*This is not the post you think it is.
It’s not a beautiful story of my
engagement.
I am not planning a wedding.
However, I am preparing…
to be a bride…
but as a single woman again.*
This is not a horrible breakup story, but it is about
brokenness.
This is not a heart-wrenching fallout, but it is about
falling.
This is not about betrayal and heartbreak, but it is
about a heart that aches.
My incredible birthday gift last
September lasted not quite a year. But it is still my greatest gift; he is still a gift. But our relationship
has ended. The morning after the breakup, I had tried to sleep in because the
kids are on school break. But Ben and Lu were, of course, up early and roused not
just my body but my bitterness. I woke to their yelling and fighting and
hitting and crying. And I just burst into tears, “Can I just have a break, God?
What more do you want from me? I can’t do this single mother thing anymore. I
just can’t. It was easier to push through when I thought you were providing a
lifelong partner, thought you were fulfilling my dream… but now? I wonder if I
should just go home and not come back.”
I was hurting deeply, not just
because I missed him but because it
felt like my dream had died. I was preparing for a funeral of my future instead
of a marriage. Watching it burn and being helpless to save it. Didn’t we just talk about rings a week ago?
How can it just suddenly be the end? My thoughts pained me, and I began to
grow bitter at him. The enemy’s voice took quick advantage:
You're not going to be a good wife; look how hard this
relationship was. In the end, you weren’t worth it, not even to a future
pastor. You weren't good enough or he wouldn't have given up. He saw all your
faults and measured you accordingly. You're too hard to love. I told you from
the beginning but you didn't listen to me. I was only trying to protect you. No
one will marry you when this is your mission. It's messy and hard. Even you. You're
not worth fighting for. Now you see for yourself. He walked away...
Everything I had been working
for, all I had been hoping for now gone. He was the one I had been waiting for,
the one I knew God has anointed, the one I chose. But where was he now? Where
were the actions to prove his words? All I held were empty promises along with
lies from the enemy accusing him and demeaning me. I wondered if the voices
were true, and if I never will get married after all, will never have the
chance to be the wife I yearn to be, and have a marriage to magnify the Kingdom,
the True Groom and Bride. I felt completely hopeless for the first time since I
could remember.
But God pressed into me,
reminding me who I was and who my man was, and gently guiding my thoughts to
the deepest part of my heart, the part that had a hole. With an end, a “death”
of the dream, I was forced to step back and go eye to eye with my own failures,
my own brokenness, my burnout that I had been hiding from by clinging to him to
fulfill my emptiness. I began seeing how empty all my relationships were – not
just his, because my core was still empty. I mean, imagine, after expending
myself all day on tasks, 19+ girls and 6 staff, and two crazy kids – 7 and 6
yrs who bicker and fight on the hour every hour… what did I have left to give
him? By the end of the day came, I just wanted him there for me, seeking to be
filled but not able to give. Those came in mountains and valleys of course; at
my best self and during my highs, I’m a natural encourager, empathizer, and
lover, but unfortunately, my lows are more common this year than highs until I
get back to optimum health. If you were following my posts, you know about the
burnout I’m going through and that it’s a process of healing that I wish I
could fix on my own, but I simply cannot. Time seems to be my enemy because I
just want to be new now, I want to be
whole now, I want to be recovered now. I may be a little better now, but
I’m still hardly enough to keep my own bucket full, let alone fill others’. I could
never blame him for the breakup. If I had been honest with myself and him, I
wasn’t healthy enough for a relationship at the moment. Still, facing another
broken relationship felt like the biggest failure I’ve experienced yet.
The accusations, negativity,
bitterness, self-condemnation refused to let up. But there was beauty in the
chaos. In facing the ugliest parts of myself, I re-embraced a Love that keeps
no record of wrongs. I saw how blessed I am to be surrounded by so many amazing
people even in my tired, weak love. I was at first ashamed of my emotional
immaturity, my inability to bridle my tongue when angry, my
push-till-it’s-finished task-obsessiveness, my perfectionism…(which all came
out in my relationship) but there was also hope knowing these are areas now
exposed so that I can work on them.
Journal:
I wish I could experience Lamentations
3:22-23 in the flesh. To wake up and it’s ALL new – My relationship with him as well as ALL my relationships. All of
them are so empty; I am distant. I don’t even look the girls in the eyes
anymore. What is that?! I feel so far, even when I’m hugging them. I feel like
a failure. How can I have healthy relationships outwardly when I can’t even
take care of the 2 people (Ben and Lu) in my own house. I noticed how
controlling I am – and condescending. I also didn’t realize how often I used
the phrase “What are you doing?” with Ben and Lu but in a demeaning tone. It’s
not even in what I say anymore but how I say it. I am so ugly inside – what
happened? Please help, I am overwhelmed.
Now more than ever, I see how
much this ministry has changed me. Most for the good, but a lot of
undercurrents of ugly… The kind of personality I had to morph into in order to
keep this ministry going and the way I had to fight for the girls (whether in
court, within related ministry personnel, with runaways, in legal matters in
our operations, in buying land, in building, in negotiating, in waiting in
lines for hours after days on end, making countless phone calls and meetings,
in getting used or fooled and learning not to repeat those mistakes, etc.)
demanded a thick skin and an I-will-not-rest-till-it-is-finished attitude. But
what was needed on the professional side of things eventually became who I was
in my personal life, too: someone who pushed others too hard, sometimes running
over them, and having such thick-skin that it made a once grace-covered
approachable me to a suddenly unapproachable, distracted person. No wonder why
I feel empty and lonely even in a crowded ministry. My body is here, but I am
not.
Just when I
felt like I had reached true forgiveness for my man as well as for myself, more
depressing thoughts then turned to anger at God. I pelted heaven with my
pointed questions and accusations. “You led me astray! Why would you allow this
to happen? Why did you lead me on? I thought You chose him; I even submitted, I
committed, I was willing to do what was needed to make it work. But now for
what? All this work, all this year…for this?
To be tricked? Given empty promises, by both you and him? To have hope just to
see you crush it? To end up feeling too difficult, hard to love, unwanted? Not
worth fighting for? To give him the deepest parts of my heart and then watch
him walk away? To battle this alone while you remain silent? I’ve seen you step
in before, where are you now? Why won’t you intervene? Why won’t you answer me?
Shouldn’t you be defending me and granting my heart’s desires?”
While on
retreat, we were prompted to answer this very question Jesus asked Blind
Bartimaeus in Mark 14, “What do you want me to do for you?” So I wrote:
“I want to be fought for, pursued, to feel
worthy beyond treasure. For him to tell me, ‘I will never leave you. I will
stay even through all the ugly.’ I have a deep longing for my own ‘Michael
Hosea’ in the flesh. I long to be the mission instead of the missionary. A deep
desire for you to call someone to pursue me all the days of his life. To
restore marriage, purity, the gift of waiting, to bring glory to the King.”
But I had to sit with my desires
as empty buckets, instead of fulfilled dreams. But then I had an incredible,
intimate moment with my Papa, my King. After a meditation on Isaiah 43, this is
what flowed on my journal:
Kate,
There is
only room in your heart for one. You want to be fought for, but you already have
a Savior. Am I not enough for you? I know your flesh—your longings, but did you
forget mine? I long for you, I ache
for you. Only you. All of you. It doesn’t matter what man does or does
not do for you, because I never left
you. I will never walk out on your
darkest, ugliest days. I am here. I am enough. Let him go. Focus on me and what
I can do for you, who I Am. When you allow me to fill your spiritual realm, you
will be more effective on earth. Come away with Me. Choose me. I am your Hosea.
Love,
Jesus
Christ the King
Amazing how one moment, one
encounter with Jesus can change everything. Suddenly, I had answers to my
questions, I had revelation and understanding because I was overwhelmed by
God’s love for me. Even at my worst. He still chooses me. Even when I blame
him, sling words of accusation and bitterness at him, or don’t understand him.
He still chooses me, chases me day after day. I had forgotten my first love. I
had tried to fill the hole in my heart with an earthly love – a love that was
beautiful, divine, and still a gift – but a love that was not meant to take the
place of a Savior. I am not without. I am pursued, chosen, wanted, redeemed. I already
have my Hosea.
Suddenly, all that I had been
looking for and agonizing over because I had been without was found right in
front of me: Unconditional Love. A love that doesn’t get tired. A love that
never walks away, never gives up, doesn’t change its mind. A love that knows
it’s hard and perseveres anyway. A love that upon injury doesn’t shut down, but
continues to give out. A love that is not based on performance, a love that
doesn’t depend on the reaction of the recipient, a love that doesn’t fear
rejection. A love that sees your ugliest hour, and shows up. Never leaves.
Never fails. I wanted this love in my relationship but I forgot I already had
it. Not just in the idea of Jesus, but actually in the flesh.
In my own hands, I held this
love every time I held them.
The very ones who are the
recipients of my worst self – and I mean worst,
lowest, most tired, emptiest, angriest, bitter, exhausted self. They are the only
two people who have seen this side of me day in and day out, yet they never tire of loving me: Lucia and
Benji. They are the recipients many times of my sharpest words and fiercest
anger, yelling at their misbehavior, and also the recipients of rejection (when
I’m too tired, distracted, or busy to sit and play a simple game of cards when
they ask).
Yet, they have never left my
side. They have never held my words or my anger against me. They keep no record
of wrongs. They wake up new every
morning and run to me, hug me, kiss my cheek. Sometimes Benji will pull my head
to his and kiss my cheek at random moments during the day and say, “I love
you.” For. No. Reason. I believe in his own heart he feels when I’m in pain, can
sense my loneliness, my emptiness. He doesn’t understand it, but he sees what
love can do; he sees what a kiss on the cheek tells my soul and what the words,
“I love you, Mom,” do for my heart. I can go from disciplining him one hour and
then his delightful love melting all my anger the next. Lucia is the same. I
could go overboard in yelling at her or I could dismiss her because I’m busy,
but she will never let up; she’ll keep coming for me and my attention, keep
pursuing me, giving me hugs, starting tickling wars, and writing me love
letters. I don’t get it. How could the two people who get the worst love out of
me (my worst self) be the two who love me the most?
Just the other day after church,
Benji picked a flower and ran to me: “Here, Mom, for you! Because I love you a
billion and billion!” It took everything in me not to weep at this love.
Unconditional Love.
And shortly after my breakup,
when I was starving for God’s love himself, Lucia came to my office while I was
working and with her sweetest smile presented me a letter with the three most
powerful words copied over and over in every different color. Indeed, the love
of God is real and colorful.
No wonder God says that to enter
the kingdom of heaven, we should become like children. I have never experienced
such unconditional love in all my life.
As I found healing and assurance
in God’s gifts of love on earth, I also had one of my most powerful encounters
with the Divine (as almost all my visions do) as I sat in the small stone
chapel alone, praying. I’ve had incredible visions and prayers and connections
with the Holy Spirit there. I am artistic in nature, a visionary, and I love to
create, so in my prayers sometimes when I close my eyes visions unfold – either
by focusing on an image or imagining a certain place and what it would look
like, sound like, smell like, etc. and then a vision unfolds as if I’m just
sitting and watching a movie.
So this uneventful morning as I
prayed in the small stone chapel, I had a vision with my spiritual Mother…
I was in God’s throne room, but it
was like a banquet hall…Mother Mary quieted all the guests in the room, and
said, “Please listen, she has something to say.” And they all looked at me. I
panicked. What? I don’t have anything to say. But I ended up speaking outloud (my eyes
still closed) a speech that I gave in the vision. I began by thanking everyone
in my life (as if I was accepting an award), but then started apologizing…(like
a public confession) and real tears just started streaming down my cheeks as I
named sin after sin…apologizing for not being who I want to be, leaving the
Holy Spirit, my best friend, behind. I physically cried – tears just streaming
down my chin and getting a snotty nose. I asked God to help me restore what my
sin has destroyed and those I had hurt.
Then Mother Mary said to everyone, “Well,
you heard her. She needs our help. Go and take back everything Satan has
stolen,” and she dismissed the guests like an army full of angel warriors. Then
she turned to me and hugged me. “Who are the tears really for?” she gently
asked but I couldn’t speak. “T….?” she said her name and I cried, nodding my
head. My perpetual prodigal daughter, consistently straying sheep. “Who else?
Who are they for? B….” I nodded and starting naming people in my life, one by
one – brothers, family, friends, run aways, even my self-hatred, etc.
When I had finished unloading all
that was in my heart, she showed me that my tears had soaked her shirt and
illuminated her heart, as if it was now transparent. Then she did something
that shocked me. She took her heart and put it in me! She put her heart in my
chest. I sobbed. What power, what love, what hope! How unworthy I am.
Then I opened my eyes and looked at
the flower stand by the altar which had white silk around it and sky blue tool
tied as a bow. The sight immediately reminded me of a wedding, and Mother said,
“Prepare the bride,” to her attendants. “She’s ready now.”
You can’t make this stuff up.
Now, every time I get discouraged or start to lose hope, I remember this
vision, a new heart, and the words Prepare
the Bride. It drowns out the doubts and lies that I’m not good enough, and
I look forward in eagerness to the day I get to be a bride on earth as I am to
my Eternal Husband in heaven. Until then, though, I prepare myself for my true
King. I prepare, as I would for a wedding, to honor the King of Kings and Lord
of Lords. The only Savior who sits on the throne of my heart.
As I used to always say in
counseling others, I now say to myself; stop
worrying about finding the one and focus on becoming
the one.
Prepare to be a Bride.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Journal:
“Give him to me, completely. It will
be up to Me to give him back or to send a different warrior who has given me
his Yes as you have, my daughter, my lily. Let him go. Be single again. Note what
you have learned. Work on you. Grieve. Heal. I will restore you myself. This
may be your greatest test yet. You could almost taste marriage, planning a
ring, a future, etc. Can you relinquish your dream of marriage, knowing I am
your Eternal Husband, Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace? Knowing I will
bless you. No matter what anyone says – you, him, your friends, family, the
world – I get the final say. Treat this as a form of surrender. Not “cutting
him off” but not expecting to be with him again. Just surrender. And watch ME
work for you. Love, Abba.”
This
revelation helps me balance expectations in a relationship, because my
expectations have been insanely high, bordering perfectionism. So I started reflecting,
Why is it that I felt the “need” for my
boyfriend to buy me flowers when my 6 year old son picks his own and gives them
to me with a kiss on the forehead? Shouldn't that be enough? Why do I
"need" that from my boyfriend when I can get even greater love than
this? Or why is it that I expect my boyfriend to be creative and make a list of
why he loves me, when I have a daughter telling me 33 reasons she loves me for
my 33rd bday. I mean, wow. Love is so much broader and deeper than romance!
Romance is great, yes of course; but it’s meant to be the icing ON the cake,
NOT THE CAKE ITSELF! Love is the cake, romance is the frosting. Then, and only
then, can we be happy and single, happy and married, happy and dating, happy
and not. 
