Saturday evening, the night before my 37th
birthday, on the ride back home from my sister’s lakehouse to my parents’, I
swiped through pictures on my phone I had taken earlier that day. I stopped on
one that caught my breath: Lucia, Benji, and Silas (my sister’s lastborn) were
holding hands about to jump off the raft into the lake. I stared, my thoughts
stopping time. I dreamt of this moment.
I used to pray that God would give me a pause button just
once, so I could stop life around me in order to catch up or just breathe. In
that moment, I swear He pressed pause for me. Life flashed back to both
Christmases and summers where I’d be home for a visit, spending time with my
family, especially my niece and nephews. As wonderful as it was spending time
with them, there was always a piece missing; I couldn’t stop thinking, “Ah,
Lucia and Benji would love this!” or “I wish the girls could see this!" or "If only Ben and Lu could meet their cousins;
they’d have so much fun!” Ever since 2014 when I made the fulltime move, my
heart was ever in two places – never quite whole.
On Sunday morning, at 8:39 a.m., minutes after Mass
began, I became 37 years old. During the opening prayers and Gloria, all I
could think was – awe. Standing beside me in the very smalltown Catholic church
pew I grew up in were two of my Swazi daughters, Ayanda and Chloe. I remember the
day I met Ayanda like it was yesterday; she was 13 years old. One of my favorite
early memories of Ayanda was when she once asked me (after I stopped at stared
at the stars for the hundredth night in a row), “Mama Kate, do you not have any
stars in America?” I laughed and told her of course we do but I had never seen
them so beautiful as the ones in Swazi. I also remember her first time in a hotel
room. She screamed like she had won the lottery, ran around the room, cuddling the
pillows, jumping on the bed, and jumping in and out of the empty bathtub saying
it was so great she could sleep in it! And to think, she was standing right
beside me in my home church, two years after returning from America for her 4-year
social work degree. She opened the way for Chloe, who was now just beginning
her college journey at MATC. Looking over at Chloe standing in the pew with me,
I smiled recalling the first moment I met her.
It was 2014, just three months after I had moved fulltime
to Swazi and became an immediate mom to many. I slept in a bunkbed but would
get woken up at night from loud cockroaches on the floor, mice in our storage
room, or knocks on my door from some of the girls who had nightmares and couldn’t
sleep. But three months in, Chloe was my first personal placement. I remember
picking her up and seeing how shy she was. She was so little, just 10 years
old, and she pretended she didn’t know English. Until I said something that
made her laugh, and she outed herself. After that, she spoke some of the best English
of any others and has ever since impressed me with her language skills (she
tested OUT of the college English placement test! That’s beating some Americans
y’all!). Can it really be? That same 10-year-old is now standing in the very
church I grew up in? She slayed her fears and took the giant leap of faith to
follow her dreams, and now she’s here.
Dreams. I couldn’t stop smiling. I wonder if the priest
thought something strange was going on by the giant smile beaming from my heart
to the crucifix above while he talked. Awe. I was just in awe as more
recollections of the past month flooded me. My girls in America? Did that
really just happen? Our tour, Scars: Up from Ashes, did that really just
happen? My other brother and sister who had never met the girls before but now
know many of them by name – did that really just happen? Lucia and Benji hand
in hand with Silas their cousin? I mean… I cannot wrap my head around it, but
my heart is swollen with it. Awe.
I am just in awe of the way God has given me the desires
of my heart. I am Cinderella, and this is my story. It’s not the traditional
one, but it’s a royal one nonetheless. It’s a story of a Prince unlike any
other giving me a world I only dreamt of and never thought could be mine. Two
halves of my heart became one in a story so magical, only the King Himself
could make it happen.
So, although Lucia’s birthday note said, “I’m sorry that
you’re turning 37 years old but to me you’re 30 and I love you so much!...” I
couldn’t be happier turning 37. I’ve lived the heck out of my 37 years, and I
have no regrets. (Mistakes, yes – regrets? No.) If God took me Home now, I’d be
fully satisfied. I haven’t missed out on anything the world has to offer
because my God – He is out of this world. My Father has blessed me with the desires
of my heart: making it whole.
Lord, may my 37th year of life be a living
testimony, an aura of glory, pleasing to You and perfected in Your presence. I
know I complain of loneliness now and then, and I still pray for an earthly husband,
but honestly, with all my heart, You are enough. My Prince, You have already
given me my Cinder37lla story, so I can’t even imagine the best that’s yet to
come. <3
