Is There Not One?

Is there not one, Lord? Even if there was just one, my heart would be consoled, my anguish comforted. But there was none. 

Death of an employee. Death threats. Demonic uprisings and ‘assignments’.

Physical separation – grieving the loss of a loved one – choosing to remove someone I love for the sake of everyone else’s safety. 

Repeat the above for a second time, second loved one, second shot to the heart. 

Attempted suicide. 

Lies, betrayal, secrets, rejection.

Abusing the ministry, the ministry’s property, and my love. 

Firing, losing, letting go.

Heartache. Confusion. Longing. Guilt. Anger. Sadness.

Loss. Again.

Loneliness. 

If only I would have made the effort to see her sooner. I never got the chance to say goodbye. 

Am I to blame for her suffering? Was there something else I could’ve done? Her biological mom insinuated it was my fault her daughter turned out like this – after all, I’m the mom and the one raising her for the past 6 years. 

“You’re not my real mom anyway.” Not just a comment but an attitude. A response to defend their choices and continue in sin. 

“Come join the satanic cult so that we can crush Mama Kate in disappointment.” 

I know it’s not my fault, but the unborn child cries out to me. I weep. For the life that was taken under a ministry created to give life – a future and hope; how ironic. 

I know it’s not my fault, but how did I not see it? How could I be such a fool to believe the lies face to face, eye to eye, heart to heart?

He turned out to be the very person I was trying to protect my girls from. 

I am angry for the injustice, unrighteousness, secrecy and encouragement of sin. (I’m not angry of the sin but covering it up.) I am sad for all the loss, the lies, the covering up each other’s sins that leads to their own futures destroyed. It makes me so sad to see all they lost. And I hurt, too. Because I love them, deeply. The problem of covering up started small, even years ago, “Just don’t tell Mama Kate.” Little things, like breaking rules about giving sweets, cell phones, sneaking into the kitchen at night, secret boyfriends, etc. and then bigger and bigger things. “Just don’t tell.” 

Those three words wreak havoc on the soul. I can look good on the outside, I can lie to your face so that you don’t see what’s really inside. “Just don’t tell.” 

It’s one thing to sin, make a mistake, or fall. There is no shame in that. “All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). But it is a whole other story to go to such elaborate lengths to lie and cover it up for so long, involving so many others with those three destructive words, “Just don’t tell.” What could have been a private confession turned into web of destruction and manipulation.

After all I’ve lost this year, after all I’ve been through, there has been nothing that hurt me more than to know that there were people who knew the sins, destructions, deceit, etc. happening and chose to be silent, chose not to report, chose to become a part of the sin instead of confront it. And these are my daughters, and other adults in the ministry. Many knew, but no one reported – NOT ONE. And this feels like the heaviest betrayal of all. 

Is there not one, Lord? Not one who is for the Truth? I understand the plea, the anguish of God’s heart in Psalm 14:1-3

The fool says in his heart,    “There is no God.”

They are corrupt, their deeds are vile;

    there is no one who does good.

The Lord looks down from heaven

    on all mankind

to see if there are any who understand,

    any who seek God.

All have turned away, all have become corrupt;

    there is no one who does good,

    not even one.

I’ve been so distraught, overhearing the girls in our home who happens to be some of the leaders, say to her sisters, “I would never report anyway” just to win favor of her fellow sisters. Another girl, one who also knew what had been going on for 9 months admitted, “I know it’s not right, but I kept quiet because I just didn’t want to lose her friendship.” 

Lose a friend? Or risk losing a soul! A life! 

Praise God that we didn’t lose the life that was a suicide attempt. Praise God that truth was revealed after that, and that everything done in the darkness was exposed in excruciating light. But isn’t that the absolute GOODNESS of God? He gives us chance after chance after chance to come clean, to come to Him in honesty, humility, confession, to reveal our darknesses that they may be healed. But if we deny chance after chance after chance, HE will step in to reveal it Himself. He asks us to help each other, not to “win favor” but to love each other in truth. But if we refuse? “If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin” (James 4:17). But does God let us sit in that sin? What’s done in darkness will eventually be brought to light. Not because He aims to punish, but because He wants to save! He knows that if you continue to hide, more destruction will come. So He chooses to reveal for the purpose to heal. 

So what about you? Are you hiding? Or hiding someone else’s sin?

If I’m honest with myself, the way I want my daughters to be honest with me, I hide, too. Not just from my sin but also from pain. Escapism. I’ve realized that my ‘workaholicness’ is no excuse – it’s an addiction; it’s also a sin. It’s an attempt for me to throw myself into work that is “important” so that I can escape my own pain, loneliness, darkness. So that I don’t have to look at my own weakness and become discouraged by them. But the truth is… we MUST stop the “addicts” and “aholics” – alcoholic, workaholic, chocolateaholic, sex addict, porn addict, tech addict, drug addict, food addict, workout addict, image addict, social media addict, the list continues. Escapism. Numb the pain, or avoid it completely. And you’ll be fine, Just Don’t Tell. 

I have a new 3-word-phrase: 

STOP THE LIES> Let’s stop lying to ourselves. You may be fooling someone, but you’re not fooling yourself and certainly not God. Tell Someone. Start with God, yourself, and one loving person. 

Be the one. The one that God says, “I looked down from heaven to see if there are any…and I found one.” 

To Save a Soul from Death

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil…”

-Psalm 23:4

“You have your God, Mama Kate. But I have my own gods. And my gods protect me from your God. My gods make me feel good when I’m angry…” said one of my girls just a couple weeks ago, who has been in a satanic cult. She later regressed, “But I know your God is good and mine is evil. And I know your God is more powerful than mine.”

 

The battle is real. The enemy is real. Not all Christians believe there are demons today. But I’d be suppressing the Truth if I told you there aren’t. Demons are real. Exorcisms are real, not just for movies. (Do a scriptural study of the powers of darkness.) I’ve witnessed this. Contrary to movies and public display of demons and devils, exorcisms/deliverance can beautiful, freeing, empowering, miraculous, marvelous, captivating, breath-taking, chilling, and joyous! Freedom is TANGIBLE! Jesus is TANGIBLE! The Word of God is POWERFUL to breaking those chains that are unseen to the human eye.  

 

Even though I have known, seen, touched, experienced these things myself, it still surprises me, scares me, worries me, etc. Sometimes I feel darkness in my room at night, like a blanket hanging from my ceiling. Sometimes when I close my eyes, images of snakes come in through my windows. Sometimes I hate the fact that I have to sleep alone. Sometimes, I’m scared of the dark.

 

But then moments of deliverance happen, and I am reminded that nothing – NOTHING and no power of darkness, no fear – can separate us from the loving and saving work of Jesus Christ who saves our souls from death. (Romans 8:38)  I've learned to utilize 3 unbeatable sources of Light: 1) prayer works! It's a remarkable humility that unleashes the blessings of heaven, soaking us all in healing rain; 2) worship music has a special unseen power to torture the enemy and set captives free; and 3) the Word of God is sharper than any double edged sword! These three combined are unbeatable sources of Light to overcome any power of darkness.

 

Although this past month, JuIy, was unlike I’ve ever experienced in all 6 years of living here, I count it a blessing to walk through valleys of death and darkness and claim victory and light. There is no way to summarise all that happened in one month, but I’ll give the skimmed down version here:

 

I’ve been the recipient of death threats, and I’ve experienced evil at an all new level. Being involved in Satanic cults invites a darkness, an evil that only ends in one of three ways, as John 10:10 says, “the thief comes only to steal, kill, destroy.” A couple of the girls were “assigned” to kill me and our other house moms (something that has happened in the past but this was a new level). A couple of the girls proceeded to make a plan to set fire to land and burn us down. Thankfully, their counselors helped unveil these evil plans and we were able to confiscate the stolen and hidden match boxes that they had been storing up.  We involved the police and social welfare of course, as well. But we even had to remove one of the girls who’s been with us for 6 years. It breaks my heart that we had to remove her, but it had to be done for the safety and sanity of everyone else, including herself. But oh, it tortures me. I remember the day I personally picked this young girl up and brought her home. I remember her running to me, with a bag already packed and ready to move into our girls home. All I’ve known of Hosea’s Heart has involved her. I already miss hearing her voice and her laugh. Seeing her smile and feeling her daily hugs. Her hunger to be loved. Her intelligence. Letting her go was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. But since she’s been gone, a dark cloud has lifted. Some of the other girls who struggle similarly with desire for darkness are radically different these days. Newer, lighter. God is here. And God is with my baby girl, too. I have to trust that God is God no matter where we are, who we are with or who we are without. I have to trust that my prayers for her are enough, and that God does His saving work without me. And God gave me a front-row seat to the power of prayer just a few weeks back, almost as if to prepare me for this difficult move and remind me to keep praying.    

 

I had gone away for the weekend and had just gotten in my car to begin the hour and half drive home when the Holy Spirit put a certain girl on my heart. She was also one who’d been involved in Satanic cults, so I began praying out loud for her. I spoke blessings over her and prayed for very specific things. I began speaking as if I was talking directly to her, but still through prayer. At the very minute I began praying for her, something started happening inside her even though we were hours apart in distance. I didn’t know it until later that afternoon, but the same time I began praying out loud, she told her teacher, “I’m burning, I’m burning”, left class, and proceeded to go partially unconscious and non-responsive until she was delivered. Later that night when I returned, I told her I had been praying for her that morning…

 

“I know,” she smiled.

“What do you mean you know?” I was surprised at her response.

“I heard you praying.”

“You what?” I didn’t think I heard her right.

“Mom, I heard you praying. I heard you praying for me. And that’s when…” she hesitated.

“You actually heard my voice?” I interjected.

“Yes. And I heard another voice, too.”

“Who’s voice was that?” I asked.

“Satan’s. And that’s why I started burning. It’s like he was trying to prevent me from receiving the prayer.”

“Did it work?”

“No, ‘cause I decided to listen to your voice instead,” she declared.

 

I asked her to write down exactly what had transpired that morning. She wrote down word for word what she heard my voice praying and also satan’s voice. The things she wrote down were almost exactly the same words I prayed out loud that morning! Not a single ear heard the words I spoke in my car – only me and Jesus. Miraculous!!! Amazing! Marvelous! Awe-inspiring! I got to experience how the Holy Spirit works through prayer in setting others free! Wow! And I got to see the devil’s schemes and works exposed. The devil is clever but he is not creative! (Creativity is an attribute reserved for God alone, our Creator). The things she told me that the devil was saying reminded me literally of the Garden of Eden. “Did Mama Kate really say that? Can you really trust her? How can you trust your staff? You don’t even know the plans they have for you…etc.” He hasn’t changed. His whole tactic is to make us DISTRUST. A Lack of Trust in God leads to disobedience. Period.  

 

Please be encouraged. This has never happened to me before and I don’t know if it will ever happen again, but it is what I needed to know that prayer works. Deliverance, healing, or any kind of help does not depend on our works; prayer works regardless of our physical presence or deeds; just know that PRAYER WORKS.

 

I needed that to be equipped to say goodbye to my other daughter, not knowing if she will be able to come back again or not. Not knowing if she will choose life and choose Jesus someday or not. But praying that she will. And praying it will be sooner than later. Her story is not over yet. I am convinced she still has a part to play in Hosea’s Heart. Maybe someday she will be able to come home, but if not, I know that as long as I pray for her, she will hear God’s voice of truth every day I choose I pray.

And not only her, but all my girls who move on, whether by natural sequence or consequence. It’s so hard for this Mother’s heart of mine to say goodbye and release them to make their own mistakes in pursuit of success as life continues to unfold. To release them means to risk being forgotten or rejected as sometimes they make it clear "I'm not their real mom." Of course this is fact, but it's hard to swallow sometimes. My hurt heart (or pride) is a small price to pay, though, for their future. And I'm willing to invest no matter what because I see them as my own flesh and blood - we have the same Blood of the Lamb anyway.

Maybe that's why it's harder in the moment, and since there's little consistency in my life to begin with (I mean, imagine all the people who have come and gone already over the past 6 years since I’ve moved here...Not to mention losing my own staff member to cancer in July), saying goodbye gets harder rather than easier. Especially because it’s something I have to do year after year. Most moms only have to go through that a few times. But eish… this happens every year, and will continue to do so every year as we raise up these girls through graduation.

 

But there is ONE thing that makes all this easier: prayer. And I am SO thankful God gave me the gift of SEEING in human form what our prayers do in the heavenly realm. Never underestimate prayer. It is Satan's undoing. Oh, and he’s gonna wish he never messed with us. For, we are in the business of souls. And I have the Undefeatable, Secret Weapon: prayer.

 

  

To save a soul from death takes only prayer.

 

Double Dozen

Double Dozen

It’s been 12 years now

Since I met that 12 year old

Who changed the course of my life

Today she turns the double dozen

At my gut groans as my mind turns back

The clock of time

She’s 12 years old and I am naïve

“Break my heart for what breaks Yours, Lord,” I sing

A first-time missionary wanting to help

Not knowing how broken I would have to become

Not knowing what sexual abuse does to the heart of Jesus

Not knowing helping her would take a lifetime

So I leave with nothing but a hopeful dream to return someday

And her teardrops in my pocket

 

But then she’s 13 and I’m told finding her is impossible

That I will never see her again

That there are too many other girls who need help

I should let her go

Instead, I let their voices go,

and I make a promise in my journal:

“I will go to any and every great length to find her!

Lord, if it takes another life to save hers, take mine.”  

 

By a miracle, I find her

And though I only held her for moment then

I know I’ll love her for a lifetime

 

She’s 14 and I come back for her

Against all odds and people telling me she’s not worth

risking my safety, my time, my resources, my love

I return for her

And every time I see her, I see Jesus

But the year passes quickly and my time is up

She’s 15 and I leave her

With a baby girl growing in her belly

I return to the States with a brokenness I have never known before

 

She’s 16 years old and it’s 2012

[Twelve seems to be my special number]

I co-found Hosea’s Heart

And a baby girl named Lucia is born

As we begin to make our dream for a home come true

 

She’s 17 and pregnant again, this time a baby boy

We open our first safe home

And welcome immediately five girls, including her

But her happy ending doesn’t come

Our local partners don’t like her having a child

No matter the cause or reason of abuse

They kick her out and shatter her dreams of ever

Believing in home

 

She’s 18 and I move to Swaziland – indefinitely, finally

It’s about time something permanent happens for her

But my happy ending doesn’t come

[Yet]

As I had left her multiple times in the past few years,

She leaves me, too, running from me and the hope I offer,

Never able to believe it’s real and free and without a cost.

…

 

Today, she’s the Double Dozen and I’m a mother to many

I still see her in her own children – the ones I’m raising

I hear her laugh when her 8 year old giggles

I see her eyes when her 7 year old boy smiles

I hold her when I hold their hands

Sometimes, it’s like they can sense when I miss her

And they snuggle extra close on those days

 

Though we are far,

We are still one.

Even though the world believes I should let her go,

It’s as if my womb believes I carried her for 9 months myself

She is a part of me.

She is in my veins, my thoughts,

My heart and my soul.

I will let her leave over and over again if I have to

Like the Prodigal father let his son leave,

But I will never let her go.

 

I’ll be waiting

For as long as it takes.

After all, I promised God in 2009,

“If it takes another life to save hers, take mine.”

 

And along the way,

While the door is still open for her,

Many more have been able to walk through

Many more whose lives and souls are now saved

Because 12 years ago

I met a 12-year-old

Whose story is not over yet

 

Happy Birthday, my baby girl! May this Double Dozen bring you double the blessings, favor, courage, humility, strength, and hope. Make wakho misses you!

 

 

September 7th, 2009

Oh, Lord, I have never been more consumed with anything than thinking about how to help ------, your precious 13-year-old. I really don’t know why me—why it’s me that loves her so much or why it’s her that I want to help so badly. All I know is it’s only because of you, God, and your love. I didn’t choose to love her, I just do and it’s because you have put your love for her in my heart. Oh how great is your love, O Lord! Though it is painful, it is a blessing to be able to feel how much you love and burn with passion for us and how much you want to deliver us! God, I don’t know what’s ahead but I know you have brought me here for this purpose—to help rescue your daughter, and I will go to any and every great length to find her! Lord, if it takes another life to save hers, take mine.”  

 

When Rooms Become Destinies

When you walk into my house, a splash of color will greet you. The gray, white, and black neutralizing colors are only a background balance to the bright colors that mark my rooms. My favorite is the mint-green that encases my living room, making me smile every time I look at it, followed by the ocean blue in the kitchen that washes away the stress I carry in. My bedroom has an accent wall called Romeo, a mature pinkish mark of my girlish dreams still inside. My War Room is pure white with an accent wall of painted gold – which shimmers behind a lace curtain when the sun fills the room like a balloon. You see, colors are not just colors, a room is not just a room, this house is more than a home – here, colors are choices, rooms are destinies, and home is “the hiding place.” A safe haven, a pasture of restoration where The LORD is My Shepherd.

The girls laugh at my color choices and think I’m crazy to have such a bright, colorful house. But when you live in a place that naturally carries so much darkness, anger, pain, betrayal, confusion, bitterness, hatred, doubt, etc. why wouldn’t you want to splash your world with purposeful colors that scream joy, childhood, freedom, rest, love, peace, and clarity!? As much as they rolled their eyes at my household designs, they’ve already benefitted from the colors that cover them when they enter my home.

I themed my house, “Lord, My Shepherd,” and I’ve seen the choices become destinies. In my living room, where I chose mint-green, “He makes me lie down in green pastures,” I’ve hugged hurting girls, I’ve wiped many tears, I’ve held shaking hands and prayed peace and blessing. The Lord our Shepherd has calmed my heart in this room, giving me time to relax, destress, watch TV, journal, read, giggle and laugh at I Love Lucy episodes that my brother so thoughtfully bought me for Christmas. When my parents were here visiting, I found them both fast asleep, mouths open, feet up, nearly snoring. 

A picture of perfect peace in this pasture. Another day, one of the girls came running in and found me sitting on the couch; she was crying and she collapsed in my arms. I simply held her and let her cry. I didn’t ask what was wrong, I didn’t preach. I let the colors speak life and peace, the Lord our Shepherd, who says, “Come and lie down in peace; I will give you rest.”

A shepherd once said that sheep need 4 freedoms in order to lie down: 1 - free from hunger, 2 - free from fear, 3 - free from friction/tension, and 4 - free from pests. I pray and embrace the freedoms that will continually come in this sweet hiding place. 

The ocean blue in my combined dining room/kitchen is pure joy – I love spending time in my kitchen, and I never have before. The blues are a backdrop for freedom and future, as “He leads me beside still waters and restores my soul.” Nothing like going to the kitchen to grab some dark chocolate to restore the soul on heavy day. ;P My kitchen table has already held a crazy amount of people – we have to pull random pieces of furniture and squeeze in at the table in creative ways to fit us all at different times. Whether it’s the girls visiting, my friends or family, or my staff – that kitchen table has heard and soaked in uncountable secrets, dreams, giggles, confessions, conversations in just 6 months. I can only imagine how many more are to come.

My War Room. The wall of gold. I purposely designed this small “storage” room to be my prayer room. I even labeled it on the architectural drawings as the “War Room.” It is 5 x 6 feet of sacred space. It holds devotionals, bibles, prayers, rosaries, paintings, and a creative space for my own drawings, sticky notes, markings on the walls. I feel whole there. Completely whole. It’s held many of my tears and given me space to be rawly me. I’ve had epiphanies, convictions, and battled for others in that room. In a place and culture where darkness is real and tangible, sometimes manifesting as visible, this room is tangibly perfect. The peace, freedom, and power of Love the seeps out of this room and into the house has also been the cause for freedom. For, where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. Some have been set free in this very house.

“The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want.”

I’ve experienced contentment this year 2020 like never before in the past 32 years. I’m learning how to be still, to avoid burnout and rebuild in me what I had destroyed the past few years by not taking care of myself. And in turning my attention to my personal relationship between me and Jesus, my needs, and asking Him to take care of me, I’ve stopped noticing what I don’t have; I’ve stopped looking at the ways other people are cared for or the things and people they have in their lives that I don’t have in mine. I’ve stopped looking at my failures and weaknesses in the wrong way, and started taking responsibility for the things I already have.

I am not in want. I’ve repaired and grown in ways I never knew possible through a breakup, rejection, betrayal, confusion, heartache, loneliness, etc., and I am so satisfied. It is an incredible feeling! It is not that my desires have gone away. The Romeo colored wall is still my chick-flick teenage desire to marry the man of dreams and have the big white wedding and watch how having a father will change the girls (and Benji) in even better ways I never could myself. But I am not in want. I am satisfied. He has given me everything I need and more. In fact, it was in my prayer time that He answered my question, “What do I need?” I need to make time to take care of what’s already mine. Instead of wishing for a future, I didn’t yet have, I needed to care take of the sheep in my own fold first, as well as taking care of myself.

I had many visitors come the beginning of this year, and I wondered why they all came in a cluster. I had thought to myself, Can’t you guys spread the visits out a little? Because I had visitor after visitor just weeks apart. But now we know why. Because the Lord my Shepherd knew what I needed; He also knew what Covid-19 would do and how it would prevent people from coming and ministering to me, so he crammed them all into the beginning of the year – just in His perfect timing. I mean for real…my parents left just a few days early as flights and borders closed JUST after they departed. Talk about a God of timing!

I am not in want. I want things. I want people. I want to date. (next year) I want PopTarts. ;) But I am not in want. And that is living in full. I chose these colors because I choose this life – I choose joy, I choose contentment, I choose life and hope, even if I can’t see it myself. For, “even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me. Your rod and staff give me courage. Surely, love and goodness will follow me all the days of my life.”

Come and stay with me. And see for yourself how great the Lord our Shepherd truly is and how He manifests His love daily that we may not be in want.  

  

   

12 Year Puzzle - Unfinished, but Never Undone

You can learn a lot about yourself, your thoughts, attitudes, demeanor, even character by doing a puzzle. At least, that’s what I came to experience in trying to put together a 1,500 piece puzzle of a lioness licking the cheek of her happy baby cub. The puzzle was entitled “Mother’s Tenderness,” and I thought it would be a great way to relieve some stress or have some quiet time for a week.

Well, three weeks later, I was feeling nothing but the opposite of a mother’s tenderness. I was annoyed, frustrated, crabby, and mad at myself for even starting this in the first place. It was a love-hate, mostly hate relationship. I wanted to quit every other day, but the only reason I continued is because I hate unfinished things more than I hated the puzzle itself. So I had to finish. My frustration with the puzzle started because I thought it was going to be easier than it was. How in the world do I know which of the 1,500 pieces goes into only one spot in the puzzle? I mean, I would spend nearly an hour and only get 10 pieces in place and leave in an angry huff because it felt like such a waste of time. There were times I wanted to throw the puzzle on the floor and pretend someone else accidentally knocked it over. But even then, I couldn’t bring myself to it.

I was so addicted to finishing that when I closed my eyes to lay down, the colors in the puzzle pieces would wash over my eyelids. I mean, literally, every time I closed my eyes I could still see puzzle pieces. It’s like the puzzle was haunting me, not leaving me alone. That’s why I had to finish it. It was supposed to be a calming, stress relieving, ‘me time’ activity, and I hated it. I would end my hour of doing a puzzle being frustrated and annoyed far more often than happy and uplifted.

The time it took to labor over this puzzle forced me to simply sit with myself. It sounds simple and unmoving, but sitting with yourself – when you’re crabby and ornery and you have no one else to blame but yourself – that’s tough work. It was in these moments of sitting with myself, seeing my sin up close, I realized a few important – even life-altering – things.

#1) I am so highly critical of myself, that it actually shocked me. The way I would get so easily frustrated and speak cruelly to myself, “Come on, Kate, you idiot. Seriously, it shouldn’t be this hard!” Sitting with these thoughts over and over for 3 weeks made me highly sensitive to my critical spirit and how it was manifesting towards others. I even asked my friend group to pray for me because I was miserable – always criticizing someone or something during the day and always needing to “fix” a problem – whether with the girls, Ben and Lu, my nanny, the staff, Board things, etc. There was always something that was “wrong” every day – or that would frustrate me for not doing it “right.” That’s when I realized I had to relearn the definition of being kind. People say it often, be kind to others, be kind to yourself. I was like, yeah, yeah, that’s elementary. I’m kind. Full stop. Woowee was I wrong!

“Resist the bait the darkness offers every day to trade kindness for rightness.”

These words by Bob Goff cut me to the core. I was so focused on being “right” (perfect) that I was becoming cruel instead of kind. Sometimes kindness is being silent. Sometimes kindness is letting things go and not calling attention to what’s “wrong.” Sometimes kindness is simply acknowledging that something is hard and giving more than enough grace to fit the difficulty level. Like my puzzle. I had to get to the point where I realized I miscalculated my ability to do the puzzle; it’s harder than I thought; give myself some time, grace, and space to complete the puzzle without getting frustrated. This discipline improved the way I was treating others and giving them more grace as well as being kind instead of right. It was amazing how much happier I was on the days where I chose to be kind instead of right than on the days I was controlling or criticizing.

#2) I was trying to use the puzzle as an “escape” and time away. But what I’ve come to realize is that I’m not here to do things FOR people but WITH people. I was “needing” so much time alone because I felt exhausted and expended every day, every week (partially due to increased duties during our 3 month lockdown!), but I realized it was mostly my own fault. I was doing things with the mindset of for others instead of with them. When I changed my goals to fit people and my schedule/duties into one, life became a lot easier. Do chores WITH Benji and Lucia. Do workouts/exercise WITH the girls. Eat lunches WITH them during their lunch break. Go to their life skills class WITH them. Cross my duties off my list by involving them in helping get it done. I realized life is so much better WITH people than for people.

#3) I give my all to finish well. As much as I learned a lot of negative things about myself through this puzzle process, I saw a lot of beauty, too. I am a finisher, not a quitter. No matter how hard something gets, no matter how many negative voices tell me it’s a waste of time, or this one doesn’t matter, etc., I never give up.

I have never given up on my very first puzzle piece back in 2008, umntfwana wami. Our puzzle isn’t finished yet. I get frustrated, annoyed, angry, and impatient. I think, it’s been 12 years?! Isn’t it done yet, God?! Why can’t I finish this puzzle! Why don’t we have the happy ending yet? Why is my heart still hurting for her and with her? Why does it seem like she is oceans away when she is close but in hiding? Why has she forsaken me and us as a family? And there are times I want to give up, throw the unfinished puzzle on the floor and say, “Well, God, at least I tried.”

But God never asked me to “try.” He also never asked me to fix anyone else or a situation. He never asked me to be “successful.” He only asks me to be faithful. And faithful is something that is so deep in my bones, I couldn’t say no even if I wanted to. God has my Yes from day one and He will until day 1,500 of this spiritual puzzle. I learned that it’s okay to leave things unfinished – like I had to force myself to walk away from the puzzle when I would get too frustrated and cranky. Though I hated leaving something undone, I learned it was okay, as long as I didn’t give up on the whole picture. As long as I kept the vision and patience. As long as I stayed faithful. 

This puzzle taught me so much more than I ever thought possible. It renewed my love for her when I’ve been feeling pretty numb for a long time. It renewed my kindness and grace. It renewed my mission, my Mother’s Tenderness, and my strengths, as well as sharpened my weaknesses. I will continue to abide in Him and care for his sheep, walking WITH them, not for them – allowing things, people, and myself to be ‘unfinished’ [work in progress] but never undone.  

Let it Hurt

[There’s this movie I once watched about boxing, and the boxer was advised to take a hit. Let the guy hit him. Why would someone open themselves up to that kind of blow, that kind of pain? Because after taking the blow, the opponent is also left exposed and can then be taken out even quicker. Sometimes, for best results, you gotta let it hurt first.]

One of the positives of being forced to miss church is hosting our own services at home. I’ve morphed into “Pastor Frances” for the past 4 Sundays, and I’ve probably grown more than my “congregation.” The girls love that I’m not “me” on Sundays but take on a different persona (my twin). I talk in an accent (for as long as possible) and make them laugh. They like playing it up, too, and say, “Hey Pastor Frances, if you’re not Mama Kate, how come you’re wearing her clothes?” So I have to tell them that twins obviously always have the same clothes, and that Mama Kate is resting.  

Despite how mentally draining it can be to plan, preach and lead service (huge shout out to all the priests and pastors who did this daily and weekly – wow, I never knew how exhausting it can be though so beautiful and powerful!), it has been some of my favorite moments of the year. I come alive. And I’ve already seen dry bones rise! I lock eyes with the girls and see sparks for the first time, or reignited fires as the Word of God comes to life. I see honesty, vulnerability, and most of all hunger in their thirsty hearts. They have been embracing the Word of God in amazing ways, and there’s no way I can remain unchanged by this. Their fire is my fire, just as much as mine is theirs. Of course, I’m not a great preacher, as I’m naturally a better teacher. So my “sermons” are filled with questions to my audience/congregation, of which I embrace the awkward silences until there is proper participation. J I use the whiteboard, I use symbols, figurative and literary meanings of the readings, and I always, always ask for the theme that links all the readings together. Or like, today, I simply present the theme upfront and ask them to connect the dots between the readings (we use the Mass readings where there is an Old Testament reading, a Psalm, a New Testament Scripture, and finally one of the Gospels. It’s amazing how the entire Scripture is linked together as One, and it’s been so fun having the girls find the connections themselves).

Today’s theme was: “Be fruitful and multiply” (but in a figurative sense). We read Gen 1:28-31, Psalm 67, Galatians 6:7-9, Mark 4:1-20, and Matt 28:16-20, talking mostly about the Parable of the Sower. We discussed the four levels of ground: the path, the rocky ground, the thorns, and the rich soil. We discussed what keeps us in those levels or what prevents us from moving on; we talked about the why, about what it means to bear fruit, and what is our mission/vision in life. How can we fully be the women God is calling us to be? One response really stuck out to me. One girl offered her analysis that she is finally on the rich soil, and she said,

“I’ve overcome all those stages recently (path, rocks, thorns). Last year I had so many problems. But I just allowed myself to hurt through it, and my rich soil is now a product of those problems and even pain. Today I’m on higher ground.”

Can you believe a 15-year-old said this? And she is right to say last year was a huge struggle for her behavior-wise. She dropped and declined rapidly, but like she said, instead of running from the pain or hiding her mistakes, she faced them and admitted her failures. And because of that, she is like a new person this year. A quiet yet powerful leader among the girls, one who has recently embraced the name “shepherd,” saying she knows God has sheep for her somewhere just like she is my sheep. I was stunned. So much power, so much hope, so much future is growing right here before my eyes. And the sheep becomes the shepherd and reminds me why I’m here and how I’m constantly a growth in progress myself.

You see, I needed her words today, her reminder about “letting it hurt” and “being the product of the pain” after getting through the problems. All too often, especially last year, I would get so easily angered; it was my defense system because I was weak from burnout. My healthy defenses were down and worn, so I resulted to unhealthy ones like anger and pride. I didn’t want to get hurt anymore, so instead I would get angry, frustrated to keep myself from feeling the pain. But this year, I’ve been asking God to help me do what this 15-year-old has done, and face the pain, letting it hurt. And oh, can it hurt.

I’ve recently been hurt by someone who claimed to want to serve me and the ministry no matter the cost, but things changed quickly and when he was confronted, he resulted in backlash. He said the worst things I’ve heard from anyone in all my life. He didn’t just turn on me, he also turned on the ministry (which he was serving) and the girls themselves, accusing me of failing them and failing the ministry as a whole. Who are you to teach about singleness? He sneered. Look at your own girls who have babies or boyfriends, etc. They’ve failed, and so have you. To be honest, it’s not the first time I’ve been seen as a failure in my own ministry, or among those who were called to support me or the mission. Sometimes, Satan can be so sneaky that he turns the very people who are supposed to be your supports to be the ones who betray, doubt, deny, and walk away. Just ask Jesus about Judas. And Peter. And Thomas. That hurts. That hurts like you can’t believe. Betrayal can hurt so deeply. And it can make us bitter. And bitter is exactly where the enemy wants us. Bitter is where the thorns grow until they choke off our ability to bear fruit. Last year I was bitter. Bitter about betrayal, bitter at God, that why does doing the right thing usually result in more pain? I learned, as Lecrae says, to “switch those letters” from bitter to better. But that can only happen if I just simply let it hurt.

So I’ve recently been praying, “God, help me let it hurt so that I don’t get angry. I’m tired of being my own defender. I have one enemy/one accuser (Satan). I have One Defender (Jesus), and He is Enough. Let His Love be enough.”

This experience has come at a perfect time, because the girls have been going through a stage of wanting revenge, as well as this attitude of “I don’t care.” It’s also their defense. It’s better to not care so that it doesn’t hurt. They say. But if we don’t hurt, we don’t get to experience love and healing and wholeness! And if we don’t care, we will miss the mission God has for us! So, to help them walk towards freedom, I needed to walk through a lot of heartbreak and disappointment over the last couple years and show them, like the 15-year-old, that I am a better woman today because of it; that I allowed myself to hurt through it (instead of retaliate nor revenge) and my rich soil is now a product of those problems and even pain.  That I am rich soil. Rich in mercy, tenderness, grace, joy, and hope! And on that ground, it's easy to see that the betrayals now or in the past weren't intended, there was no evil plan to hurt me, the words as weapons were sent in moments of weakness and hurt, and that people are genuinely good. And just like that, I can let it go...because I first let it hurt. 

So let us remember to embrace the pain. But don’t hold it. Let it be the compost that makes your soil even richer. We are all still growing. And one day, we can all be testimonies of the trials we’ve overcome and in doing so bring more and more into heaven with us. That we would be successful in the command to “be fruitful and multiply!”  

  

Love and Basketball

Love  

I’m falling in love again. And it’s deep and real and rooted.

It’s bringing back layers of color – a thousand varieties of the green that expanses the landscape from mountain trees to bushy hills to each different blade of grass;

a hundred rays of light escaping out of one holey heavenly cloud;

newly discovered hues of blues that touch from East to West and horizon to heaven;

and uncountable winking stars from the brush-stroked Milky Way at night.

Falling in love like this is like a new breath of life, a pain killer. It gives me the ability to hurt, to let my heart get hurt but with the promise that nothing can break it. The kind of love that enables me to face the countless disappointments on a daily basis and get over it by the next morning. The kind of love that isn’t a bandaid or a replacement, but the kind that digs below the wound, squeezes the pus out (sorry for the visual), and isn’t afraid to hurt. For the purpose of true healing.

If you’re still wondering, this falling in love I’m talking about is with a real person. I’m not talking about basketball, I’m not talking about Jesus. J

I’ve fallen in love with me.

And by me, I don’t mean the worldly kind of “love yourself.” I mean the deep, ugly, squeeze the yuck out of your deepest wounds and in humility learn to like who you are. As I’ve recently learned to love myself again, it has brought color, life, fearlessness, newness, freedom, and a life-is-too-short-to-stay-disappointed attitude, and an eternal perspective. A friend recently shared a resource from Harmony Grillo called The Guide to Emotionally Healthy Leadership, and in it was one statement that truly convicted me: “Remember to take care of the one person you are solely responsible for: you!” Too often, I would complain to God that He’s asking too much of me or I would whimper, When is it my turn, Lord? Who is there to take care of me?  I didn’t realize the answer was here all along: me!

“Do you like the person you are becoming?” the resource guide asked. Another question to clarify that self-care is not the worldly type but the kind with personal conviction. If I didn’t like myself, how did I expect to find joy in all the things I was doing let alone being?

Another assistance to this falling in love again was actually my own story Never Been Kissed. (You can purchase your own copy here, as all proceeds go to Hosea's Heart: https://hoseasheart.org/support-type/books/)
I’ve been reading through it with the girls in home school literature classes. Rereading my own story with chapter discussion questions has reminded me of so many truths I have recently ignored. Even as simple as “rather than spending my time finding the one, work on becoming the one!”

So, I’m doing just that – dedicating 2020 to a year of committed singleness, where I take care of the one person I am truly responsible for and let God handle the rest! I trust God entirely with my future, and I know My Father is going to bless this year as He is preparing His Daughter Bride for the one He chooses to give me away to. He is a God who makes all things new.

Basketball 

Who knew basketball could be so healing, so unifying? The sport is so much about self-discovery as well as selflessness. I get the first-hand experience to see how this sport has transformed an entire ministry, from the youngest to the oldest and everyone in-between! I mean everyone including myself. [Thank you PlayBold team for the court! A gift that goes beyond the time and finances you dedicated to build for us!] I’ve watched the girls transform, not just in their athletic abilities, but in their communication skills, in their work ethic, in their attitudes, and in their unity. Where there once used to be fights and arguments, tears and storming off the court, slamming doors, or curse words exchanged between girls, there is nothing of the like. Instead there are high fives, encouragements, silent lips when frustrated, and letting the younger ones score or the new ones have enough playing time.

One of my highlights of the entire year is the basketball game we had on our family outdoor court today. It involved every single one of us! From our youngest (6 years old) to our oldest (including the house moms!!), we all played in 4 teams of 5, and it was remarkable. The cheering, the competition along with the laughter was extraordinary. I cannot put into words what this felt like. It is something I have never experienced before. The comradery of 22 people coming from different backgrounds and bloodlines forming ONE FAMILY. Having a family of 22 playing a competitive sport and no one getting angry, too competitive or too lazy? Unheard of! The way some of the girls who normally aren’t as talented (or are just plain lazy) played and scored and ran – wow. If these girls had the same opportunities my students back in America had, they would be on scholarships, free rides or partially sponsored to colleges or beyond. The talent here is incredible. But more than that, it’s their hearts.

I can only melt at the honor that despite all my weaknesses and insecurities, He still chose me to come and cultivate their hearts, to prepare a place for many of His daughters who will in their own unique ways change the world. As Wonder Woman herself says, “I used to want to save the world. But then I glimpsed the darkness that lives in their light. Now I know that only love can truly save the world. So I stay, I fight, and I give. This is my mission… forever.”

I’ve indeed fallen in love again, because He first loved me.

-1 John 4:19

Finding A New Normal

This week, for the first time in the past six years, I’m doubting my ability to live here long term. There’s no way. This will never work. I’ve been saying. 

In the last six years, I’ve walked through nightmares with the girls, battled in court, battled face to face with demons, and have felt like I’ve seen it all. But nothing is killing me like this heat!

I know it sounds silly, and I’m half being humorous, but seriously… I’ve never faced an enemy like heat before! Now I understand the horror of “burning in hell.” I can hardly last in this ‘heavenly heat’ on earth.

Moving from the city to our land has been a huge adjustment – a transition I didn’t know would be this difficult. Not just the heat, but the inconsistent electricity, the refusal to cook anything because I can’t bear to light the oven let alone one burner. I’ve even fallen out of rhythm of my spiritual disciplines, like journaling every night. I used to journal every night before bed – Jesus gets my last words, letting Him know He’s still my One and Only. But doing that here means bugs come in like crazy (to the light), and by bugs I mean the worst kinds. Even at dinner, when we are trying to eat, moths, bugs, beetles are flying in through the windows sometimes pelting my own food! YUCK! There is no happy alternative. Shutting the windows is impossible because doing so would mean living in a sauna. My house is already the hottest one on the land, so I cannot bear shutting the window. Imagine humid heat when the sun has already gone down, just soaking up the living room like a giant elephant. Even the fans aren’t enough.

Getting time alone as well is just as difficult. The girls do a great job respecting my house/space/boundaries, but I still have Ben and Lu of course and a full time nanny with a 4 month old baby. Sometimes I just want to nap without noise or sit in front of the fan without being interrupted. Sometimes I just desperately need my alone time. And at the land – this is practically impossible. (Which is why I’m currently at a lodge writing this now.)

When I was Stateside, I had these great plans for defending my time, balancing my life and work, charting my hours and making sure I have a day off during the week. But it is so hard to maintain here, and I get so frustrated when I can’t simply keep a schedule. I would love to be able to spend more time with the girls  - sitting and doing puzzles, playing games, shooting hoops, going on walks, but there are just so many people to love including myself.

The physical stress and struggle wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have the emotional magnitudes to deal with in a ministry like this. Cases where current girls are in danger and we wonder if we are, too. Cases that we know will still take years to get to court. The emotional burdens of damaged trust that the girls continue to carry. The dark and evil situations/people that haunt the girls even well after they’ve been put in safety. The emotional stress is enough on its own, so mixed with the physical, you can see why I’m wilting.  

I still teach at the college, but I am done in just two weeks, so I’m looking forward to this extra time to hopefully give me balance again in my schedule. Morning quiet times. Studying siSwati. Playing guitar. Writing. Drawing. Painting. Lunches with the girls and afternoon activities; leading devotions and worship. Then evenings at home with Ben and Lu. Watching “I Love Lucy” episodes (that my brother Garret so thoughtfully bought me for Christmas)! A good 30 minute giggle to end the evening. And a routine of reflection and journaling in my War Room. Oh a glorious life is still coming! <3 o:p="">

So I’m finding a new normal. Realizing bugs are just gonna be a part of my normal visitors for dinners. That I can let my tears come simply because I’m just too hot, and that’s normal. That I will have to find other creative ways to fight the heat. (I’m planting some trees along the side of my house where the sun rises, because I get piercing rays of heat into my windows in the morning, and even the wall stays hot to the touch until evening.) And that I just may have to keep going away on weekends to get alone time until I can manage a better schedule for myself onsite. Better to sacrifice time away and keep myself whole then to keep wilting to needs that will always be there daily.

As I look ahead, I have to laugh at my initial There’s no way I live here long term! complaints. There’s too much to live for! I’ve also recently connected with a South African events manager who loves our mission and is dedicated to helping us in any way he can. He’s bringing some professional musicians to us to help train the girls, and we are forming an official Hosea’s Heart choir! The larger dream is to include drama, poetry, dancing, and inspirational speaking as a whole production that we can end up traveling to different countries, spreading the Gospel of Hope through even the darkest of stories and situations.

It’s looking ahead that will always help us manage our current and past struggles. It’s in looking ahead where I realize I will never have “normal” here on earth – only new normals at every different season. And that is exciting!

So where are you looking?

“Where there is no vision, people perish.” –Proverbs 29:18

Please consider blessing me by praying for:

-       Our new choir and for professional training for the girls in voice, dance, drama, etc.

-       Provisions for air conditioners and a car :P

-       Provisions for Hosea’s Heart to build a school

-       For my physical health and seeing an allergist about my incessant sneezing and runny nose

-       For my future husband and that I worry more about preparing myself for him rather than him fixing himself for me

-       For all those who are volunteering for/with Hosea’s Heart and donating their time and talent, specifically: Hannah, Amelia, Garret, Tony, Kiley, McKenzie, Harold, Bonolo, and Kuruka.

-       For my new normal to be exciting and endurable as I find a balance between Ben and Lu, the girls, our new expansive staff, the grads who still need Mom, my nanny, outreach for others, umntfwana wami, my friends back home, my friends here, and ME time, too <3 o:p="">

 

You'll hear plenty more about Harold!

With the blessing of a bus, comes the price of paying a bus driver!
However, Bonolo is doing it for Hosea's Heart for free and also participating
in some of the activities, like this prayer walk in town. 

2015.... and then... (Below)

2020!!!!! Garret and Tony's legacy continues!

My bathroom visitor (crying faces)

Kiley's visit is always cray cray ;) <3 td="">