From Battles to Blessings

                This life is a battlefield.  Battles are won not by our own hands but when we’re on our knees lifting hands in prayer.  I am so thankful for my prayer warriors back home because I would be a wreck already otherwise.  I even have children at an orphanage in Peru praying for me!  My friend Jess and Fr. Joe (who run it) know the type of warfare that comes with a mission such as this, so their own kids pray for us here!  While there are plenty of battles, a man reminded me just the other day though not to forget about the blessings.  “Get ready for the blessings!” he exclaimed to me after I relayed how I had resigned from a job I love back home to move here.  He excitedly embraced me, saying blessings will follow obedience to the will of the Lord.  The past week and a half has definitely been from battles to blessings!

To explain the battles would take too long because if you’re not here, it’ll be too hard to understand the daily conflict many of these girls face, the inner turmoil, and quiet suffering they rarely talk about.  Like one girl who said, “Sometimes it’s better to be alone because no one can hurt you.”  And another who wrote, “My heart is swimming in a bloody dam.”  Or one girl who had silent tears stream down her face and was hesitant to let me console her.  Another who says this home is her safety because there is no man here who can hurt her.  It’s no wonder I’ve walked into a battlefield. It’s no wonder I’m so exhausted already.  But like the American man told me, this also comes with blessings.  It is a blessing that I can help carry these girls’ burdens and teach them how to lay them at the feet of Christ.  While I’ve been frustrated quite a lot this past week, I can hardly remember why because the blessings indeed outshine the darkness.  So, I’ll let you in on sharing in these moments of light. 

                I started a weekly outgoing called Dates with Mama Kate.  This is my opportunity to get to know the girls better and treat them to lunch or dinner in the process.  So far, I’ve had 3 of 13 of these dates.  For Melissa’s date, we went to Nandos.  Although her age puts her right in the middle of the lineup of our girls, her quiet demeanor and wisdom makes her seem like one of the oldest.  I asked her what she would do if she could have three wishes come true.  She wished for 1) Her sick sister to be well, 2) Her sister to get a job, and 3) Her brother to finish school and her other brothers to change their minds (about drinking and girls).  Wow, what an amazing young woman; she didn’t use even one wish on herself.  #blessed

                Lately I’ve also had great one on one time with Ayanda and Sibussa.  One night we got into some really good conversations that kept us up till midnight, even on a school night (oops)!  We talked about boys, of course, and they relayed to me their checklist for their future husbands.  They of course told me they didn’t have boyfriends though and wanted to wait until they were done with school before worrying about boys.  It wasn’t until a few days later, I learned a completely different story.  Ayanda was the first to spill the beans, “Okay, I’ll tell you the truth now.”  She explained her own boyfriend situation as well as several other girls in the home. 

“What?”  I was shocked.  “But you all just said the other day you would focus on school first.” I was a little hurt that even Ayanda hadn’t told me the truth.

“Yeah, they won’t tell you.  We don’t tell any adults.  They’ll be too scared to tell you.”

As we conversed, I told Ayanda I planned on having girl talk with all the older girls that night.  She still claimed no one would be honest or talk about having boyfriends.  I told her I’d find a way to get it out of them. 

So later that night, I brought all the older girls into one of the bedrooms.  They were all confused at first and wondering why I wanted to talk to them, thinking they were all in trouble.  I started by saying, “Okay, we’re in here to talk about boys!”  I smiled and they shifted nervously.  “So, raise your hand if you have a boyfriend.”

Silence, no eye contact with me but glances at each other. 

Then one girl slowly raised her hand…then another followed…then another…and one more. 

“Oh,” I said surprised they had admitted it.  I had rehearsed a completely different speech, thinking they weren’t going to admit it.  “Okay,” I started, “Well, let me just share some advice with you.  Now, I’ve shared this advice with my American girls back home and rarely do they listen…until it’s too late and then they say, ‘Oh, I should have listened to Mama Kate!’  So I’m going to give you all some advice and I hope you DON’T do what they did and ignore what I’m going to tell you.”  I paused.  Only one girl, Nonhlanhla made eye contact and eagerly awaited everything I was about to say.  I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I shared my own story, struggle with singleness, search for love, etc. and told them, “I’m not going to tell you that you can’t have boyfriends, because some of you will anyway, but I will tell you that it is much wiser to be single right now.”  I explained the importance of waiting for the right one and how, as Paul says in Scripture, when we are single we can give ourselves fully to the Lord and not be distracted by a relationship.  They were so quiet the whole time and I was a little disappointed by their lack of responses, because I wanted to hear more from them.  But I left them with the invitation to talk openly about their relationships with me so I could help them if they needed it.

The following day I told Rachel and Kiley that I had a talk with all the older girls. 

“We heard!” Kiley replied.

“Oh?” I questioned.  “From who?”

“Tibonile said she broke up with her boyfriend today.  She told him, ‘My mom doesn’t want me to have a boyfriend.  So I’m just going to be in a relationship with Jesus right now.’” 

I was so surprised.  It reminded me of the other night at the hospital with Tibonile when a man asked to marry me and I said, “No, I’m already taken.”  When he asked who the man was I smiled, “Jesus.”  Tibonile thought that was the funniest thing ever, and now here she was saying the same thing to break up with her boyfriend.  #blessed       

               

                I try to go into each room at night to pray for the girls and say goodnight.  For the younger girls room, the first time I came in, they lit up.  I kissed them each goodnight, and their smiles and excitement melted my heart, and reminded me how starved they are of motherly affection. #blessed

                Sometimes at night when the girls are cleaning, we break into random song and dance.  I love that they love that I love to dance.  Siphesihle is an awesome hip hop dancer and can do a legit robot.  I sometimes do my little stomp routine and Nonhlanhla tries to imitate it, and it’s hilarious.  It’s so fun to spend time being crazy with them. #blessed

                Thanks to my years counseling at Lutherdale Bible Camp, I have some fun movement songs I teach the girls.  Their favorite is a song that has different actions they do with one another, like shake another hand, high another five, pat another back, etc.  Their favorite is bump another rump and they go crazy throwing their hips at each other.  Even Titi gets in on that one!  Rachel wrote me a note the other day and encouraged me to keep leading worship because she sees how the whole room is transformed and spirits are lifted.  #blessed

                I finally finished my book and Ayanda has been eagerly reading it.  She said she loves it because it makes her want to laugh and cry all at the same time.  She said it keeps her wondering what’s going to happen next even though she’s already lived through what I’ve written about! Haha.  Also, for her birthday, all Ayanda wanted to do was to learn to play basketball like me.  So we bought her a basketball and shot around on an outside court.  It was more like a birthday present for me!  #blessed

                We had a pastor come over to our house the other day to pray over all the girls because there was a bit of unrest.  He rocked the house.  He was phenomenal.  By the end of it, he had all the girls up and yelling and laughing and calling on the Lord together as one.  It was incredible.  #blessed

Tenele’s prayer last night shook the heavens I’m sure.  She prayed for so many people and such powerful and sincere pleas.  She praised God for my pure heart and prayed that God would touch her real mother’s heart so that it can also be pure with love for Tenele and for her children.  She thanked God for my family and prayed for her friends and girls in the home. She told God she’s sorry for her sins and wants to have a better heart for him.  She prayed for her kids, for her “unanswered question that I ask you each time,” about why she has to have kids.  Yet, she prayed for them that they would have a better life than she did and their father did. If only all of us prayed like she just did, all darkness would be pierced with light.  She is already teaching me much!  I just feel so blessed to have been a witness and a part of that prayer.  #blessed

While there are numerous blessings in the home, it’s also nice to have outside support.  I received my first letter in the mail from Rachael Schaefer and it was AMAZING, perfect, and at the exact time I needed it.  Her words have always been so full of wisdom, and once again, I felt like God had written this letter to me through her.  In her letter, I felt God confirming my move to Swazi and letting go of my American life, possibly forever.  

Ally sent me a WhatsApp message and prayed this for me: “God will embrace you with comfort and grant you mighty strength…mentally, physically, and spiritually.  May you overflow with hope, faith, patience, forgiveness, kindness, empathy, wisdom, understanding, and love.”  Already the prayer is being answered in so many ways, especially strength, patience, and forgiveness.  #blessed

                Having Rachel and Kiley here with me has been incredible.  We are doing our own book study, and one particular day that we were all having American cravings, we just curled up in bed with our books, journals, chocolate, and a spoonful of peanut butter. #blessed

                Just the other day, Musa brought over a team from the States that has been doing ministry in Swazi.  I had prayed in my journal the day before that God would bring with them an outpouring and would bless the work of their hands.  God did more than answer that prayer!  He poured out favor and blessings upon each girl in our home as the team brought them care packages, dresses, cookies, and Bibles of their own.  They were so excited to have a SiSwati Bible with their own name on it!  The team did a bible study with them and worshiped with them and prayed with them.  It could not have come at a better time, as these girls were in need of great emotional and spiritual uplifting.  They built shelves for the living room, fixed/rebuilt broken beds, and even added extra shelves in mine and Titi’s room!  They didn’t stop there.  They poured out blessings on me as they prayed over me and offered support of their own; one man committed to going home, getting on our website and giving us monthly donations, another couple offered their home in South Africa as a retreat and getaway for me when I need it (and can possibly help me publish my book!), another wanted contact information to keep updated on Hosea’s Heart, and Musa offers praise for my heart.   #blessed

                From battles to blessings, indeed!

This Daily Life

                I left America two weeks ago today, but it feels like I’ve been in Swaziland for months now.  Much  has happened, yet it feels like nothing significant to report (other than the event of the previous post).  After all, how do you put into words what has become just daily life?  I currently operate on no set schedule, which is strange but beautiful.  I choose my wake up times and bed times based on the needs of the girls.  Sometimes I’m up early as the sun rises because I was awoken to tend to a sick child and sometimes I’m up late, talking about life with two of the older girls until midnight even though it was a school night.  Sometimes I try to set schedules but almost always they are interrupted, like right now as the girls are all supposed to be in bed and I’m writing this post on my laptop, Lucia, who is hyper and refusing to sleep, has climbed into my lap speaking SiSwati that I don’t understand.  Although interruptions to my personal time or set schedule can be annoying, I’m trying to make the most of the daily joys.  Like this message from Lucia:  “nnnn,,,,../nnnmmmmm,,,,….. ”  I think that means dinner was good tonight.  So what about the other joys?  Well, luckily for you, one of my students gave me a journal on the last day of school to, as he wrote, “fill in these pages with all the good and the not-so-good things that happen.”  So, I’ll summarize the good and not-so-good from the beginning of my departure.

                Good: My mom, dad, and brother Justin drove me to the airport in Chicago, so it was nice to spend my last American moments with them. 

                NSG: What they didn’t know was when they dropped me off it was at the wrong terminal.  I had my two luggage bags, carry on, and one extra ministry bag of donated supplies.  Needless to say, I couldn’t carry them all by myself so I got a cart.  The lady directed me to the escalator to get to the tram to take me to the next terminal.  Really, the escalator?  I’m supposed to take the escalator with the cart?  Now, to excuse the airheadedness that followed, let me just remind you I’m moving to a different country and can hardly think right and besides at the Johannesburg airport, you can take the carts (a little different structure) on the escalator.  So I did.  Whatever you are imagining probably happened.  I got stuck at the bottom and literally had to yell for help to get me and the cart off the escalator.  Two men came rushing over, rescued me, then scolded me and asked what country I had come from.  The gentleman who helped me said carts were not allowed on the trams either.  How was I supposed to get to my terminal then?  “I’ll help you, you help me,” he smiles.  Really?  I have to pay off the guy at the airport here in Chicago?  I thought that was only a Joburg thing.  So he “allows” me on the tram and I give him a few bucks.  What a great start to my move overseas.

                 

                Not so good:  The flight from Chicago to Atlanta was delayed for no apparent reason, and my love-hate relationship with Delta continued.  By the time my plane landed in Altanta, my flight for Johannesburg would have just started boarding.  My heart was pounding and I was already nervous that I’d miss my flight.  I tried explaining to the flight attendant to see if I could get a seat up front but she was no help. 

Good: I decided to take it into my own hands.  I went up to the front seats of the plane and asked some random stranger if he’d switch seats with me.   Luckily, he saw my panic and agreed to switch.   

Not so good:  When we landed my flight had already started boarding and the flight attendant told me my next flight was in another terminal.

Good: I was the first one off the plane, (I even whipped past all those first class flyers), and I hustled through the gigantic airport and made it to my gate on time!  When I took my seat, I struck up a conversation with young man next to me and we discovered we were both traveling to Swaziland! 

Not so good: I usually don’t get sick on the flights but by the time the 16 hour flight was over, I was so queasy I couldn’t even eat the last meal they served.  Luckily, Musa was there in Joburg to welcome me “home” with a sign, smile, and hug. 

Good: After the 4 ½ hour drive to Swaziland, Musa pulled up the girls home and we waited at the gate to get let in.  Sindi was the first one charging down the porch and ran straight into my arms.  The other girls squealed and swarmed me with chatter and hugs.  My sister Laura and friend Ally were also there to welcome me “home!”  They had made a big sign in the entrance that said, “Welcome home Mama Kate!”  After greeting all my girls, I said hello to the ones I hadn’t yet met.  Their eyes got so big when I called them by name.  After a few more hellos and hugs, the girls all lined up and started singing a chant with my name "MK" in it.  It was adorable.  I went to sleep that night exhausted and didn’t wake up until 13 hours later!

So this new home is definitely filled with its goods and not-so-goods, but isn’t that what daily life entails?  Most of goods outweigh the bad, so here are a few highlights from my first two weeks:

-We got our girls home van fixed the second day I was here and when I returned to the home with it, the girls all cheered and Gogo Martha hugged and thanked me.  Sindi led us all in a prayer over the car!

-I rocked Luciano to sleep one night, and that's when I felt like I belonged.

-During worship at our first church service, the gogo (grandma) next to me was getting down and dancing!  She could get lower than I can!

-I homeschooled three of the girls with Rachel and Kiley.  We did reading and writing, took a short break, did addition and subtraction flash cards, took a break, and ended with science and talking about the weather.  It was a lot of fun!

-Kiley, Tenele, and I took a walk to a nearby shop together and Tenele was hilarious, telling animated stories along the way.

-We worked in the garden and started it on fire (on purpose at first, but then it got out of control).

-Reading a book to Lucia before bedtime and her falling asleep in my lap

-Rachel and Kiley slept over on the weekend because Titi was gone and we watched She’s the Man on my laptop.  Nonhlanhla was laughing hysterically and because it was so contagious that was the hardest I (or any of the girls) have laughed before!

-Lucia loves doing my hair and says, "umuhle" (pretty) over and over.  She was sticking the pick in my hair to make my new look complete.

-Two of our girls’ father died, so we had the funeral over the weekend.  Although it was an extremely sad situation, it was absolutely amazing to see the girls cry for each other and console one another like a true family!  Unity is greatest joy and victory that we can celebrate for our daily lives.  Please continue to pray for us.   

Set Free

Disclaimer: If you do not believe in the Holy Spirit or casting out of evil spirits, then no need to read any further; this post is not for you.

On Sunday, June 29th, I experienced something I will never forget.  The morning started like any other one.  I picked up the Ambassador team and brought them back to the girls home.  Then we all walked to the nearby church where Tenele had asked us to go.  It was about a two and half hour service total, and during the point where the leader asked for personal testimonies, Tenele nudged one of the girls to tell them to go up. I in turn nudged Tenele and encouraged her to go forward.  Her eyes got really big and she covered her face with her hands in anticipated embarrassment.  But for some reason she did get up and walked to the front of the church.  I was so shocked.  That was not the Tenele I had known for the past six years.  Although she has made giant strides in her faith life and turning her life around, she still was holding back and would have never in the past had the courage to stand in front of anyone to talk.  Nonhlanhla also accompanied her and they both shared testimonies with the church.  They spoke in SiSwati, so we didn't know what they said, but it was beautiful to watch them and to hear the congregations "amens" to whatever they said.  Shortly after that, a few more of our girls got up to lead the church in song, and that was so beautiful to see as well!  The girls sang "Our God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do for you."  Little did we know how important those words would be an hour later.

The Pastor gave a great sermon about not holding anything back from the Lord.  He kept saying 100%, not 99.9%!  I wrote down in my journal that is how satan deceives us and slowly seeps in to dissuade us from truly giving 100%.  We make excuses for sin or temptations or desires and slowly our 100% gets less and less.  At the end he had somewhat of an altar call, and called those forward who wanted to surrender their lives completely to Christ.  There was a line of people, and Tenele went forward to be one of them.  The pastor started praying over the individuals and Tenele was one of the last ones.  I had stopped paying attention by this point, because they were also playing music in the background and I was getting a little sleepy from the long service.  All of a sudden, the pastor is yelling something like, "Get out!" and I looked up and saw that his hand was on Tenele's forehead and he was still praying for her.  What happened in the moments to follow were at first extremely scary for me, and something I have never seen or witnessed before.  All of a sudden five more people were holding Tenele and her body was being wrenched around.  I kept thinking, "What are they doing to her?  Why are they trying to put on a show?  That's my girl!"  I was upset.  I was confused.  I was scared.  I knew what they were doing, they were praying evil spirits out of her.  But I had never seen it before, so to be honest, I wasn't sure that I believed it.  Of course, it is Biblical, but I just didn't think it happened like that in today's day and age.  I felt the Spirit prompting me to go forward to her and pray for her, so I did.  I went to the front, though keeping my distance from her, and prayed over her.  Then I felt the Spirit prompting me to take hold of her feet and pray while I held her feet.  So I did.  It was then that I realized there was a power in Tenele unlike her.  The six people holding her were trying to stabalize her, but she was so powerful that it took forever to calm her down.  The church was dismissed, but the six people holding Tenele couldn't let go.  The pastor kept commanding, "Get out!" to the evil spirits and eventually the other girls on our team came forward to pray as well.  I was the only umlungu touching Tenele and as I looked back to find Laura, I saw Rachel and the Spirit prompted me to call Rachel forward.  So I asked Rachel to come hold and pray over Tenele.  So she did.

An hour passed and Tenele's wrenching and wriggling and groaning did not stop.  We were praying and singing and worshiping, seemingly saying the same things over and over again.  I didn't know what to do, so I just kept praying.  Eventually, I was the one holding Tenele's head.  It took all my strength to literally keep her head in my lap because otherwise she would whip her neck back and forth and try to hit the ground. There were times when it seemed the battle was over, she calmed down and the spirit was out, but not completely.  The pastor commanded in Christ's name for the demon to talk, so he would ask questions like "How many are you?  What is your name?  What are you doing?" At one point the demon answered, "We are building a house here."  Oh, no you're not!  A woman started saying, "You are the temple of the Living God!"  Our team and the others from the church prayed ceaselessly over her.

At the TWO HOUR mark, we were exhausted but the battle was still raging over my precious Tenele.  I felt the Spirit prompt me to read Scripture, so I grabbed my Bible and opened to Psalm 146, this was the Psalm I had prayed over Tenele years ago.  In fact, verse 7, "The Lord sets prisoners free" is the verse written on a red hair band Tenele gave me four years ago.  So I repeated, "The Lord sets prisoners free" over and over aloud after I read the whole psalm.  I felt prompted to put my hand on her neck and pray those words over her.  Immediately, a dream I had four years ago flooded me.  It was a dream where Tenele had come running to me, away from a man who was chasing her.  She had a yellow rope around her neck like a noose.  I remember being so scared in my dream, but I prayed for her and the only way to get the rope off was through prayer.  I couldn't touch it, could only pray it off, and it fell off.  So I kept the vision in my mind as I touched Tenele's neck and prayed freedom over her.  About ten minutes later, she finally breathed out a long sigh, like exhaling the last "stubborn demon" (as the Pastor called it) and her body became calm and her eyes flickered.  Her eyes had been shut, refusing to open the whole time even when someone tried to force them open, but finally did after two hours and everyone around the circle breathed, "Praise God!"  It was clear that the people of the church knew what they were doing as this had been done before, so they were all rejoicing.  We were all exhausted and sweating, for the power in Tenele was unlike any I had seen.  Her strength was beyond human strength and it wasn't until my sister explained it to me later that I really understood what was happening to Tenele's body, that if we had not restrained her, she would have self-harmed and who knows what would have happened because her body had been overtaken.  There is much more to the story, but I can't put it all into words.  Although it was scary at first, I could not be more JOYFUL for the Victory of Christ over her life.  She had finally come to the Lord's feet, ready to surrender completely, and although she had dark demons in her life from the past, she is now SET FREE forever!

It wasn't until I was journaling later that I realized the impact of the phrase from the demon, "We are building a house here."  Building a house?  We built a house, We (Hosea's Heart) help rebuild the ruins.  They were trying to build a house and in doing so destroy ours.  Tenele is going to change Swaziland.  Not herself, but her story and her spirit is for sure going to be the tool of change and freedom for Swazi and it's no wonder she is a target of Satan.  June 29th, 2014 will be a day I celebrate forever because it's the day my Tenele-Bell has been finally, finally, finally completely set free.  A prayer that has been in my heart and on my lips for SIX years.

After the two hour ceaseless prayer session, I felt so empowered.  And it made me wonder how quickly our world would change if we spend that much time in prayer every day. Or even just once a week.  What if we got on our knees and battled ceaselessly for our brothers and sisters who are held captive by something.  What if we prayed with that intensity and determination for our neighbors, our family, our schools, our nations, our own hearts?  Many times prayer is the last thing we go to.  What if it became the first?  What if we became a prayer army?

NO WONDER then, the lyrics "There's an army rising up," has been my theme for this move here.  For, there is a battle we don't see, we don't acknowledge, we refuse to believe sometimes.  There is a very real battle going on, and it's thick here in Swaziland.  It's not like that in the States, so I don't expect anyone reading to fully understand, but if you get nothing else out of it, get this:

THERE IS AN ARMY RISING UP.  WILL YOU BE PART OF IT?

Waterfall

"Ms. Martin, do you HAVE to leave us?" a young man raised his hand one day in class.

He was a quiet student, one who tried not to be noticed, one who seldom raised his hand, one who I never thought would care that I was leaving.  I sucked in my breath and choked down tears and just nodded yes.

"Okay," he said quietly and looked down at his desk.

Talk about a knife through my already heavy heart.  He wasn't the only one who asked.  But others seemed to understand: "That's great that you're doing this!  Those girls need you.  This is what you wanted."  It's true, of course.  But there's more to the story.  They didn't really understand either.  But how could I make anyone understand the turmoil of being ripped in two different directions.  The waterworks of tears had begun.

In the beginning of the school year, I asked God to give me a reason to stay this year.  He gave me too many.  There are countless reasons to stay grounded here in the States, especially since this has been the most fruitful year of my life.  I adore my students.  I love them like I would my own.  And they have showered me with love and appreciation unlike any other time of my life.  I almost feel guilty because I feel so cherished by them.  If I were to make a pros and cons list of leaving and moving to Swazi, my cons list would be twice as long as my pros, and it'd look something like this:

Pros:
-living alongside Tenele and helping care for her babes, Lucia and Luciano
-bringing the healing and hope of Christ into the girls home
-mentoring and mother the girls that already call me "Make" meaning mother (some haven't even met me yet!)
-seeing my Swazi family and playing with my basketball ballas again
-seeing old friends and students
-walking everywhere (a pro and a con)
-buying fruit/snacks off the streets from my Swazi bomake (mothers)
-hearing people say my name as "Mahdi-Kate" because they can't pronounce the "r"
-KFC there is phenomenal
...

Cons:
-not being able to drink water directly out of a faucet
-flying cockroaches
-driving on the left side of the road
-learning how to drive stick shift
-random cows, chickens, and pot holes in the roads
-the summer HEAT is miserable
-skin maggots -- NEVER AGAIN!
-crazy drivers
-Marula season and drunk men
-being asked for marriage or money every other day
-not being able to be out at night (especially when the sun set early at 5/5:30)
-having to carry toilet paper with me b/c most public toilets don't have tp, or you have to pay to use the toilet
-immediate internet access
-living where I won't get alone time hardly at all
-paying for airtime for phone use
-a clean shower with proper water pressure
-job security
-insurance
-health
-no Reeses PB cups or real peanut butter or Almond Milk or... (there's a LONG list for this one)
-not getting hugs from family and friends
-being away from people I love and who love me, family, friends, coworkers, and of course my beloved students--my "American kids"
-the list goes on...

So why go, then?

Because I'm called to go.  Because I gave my life over to the Lord years ago and told Him, "You can have all of me."  Because I sang the lyrics to the song, "Where you go, I'll go, where you stay I'll stay, when you move, I'll move, I will follow you."  So, when people say they are happy for me because I got what I wanted, I wanted to stay in Swazi so now I am, they're missing it though.  My ultimate want is to do God's will, that is my one desire in life.  I would not choose to move to Swazi right now, if it weren't for God's calling.  But because it is God's desire, it is mine.

So, to any of you who, like my students, have also questioned, "Why do you have to go?"

I need to go.  I need to go in order for God to be glorified.  In order for Him to be glorified in Swazi and here.  If I have really done my job here, then my absence should increase growth.  I am not meant to be the source of love or hope or grace; I am simply a water spout for it to pour out.  I am only a reflection of the Source, so when taken away, the Source remains and there must now be new reflectors.  It's time for others to rise up, to let God use them to be His venue for Hope and Healing; one of my students already told me she would be this, and I could not be more fulfilled.  It's time for growth.  And that cannot be done while I remain here, otherwise some might think it's me alone that loves them not knowing the Source from which the love comes.  So I close with the verse that sits on my nightstand, the verse that became my prayer focus this school year:

"My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the SOURCE of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that hold no water." -Jeremiah 2:13 

When I leave, may my footsteps lead to the source of living water.  The waterfall will come and some will thirst no longer.

"Send Me"

"Here I am, Lord.  Is it I, Lord?  I have heard you calling in the night.  I will go, Lord, if you lead me.  I will hold your people in my heart."

The time has come.  I wasn't expecting the call to come now.  Actually, I was preparing for digging deeper roots here for at least another year.  The call came suddenly but clearly.  In a matter of one weekend, my life/future is now changed, for I will be moving to Swaziland this summer.  

I knew the move was coming--everyone knew the move was coming; and I have been waiting patiently trying to figure out when and how to make the transition.  You'd think I would be excited, after all this time waiting for the answer.  But now that it's here, I'm scared.  What does this mean for my life?  My future?  I was just starting to really find a home here in this La Crescent community.  What about the relationships I've built here?  How can I just leave these people behind?  Although I know the move is the right decision, it's still terrifying and painful.  There are so many things running through my head, I feel a little suffocated.  And the more I think, the more confusing it gets.  Is this really what I'm meant to do?  Am I really ready for this?  

I needed confirmation, so I prayed for it this morning before church.  At church, I literally laughed outloud at several parts throughout mass thinking, "You've got to be kidding me."  The message was about evangelization, and the songs could not have been more perfect.  I even started crying while trying to sing "The Summons."  But what solidified it for me is a message that I coined as my "verse" and theme for my very first trip to Swaziland way back in 2008.  "Here I am, Lord, send me" was my branding.  So when the song "Here I am, Lord" came on, I could hardly believe it.

Since I've made the decision to move, it's been painful already grieving for what I'm about to leave behind.  While most people don't see this move as a shock and are extremely excited for me, what those people also don't understand is that I have grown to love and cherish my kids here just as much as my Swazi ones.  I simply adore the class of freshmen I have now, and my juniors have already chided me for leaving them too early.  Although my heart sinks picturing my life without them, my greatest joy is knowing that I'll still carry them with me.

I'm nervous and excited for the unknown; I don't know how long I'll live in Swazi, but I do know I'll be back and forth, keeping the connections between the two worlds that hold the two halves of my heart.