A Heart Like Jenga

Setting up this ministry has been like setting up the game, Jenga. Piece upon piece is laid, all interconnected to form one tower. The newer pieces are easiest to take away, while the oldest are, in many ways ,most integral because they form the foundation.

God gave me the first Jenga piece eight years ago. He broke my heart for a cause I never imagined could exist in such horror; he captured my heart for a girl I call my own. “She is my beloved,” He said. “Build her a home.” Satan mocked it when she was entranced by an evil spirit one Sunday, and the demon said, “Get away. We are building a home in here.”

For years she’s been battling these two forces – good and evil – choosing which should be her home.

“Let nothing move you,” God reminded me through Scripture. So, despite the failures or heartache of losing pieces, we’ve continued to build. Some girls have come and gone. Satan has snatched away some pieces (at least momentarily), leaving holes and exposing our weakness in the tower. Still, we lay the next piece.

Because Christ is my foundation, I haven’t been scared. Even when a girl whom I dearly love told me it was her task from Satan to kill me. Even when I’ve watched girls run away with pieces of my heart when they’ve left our home or rejected Christ. I’ve remained firm because I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand I will not be shaken. –Psalm 16:8

Until now.

Without knowing, piece by by piece – taken or built – I’ve let the tower become an idol. I’ve turned my mission into my identity. And satan has waited a long time to take advantage of this. To take out a foundational piece in hopes to watch me crumble.

Umtfwana wami.

For the past several months, I’ve seen her struggling. I’ve sensed her loneliness. I’ve perceived her doubts. Buried under the pieces of what Hosea’s Heart has become. Calling for my attention but never saying a word. I noticed her weight loss, the way she stopped doing her hair, and…ah, her eyes. I can read her eyes better than the alphabet. I tried to give her time, I convinced myself she was fine. After all, it was her own words she kept saying, “Mom, I’m fine.”

And so I built on. With impending urgent tasks for the ministry, working to meet social welfare’s standards, laying down the roots to our expansion project and balancing home school, two toddlers, and the needs of 14 other girls, I kept building instead of strengthening. I chose work over her. I told her I’d spend time with her but time always ran out. Errands, work – building the tower took priority. By the time I realized what I had become: a workaholic, it was too late.

The tower was shaking. An important piece now gone. A week after arriving to the U.S. this past month, I was given the news that umtfwana wami had left the ministry. That she wanted to do life on her own, without Hosea’s Heart, without me. “It’s okay,” I prayed, rejoicing that this could be her opportunity to truly surrender all to Christ. That this was her test of faith, and she would succeed. I had no doubt.

“She’s selling her body again,” the news came like an unforeseen tsunami. “I didn’t want to believe it,” Rachel told me, “But I saw her on the corner myself.” I felt like an arrow had pierced my heart. Images of her on the corner that I pass nightly on my way home made me sick to my stomach.

I was shocked. Still am. Still waiting for someone to wake me up from this terrible dream. My whole body went numb. Even ask my mom. She was with me the day I found out. I became like a robot, unfeeling and rude. I couldn’t breathe, yet air passed through me freely.  But worse news came. News from another volunteer whom umtfwana wami had told the reasons for her leaving. Leaving because I didn’t love her—blaming me for things beyond my control. Making me an enemy. It was as if the arrow that had pierced me was filled with venom. I’ve never felt so cold in all my life.

I wish this post had a happy ending. But to be honest, not all the venom has been sucked out of me. The tower of my heart is still shaking. So I’m admitting that I’m weak, vulnerable, in need of help navigating through the pain, the shock, the anger, the self-hatred. How could I have been so blind? So prideful? So idolizing? How could she be so selfish? So victimized? So ungrateful?

And yet God’s grace touches us both. Touches us equally, heals us profoundly. And I hear Him remind me again, “Let nothing move you…”

Satan may have succeeded in making my tower shake, but he can never make it fall. For Christ alone is my rock and my foundation. In Him, I will not be moved.  

“The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” –Psalm 18:2

  

Meeting Their Needs: Small Things With Great Love

 She showed up on the front door step with a baby held snuggly on her back by a tattered towel. Her eyes looked tired like an aged adult, but she was young. So young. She hadn’t made it past her first year of high school. “Can you help me?” she asked in a near whisper. “I need work.”

It’s a weeknight. After dropping off the interns, I leave the volunteer house to head to my house. I approach the stop before the traffic circle and movement on my left catches my eyes. She’s wearing a skintight mini skirt. Two more young women are on the corner with her.  It’s a weeknight. It’s only 8 p.m. They need work.

“I want out of prostitution,” she tells me with intensity. “But it’s so addicting. Every morning after…” she pauses to catch her breaking voice, “I hate myself.” She asks me for help. She wants a job and a safe place to stay. But she already has two children. The girls home is full. There’s no room for them.

I get a call from the sexual-abuse counseling center. They’re pleased with our work and ministry. So pleased that they want to start an official partnership with their counseling organization. They also have more girls in need of a safe place. In need of our ministry.

I get a phone call from another missionary. She has a young woman who is suicidal and in need of help. But she has children. There’s not enough room for them.

All of these happened in a month. One month. So much need. Living in a place where the needs seem to always be increasing, ministry can be discouraging. But that’s when we remember that we are not the saviors. “We cannot do great things in life, only small things with great love” (Mother Teresa).

We can’t do everything. But we can do something.

If you’ve ever wanted to do something to help us meet these needs, here is a list of little (or big) things marked with great love:

Stateside:

·      Attend “From the Ashes” event on November 19th at Nitty Gritty in Sun Prairie, WI. At this event, you will get the chance to bid on incredible silent auction items (including Amelia Island vacation package, autographed Brett Favre football, photography packages, LuLaRoe gifts, and so much more!), eat excellent food, and learn about the expansion project which will help meet all the needs of the stories listed above! Attend the event and bring a friend!

·      Or consider substituting your attendance by donation the entrance fee ($10) online at www.hoseasheart.org/donate. 

·      Do you have skills in marketing? Would you donate your time and talent in helping Hosea’s Heart launch their expansion project?

·      Get your church involved. Or be the bridge to other corporate sponsorships.

·      Host a February fundraiser for Valentine’s 2017! Calling all hearts and hands for this major fundraiser that will occur in several cities on the same weekend for the same purpose. Already there are events being planned in OshKosh, La Crosse, and Madison, Wisconsin. Where else can you host/plan an event? It can be something as simple as asking a restaurant to donate 10% of its income that night to Hosea’s Heart or something as complex as a dinner or dance. Be creative!

·      Simply spread our message. Like our Page and invite your friends. Share our posts on social media. Share your heart with ours.

Onsite:

·      Join our January mission trip! Jan. 3rd-17th we are sending a team of willing volunteers to get their hands dirty by breaking ground on our expansion project! The project is a three-hectare chunk of land to house up to 55 girls plus staff.  The team will prep the land for the construction of the buildings. This includes land clearing, landscaping, and also building one of the most important elements of the project: fencing for security and safety. Email rachael@hoseasheart.org for more information. Or consider donating the price of the trip ($2,000) to someone who can't afford to go or to the project itself.

·      Four girls are in need of a homeschool teacher! Their school year starts in January and ends in the beginning of December.  Starting this January, they will start a new school year and need a teacher willing to learn alongside with them and help build curriculum. The girls in need are teenagers but in grade levels 3-4, 7-8, 8-9. Time commitments are conditional but preferably for a six month (or more) service. Email rachael@hoseasheart.org for more information.

·      Interested in short term trips? The girls would love a vocal teacher, dance teacher, or art teacher to come and offer new skills. They also need a reading teacher or someone to help them improve reading comprehension. These individual trips are offered during term break interims (April, August, Dec-Jan) and can be arranged by contacting rachael@hoseasheart.org.  

·      Interested in long term trips? Check out our website for information on becoming a year long intern. http://hoseasheart.org/volunteer/

“We cannot do great things in life, only small things with great love.”

-Mother Teresa

Who Takes Care of You?

“So, who takes care of you?”

I was sitting in my parked car, waiting to pick up one of the girls from her counseling session when a friend walked over to talk to me. In my lap I had my MacBook (a gift from my La Crosse friends--a constant reminder of their love), and a binder full of receipts was displayed on the drawer of the glove box. Missionary life calls for a mobile office, even if it means my car.

After making small talk and asking about the ministry, my friend then dove right to his point.

“You take care of many people and many things. So who takes care of you?”

“Good question,” I chuckled, unsure of his angle. The laugh also came from the irony of hearing the exact question I’ve asked God in my moments of loneliness. I’ve prayed numerous times, “God, when are you going to send someone to take care of me?”

His response was always the same: Beloved, I Am Enough.

“I mean, the demands of a ministry like this must wear you out. There’s so much emotional baggage you probably carry. I had done counseling in the past but I had to stop because it just emptied me and exhausted me. I’m sure you face those same feelings.”

“Oh indeed I do,” I sighed. In fact, he had no idea how right he was in that moment. The spiritual battles and emotional battles we fight on behalf of the girls and ourselves can be exactly as he said—emptying and exhausting. Here is an example of last night:

After reading through Acts 16 during Bible study, we pulled out a main theme about slavery vs. freedom. 

In chapter 16, Paul casts out a spirt in a slave girl. This slave girl was calling out after Paul, yelling, “These men are the slaves of the Most High God!” After the girl is set free from the evil spirit, the owner of the slave girl is enraged and puts Paul in prison—another enslavement. When an earthquake shakes the prison and the chains fall off, the guard, imprisoned by fear, takes his sword to kill himself. Paul stops him and the guard asks to receive salvation—freedom.  Usually slavery has negative connotations, but not here. Slavery usually means a spirit of powerlessness. Not with Christ. A slave of Christ means a life bound to freedom! A life not powerless but powerful! So, using this message and theme we entered a meditative part of worship where I asked the girls to picture their prisons, the dark places where they don’t want to go, the things people have done to enslave them. Then I asked them to picture the earthquake like in the Scripture reading and God setting them free. It was surely a Spirit-filled worship night, as the Holy Spirit had uncovered the theme in the moment and then gave me wisdom to direct the girls into the time of meditative worship. As we closed in prayer, I felt the Spirit say, “Don’t leave without walking them through what they just envisioned.”

But it was late. I was with Lora, one of our interns, and she hadn’t eaten all day except breakfast. I wanted to drive back early enough so she could get dinner and so I could get home a decent time. But who can say no to the Spirit?

So Lora and I called a few of the girls in our room, one by one, to hear about their prisons and help them sort through the message of freedom.

Wow, was I in for a surprise! What I thought would take no longer than one hour to talk to thirteen girls to simply check in and pray for them ended up taking FOUR HOURS and we only got through six girls. The girls whom I thought were doing very well were the ones who had some of the hardest, obstinate spirits, hiding from their pain and hiding from themselves. In those four hours, we uncovered some very deep hurts, some great revelations, some hard questions and painful moments. Some comments were as follows:

“I don’t want to be here. No one wants to be here. Everyone wishes they could be with their families. But we can’t have our families!”

“I wish to forgive my mom.”

“Tonight, I pictured my mom’s face. I’ve never met her because she died when I was a baby. But I saw her picture,” tears rolled down her cheeks. “I wanted to be with her.”

“I can’t be sad. It’s not okay to cry.”

“I’m not deserving of love.”

“Where was God?”

“I can’t tell you my secrets.”

“Nobody loves me. Everyone makes me angry.”

“I feel like I abandoned my baby.”

“No.” The immediate response to any question, “No.”

The constant themes through these four hour battles: Silence. Shamefulness. Guilt. Worthlessness. Isolation. Unforgiveness. Fear of rejection. Walls, walls, walls…prison walls.

But all walls come crashing down at the sound of Jesus’ name. Several times in talking to certain girls, Lora and I could visibly see the spiritual battles—in her eyes, in the way she hung her head, in the way she laughed when it was inappropriate to laugh, in the way she initially refused to take off her hood and be seen, the way she refused to talk…We had to stop several times in mid-conversation and pray outloud for Jesus to come and break the chains and repulse satan. At one point, I literally muttered, “Jesus, make her cry.” And finally she did. And finally, the walls crumbled! And finally, we all had victory that night in amazing ways!

But just as a soldier is exhausted after battle, especially a victorious one, so too we were exhausted. As I got in bed past midnight, I sent my mom a message to ask for her prayers, knowing I’d need some extra help, some extra fuel for the next day. And, as always, she responded with incredible words of wisdom, encouragement, and most of all, the prayer of a righteous woman, which is powerful and effective.

I smile with warmth at my friend in front of me—a friend who took time out of his day to come and ask me if I’m being taken care of. And that in itself showed I’m well-cared for.

 I finally answer him, “God takes care of me. Like right now, by sending you to me. I don’t have one person who looks after me. I have many, and in that way I am blessed beyond the care I deserve. God takes care of me in so many different ways and through many different people.”

He smiles. “Okay, I see. God is enough.”

Unable to put into words the Truth of that statement, I beam, reflecting on all the ways God is Enough.  How does God take care of me? Let me count thy ways…  

1)    Reconnecting with an old student and talking to him seriously about coming to Swazi on a short term mission

2)    A friend who began this Swazi journey with me 8 years ago, sent me a VERY large chunk of money when he found out someone had stolen my bank card info and wiped my entire account to the last penny. I couldn’t believe how adamant he was about getting me money, and it was God’s way of telling me directly, “Kate, you have nothing to fear. I’m taking care of you. Even in moments like this.”

3)    Physical touch and words of affirmation – my two love languages. I sat down on the couch at the girls home to close my eyes for a moment’s rest and soon I am joined by four girls, cuddling up to me, playing with my hair or giving me a back massage. It’s like spa day every day.

4)    Kisses from Benji when I tuck him in at night. “Good night, my prince,” I say to him. “Good night princess,” he says back.

5)    Early morning mass with Benji and Lu and their excellent behavior. And Lucia now mimicking when the priest prepares the communion table. At breakfast, Lucia put a flat piece of paper over her cup and lifted it up saying, “The body of Christ.”

6)    This AMAZING weather! It’s summer here, but I ache for fall in the States, because it’s my FAVORITE, and it’s like God knew I needed a week of fall here, so He gave it to us! It’s been cool and breezy and even cold at night so I can still sleep with a blanket!

7)    Speaking of fall… fall means football. And for the FIRST time, I taught the girls how to play football!!!!! It was one of the best days all year. SO COOL how in one family we have enough people to play 7 on 7 game of football!!!!

8)    A Swazi friend slipping me extra cash to help lessen the sting of my stolen account money

9)    Mashed potatoes. J

10) Lucia picking flowers for me and leaving them as a “surprise” on my dresser (which then included a surprise of bugs as well)

11) Receiving post cards from my friends

12) Getting a package from mom who sent me a pair of skinny jeans (which I would’ve never picked out for myself, but wow they look good! Nice work, Mom!)

13) DANCING! That's also probably a love language in itself. I could dance all day, every day. Especially when we listen to Lecrae. I like to pull up to the house jamming to music, and when the girls hear it, they all run out and we have spontaneous dance parties and worship parties. They fill me every time. 

So, who takes care of you?

The King of Kings and the Lord of Love. He is Enough.