I Shall Not Be In Want

Jehovah-Raah, the Lord my Shepherd

This is one of my favorite names of God!  While the Ambassador team, led by my sweet sister, was in Swazi last month, I was able to occasionally join them for team devotions at night.  One particular night that I was feeling this separation from Joy and confusing degradation of my passion for ministry, Laura had asked the question, “How have you seen Jehovah-raah personally provide for you?”  The immediate, childish answer inside me said, “He hasn’t.” 

I’ve seen the Lord my Shepherd provide in incredible, miraculous ways for this ministry here.  I mean, even looking back two years ago when the girls home first opened in April 2013 and seeing how much our ministry has multiplied in just two years!  And how God has been providing resources, connections, relationships all along the way.  But when Laura asked the question, I was a little surprised by my immediate inner response that God has not provided for me.  I then realized that his provision for me personally has been one of my points of struggle.  God has never left me without and He has prospered this ministry, but when I stopped to think about my personal needs, I can’t even articulate them.  I don’t know what they are because they have mended completely with the ministry.  So when God provides for the ministry, He provides for me, too.  But what about if I take the ministry out of the picture?  The ministry has become my life and has become me.  When people ask what I need, my first response is always something our non-profit needs or our girls need.  But me?  Good question.  What do I need?  So I asked God, "What do I need?"  Who am I anymore?  Who am I apart from this ministry? 

So I told God, “I need encouragement.  I need words of love and joy and comfort.” 

Jehovah-raah, the Lord my Shepherd, he heard my plea and provided:

After not hearing from a Swazi friend for a while, I randomly got this message on my phone one morning: “Good morning to my darling daughter of our Daddy in heaven!  Stay the path baby stay the path.  The best is yet to come!” 

Then a few days later when I was dropping Johannes off, he starting showering me with encouragement and compliments, thanking me for everything I’ve done for them.  I was quite surprised.  He said, “I want to be the old Johannes who helped you out.”  He then asked, “Do you know why you still don't have a husband?”  

I was a little put off by the comment but responded, “I guess it’s not the Lord’s plan yet.”  

He said, “Well, it’s because God’s still working on him, making him right for you.  Be patient.”   Keep in mind, I hadn’t mentioned anything about wanting a husband to Johannes, but once in a while it definitely can been a bit of a sore point in relationship with God. 

On Wednesday, my basketball team decided to have a get-together where we had a braai and a meeting about the future of our team and what we want to do this year, etc.  It ended up being the exact answer to prayer about needing to know who I am apart from ministry.  Well, this basketball team is about the only community I feel like loves me simply for me and not what I do.  It’s so freeing and uplifting to be with them.  We spent 6 hours together and it was one of the best days I’ve had since being back!  

On Thursday, I started teaching again.  Oh, how glorious!  The students submitted semester one reflections and as I read, one student wrote about a conversation he had had with another student.  “She is the reason why I woke up today,” the other student had told him.  He offered me words of appreciation and commitment to pray for me.  This is my other community in Swaziland that is a reciprocal relationship, where it is not just an outpouring, but they return the blessing sevenfold!  I always feel so filled when I am with them. 

Jehovah-raah, thank you for loving me, caring for me, leading me to still waters, making me lie down in green pastures and restoring my soul.  Your love is enough.  I shall not be in want.

My wonderful, beautiful, crazy basketball family

Nothingness

In my journal on 7/9/15, I wrote:

If you have nothing good to say, than your nothingness is your true poverty.

I used to average 2 blog posts per month.  But in the last three and a half months combined, I’ve written only one.  My absence of words and posts is not due to my busyness nor the lack of topics to write about; rather, it’s a reflection of my spiritual desert, my dried up emotions, and heavy feet.  Usually writing is my therapy, but any time I thought of writing a blog, it upset me.  I felt as if there was “nothing good to say.”  Of course, I could have pretended in writing like I do too often face to face, but in my writing, I can only be true to my spirit.  So, as the saying goes, if you having nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.  As I was contemplating this one day, the voice inside my head said: “If you have nothing good to say, than your nothingness is your true poverty.”  Negativity is the source of an impoverished spirit.  I never thought I’d say I was poor, but lately, God has been showing me just how poor I really am. 

The week before I left the States to return to Swazi, I spoke briefly with Fr. James after mass.  I burst into unwanted tears and blustered, “We are supposed to be the joy of the Gospel, but all I can see is the pain.  I’ve lost all joy in this ministry.”

What’s wrong with me?  I wondered.  Why do I feel so miserable?  Daily.  Every day is a different battle, but I never thought I’d have to battle myself daily.  I acknowledge the devil’s tactics of warfare and trying to steal, kill, and destroy me (John 10:10), but I wasn’t prepared for him to turn me into my own enemy.  No matter what, no matter how great things were going, there was always something negative to follow.  Always something that made me groan from the inside out, getting more and more annoyed and irritated with life here... and myself.   I’ve never felt so unhappy, unfulfilled, dissatisfied.  Never.

The weird thing is, I’ve also never felt God so active.  I can sense His army around me, I can hear the Holy Spirit whispering and encouraging, I can see Him in the people around me.  I do not feel separated from God, but I feel an inner anguish I cannot fully explain.  I feel that I’ve been sliced from Joy.  As if Joy was carved out of me and left me bleeding. 

And I’ve held it all in for too long.  Recently, I spilled everything to my mom in an email:

“Sometimes I dread going back to the girls home after a night away.  I see these beautiful daughters only as burdens now, and it kills me.  I want my joy back but I don’t know how.  Every day is different, but somehow it wears me down.  There are blessings everywhere, but all I can see are frustrations, irritations, weakness, and nothingness.  God is being so active in my life right now, but still I am depleted.  I am unhappy.  No matter what.  I’ve wondered that maybe this is God’s way of saying I’m not supposed to be here.  I’ve doubted myself in being able to withstand.  But I also know that no other place would make me “happier,” maybe for a few moments, but not for long.  I know that if I were to leave this calling and ministry, even for something good, I would still suffer, I would still be unhappy.  Because it is something within me.  It is not based on my physical suffering, my sacrifice of material objects or comforts, or even leaving relationships behind; it is something within me that causes me to suffer.  We are called to take up our crosses, yes, but we are supposed to do it without complaining, without dwelling on the pain and darkness, but that’s what I’m doing.  I desperately want joy again, not just for a moment, not just for a day, I want it consistently.  I’ve never in my life felt this way before… It’s an inner anguish I know not how to explain, nor do I know how to get rid of it.”

I also shared my struggles with a few friends, and one who directed an orphanage in Peru for several years offered me some incredible encouragement and advice:

“First off, you are not alone.  That is one of the devil’s favorite tricks…to wear us down and convince us of these three things:  1) We are in this alone.  2) Our suffering will bring no merit.  3) It’s our fault we feel this way.”

It rocked me to read how spot on she was.  Indeed, I had been feeling a gravity of loneliness, even though I’ve felt very supported.  In my inner anguish I got frustrated, wondering why I was struggling and it made me bitter feeling like it was for no reason and as she stated would “bring no merit.”  And lastly, I was heavily upset with myself.  “I shouldn’t be feeling this way.  What’s wrong with me?  If God called me here, I should be happy.  What am I doing wrong?  Why am I so weak?  I can’t do this…” and the more I focused on my sin and failures, the angrier at myself I became. 

The thief had stolen my joy, killed my words, and destroyed my view of self.  But this will not remain so.  

I can choose to remain in this poverty, or I can choose to choose joy despite the negativity.  I thought about deciding to never write anything negative in these blog posts again.  And that’s why I haven’t written.  But then a quote from a very wise woman echoed in my head, “The problem is with a lack of brokenness.  You must pray to stay broken.”  Now, being broken and being negative are two very different things.  I don’t want to be negative anymore, but I must remain true to the brokenness and vulnerability God asks of us. 

So, I must promise this to you, as my blog readers, my supporters, my encouragers, my army: I promise to write more often.  I promise that I will find something good to say, no matter how I’m feeling, but I also promise to remain real and let you know really how I’m feeling.   If I don’t promise you this now, if I don’t write this publicly, my nothingness will continue to be my poverty. 

So, you can look forward to the next week of many blog updates…because, really, I have SO much to say about the glories of God in this beautiful, broken, learning-how-to-truly-die-to-self daily life.  Emotional, real, joyful moments coming your way.  Until then… pray that I stay humble and broken, admitting defeat and leaning on God to carry me.       

Generation of Quitters

"We are not here to make an impression.  We are here to make a difference." -Ann Voskamp

"Everyone loves 'justice' until there's a cost." - Eugene Cho

"We are called to spiritual warfare, not to a sheltered life of comfort without pain.  Our comfort comes from knowing who God is.  We are called to be overcomers, not avoiders." -Dean Sherman

"Satan tries to prove to us that God fails us when our circumstances are less than ideal and even painful.  We can react in hurt and bitterness towards God or we can react with absolute trust in His character." -Dean Sherman

"Gratitude starts movements." -Ann Voskamp

"Will we pursue justice with joy?" -Eugene Cho

"Pray to stay broken." -Ann Voskamp

"Don't be afraid to tell hard, messy, broken stories." -Ann Voskamp

"Living a life for Christ means constant interruptions." -Bob Goff

"We are the Esthers. We are to risk everything for those outside the gate."  -Ann Voskamp

"We are a generation of quitters.  We quit our places of leadership.  We quit our marriages.  We drop out of the church.  We get hurt and discouraged and quit.  Don't we realize that this is a part of warfare?  'For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God, you may rec3evei what was promised' (Heb 10:36).  Satan is in constant hope that God's people will give up--that their cirucmstances, the tasks set before them, and the daily adversities of life will be too much for them to endure." -Dean Sherman

"Too many Christians quit minutes before the victory." -Dean Sherman