Lord, I Want to See

After the adventure of going to Matsapha to find the prostitutes, I was full of passion and vision and also absolute disgust for the culture's view of women. I found out that one of the boys in my class had been to this prostitution place in Matsapha before. And that broke me even more, that the kids in my class were some of the boys paying these girls to sell their bodies. Then it made sense why most of the boys at the Enjabulweni boys' home knew Tenele. You see, a few months back, Eilidh and I had gone to Enjaluweni home to show a movie to the boys. We used my laptop and the projector for the movie, and the picture on the background of my laptop was of Tenele and I. When they saw the picture they talked to themselves in SiSwati and it was clear that they all knew her. "How do you know Tenele?" I asked. They didn't respond. But one boy replied, "Uh, just around town." But it was clear now why they all knew her, and it made the situation even more heart-breaking.

The culture's treatment of all of this was depressing. Even the girls who came with me to show me this area of prostitution laughed at the situation. No one takes it seriously, and they just laugh it off. I suppose it's one way they cope with not recognizing the grim reality of the all-too-common situation.

So, I tried to figure out how I could bring this up to my students in class. I wanted them to see how it was a problem but I also didn't want to hurt anyone in the class, because I had heard rumors that one of my girls was possibly a prostitute as well. But I couldn't figure out how to do it or what exactly I would say, so I moved on from the thought. I started preparing the lesson for the next day. I use bible passages almost every morning as a listening comprehension exercise for the kids. So, I was searching for something good when I opened to Mark. I read a story and thought, yeah, that'd be good, then another one, and thought, okay this one might be better...and then I came to the story of Blind Bartimaeus. By the time I finished reading it, I knew this is exactly what the Lord wanted me to use for the "prostiution" talk. Somehow, He took me from Blind Bartimaeus to preaching to the kids about a blinded society.

So, the next day I eagerly awaited listening comprehension. I was a bit nervous, but I prayed that the Spirit would take control and that God would prepare their hearts to receive a possibly tough message. After the listening comprehension questions, I had the students talk about a part that they thought was most powerful. And that's where I shared my own.

"There are five main lessons I see from this passage. The first one: we are all blind. Like blind Bartimaeus we are all blinded by certain things in life. There are things we don't see when it comes to God or life or sin. The second is that Jesus calls all of us. Jesus calls Bartimaeus in the story and Bartimaeus springs to his feet, throwing aside his cloak and goes to Jesus. Jesus calls each of us, so the question remains: how do we respond? And that brings us to the third lesson: throw off your cloak. We all have things in life that hold us down, sins that we hide under or feel trapped by, and we are to throw them aside and run to Jesus. The fourth is Bartimaeus' repsonse to Jesus' question, "What do you want me to do for you?" Bartimaeus repsonds, "Lord, I want to see!" The question then to us is what do we want? Do we REALLY want to see? And the last lesson is Jesus' answer to Bartimaeus' eager and honest response: "Your faith has saved you." Bartimaeus did not demonstrate any extraordinary action of proving his faith in Jesus. Simply, he called Jesus as he was, the "Son of David," the Messiah. What I find interesting is that Bartimaeus had not physically seen Jesus, but he saw more than what most people in that time period (and our time period) saw in Jesus. The Pharisees themselves and the people saw Jesus with their own eyes and witnessed his miracles, yet they refused to believe...because their hearts were blind. And that leads us back to the first lesson: that we are all blind in different ways.

As I started "preaching" about these things, I talked about the blindness in society towards prostitution. I talked about the two areas of blindness: blindness with the girls themselves and blindness of the men.

For the girls, the blindness is deep, it's a cover for the pain and shame. I talked about Bongiwe and Tenele (without actually mentioning their names of course) and how they are blinded by the lives they live and literally cannot see a way out no matter how clear it looks to me. For example, take Bongiwe's situation. Here's a young girl who has no father, her mother is sick with HIV, her older sister cannot afford to help support her or her younger brother. As a result, the two teenagers are basically left on the street to fend for themselves. The brother gets picked up from the streets and gets put into one of the five existing boys' boarding homes. Then what happens to Bongiwe? Not only does she have no father, a sick mother, no money, no school, no place to stay, no food, and NO support, now she doesn't even have her brother left. She's left on her own. What does she have left? Herself. So she sells the one thing she has left: her body.

After the night of going to Matsapha, I was talking to Bravo about the prostitution situation in Swaziland and why it's so rampid. Bravo said it's a cycle that is near impossible to get out of. "They ruin their lives as soon as they go into it [prostitution]," he explained. "These girls do not have any support, and when they sell themselves, they lose any chance of support in the future, too. I mean, who would marry a prostitute?" he continued.

Then it made sense to me why Bongiwe and Tenele decided not to take my help. I seems like only a momentary source of support while they need something concrete; they need something to absolutely depend on as their source of support because they do not believe they can have better futures once they've already chosen prostitution. They, like Bravo, also think they have already ruined themselves. So why risk chasing hope when the one sure thing they have is their bodies: their source of money and therefore their source of support.

While talking to my students about the girls being blinded from seeing a way out, from seeing that no matter how deep in they are, they are never ruined if they come to Jesus. He calls and they can be healed, but they are blinded from this. Then I talked about the men in society and how they are blind to this problem as well. I addressed the young men in my classroom and challenged them to step up. "If the men stop buying the sex, the girls won't have to sell, right? They only sell because the men buy." The girls felt empowered by this comment that I started addressing the men in the room as being the ones who can take control and fight against prostitution instead of feeding it. And some of the men were empowered as well and verbally agreed as I talked. I ended with something like, "so the question is, do you want to see?" and it was so cool to hear them answer with a yes when I had intended it only as a rhetorical question. I could tell that some of them really took the message to heart.

"Lord, we want to see."

How far would you go for Five Dollars?

How far would you go or what would you do in order to get five dollars?

I'm assuming, some of us would take silly bets or do simple silly things to earn a few bucks here or there. Take, for instance, my friend Michael who will eat any spicy/odd concoction of food for a few bucks. But everyone has a limit--what they wouldn't do for five dollars. So what would YOU do?

Well, what you are about to read is a story of what some people here do for five dollars...and (this is not just a warning) I promise you that the contents in this blog are nothing less than shocking.

So, the other night, I willingly decided to do something dangerous. (Mom, don't freak out...read Esther ;) ) And I have never looked fear in the face like that ever before. I have never been so scared in my life...and I never even stepped out of the vehicle.

After Bongiwe's disappearance and the new knowledge I received about her life as a prostitute, I decided I wanted to find her. Since coming to Swaziland this time, my focus was initially looking to build a free school; however, since I've been here my focus changed based on seeing an even greater need. Because of Tenele's situation and hundreds of girls like her, I decided I wanted to help start a girls' home. While this had been an increasingly growing desire of mine, recently, I had lost the fire and energy to help do such a thing. Maybe it was the maggots or the heat, or just general wearing down, but I lost all motivation and desire to help start a home. So, I faced a possibly dangerous situation on purpose. I wanted to see the areas of prostitution, and see if it was really something I wanted to invest more time into in the future. I knew there was a need to help the girls but I had selfishly become numb to it.

So on a Saturday night, three of my students took me the biggest area of prostitution, which is in a place outside of Manzini called Matsapha. The three girls had said that is where Bongiwe always is on weekends. I took one more volunteer Eilidh with me and a Swazi man named Bravo. Bravo works for MYC as one of the boys' house fathers and also works with the social welfare office doing "street nights" to find homeless/orphaned boys. Needless to say, Bravo was the perfect guy for a situation like this.

He readily agreed to take us and help us find Bongiwe. So, the six of us went to Matsapa Saturday night in the only vehicle that we had access to, which is the venture, a vehicle known for breaking down and not being able to actually properly lock the car. But it was the only access we had, besides taking a bakkie (which is a truck, and it clearly is not safe to take that) so we took the venture.

When we first drove through the area, it was sickening. So many drunk people were everywhere. It's a strip of about three or four "clubs" all together and people were packed inside as well as outside. Bravo parked the car a bit away from the comotion and turned to Eilidh and I and said very sternly,"it is far too dangerous, so you and Eilidh will not step foot out of this vehicle, do you understand?"

(I honestly didn't think it was THAT dangerous until the day after when I got quite a yelling at from different people about how lucky I was to be here and that I wasn't hurt, raped, or stabbed. If I would've known it was that dangerous, things might have gone a little differently. But that's the beauty of the night. Yes, those things could have happened, but they didn't! We were under the best Hand of protection.)

Anyway, so Bravo took two of the Swazi girls and went on the search for Bongiwe inside the differen clubs while Eilidh and I and the other girl, Nobuhle, were in the car waiting. After a little while, a car full of men pulled up and parked right next to us. They all got out and stood staring at us, talking amongst themselves. Nobuhle, (who told me earlier that I didn't need to be afraid because it was fine) said, "Those aren't good guys. We need to go." I was trying to be calm, though the whole time my heart was beating out of my chest. Eilidh was shaking and I just kept saying, "it's fine, it's fine. Be calm. They're not going to hurt us." Then Nobuhle said, "He has a knife! We need to go!" Luckily, I had asked Eilidh to get into the driver's seat earlier in case we needed to escape quickly. (I don't yet know how to drive stick, so we are soooo lucky Eilidh was there!)

Anyway, after a mishap of trying to get the car started, we finally got it going and took off. We parked somewhere else and then realized it was not even safe to park, so we drove up and down the road until Bravo was done. They had heard Bongiwe was there but couldn't find her. So we chilled for a bit and they went back for round two. After round two, they figured she had been there earlier but had already gone home with a guy.

By the end of the night...no bongiwe, and NO HARM done...so I wasn't too worried. But what was gained?

I gained vision--the vision and passion I had been lacking came pouring over me like a waterfall. I saw with my own eyes the life, I experienced the fear, I heard from the girls and Bravo what it was like inside. It is SICK. It breaks me. But it has given me passion and vision to help these girls. One of the girls with us said she walked into the club bathroom and saw a friend her age (15) naked having sex on the floor. They said the prostitutes usually are dancing and when they get with a guy, they ask, "Do you want this?" Then the guys says, "How much?" And the girl sells her body right there in the club or sometimes if the guy offers more, he'll take her somewhere else. But do you know the sickest part about this? Do you know HOW MUCH the standard is for girls selling their bodies? 30 emalangeni, and sometimes even 20, which is the equivalent of FOUR or FIVE DOLLARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CAN YOU IMAGINE SELLING YOUR BODY FOR FIVE DOLLARS??????????????

It's a sick and crazy twisted trap they are in. And I WILL fight to help bring freedom. No matter how many people here tell me it's pointless and a waste of time (which, trust me, there are too many voices saying this). Girls have been treated like that here for way toooo long. And it's going to change. It will change because we're going to pray for it. And I am asking your deep, committed and faithful prayers for these girls and whatever mission God has for me in helping them. The trap is thick and the blindness is repulsively destructive. But it's a battle worth fighting for.

Like my good friend Page told me in response to this, "Keep up the good fight. It matters more than your life."

Please Make Me Something

"Please, make me something."
Not just the cry of an 18 year old girl, but the cry of a multitude of young women yearning to be "something" in a society that says they're not.

It didn't long for me to hear that Bongiwe started skipping some days at school. She didn't hide the fact from me, but soon came to me explaining her situation. She said she had been living with a friend in Kakhoza and was kicked out of the house now and had nowhere to stay. Her home is in Siteki, a long way away, and she didn't have money for transport. She has no father; her mother is sick with HIV and also has a partial mental disorder. Her brother lives in one of the MYC boys homes. Her situation at home is actually accurate; I talked to her older sister who lives in Siteki (a sister who is trying to work with me to keep Bongiwe in school). But the situation she told me about in KaKhoza was not. Soon, I found out it was not just a "friend" but a boyfriend. But Bongiwe had come to me to ask if I could get a place for her to live. I said there was no way I would pay for a place for her but we could try to work something out.

In the meantime, she still did not go to school. Also, a few of my students know Bongiwe and I found out a lot more information about her...that she was also a prostitute. When I asked Bongiwe about certain things, she finally told me the truth about her boyfriend but denied prostitution. She said the problem is that her boyfriend beats her and doesn't want her to go to school; she wanted to leave him but couldn't. So, I spoke with the social welfare representative from MYC to see if we could make room for Bongiwe to stay at the McKorkindale's orphanage. THey were willing to negotiate and meet Bongiwe.

So, last week, I met Bongiwe and talked about school. My friend Michael came with because he knows Bongiwe as well and he scolded her for not going to school. We told her that the only way we would keep funding her education is if she came to live at the orphanage. We told her that it would not be easy, but that this is an opportunity to start a new life. She wouldn't be able to go out at night, there would be no more drinking, sex, etc...she said she would do it. She said she wanted to go to school and she wanted a better life. She said she would meet me the following day in town to talk about details. I told her that I wanted her to follow through and meet me the following day to tell me her answer because I wanted her to think about the choice she was about to make. She promised she would come.

She never came. And in doing so gave me her answer...

It is so sad and something I do not understand. In fact, I just saw Bongiwe yesterday (Sunday) and talked to her about this. She had written me a letter and said, "There is nothing more to elaborate but to say I am sorry." I told her that I was not paying for her school anymore. I told her that other girls would kill to have an opportunity like the one I gave her, but she threw it away. "Sorry, Mary-Kate," she said.
"I am sorry for you, Bongiwe. This is YOUR life."

Bongiwe chose a life of drunkenness, sex, and abuse over education, freedom, and a new start. WHY? Though I cannot imagine a good answer to this question, something happened last weekend (the story in the next blog) that made me understand this situation a lot more
And it rests in Bongiwe's comment in the letter she wrote me that said,

"Mary-Kate, please make me something."

Is 50% an F?

"God does not ask us to be successful, he only asks us to be faithful." -Mother Teresa

This was one of my favorite Mother Teresa quotes. But I didn't really experience it's meaning until now. And it's still hard for me to actually believe. I feel like a failure. I am a teacher, and I am used to grading papers/tests/etc. that are 50% or below and well deserving of an F, but when it comes to me, my pride cannot handle receiving an F. I guess that's why this quote has been on my mind like a magnet lately. God is not demanding that I am successful, though my flesh wants to be; he just asks that I remain faithful to him and his call.

We started out with getting six kids in school. Tenele was the first to drop, and you got that story the last blog. Shortly after her, Bongiwe follwed...(her story is in the next blog.)

Then the most recent and most frustrating and depressing is Khanyisile. Khanyisile came to my house several times a week after school to show me her work and to get my help. Khanyisile had been out of school for a handful of years, and was placed in grade four. She is very smart and can speak and understand English very well; in fact, she understood it so well that when we read books together, she knew how to make is seem like she could read. It wasn't until a couple days into doing some one on one tutoring that I realized Khanyisile could not read.

I was reading a Dr. Seuss book and Khanyi was reading along with me until she got on e of the words wrong. I pointed to the word again and asked her to repeat it. She said a completely different word, but one that was still on the page. "No, this one," I pointed to it again. And she said a different word. "Okay, what sound does this letter make?" I tried breaking the word apart. She had no idea. "Okay, what letter is this?" I pointed to a B. She didn't say a word.

Khanyi could not read. She did not even know the alphabet! And I had no idea until now. So the next few sessions we hammered out the first three letters, A, B, C. I taught her to sing the alphabet song. She drew the letters herself, we made flashcards, I had her create the shapes of the letters with pencils...I was working eagerly to get her to learn the alphabet, but I had no idea it would be that difficult!

Still, when she succeeded recognizing a letter, we celebrated together. I gave her my favorite book, "Chicka Chicka Boom Boom," to help with the alphabet. I was actually really looking forward to taking on the challenge with her. But last week Khanyi didn't show up...all week. And if you read the previous blog, you know that I went to Mangwaneni to try to find her and see why she wasn't going to school.

At Mangwaneni I found out she was living with a boyfriend. I actually met the man that day, he was upper 20s and though he was very kind to me, I still couldn't help but be disgusted. Nomphilo then told me that Khanyi had been kicked out of school becuase a mother from Mangwaneni had called in to the head master and told them that Khanyi smokes and shouldn't be allowed in school. So they kicked her out. Khanyi went to Ayanda's mother, who works at the school, and asked if she could negotiate with the head master and get her back into school, but I guess she was refused. Still, through all of this, Khanyi never came to me to talk about it and she still hasn't come to me since. I asked Johannes to encourage her to still come to see me and we could still work on the alphabet even if she was not in school, but so far...no such luck.

It's just so sad and heartbreaking. I tried getting 6 kids in school and now only 3 remain. I am sure the last three will stay throughout the year, but it's still hard to admit that I failed. AT least that's what it feels like. I pulled the money from Bongiwe's deposit and used it to finish Johannes and Ayanda's deposits, which is lucky that they all were enrolled at the same school, or I would have lost that money without getting it returned.

(For those of you who are supporting one of them or still thinking about it, the money I was going to raise for Bongiwe is now being raised for Mbali--Mbali was one of my students last year who was raped and became pregnant. Because she was pregnant (though not her fault!!!!) she was kicked out of the free school I teach at. Because her parents obviously cannot afford to pay for school, she was really depressed and talked about killing herself. I have been helping her along the way and her father and I met to talk about getting her into school. She is now enrolled at a private school in grade 7. I paid her deposit but her yearly costs still remain at $350. So if you have donated to Bongiwe, know that your money is being used now for Mbali. And if you still want to support Mbali, know that it is needed.)

Also, if you could support these young adults by praying for them by name, that would be greatly appreciated. Pray for Johannes, Ayanda, Nomphilo, and Mbali's successes in school, and please pray earnestly for the lives of Khanyisile, Bongiwe, and Tenele--that they can chose to leave their lives of sin, sex, and drunkenness, and pursue a life of freedom.

The Coaster Continues

While Tenele had dropped out of school and didn't even come to tell me, she did send me a letter. My spirit was partly renewed by receiving her letter, but also still crushed because it almost seemed like she was saying goodbye, or giving up.


To translate a little here..."make wami" means "my mother."



On the other side, Tenele wrote about her step-sister Winile who had also dropped out of school after Tenele left. Again, to translate what she said...Tenele's step-mom tried to force Winile to sleep with men like she did to Tenele, so Winile also ran away. Unfortunately, I haven't seen Winile (or Tenele) since.



The first line of Tenele's letter says, "Sorry for that my friend. I have a problem to my mind." I was encouraged that she appologized, and moved that she understand that she has a problem in her mind. But what she doesn't know is that the problem is actually a spiritual blindness, but we will get to that later. I was just glad that she acknowledges that she wants to go to school but for some reason won't let herself commit.

But during the rest of the letter, I couldn't help but feel sad because she wrote as if she were saying goodbye(without acutally saying it). She kept saying "make wami, shem" which means "my mother," and shem is a word they use all the time to show emotion. She asked for me to print off some pictures of us and a few pictures of me that she liked and wanted to keep. She asked me to give them to Khanyisile as if I were not going to see Tenele again. Also, she wrote that she had left Mangwaneni and was living in Ngwane Park. I found out a few days later that she had lied and actually was still at Mangwaneni but didn't want me to come looking for her there. :(

By this point, I had already decided I wasn't going to chase her anymore. I had done all I could possibly think for that girl. I was crushed and slightly angry at the whole situation. I wanted to find her and talk to her, but I knew the chasing was over. She clearly didn't want to be found. So, I sent a letter back to her through Khanyisile that told her how much I still loved her and that I will stop chasing her but will always be here whenever she decides to come. I told her that I realized she wasn't ready for my help, but when she is, I am always offering it.

Then, last Sunday, I went to Mangwaneni with Johannes and Pununu. I went to find Khanyisile because I had heard that she wasn't at school for the past few days. (More on her in the next blog.) When I went through Mangwaneni, people immediatly asked, "Are you looking for Tenele?"
"No," I politely responded. And they were taken off guard when I told them it was Khanyi I was looking for. We ran into Ayanda on the way through the squatter camp and she rushed off to change out of her dazzling white Sunday gear to come hang out with us. On the way, she ran into Tenele and told her I was here. Tenele told Ayanda to lie about where her and Khanyisile were so I wouldn't see them.

And lie to me Ayanda did. I was quite upset later when I found out Ayanda lied but she told me that they said they would beat her if she told me the truth. I was so disheartened. Not only because of Tenele and the lies, but because of Khanyisile. Angry and sick of them "playing games," I returned home in a huff of emotion and frustration. I was fed up. "I'm done," I said to myself and my housemats. "I'm done trying. It's not a game. And I'm sick of it." I had been so worn out lately and I was at the end of my rope. Until...

I got a lovely card in the mail from my friend Hannah. While she wrote wonderful things inside there were two simple words she said that changed my heart. She had encouraged me to continue to pursue Tenele without even knowing all of this that has been going on. And she simply said, "LOVE WINS."

She is so right. Love wins. Christ is the victor. It's my job to keep reinforcing this truth, no matter how long or how many times it takes to stop the rollercoaster ride.

The Rollercoaster Called "Tenele-Bell"

So Tenele never showed up Friday, right? Well, I got a letter later that day from Ayanda. Tenele had written me a letter and asked Ayanda to deliver it to me. She said that she still wanted to go to school but that her boyfriend, Cedric, wouldn't let her go.

Ayanda proceeded to tell me more about this Cedric fellow. Apparently, he had met Tenele from the bar that she "worked" at. Tenele is VERY well known around Manzini, which is a sickening thought, so many guys would still come looking for her even after she stopped selling her body. So on the one hand, it seemed like Cedric was protecting her from some of these other men, because all she had to do was mention his name and the other men would leave her alone. While Tenele is well-known, Cedric is well-feared. But of course he still does Tenele harm, and one of the things was trying to prevent her from school. He tries to control her, and Ayanda informed me that Tenele would "need permission" from him to come see me. Fortunately, he "lets" her come see me but would tell her how long she gets to spend with me. When Ayanda told me that it all made sense why Tenele would always count the hours she spent with me for a day and leave at random times, saying she needed to go home.

But Tenele was so crushed when she couldn't go to school so she told Ayanda that she didn't care what Cedric said...she was coming to see me the following day so I could get her in school. So when Saturday came around, I was overly thrilled when Tenele showed up. We spent all day Saturday getting all the other kids who I had registered their school uniforms. We had a Land Cruiser packed with kids: Johannes, Pununu, Ayanda, Tenele, Nomphilo, Khanyisile, and Bongiwe. Tenele and Nomphilo had mended things over and it looked like they were all getting along very well (except for Bongiwe and Tenele in the beginning who had a long and drawn out almost yelling argument in SiSwati, which I had NO idea what they were talking about. I found out later Bongiwe didn't like Tenele because Tenele had at one point dated her brother and Tenele didn't like Bongiwe and they called each other prostitutes and both denied being one. [That info was all thanks to Ayanda who is such a doll and answers my questions even though she hates me asking.])

So, it ended up being a fabulous day! We took a picture together with their new uniforms!


Then Tuesday was the first day of school. I cannot tell you how AMAZING it was to see Tenele and all the kids in their uniforms. They looked so beautiful. It was one of the proudest moments of being here. Tenele would run up to me during school and I made sure to give her plenty attention to ease her way back into school. She came the next day and the next day! I was so excited. On day three she excitedly pulled me aside at school and said, "Mary-Kate! I promise I will stay in school...all the way to form five!" And looking at the raw joy of commitment, I believed her.


But day four came, the day after her promise...and she didn't come. One of her classmates and close friend (actually her step-sister) told me that she wasn't coming anymore. "What?!" I was baffled. It was so out of the blue. "She has a problem," Winile told me. Apparently something had happened yesterday afternoon in her class and she and her group got yelled at by the teacher. They had gotten kicked out of class for the remainder of the day for not following directions and Tenele thought she was kicked out of school.

A few hours later, Tenele buzzed me. I called her and she was crying really hard on the other end. I thought something horrible had happened. "Are you okay, Tenele?" I asked in earnest. "No," she managed to say. And I couldn't make out the rest of what she said because she was crying. All I heard was something a teacher and school. "Okay, are you at Mangwaneni?" I asked. "Yes," she responded. "Okay, I'm coming for you sweetheart, hang tight." I was sure something else had happened to her. I couldn't believe she was actually crying that hard, she didn't even let me see her cry like that when she was stabbed. When I got there, she of course pretended nothing was wrong, but explained the whole situation at school and how she thought she had been kicked out. I explained to her that she wasn't kicked out and that she could come to school early Monday and I would meet her in the morning to talk with her and the teacher. She eagerly agreed and said she'd be there on Monday.

Monday came...no Tenele. Tuesday came...no Tenele. Wednesday came...no Tenele. Nomphilo told me that Tenele was not coming anymore. I was crushed. I was confused. What had happened over the weekend that had changed Tenele's mind?
But I still had hope she would come back, if only I could talk to her. And then Bongiwe told me that Tenele had sold her school uniform that I bought her. I was heart-broken. I was angered. I was fuming. I was disheartened. I was literally breaking inside. And the whole week showed it. There were so many emotions going through me, and there still are now. I haven't seen my child since I left her that Thursday when she called me in tears. I haven't seen her in three and a half weeks. It's killing me.

She is such a rollercoaster. She is so up and down. Though I haven't seen her, she did write me one more letter and gave it to Khanyisle to give to me. I will post it in the next blog so you can read it. But basically, it seemed like she was saying goodbye. At this point, I knew that there was nothing more I could do for her. I had offered everything, more than I had ever thought. I tried so hard. I spent so much time and love and energy chasing her...I gave her food, clothes, school, love...it is the most painful thing to know she threw it away. When I heard she had sold the uniform, it felt like a slap in the face. But I know it won't end there...I know there will be a rainbow at the end of the storm.

Jehovah-Jireh: The Lord Provides

Immediately after getting the kids registered at schools, I sent a message out to friends and family back home via facebook about the children's lives and if anyone is interested in supporting them. I was thrilled by the feedback from certain individuals who are now eagerly supporting the children.

I told the kids they are being supported by people back home and they were humbled. Johannes just asked me the other day, "Mama, (that's what he calls me now...partly in jest, but partly with meaning), should I send a thank you home on your video?" He is such a thoughtful young man and wants to make sure people from home know the importance and impact that education has here.

So, thank you specifically to Ryan Marchese, Hannah and Jamie Farish-Williford, Mom and Dad, Katie Josephson, Jen Nehls, Staci Hitch, Angie Gerlach, and Justin Martin. The children's fees will be almost completely covered. I will give people updates on how much is left to cover for each, but I just wanted to send a thank you upfront.

It is amazing to have this support from home. Actually, one thing I have learned about being here, is that I don't necessarily need to create a whole new school to help children's education here...but what they desperately need is some sort of scholarship progam. So, what I want to do is set up a group and scholarship program back home that people can support individual students through school. But lots more details on that later...