When Papa Smiles - Finding Heaven in my Journal

4 August 2019

Dear Beloved:

What you are doing now – though you do not yet understand – is adding riches to your storehouse I have prepared for you. The storms you are in – the burnout, the heartbreak, the self-hatred, the battle of loss of relationship, grieving your dream of marriage, rejection of those you hold most dear, etc. – are simply opportunities to access the gifts deep within your innermost being. They are not failures nor weaknesses, but muscles that need exercising. What you are doing now for Me is not to gain something for you. Don’t obey just for the hope of getting what you want; rather, submit for the promise of heavenly treasures yet to come!

            I’m not asking you to submit to someone else or let yourself feel unworthy, hopeless, or used. I know you are angry. You told me at church this morning. Thank you for your honesty. But I didn’t lie to you. I have never led you astray. Nothing has changed – only improved! See what I am doing for you – a new thing!

            Your submission, your silence, your fasting, your prayers, your obedience, and your tears – they are not nor will they ever be wasted. Instead…

            Armies are gathered,

            Battles are won,

            Lies are destroyed,

            Demons defeated,

            Angels rejoice,

            Victory abounds,

            and Your Papa smiles upon you, Kate

                                                                        every time you surrender.

So, take it one day at a time.

You are enough. You have enough. I Am enough.

Love,

Papa

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8 August 2019

Wonderful Counselor, do you see what mess this is? Why am I so confused?

Sweet Seeker,

            It’s not as messy as you think. Seek to understand before you seek to be understood. Forgive before you are forgiven. Surrender is what pleases God, but not your anger. Let go of your anger. Abandon your wrath, and then you will see.

            God has already established his will. And He even reminded you He hasn’t changed. He did His part; now it’s yours. You do have choices. You always have a choice. What will you choose to believe? Because your actions flow from your beliefs.

            I know you’re angry; I know he has given up – but it is moreso on himself than on you. I know you feel rejected and unworthy. But you can choose to believe you are or you can choose to let those feelings and thoughts go. You can choose to believe the negative or focus on the positive. You can choose to be wild or you can choose to be wise. I know your wild side is rising as your anger is aroused. Revenge or wishing another to suffer makes you an accuser. No one needs another accuser, and neither do you. Let Wisdom lead. Choose wisely. Choose soon.

Love,

Wonderful Counselor

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29 Sept 2019

            You are righteous,

            so I don’t need to be “right.”

            You are peace,

            so I can breathe deeply.

            You are Hope,

            so I can smile even when it hurts.

            You are Abba – My Father

                        Eloah – My Living Water

                        Jehovah-Raah – My Shepherd

                        Hosea – My Redeemer

            You are Who and What I need in every season.

            Jesus, in my dry season be my rain, Eloah.

            Even in your silence, be my Hope.

            Make me your Delight, your Darling, your Lamb

            For, I will not let go until you bless me.

Love,

All of me

Sweat the Small Stuff

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            “Mama, are you okay? Have you been crying?”

            Indeed, my eyes held a pool of tears. A drop of sweat simultaneously fell down the side of my face along my jawbone.

            “No, no,” I rubbed my swelled up, puffy eye and the pooled tears streamed down my cheek. “Well, maybe this is my body’s way of crying about this heat though!” I wiped my eyebrow which had started glistening with sweat as well.

            “Aw, shem. Sorry Mom. Yeah, I can see your eyes are swollen again. And wow you really do sweat a lot!”

            “And it’s only 7:30 in the morning!”

I remember in high school when I played basketball, my face would get red and I’d sweat a lot. In fact, it was so much that my friends started calling it the “drip drips.” I would be lined up for a free throw and drops of sweat would drip from the hair tucked behind my ears to the floor. I used to think that was the most I could ever sweat. I was wrong.

My first week back to Swazi I experienced a shock I’ve never had before: heat without electricity. I had moved from the city to my new house on the girls home property just 3 days before I was Stateside for my 3 month furlough. So, I hardly “lived” in it until I came back.

But it is now in the heart of summer. And, coming from the Wisconsin winter, I was far from prepared to endure heat without air conditioning, let alone a FAN! Not having electricity also means no cold water. I mean, can you imagine sweating in the heat and not even being able to drink a glass of cold water? The water coming out of our faucets are either hot, warm, or at best gently cool in the evening, but certainly far from cold. No electricity means no way to keep food cold either. It means no fans – not in the day and not at night when I’m trying to sleep but can’t because it’s still 90 degrees at midnight. I woke up one morning at 3 a.m. with a pool of liquid on my pillow – not drool, but sweat. Yuck!

Luckily, though, I didn’t have to go without electricity for too long as I’ve been able to run a generator for half days and nights. But even with a fan, this heat has been unbearable. My eyes are still swelling and I have skin rashes. The bugs are something else, too. Not mosquitos in this particular area (maybe it’s even too hot for them!), but many other biting bugs I wish I could go without. I have to wait to shower until evening time when the water coming out of the pipes is cool (no hot water for showers or baths, but that’s okay for now because it’s way too hot for that!) so that when I get out of the shower, I can stop sweating. That’s 9 p.m. Basically I sweat from 7 a.m. when I rise to 9 p.m. before I go to sleep in front of a fan.

Yet, even with my skin rashes, my swollen eyes, the bug bites, and the constant sweat, I am so happy. So so happy. After the first week of intense 100 degree heat, I nearly cried like a toddler throwing a fit because I just couldn’t handle it. But then I said a prayer, asked others to pray for me, and decided to change my attitude. There’s no way I can change the heat, so might as well change my attitude! So instead, I decided to play basketball with the girls in the 94 degree heat at 5 p.m. If I’m gonna sweat, might as well do it for a reason! I spend time in my air conditioned car – the best few minutes of relief! And I have the generator so I can have cold water and even ice! But my joy is not really about that. There is something deeper, better, stronger that is anchoring me. I am full. My cup is full and overflowing! I am ME!

My 3 month furlough started out rough, but the second half was a dream come true. I remember waking up one morning, opening my eyes and being filled with a sense of satisfaction I haven’t felt in a long, long time. I smiled, put my toes on my carpeted bedroom floor and said, “Kate’s back!”

It’s a feeling I cannot describe, but one I never want to lose again. Genuine joy. Gratefulness for the small things. A sense of loving myself again. I remember last year thinking and even telling others that I already feel bad for my future husband – poor guy, he’d have his hands full marrying a girl like me in a ministry like this! But now? Whoever he is, he is a lucky fella if he happens to win my heart and to be counted in among the strong hearts of this Hosea family.

When I left the States, I was full and fully me again. I had spent time and time and time again with family and friends who filled me. I got to live with my parents for 3 months, which at first was a bit of a challenge and adjustment, but was undoubtedly my greatest blessing. My mom and dad are my pillars, and they spoiled me with love, encouragement, and blessing. Telling me over and over how great it was to have me home and how hard it is to watch me leave again. I also have the most remarkable friends. You know it’s true what they say about choosing your friends wisely. I somehow happened to have the best women in the world to circle and support me. When I came home from some visits with friends in different cities, my mom could even see a visible difference. “You are so blessed to have friends like that,” she’d tell me. “I can see how much they fill you.”

And now that I’m back in Eswatini, back in my very first home, I am still full. 2020 is going to be the best year yet. I know this because of how it started (and how 2019 ended). I arrived in Eswatini on New Year’s Eve, and I surprised the girls with a sleepover at our local church. The screams and the way the ran to greet me was enough love to last a lifetime. Enough affirmation to know this is exactly where I’m supposed to be. Their hugs were home. And we continued the night with worship that was unlike any other. We ended 2019 with unity, praise, and love, and we proclaimed goodness yet to come.

And in the first two weeks of 2020, amazing things already happened. Two more girls graduated, four girls are now currently in college, and we will get two more new girls next week! I’ve been able to reconnect with umntfwana wami and already hosted my friends for our monthly game nights in my new house (and luckily, it was the coldest day we’ve had thus far)! Lastly, I have the most amazing nanny who did an incredible job in my absence and continues to help around the house and with the kids while I adjust to the heat and bugs.

2020 – My Cup Overflows