Praying for a Reason to Stay

"Lord, I don't need anymore reasons to go; I am completely ready.  Just say the word, and I'll move to Swazi.  But if you want me here, I need you to give me a reason to stay."

Although I'd like to think that I was ready to live in Swazi at any moment the last two years, I most definitely was not.  I was not ready to cut the ties and the roots here in the States to move freely to Swaziland.  My heart was not steady, my mind too inconsistent.  What about now?  Now I'm ready.  For reasons I cannot completely explain, for the first time since I moved back to the States in 2011, I am finally ready to go.  The pros and cons list is not needed; the reasons to go far outweigh the reasons to stay.  While there are numerous reasons why I'm still here, the main one is that I felt the Lord calling me to the American youth and teaching has been the most incredible platform for which I can fulfill this mission.  But this year, that platform has taken a different shape.

I have offered ministry opportunity after opportunity to pour into certain youth; I have rearranged weekends, made in-depth plans for Bible studies, discipleships, youth groups, etc.  I have made it very clear to a great number of youth that I am here and waiting, just waiting to pour out my knowledge and love and inspiration to them.  I've been praying for opportunities.  But no one has taken them.  No one.  Pained by the apathy and inconsistency of the youth, I feel as if I'm coming up dry.  I think back to Fr. James' sermon he gave a year ago, that has stuck with me ever since: "Are your nets coming up empty?"  He preached about the story of Jesus calling Peter to put his nets back into the water after coming back empty-handed from a long full day of fishing.  Fr. James' question, "Are your nets coming up empty?" has not left my heart ever since because indeed my nets have been empty.  Fr. James continued to preach about all the opportunities we have and that many things seem to be "good things," but sometimes they simply are not fulfilling and the Lord has a better ministry planned.  "Maybe you need to move your boat," Fr. James continued.  "Maybe you need to find where Jesus is calling you, so he can tell you to put your nets back in and fill you up."

My nets are empty.  It's only October, and I'm already wondering how I can make it through the school year.  The strange thing is I adore my kids; this is probably the best group of students I've had so far; yet, something is missing.  With no avenue to pour out my heart and who I truly am as a servant of Christ, I feel as if I am just going through the motions.

All of that being said, I'm still not clear whether this is God's way of helping me cut ties and making my transition easier (as I have specifically prayed for) or if it's satan's way of interfering with a mission that maybe is not yet complete.  All I know is that my nets are empty and I can't function like this much longer.

So, Lord, as I've prayed before:  "If you want me here, please give me a reason to stay.  If not, here I am, Lord; send me."

  

Abnormal

I found out my life wasn't normal...

When I realized that not every family has a sock basket, filled with all the unmatched socks from the laundry.  And that not every mother pays her children one cent for every pair of socks that they match.  And that not every child thinks that's a brilliant way to make money.

Not every family sits down together for dinner every night, and then proceeds to go around the table taking turns sharing "one good thing about your day," as instructed by Mom.

Not every family gathers at the end of the hall for prayer every night.

Not every family gets together with their extended family "just because" we want to spend more time together.

Not every family breaks out in a stomp routine at a random moment that echoes throughout the house.

Not every family makes up a their own band, makes homemade videos, and organizes dance routines.

Not every family loves one another and spends time together, not because they have to but because they want to.

Not every family chooses to stay together.

Not every family supports the one that dreams to be overseas and dares live an abnormal life.

Not every family lives for the Lord like mine does.
That's why I'm not normal to the eyes of the world.
But to my family, I'm just me. A girl with dream to live an abnormal life.

When I'm Not Enough

"Forgetting what the word has told me

Father of love, you can have me."

-Sidewalk Prophets

I was so excited for college—for a new start, new friends, and new experiences; but let's be real, the height of my excitement revolved around moving from a pool of high school boys to an ocean of new men.  My childhood dream of finding “the one” in high school was shattered when I went boyfriendless all of high school.  The worst part was when my three best friends were all dating “serious” boyfriends at the time...and still I had no one.  After graduating from small town Marshall, I was eager for a fresh chapter at UW-L, where I knew I was going to find my future husband.  After all, there was no way I'd go through college single the way I had gone through high school.  But, of course, that’s exactly what happened; when I walked across the graduation stage, I didn't have a ring on my finger or anything even close.  It seemed that history was going to repeat itself as I left college boyfriendless and my college besties departed in the arms of their men.

One wedding after the next after the next after the next.  Soon, my best friends were consumed with their new lives as married women, and the couple close friends that were still single found men of their own to settle in with.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I adore my friends’ relationships... But, it gets hard.  I wonder when or if I will have that life.  I wonder why it hasn't happened for me yet.  One by one, it's like all the dominoes have fallen down around me, but somehow I’m left standing, the last domino crashing just shy of feet.  Great.  Again.  Alone again. 

But when I take a closer look, it’s not that I’m alone…it’s just that I’m still standing.  Is standing all that bad in a sit-down world?  The world tells me I am not enough.  The world tells me I'm worthless without him by my side.  The world tells me that to be desired I have to flaunt my body, dress the part, shake my booty, numb my heart.  The world tells me I need to be more--skinnier, prettier, sexier, prouder; but it tells me to be less--less clothing, less values, less morals, less faith.  The world tells me I need a man, but it tells me I don't need God.   The world tells me many things and sometimes it gets hard to drown out the lies.

My singleness could be attributed to many things, but ultimately it’s in the hands of the Lord. As much as I fight with him about it and lose confidence in my worth, appearance, character, I know deep down that it’s for a reason.  Too many people want to be a part of the dominoes when it’s not their time.  I want to be a part of the dominoes, but it's not my time.  I have set you apart, He says.  I have built you to stand, He commands.  This is not for your tears but for my glory, He smiles.     

So even though the world tells me that I am not enough, which might be true, I know that He is enough.  God, El Shaddai (the All-Sufficient One), is enough for me.  And even though I complain and hurt because all I want is a man to love who is captivated by my heart, I realize God has blessed me in accountable ways because I have remained single.  I realize I would never be the woman I am had God let a man hinder my growth.  I would never be living my dream had God not set me apart for his heart in Swaziland.  When I get lonely, I tell God it's not fair, but He tells me, Sweetheart, you don't understand, I'm doing this for you.  This is for you.  

Though my deep desire may be for my husband, for a man godly man to cherish my "children" as I do, I will never compromise my devotion to the One who is enough.  The world will never be enough, a husband will never be enough, I will never be enough.  But I rest in the arms of the One who is.

Though I may feel like the last one standing, I know I'm not really alone.  Though sometimes I want to give in to what the world tells me and give up on waiting, I have to fight for purity, for values, for faith.  So, rather than yearning constantly for something that I don't have, I need to stay focused on what I do have: a whole heart--unattached, unbroken, unjaded by relationships--so that I can give my whole heart, not just pieces, to my mission, to those who need it.  He has given me a dream, a mission, a vision.  And if I'm ever tempted to compromise my mission for the temporary treasures of the world, I remember the good words of Fr. Joe: "Mary-Kate,  you will never have to take your eyes off the mission for your man."

So, "forgetting what the world has told me,
Father of Love,
you can have me."

For, when I'm not enough, You Are.  

When Dreams Come True

The dream.

It began in an attic room that I shared with my roommate, Kim.  With every picture of an orphan and video of missions trips, my heart caved.  With every internet search for my own mission trip, my fingers trembled.  When I first read the word, "Swaziland," I laughed out loud.  Is that for real? I thought.  But the joke was on me, because this funny little word became my funny little home. 

The dream.

It grew in my heart in 2008 when I went on my first missions trip with a team of 21--seventeen incredible women and four inspiring men who have made me who I am.  That summer was when I first met the smiley, front-tooth missing, twelve year old who changed my life forever.  Tenele-Belle, my child.   

The dream.

It became my heart in 2009 when I went back for my Tenele-Belle, and found out she was in the streets at thirteen years old as a prostitute. She had run away from the hellish life she lived as her step-mother had been selling her to man after man for money. 

The dream.

It broke my heart in 2010-2011 when I spent the year chasing after a girl who kept on running.  The dream died several times, as I felt exhausted, unsuccessful, and most of all...alone.

The dream.

It gripped me during my transition back to the States.  It was painful because it was unfulfilled, but I couldn't shake it.  I couldn't ignore it.  I couldn't quit.  You didn't let me. 

The dream.

It grew wings in when an old friend from high school, Chris, began the process of helping me start the non-profit, Hosea's Heart.  After that it gained great momentum as people surrounded the dream and the cause with their own hearts, ensuring I never was alone.

The dream.

It soared the summer of 2012 when Hosea's Heart took its first mission trip over to Swaziland.  Christina Hostetter remained for the year as a long term volunteer to build the dream and build the home.

The dream.

It became life the summer of 2013. Hosea's Heart's second mission trip consisted of a team of eleven that lived daily alongside the girls in Hope for Life home.  Although the team left, Sandy remains for the next year as the rock in the home. 

The dream.

Is no longer a dream...it is reality.  It has transformed into five beautiful Swazi girls, who embody the essence of what it means to have Hope for Life.   

I praise the Lord who gave me the dream and made it come true!

Moments Like That

Because there's no way I can simply summarize all that happened the last two weeks in Swazi, here are the snippets of when...

God is Present in Moments like That

*In the midst of a country that I love with a mission that I am called to, I was reminded by a high school girl from an AIM mission trip team that "teachers have an incredible platform."  She reminded me of why I'm not currently living in Swazi--that there is also a mission I am needed to fulfill at home in the sheltered world of my high schoolers that also need to be freed from their chains.

*When I got home one day after ministry, Tenele ran to greet me and pulled me into her room to tell me she had to show me something... then out popped Eilidh, who had come to visit Swazi for two weeks! (For those of you who don't know, she's my Scottish bestie, the one who removed all my "skin maggots" when I lived here, the one who started the dream for the home with me, my encourager, my other half on the other half)

*Our last bible study as a team, we read the story of Jesus washing his disciples' feet.  Then we washed the feet of all the girls and Gogo as well.  The look on Gogo's face as we offered to wash her feet was the pure and holy joy of a girl lost in the beauty of a field of flowers!  Ayanda ended the evening with preaching of her own.

*On the last night that our team was in Swazi, we built a fire and roasted marshmallows, which the girls at first thought was crazy...After all, why would you put sweets in a fire and ruin them?! But after they tasted the warm melty mushy goodness, they couldn't stop eating them! We finished the night singing acapella songs as the flames died down.

*Musa took Sandy and I to cross the border to renew our visitor visa but the border control guy was in a bad mood and threatened to "lock us out."  Luckily Musa was with us and all was well.  We proceeded to watch a cow transaction (a man has to pay cows to the family of his soon-to-be bride) out in the African bush at sunset. Incredible.  Then watched night fall and the Milky Way light up the sky like never before!

*Sandy's wisdom is beyond words, as is her listening ear. She processed through a lot with me, even got me to cry...in a good way.

*Dressing up the girls in robes (which was a Packer quilt of course...can't get much more royal than that!) and crowns as we acted out the story of Esther!

*When I convinced Tenele to call Garret by his nickname, Harry.  Then hearing all the other girls start calling him that, too!

*Reading to Sindi and Sebe before bedtime and Sindi snuggling up in my lap.

*Nonhlanhla coming to kiss me goodnight.

*Tenele and I crying together as we talked about my upcoming departure.

*Watching helplessly as a warthog (Pumba!) mauled our bags of bread during a picnic at Mlilwane... then Tenele, being the fearless one she is, standing up as she is holding her breastfeeding baby in one hand, picking up a giant rock with the other and chucking it at the warthog, nailing it directly on the nose, and saving our meat and cookies!

*Watching the garden grow...more importantly, watching the girls grow the garden!  And one evening at sunset sitting in the garden with Lucia as Tenele and Nonhlanhla read their new SiSwati bibles together.

*With one night left before my own departure, I decided to soak my dirty, soiled feet in the same green wash bucket that we washed the girls' feet.  When Sindi entered the room and saw my feet, she immediately got down on her hands and knees and eagerly and tenderly washed my feet.  What a gem!

*Tenele telling me almost every day that I'm beautiful.

*Playing peek-a-boo with Lucia, and hearing Lucia recite my name for the first time!

*Looking at Tenele and seeing Jesus in her face, in her smile, in her words, in her eyes, in her heart.

*Tenele telling me that she's helping Nonhlanhla and that she told her, "Even though you don't have parents, Nonhlanhla, you have the Father in heaven."

*Marcia seeing the home for the first time and reminding me how blessed I am to see the fruit of my labor. Then speaking a simple yet profound phrase that has finally defined what I have been trying to define all along --who we are as a non-profit: "Like Ezra and Hezekiah, you have rebuilt the ruins."  Both literally (physically rebuilding the house structure) and figuratively (rebuilding hope and restoration in the girls themselves) we, as Hosea's Heart rebuild the ruins.

Yes, God is present in moments like that. 

Called to Chase

We all need pick-me-ups every now and then.  One of the greatest encouragements I received this trip was a short yet powerful message from Rachael:

I was hungry, 

                you fed me.

I was naked, 

                you clothed me.

I was homeless, 

                you housed me.

I was running, 

               you chased me.

Week of Highlights

A review of the previous week...

Sunday highlights: Kayla brought some frisbees, so Sebe and Sindi joined our team in a game of frisbee football up and down the dirtroad... It was a lot of fun, but we had to call it a tie because it was getting dark.

That night, I spent time with Tenele. I am writing a book about Swazi adventures, and she's at the center of the story, obviously, so she's been reading through that and we've been talking about it.  She's now very open when I ask questions about her past. When you look at her, you'd never imagine the life/hell she's been through. Even I forget sometimes. Even I like to think it's just a story, it's in the past, it's something she won't have to deal with again.  But it's not just words on a paper, it's the torn pieces of her heart and soul that are still on the mend. As she answered some questions about her past and Cedric, at one point, she started crying. Tears streamed down her face and she put her head on my shoulder.  I forget that she is still in dire need of healing.

Monday:
-Teaching Tenele English and Math and entertaining Lucia at the same time. It was so precious!  I gave her a journal to write it.  Her assignment was to write an entry tonight and she eagerly completed her writing assignments.  She uses it to process through the day.
-We went to Hope House and prayed over Bosisiswe, a woman with a stroke who spoke no English. I could really feel the Holy Spirit moving and then we sang with a group of 4 Swazis that were so joyful.  They sang and danced filled us with joy.
-Finally got to spend some time with sweet Jojo
-Monday's bible study with the girls was about Jesus and the Samaritan woman at the well. We talked about how the woman left her water jar at the well to go share the news about Jesus with others.  We made our own makeshift well and had the girls leave their worries, sin, etc. at the well.  Then we challenged them to share the good news like the woman did. Tenele chose to tell her friend Tiny (Tiny is the girl who brought me to find Tenele two years ago).

Tuesday:
-I was sick and had to stay home. Chris, Kayla, and Rachael took Tenele to find Tiny in squatter camp and share the story of the Samaritan woman with her. Though I wasn't there to experience it, it was beautiful to see Tenele beaming about her time with Tiny and sharing the hope. She said that Tiny recognized that Tenele really did change her life and felt empowered that maybe she really could change her own, too.

Wednesday: Lauren, Laura, Andy and I went to Mangwaneni to get some girls. We found Khanyi on the way in!  Khanyi is a girl who was also a prostitute with Tenele and one I tried to put back into school without realizing she couldn't even identify the alphabet.  We also met Sandile's sisters and heard about Nonsikelolo's blind eye... This poor, incredible young woman was going to an evening prayer service and was walking in the dark to get there.  A man jumped her and asked for her money.  When she told the man she didn't have any money, he choked her and then slashed her eye with a knife.  We prayed over her, but her joy and confidence in the Lord was astounding.  Now that is unshakable faith.
Later that night, the electricity went out and we turned it into an awesome time of worship! Ayanda gave her own sermon about love during our bible study (it was an assignment from her religion class) and she did...wow...just wow.  The electricity finally came on as we ended our jam session to the song "Yes, Lord."

Thursday: We all went to the hope house, and EVERY time you go to the Hope House, you can feel the Spirit moving in incredible ways.  As Chris prayed over Bosisiwe, chills came over my body like a wave of the Spirit came down in that room.  It was a feeling I'll  never forget.
I call my brother, Garret, "Harry" as  his nickname and Tenele has caught on and LOVES calling throughout the house, "Harry! Harry!"  And just the other day, Lucia said it, too!

Friday: A bit of a rough day...I had a terrible headache and just felt heavy...like I've had bricks in my head all day... :/  We had our second meeting with MYC about our partnership with running the home and drafting a MOU.

Saturday: We went to Mlilwane Game Park to swim, have a picnic lunch, (where Lauren and the others fed wild impalas), and we also went to Ezulweni market...where I bought an AWESOME djembe drum!

Sunday: We hung out with some other Americans!  We met a high school AIM team that has also been here this summer.  They had us over for a lasagna dinner and fellowship.  We were able to really lift them up and pray for them.  It was mutually encouraging as several of the high school girls told me how important teachers are.  They encouraged me in staying in that mission field by saying that's where the battle is for the younger generations and that teachers have an incredible platform for impact.

Much to Celebrate

Simple celebrations

We added some structure to the routine in the house for the girls so that Mondays and Wednesdays are bible study days, Tuesdays/Thursdays are skill building days, and Fridays are activity days.  The purpose of these activities are to create better unity and community among the girls themselves along with Titi and Gogo, the house sister/mother.  It has been extremely successful so far and is something to celebrate!  As a large group of volunteers, we have split into two smaller groups to create more intimacy during the lessons.  Our group started the first Bible study by tying in the song, “Open the Eyes of my Heart, Lord,” which is a song they know and love singing.  We decided to read the story of Blind Bartimaeus and how Jesus asked him plainly, “What do you want me to do for you?”  And he responded, “Master, I want to see.”  The use of the word Lord, translated Master is significant as it shows his humble and already faithful relationship with Jesus.  We had great discussions, thanks to the translations from Titi, during the lesson and the girls really started to understand the words of the song “Open the eyes of my heart.”  In fact, the following Sunday as I sat next to Tenele at church, I heard her pray that the Lord would continue to “open the eyes” of her “heart and mind.” (more on that Sunday service later...)
 

On Tuesday and Thursday we continued teaching the girls how to make small hand purses, using the materials and skill building my mom left behind for us all.  The girls take so much pride in their work, even Gogo!  They adore the products and one girl in particular, Nonhlanhla, has made bracelet after bracelet after bracelet, and she beams with the spirit of joy and hope.  You can't look at her without smiling, and it's incredible to have the opportunity to live alongside of girls like her, who have a depressing past but don't let that affect their joy in the present.  

Friday was Ayanda’s birthday, so we had the men on our team build us a braai stand and make a fire so we could cook.  Titi seasoned and flavored the meat and Garret, Andy, and Kayla all helped cook it, and the girls engulfed it.  In fact, they liked it so much that they started singing about the meat and how much they like eating meat!  Now that's something I don't encounter back in the States. After our yummy dinner, we had a dance party, of course!  We all took turns dancing, and when it came to Chris' turn, he busted out some hip robot moves and wowed the crowd.  Ayanda's mouth dropped as her eyes popped and she gasped, "Wow! I wish to do like that!"  After dancing we wound down with nothing other than the movie Pitch Perfect!  Ayanda whispered, "This was the best birthday ever!"

As we wrapped up the weekend, we all went to Living Waters Church, the church that Ayanda always attended with Christina.  The service was "Kids Church" so they had all the children leading the prayers, worship, and even the preaching!  I was full of awe watching them because this is a culture that puts children last, especially young girls, so the girls really were inspired by hearing a girl a little older than them up in the front preaching.  At the end of the service, the pastor started praying and Tenele whispered her own prayers outloud.  As she prayed, I thought, "Oh, it'd be so nice to know what she's actually praying."  A few seconds later she started praying in English!  It was incredible listening to her ask the Lord to open her eyes and fill her heart.  She thanked God for changing her life, she asked God to bless me, bless my mother and my family, and then asked God to help change the lives of her friends as well. Tears of joy started streaming down my already smiling cheeks.  

On this trip so far, there has been so much to celebrate.  I got to celebrate Ayanda's birthday with her and get to celebrate Tenele's new birth of hope, faith, and love. We get to celebrate the opening of Hope for Life home and get to celebrate what it means to live as a body of Christ with my teammates.  I get to celebrate all the answered prayers from years before.  Join me in praising God for all the reasons He gives us to celebrate life and celebrate hope!

"The joy of the Lord is my strength." -Nehemiah 8:10

Miracles in the Making

Because I have been busily occupied with our incredible team, I haven't had much time to dig into the relationships with my girls. My teammates, being as supportive and empowering as they are, encouraged me to get some time alone with them, so I took full advantage.  For a morning I took Tenele and Ayanda with me into town and we got a few things they needed and enjoyed one another's company.  There was nothing profound that happened, but the sharing a simple daily activity was everything I needed.  It was wonderful to pour into them, encourage them, and challenge them.  I told them they need to be role models in the house because the younger girls need to know how to behave in certain situations.  Tenele is such a hard-worker.  Our whole team has been in awe of her servanthood.  Halfway through the week Tenele took my clothes while we were out and washed them.  Then, each day this week, she has asked another teammate for their dirty clothes, and she gets up early and washes them for us.  So, in addition to taking care of two kids, a six week old baby who was very sick (but now is MUCH better), she cleans the house, does laundry, and today she was even washing the van.

She is a living, breathing miracle.  Every time I look at her, I can hardly imagine she is the same girl a year and a half ago.  Her strength, and her newfound faith, humbles me.  She has changed my life in so many ways, and I told her today that I can't wait for her to one day be the house mother of Hope for Life home; when I told her that, her face lit up and she smiled from ear to ear, "Yes, yes!" While so many people have said no to her and turned her away and thrown her out again and again, she still says yes; her yes is precious to the Lord.

After talking with the girls about being role models, I shared my own thoughts, struggles, and triumphs with the girls.  We talked about a particular male friend of mine, whom they adore and asked if he was going to be their "daddy."  I laughed and explained that you can't have a good relationship with someone if there isn't any trust, and they agreed.  But then I said, "One day the Lord will give me my husband, your father.  One day.  But until then, 'my Maker is my Husband, the Lord Almighty is his name, the holy one of Israel is my redeemer, my very great reward,' (Isaiah)."

They both smiled.  Ayanda grew quiet and then said to me, "I wish to worship God as you do."
I was shocked.  I have never met anyone more full of the Holy Spirit than Ayanda.
"Oh, you do, Ayanda, you already do!"

My girls are my blessing.  I praise God for using them to lift my heavy heart.  I praise God for allowing me to see and be with his miracles in the making. What an encouragement for us all; that nothing is impossible for God, that we are all called to be his miracles--examples of his Lordship over our lives.

[I am in the process of writing a book about Tenele and all my Swazi adventures, called Every Day a Miracle.  I brought copies with me to edit/revise and I showed them to Tenele.  She ate it up!  She's been reading and reading and realizing that I know more than she thought I knew.  Titi, also read every page of parts i and ii and asked for the rest of the book when I'm finished. It was so neat to see Tenele reading a story about her and to be reminded and encouraged of her redemption in Christ.  That she indeed can believe she's a miracle.]

True Beauty

After a plane ride from Chicago to Amsterdam, Amsterdam to Paris (a full day layover which included a picnic and nap at the base of the Eiffel Tower!), and Paris to Johannesburg, we packed the shuttle bus with all eleven of us and embarked on a five hour bus ride home to Swaziland.  We arrived Friday night to the girls waiting on the dirt hill right outside the girls home.  It was a precious reunion as I embraced dear Ayanda and finally got to meet the other girls in the home: Nomhlanhla, Sindi, and Sebenele.  Titi greeted us and Gogo had already prepared an incredible Swazi meal for us.

It took awhile to get adjusted and caught back up on sleep (truth be told, I'm still exhausted) but by Sunday most of the team was good to go.  We went to church in Timbutini on Sunday and Musa invited our team in front of the church and asked me to introduce them.  We didn't have anything prepared but it was beautiful!  I took that opportunity to explain Hosea's Heart and the prophet Hosea and God's heart behind our organization and what we are doing in Swaziland.  Later, Musa told me that when I stared talking about the prophet Hosea and the pursuing love of Christ, he knew that's exactly what they all needed to hear and was so uplifted by our group. "Out of all the groups that come and go here, MK, I can tell this one is special."  It was neat to hear Musa already encouraged by our group though he hardly had time to really meet us.

The timing of our return could not be more perfect as there is lots and lots of work to do.  There are four girls in the home right now because two had been kicked out previously to our arrival here.  Since then, I have met with both girls who have been kicked out and am arranging plans to help both.  Tenele is one of them, and if you know my Tenele story, you know that I won't let that happen.  So on Saturday, I took Rachael (who had been on our trip last year) with me to go pick up Tenele at her homestead.  About halfway there, I asked Rachael if she remembered if we were going the right way.
"I've never been to her home," she replied.
"What?" I had totally forgotten that the only person who knew where Tenele lived was Christina, who is now back in the States. I thought Rachael knew, so that's why I brought her with.  But despite my poor sense of direction, we eventually made it somewhat near Tenele's homestead and we met her sister who took us to her home.  There I met her mother again, and tried to be very kind, but it was hard knowing what her mother had done to Tenele.  Her mother tried to kiss Lucia, but Lucia pulled away, so then she kissed the baby Luciano and pretended to be very loving in front of me, but I could tell it was all a show.  So we took Tenele back with us and she is living at the home with us until we can meet with MYC to make permanent plans.

While there are many stories I could write already, there is one person I think deserves mentioning: Gogo (grandmother).  Gogo is the house mother, an older woman who cooks and cleans and keeps the girls in order.  Titi is the reinforcer of rules, helps the girls study, and keeps Gogo company.  Gogo doesn't speak any English, but she has a quiet, loving presence about her that is so powerful.  She loves the girls, it is evident.  She wants Tenele to stay in the home because she enjoys her company and she adores Lucia and Luciano.  In fact, when Gogo holds baby Luciano, the whole room lights up.  Titi told me that Gogo and Tenele have a very good relationship and are friends because they keep each other company during the day and Gogo also teaches Tenele some mothering skills that Tenele has never been taught/shown.  Also, when I helped Dlasile and sent her off with some food and money for bus fare so she can go to school, Gogo put her hands over her heart and thanked me again and again.  She cares so much about these girls, and it's beautiful.  She is beautiful.  I can't wait to get to know her more.  She also is so excited about the skills my mom is teaching her.  She is making a purse and is so excited to have a project and sewing/crocheting, etc.  Gogo may be behind the scenes in many ways, but she is already making a profound impact in my life. It reminds me of the verse: "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment...instead it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which is of great worth in God's sight."  -1 Peter 3:3-4  I hope I can follow in her footsteps of what true beauty really means.

My Place in this World

"The place that God calls us is the place where the world's deep hunger and our deep desire meet."

-Frederick Buechner

Ever since I set foot in Swaziland in 2008, I knew it would hold my heart forever.  I know the Lord has called me there for a specific purpose, and ever since I came back from my nine month teaching adventure in 2010, many people ask me, "So when are you moving there?" or "Are you going to go back long term?"  The answer in my head has always been "yes," but I just don't know when.  When, Lord, am I called to go back for good?  It's so painful living with a broken heart and being away from a place I call "home" and beautiful children that call me "mama."  Sometimes I honestly wish I didn't care because then it wouldn't hurt. But that's just a selfish attempt to protect my brokenness, when really brokenness is a beautiful thing.

Recently, especially after the way this past school year ended (and other events from my previous blog post), I've been wondering if maybe I'm not supposed to go back to Swaizland long term.  What if I am supposed to stay here in the States but just go back to Swazi and visit, lead teams like I am this summer for Hosea's Heart.  That thought turns the knife that's already in my heart.  How can I not go back?  How can I stay away much longer?

I am torn.  I am conflicted.  I feel called to two different places.  I feel called to Swaziland as my life mission, yet I feel called to the broken and empty American youth, too.  Lately, I've been secretly planning my departure for Swaziland indefinitely, but just a week ago I read something that made me stop dead in my plans.

"The place that God calls us is the place where the world's deep hunger and our deep desire meet."  As soon as I read those words, I knew what it meant (though I hardly want to believe it).  Though there is a physical hunger that is so cruel and unjust, there is a spiritual hunger that starves beyond a physical sense.  The best way I've been able to sum up my confliction with my purpose is this: If I knew I were dying right now, I would without hesitation move to Swazi.  I would go there to spend every last ounce of love and hope and breath to pour out onto these girls, these forgotten ones.  I would do everything I could to love and serve and bring them the hope and healing of Jesus Christ.  BUT, (as my good friend Lindsay Crouse had once commented) if the world were ending, I'd stay here.  I'd spend every last ounce of life and breath loving people with the light of Christ so that their spiritual hunger may finally be satisfied.

So, I guess my conclusion at this point, is that my deep desire is to bring hope and healing--and that's to the girls in Swazliand, and that's to my students right here.  Maybe it's not about where I physically am, but where my heart is.  I can't physically be in two places at once, but my heart certainly can.  As my dear brother suggested, "Your hands are needed there, Kate, but your heart is needed here."

So here I will remain until the Lord says, "Time to move."  I'll have to settle with just spending summers in Swazi, which to some might sound like plenty of time, but to me it's still so painful to be away for so long.  One thing I have found to be healing for my own heart, though, is that when the people I love here want to know and help the people I know there.  A piece of my heart heals every time a student wants to know more about Swazi, asks about my kids, or puts thoughts into action and create fundraisers for them.  But I think the greatest healing is going to come this summer, as I journey to Swazi with a group of ten team members!

My heart is already healing at the thought of my mother meeting my children, my sister seeing the faces she's been yearning to hold, my brother breaking for the hearts he'll minister to there.  My heart is already healing that my best friend from high school who has always been so supportive of me is serving with our team, that Hosea's Heart co-founder is going to be lit on fire for a cause he's only been invested in from afar, that a dear friend whom I met while counseling at Lutherdale Bible Camp all those years ago is diving into this journey, that a beautiful young teacher with a passionate heart is so joyfully excited for this mission, that a lovely friend who the Swazis adore is coming back again for the second summer, that a third young man with an incredible heart will be an example of a man of God for these children, and that a young woman from Oregon is sacrificing a year of her life to volunteer with Hosea's Heart and serve the girls of Swaziland with a heart of abandonment.  Wow.  What an incredible summer this will be to be blessed by so many incredible teammates!

Follow us on our journey at: http://www.hoseasheart.org/blog.html.

A Broken World Made Whole

(1-16-13)

I live in brokenness every day, for my job exists in a broken world.  I am a teacher but I am more.  I can’t leave work at work, because when they are broken, so am I.  No, I can’t take all their burdens, I can’t make it all go away, I can’t be their savior, and I can’t fix the pain.  But I know One that can.  The most painful part about my job, about living in the brokenness, about being broken myself, is that I can’t put the Healer to the wounds.  I can’t give the Truth I know will set them free.  I am a teacher, but it comes with pain.

When I became a teacher, I didn’t know the task I was taking on; I didn’t know the weight of the brokenness would make my shoulders hurt.  I didn’t know their lives would become so important to me.  I became a teacher because I wanted to change the world, but I didn’t know the cost it takes, the sacrifice involved for making that come true.

I exhaust myself day after day, preparing, prepping, correcting, stressing, planning, correcting, coaching, correcting…and it goes on and on.  I spend my time with my players, building team chemistry, researching ways to motivate them, wanting the best for them.  My day is full of work, from 7 to 7 I don’t set foot in my own place.  School is practically my home.  When time finally catches up with me, and I have a moment to call my own, that’s when the loneliness sinks in.  That’s when I cry.  That’s when the burden seems too much to bear.  And their faces come flooding back as if I had never left:

The boy who is bullied and tries to hide that he cares.  The one who cries himself to sleep at night, letting pain scribble its way out on to the lines of his journal.  The boy who smokes weed to escape the worries and stresses of life; he calls for help, but it’s more of a call for attention.  The boy whose father is in prison; he tried to hide the pain, the questions, the anger, the shock, but it’s all catching up with him.  He looks his father in the face behind those prison bars and cries. He cries but tries to hide.  The girl who is insecure and can’t bear to stand in front of her peers.  The girl who was in the hospital for attempted suicide.  The girl who lusts after “men” because she’s trying to deal with sexual assault from her past.  The girl who lost herself when she gave herself to a boy she thought she loved; she lost her character, her purpose, a piece of herself she’s desperately trying to gain back but doesn’t know how.  She’s hooked on that feeling of being desired. Student after student--they each have a story of brokenness, and when they can’t stand the thought, the pain anymore, they begin not to care; if they don't care, it doesn’t hurt as much, right?  But they start not to care about anything… 

But these stories are not just about some “boy” or “girl.”  No, they are my students; they are the broken hearts I see every day.  They don’t know I know all that I know.  They don’t know I cry for them.  They don’t know I break for them.  They don’t know I wish I could take the pain for them.  They don’t know the One I want to share with them.  For, He is the One who can take it all away.  He is the one who took on so much brokenness that he died under its burden, in order to bring healing and wholeness. 

So, though I wither under the weight, though I come home lonely and frustrated, when I seek for comfort I don’t have, when I am too busy for the One I yearn to share, He still holds me.  He asks for the burdens, so I’ll lay them down.  Lord, take my burdens, take my brokenness, and most of all, take theirs.  You are the Healer, and we are the wounds.  Make this broken world whole.  

Worth Fighting For

With the opening of Hope for Life home came the miracle I've been waiting and praying for since 2008 when I first met the girl I now call, umtfwana wami.  Since most of you reading have been following my Tenele story for the past few years, you all know how incredible it is that we were able to place Tenele and her baby girl, Lucia, in Hope for Life home!  Tenele lives there with five other girls, a house mother, and my dear friend Christina Hostetter.  Though the home was started because of her story, we weren't initially planning on having her move into the home (since she had a baby) and because we thought her new placement at "home" with her real mother was going to be a success.  Yet, the rollercoaster of her life continued as her mother didn't want her.  So we placed her into Hope for Life home, and for the first time in her life she's been getting counseling for everything she's been through over the course of her grim life.  She confessed to the counselor that she believes everything that's happened in her life is her fault (because that's what she's been told over and over again) and has no self-worth left.  Who can blame her?

Just when things start going well...
We find out that Tenele is 7 months pregnant.  Yes, SEVEN months pregnant.  Fortunately, it's from the same father of Lucia.  When I first heard the news I was so frustrated because I knew this would make it difficult for Tenele to stay in the home and I figured people would use that as "proof" that she's never going to change.  I was upset at her, at the situation, at me, at God, at everything for awhile until I cried out the frustration.  When I called and talked to Tenele one of the first things she said to me was, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry... It was a mistake.  I really do want to change my life.  I do..."  She kept apologizing and I simply said, "Tenele, there's no need to apologize.  You are pregnant, so we'll move forward.  That's all there is to it.  I love you no matter what."  This was exactly what she needed to hear and she proceeded to explain her situation to me.

I can't help but continually break for that girl.  She has been through hell on earth; yet, people still cast her aside.  In fact, there are people involved in the girls home board in Swazi that want Tenele out of the home and don't believe she belongs there.  The argument is that girls like Tenele don't change, they are bad examples and shouldn't be in the home.  She's pregnant, and that's not okay.  While on the one hand, I can see where they are coming from, on the other they are only reinforcing what Tenele has been told all her life: she's not worth it.  

Can you imagine what it's going to be like for her when she's ripped from the home... again?  Can you imagine fighting HOPE for your entire life because it only brings you pain because you don't believe you're worth anything...then FINALLY experiencing hope only to have it ripped from you again? Can you imagine how damaging that will be?  I can only hurt for her already.  But she's tough, she'll make it through, no doubt...as she said to me the day her real mother told her she didn't want her, "One day... one day she'll remember me... one day."  Tenele hopes for "one day," and now that it's here, how can it be taken away?

When we come to Christ, he gives us new life.  We are a new creation in is presence; he does not punish us for our past.  Why would we punish Tenele for hers?  Tenele came into the home just a month ago, she came into the home already pregnant, still trying to survive in Mangwaneni as a man kept trying to come after her and rape her.  She now has safety, she now has a home, she now can see a new life!  For the first time, Tenele is going to church regularly, receiving counseling, consistent food, sisterly love, and motherly compassion from Christina.  I firmly believe that Tenele will run Hope for Life home one day.  I see and I can sense it.  In a decade Tenele will be the house mother, caring for girls like she once was, sharing her story and changing their lives!

Pray for this to come true!  Pray for Tenele.  She IS worth fighting for.  She needs to stay in the home, no matter who wants her gone.  Pray for her protection and for compassion of those around her.  Pray for her baby to be put into the hands of a loving mother and father, as Tenele does not want the baby.  Pray for the battle and celebrate the victory that is already being won over Tenele's heart.

I don't know the future, I don't know that best option, I don't know the plan. But I do know this...
She is, was, and always will be WORTH FIGHTING FOR.

Relentless.

Hosea's Heart Answering the Cry: "Please, make me something."

Three years ago, Bongiwe begged me in a letter, "Please, make me something."  She wasn't asking for material things, for money, for food, etc.  She was crying out for hope.  

Now three years later, this plea that started the dream behind Hosea's Heart has now turned into a praise.  For the past year, donors all over have been raising funds for "Litsemba Lemphilo," Hope for Life home.  The home, created for abused and at-risk for prostitution girls, has been renovated and refurnished to house up to 16 girls with two respite rooms for emergency situations.  As of this April 2013, Hope for Life home officially opened!  It currently embraces six girls, one Swazi house mother, and Christina Hostetter, our long term volunteer from Hosea's Heart. Christina, an incredible woman who has been my inspiration since I met her on our first mission trip to Swazi in 2008, currently resides in Swazi at the home as the social worker.  Unfortunately, she has only three weeks left of her year long commitment serving for Hosea's Heart.  Sandy Gallardo, from Oregon, will be her replacement this June and will live in the home for the next year!

Not only are we excited about the official opening of the home, but we are thrilled that the girls already placed at the home can sense new hope and a new life!

 Nine year old Sindi told Christina,

"...Thank you for make me a person..."

What a beautiful fulfillment of the plea that started the mission of Hosea's Heart!  Join Hosea's Heart in continuing to answer the call, "Please, make me something."

Who I Am -- Poems from Swazi Students

"I feel depressed about hatred, poverty, and prostitution." 

-Celane, male, age 14

I Am Poem from Thulile, age 15:
"I was a young girl looking for purpose in life.
I am a young girl who knows what life is...it's too difficult, but people don't know what is life, they keep doing wrong things.
I feel love when I see young girls fight for their life.
I become angry when I see young girls become pregnant.
I become sad when they throw away the key they have for their future.
I become worried about myself when I see young girls pregnant.
I feel depressed about them because they don't know what they're doing in their life.
I seem happiest when they know the Lord God is for everyone who needs him. I am sorry for everyone who has a big problem, but let me tell you that you be the hero to yourself and kind to your opponent.  Forget about what people are saying but know that the Lord will be with you forever.
Sometimes we depend on our friends but they tell us bad things, that is why some get pregnant, but girls, let me tell you that money cannot buy love but happiness and peace can buy love forever."

I Am Poem from Zamokuhle, age 12:
"I was a young girl.
I am looking for a purpose in life.
I feel loved when my mother buys me school shoes.
I become angry when people do not hug me.
I appear sad when my friends don't play with me.
I taste success when I can eat ice-cream.
I feel depressed about my classmates.
I become worried when my teacher Ms. Kate don't come to school for one week.
I appear confident when I passed English.
I seem frustrated when people die of HIV and AIDS.
I look forward to my future because I want to help people."

Poem from Wandile, age 12:
I am a boy.
I feel loved when I have money.
I become angry when my mother is beating me.
I appear sad when I fail at school.
I seem happiest when I'm eating.
I taste success in sweets.
I feel depressed when I'm fighting.
I become worried when my friends are fighting.
I appear confident when we are writing a test.
I seem frustrated when I'm angry.
I look forward to the future because I want to be a doctor.

Poem from Celane, age 14:
I was born in Swaziland.
I am a boy.
I become angry when [soccer] players miss the ball.
I seem happiest when the poem was describing a soccer game.
I taste success whenever I write a soccer composition.
I feel depressed about hatred, poverty, and prostitution.
I hate when I can't solve the problems of the people.

The Voice of Truth

Two things I don't know what I'd do without: Skype and Christina Hostetter.

I finally got to hear directly from Swaziland today from Ayanda and Tenele!  I told them the day I'd be getting to Swazi this summer and their giggles and squeals lit up my heart!  "Ah, Mama...I hear your voice, now I want to see your face!" my sweet Tenele-Bell sighed. She updated me on life and said the man that was coming after her has gone away now, so she feels a little bit safer.  She also said her real mother called her and asked to see her and Lucia.  But Tenele told me, "But my heart is not good to see her right now.  If I go there I think of my life...my step-mom who beat me, my real mom who doesn't love me.  So, I tell her no."  She said her heart hurts when she thinks about it.  I commended her for her strength and she responded with, "I no have good life. I pray one day God give me good life.  I think my life no changed if you didn't come, Mama."  Then she said these following beautiful words,

"God saved my life, and then he gave me you."

She proceeded to tell me about how thankful she is for Christina Hostetter, Hosea's Heart's long term volunteer living in Swazi, and how much she has helped her.  "Christina she's good for me.  She take me like you," Tenele said.  To translate, that means Christina has taken Tenele on like her own daughter, and Tenele can feel it.  She knows there's something special about Christina and that she truly cares.  It took Tenele more than nine months to finally trust my love for her, and now she can see that same love reflected in Christina, because it's a love from above.  She trusts Christina, and that says more about the character of Christina than anything else could.  I owe Christina the world for how she has taken care of my kids and so much more.

After talking with umtfwana wami, I got to hear Lucia's precious murmurs and giggles, too!  Tenele tried getting her to say, "Hello Gogo" on the phone, but Lucia just laughed and then whined.  I sang to her a little bit and Ayanda said that's when she started really giggling.  When Ayanda took the phone back and said goodbye to Tenele and Lucia, she told me, "They're both still smiling and laughing."

Talking with Ayanda is always enlightening.  She never ceases to amaze me, and God never ceases to use her to speak truth and encouragement into my life.  "It's been too long," Ayanda first scolded me for not calling recently.  "You've been too busy."

She doesn't know how true those words really are.  I have been too busy, too busy even for myself, and unfortunately too busy for my kids, too. We talked for a long time and I was trying to get her to share some information she was not wanting to share.  She told me I had to share something about me first.  I said, "Okay, what do you want to know?"

She laughed and said, "You know.  You know your secret."  I was thinking, what secret? when she interrupted... "Hey, when you first started talking I can tell something's not right.  Something's on your mind you're trying to avoid. I see how you are talking, you catch your words...like you're hiding something."

Surprised at her words of truth I was silent.  I indeed had a rough week but didn't like telling anyone about it.  I am usually so good at hiding. So, I was unaware that the way I was talking gave her an indication that something was up.

"That's okay," she ventured in.  "You can tell me later because I think you're doubting yourself."

How can this 16 year old across the ocean possibly know what's going on just by hearing my voice?  She understands me more than I understand myself sometimes.  

 "Don't ever have a doubt in yourself," she stated kindly.  Those words could not have come at a better time from such a pure and loving heart.

She thinks I know more about life than she does, that I have answers, and she says she looks up to me.  I disagree.  "Ayanda, you know more about life than I do," I told her.  It amazes me that my spiritual mentor is a 16 year old living in a different world. Just proof that the Holy Spirit has a voice at any age.  

Everyone needs an Ayanda in life.  What a gift, she's such a gift.

So these two wonderful children, Ayanda and Tenele, are awaiting the opening of Hope for Life, which should open by next week! Check out Christina's blog updates for on the field stories: http://christinahealingheart.blogspot.com/

Letter to my Lilies

To My Precious Daughter,

You are called to be a lily among thorns.  You are called to excellence amidst a world of mediocrity.  You are called to live a life worthy of true love.  You are called to wait—to wait for this true love.  Enduring patience is the key to this excellence.  Too many people are satisfied with mediocrity; they are lukewarm.  Not you.  No, my daughter, not you.  You should crave excellence, to be steaming hot.  Waiting for the right one and staying pure for the One will be increasingly difficult, but it will be more than worth it.

                For, I have waited; actually, I still am waiting for God to bring me His chosen one.  But I know he’s coming—not for me, but for you.  I have waited and I have struggled; it has been lonely and empty at times, and often I cried.   But even in my loneliness, my bitterness, my pain, I won’t give in to mediocrity, I won’t give in to temporary pleasure.  I have tasted and seen the goodness of the Lord, and I will not trade that for anything.  God has put men into my life who have shown me excellence—they’ve inspired me to be excellent.  So, I know my husband, your father, will be excellent.  He will come for you and for me.  In fact, I pray for him now as I do, you.  This is who your father will be:

                He will be “the most excellent of men,” for his “lips have been anointed with grace since God has blessed [him] forever.”  He is a “mighty one,” clothed in “splendor and majesty.”  He “rides forth victoriously in behalf of TRUTH, HUMILITY, and RIGHTEOUSNESS.”  His “right hand will display awesome deeds. Amen.”  (Psalm 45)

                What a man, huh?  He is worth the wait because he is worthy of leading and loving you.  He, too, is calling you to excellence.  For, you are made to be a lily among thorns. 

All my love,

Mama

Simple Fingerprints

Some people come into our lives for but a moment, only to leave fingerprints on our hearts forever.

Sister Mary Jane is a woman I knew for only a few months of my life while I lived Swaziland.  Although we didn't interact much, the moments when we did were always impactful.  Sr. Mary Jane was a patient, kind, and wise woman who centered her heart on the Lord.  She was full of the fruits of the spirit, and it was so refreshing amidst the environment in which I lived daily.  I remembered specifically one time when I went over to the sisters' house to talk.  She let me vent about my frustrations and listened to my hurting heart when I explained Tenele's story.  She felt the pain with me and shared a similar story of her own.  She then left me with simple but profound words that hadn't even had the chance to cross my mind yet:

"This heart of yours for prostitutes may be your life calling."

 I was not in any shape to accept that as a life calling at the time but later on Nov. 23rd, 2011, I wrote in my journal the following few words: "Life-calling? Scary!  But maybe..."

Though Sr. Mary Jane left Swazi that December, shortly after her insight on my life-calling, I feel like I have known her for longer, or at least that she had known me for longer.  She came into my life for but a moment, but her simple words are everlasting fingerprints.