Give Your Best Anyway

“Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough.

Give your best anyway.” –Mother Teresa

On Sept. 2^nd, I wrote in my journal, “It seems like the problems are so large, how do you even help these girls without hurting in the process?” 

For the past two weeks, I feel like I’ve been running on empty…but somehow still running.  All you stay at home moms, I don’t know how you do it.  Really, I’m exhausted.  The girls have been on school break, so most of them went home to family members, except Nonhlanhla, Sindi, Ayanda, Welile, and Lucia and Luciano.  I was so excited for this to be a “break” for me, too, but instead it seemed like more work than having a full house.  Many secrets were brought to light over this break about the behaviors of a number of the older girls.  There will be definite disciplinary actions awaiting the girls when they return from break. 

It’s not easy coming up with consequences.  It’s not like in the States where there are so many things (car keys, cell phone, computer, iPod, etc.) you can take away from a kid, and there’s really no point in “grounding” because they don’t really spend time outside the house anyway, other than to and from school.  Finding proper ways and creative ways to discipline has been in itself exhausting, and sometimes the problems combined seem too big to even worry about facing.  There are reasons why these girls are acting the way they are and living in deceit and darkness.  They don’t come from easy lives and all are jaded and scarred in more ways than one.  Daniel Walker wrote that sexual abuse is the worst crime against humanity because it robs the person of her soul, her pride, her worthiness; it “murders the person but leaves their bodies alive.”  Why would one of these girls even care about discipline if they feel they have nothing left anymore? 

I’m trying to find the balance between grace and punishment, because I still have high standards for my girls.  There are reasons but not excuses.  I don’t excuse their behavior but I try to understand it first.  That, too, gets frustrating because others see that as me being too “soft” or inadvertently encouraging bad behavior.   A couple of the girls themselves see that I am a very empathetic person and take advantage of it by inflating their stories, exaggerating, or flat out lying, and that makes me feel like giving up.   Yet, I still have the solid few that despite their own horror story of a past remain righteous, obedient, faithful, and committed.  Too much focus on the negative takes away the glory of the positives, so I don’t want to take away from everything they’ve done for me; for, they have provided me some incredible “proud mama” moments recently:

The other night, I dismissed everyone for bed but stayed out in the living room.  The girls thought I went to my room and was asleep, so they stayed up for quite some time.  I could’ve taken this as another frustrating moment because I had told them all to go to sleep because it was already late.  However, as I listened, I couldn’t bring myself to interrupt.  Nonhlanhla and Sindi (blood sisters) were “practicing” English words to some worship songs I had written down for them.  They were singing softly but got louder as they somehow randomly broke out in a Whitney Houston song.  Then they prayed aloud in SiSwati and then continued singing and laughing with each other.  At 1:00 a.m., I finally closed my journal and went into their room.  Nonhlanhla quickly put her notebook down and Sindi pretended she was asleep.  “That was so beautiful,” I told them. 

“Oh, thank you, Mom!” Nonhlanhla beamed. 

“I hate to make this end, but you really need your sleep,” I replied.

“Yes, Mom,” Sindi smiled and kissed my cheek goodnight.

#proudmama

            I took the girls with me to do some singing and praying at the Hope House; even Gogo Martha wanted to come!  Melissa went with me to each little house to invited the residents to the circle pavilion for preaching and worship (a pastor was there to preach as well).  I had my guitar so we sang some fun songs and the girls were interacting with the residents to get them to dance and laugh.  The pastor did a mini sermon on John 10:10 “The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy,” and he did a phenomenal job.  After he finished Ayanda whispered to me, “Can I say something, too?”  At my eager “yes,” she stood up, sweetly greeted the group, and began preaching on Psalm 23:1.  She was beaming, the most beautiful I’ve seen her.  For, as Scripture says, “Those who look to Him are radiant and will never be ashamed.”  #proudmama

            One morning, I sat outside playing with Lucia and Luciano for awhile.  Sindi and Welile came to join us.  I had my basketball, so we were rolling it and bouncing it around.  Then Welile asked how to dribble the ball like I do during games.  It turned into an unexpected basketball coaching session, and the girls were amazed at how I could dribble the ball between my legs.  After trying themselves for quite some time, Welile yelled to me, “Mama Kate! Look!  Look!” and she proceeded to successfully dribble the ball between her legs.  #proudmama

            Lucia is not even three years old yet.  She HAND washes her own underwear, she sweeps the floor, she tries to pick up her little brother (who’s almost bigger than her!), and she speaks two languages.  Her English has gotten increasingly better; in fact, she speaks better English than some of the older girls!  For example, she conjugates verbs correctly, which the older girls struggle to do.  The other day, she was on the couch and wanted to jump off.  “Mama Kate, Mama Kate, Mama Kate,” she pesters me until I look, “I’m jumping!”  I couldn’t believe it.  It wasn’t just, “I jump,” but she had the verb correct.  She repeats much of what we say or do, which we have to be careful about of course.  I didn’t realize how much I said this to her, but I tell Lucia, “Girl, you’re cray cray,” when she’s being crazy (which is almost always).  Well, the other day I was driving and all of a sudden I hear “Cway, cway! Cway, cway!” in my ear.  I turn and there she is giggling to get my attention.  Naturally, I can’t stop laughing because it’s so stinking cute, but now she uses that to her advantage, so when I’m scolding her she’ll smile and say, “Cway, cway” to get me to laugh.  That little stinker.  Still, it’s a #proudmamamoment.

            Since Tenele hadn’t been around for my basketball games, she and Melissa came to watch a pick-up game at the local university.  After the game, I treated the girls to some KFC dinner since we had missed supper time.  Tenele and Melissa had a heart to heart, mostly in English, which was surprising!  Tenele shared about her past and opened up to Melissa to encourage her to walk in righteousness.  It was absolutely amazing.  Tenele’s transformation as of lately has been astounding.  Her time at Project Canaan was exactly what she needed to mature her and mold her into the leader she is now.  She identifies herself as one of the “problem” girls in the home, but she wants to have a house meeting and talk to everyone about how to walk in the light and not in darkness.  Melissa soaked up what Tenele had to say and she in turn also asked me if she could say something to the other older girls on my behalf.  #proudmama

Because Tenele has been raised in abuse, that’s often how she disciplined her own kids.  It’s taken me a long time to try to break Tenele of this habit that is a part of their culture in Swaziland to beat children.  I can judge much of Tenele’s heart and character based on how she’s treating her children.  Since she has moved back from Project Canaan, it has been a complete turnaround.  I have given her support, advice, and have shown her how I’ve been disciplining them, especially Lucia.  She actually listens to me and follows my advice!  She’s been a phenomenal mother, and she is adorable with Luciano, who says, “Ma-mah, Ma-Mah,” in the cutest voice ever!  #proudgrandma

Lastly, still concerning Tenele’s new freedom and walking in the light, she said something to me the other night that counters my frustration I talked about at the beginning of this post.  She said to me, “Mom?  I know I’ve disappointed you so many times, but because God give you the pure heart and heart forgiving, you keep fighting for me.  Other people look at us (girls in the home) and say, ‘Ah, forget them.  I’m tired of them,’ and they give up on us.”  She was encouraging better behavior from the girls but empowering me at the same time to not give up on them.  #proudmama

So, as Mother Teresa says, even when my best isn’t enough and I want to give up, I will choose to give my best anyway.  

If Only

Life here has becoming increasingly wearing lately. I’d be lying to you if I told you I fit in here, that my heart has settled here as to not miss my old life back home.  In fact, just this morning I wrote in my journal, "Maybe I can't do this.  Maybe I just want my old life back."  Thoughts of longing for people, comfort, or things back home are a daily occurrence, but I’ve been able to bring America here in little ways.  For example, Rachel, Kiley, and I have decided to take over cooking on Thursday nights so that we can introduce some “American” food or just different food than rice and beans or pap and tuna (I hate tuna!) once a week.  So far we have covered peanut stew (introduced to us by our missionary friend Elysa Mac), chili (the girls’ FAVORITE), and Sloppy Joes (we got raving reviews on that one, too!).  Of course, we had to introduce some simple desserts too, such as regular chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter cookies, and fruit pizza.  While these have been great joys, sometimes it makes me miss home even more, and cooking specifically makes me miss my sister/roomie and my grandma.  I’ve found myself increasingly thinking in If Onlys…

“If only we had real ketchup here…”  “If only we had lunch meat…or better yet Subway!”  “If only the girls would wash the dishes instead of just rinse them…”  “If only the kitchen were cleaner…”  “If only the kids wouldn’t keep losing silverware…”  “If only the tiles on our floor wouldn’t break…”  “If only I could have hot water for every shower…”  “If only chickens wouldn’t get into our house through our open front door…”(I had to stop typing this and go kick a chicken out)  “If only I had my own room…” “If only we had a playground to take the kids to…”  “If only we had a park…”  “If only we had mini golf…” (Yes, I just thought that yesterday!) “If only we can start another home…”  “If only we had an office here…”  “If only we had better internet…”  “If only I had a husband so these girls can have a father…”  Okay, you get the picture about my lengthy if onlys.  We all have our if onlys, no matter where we are in the world or who we are with. God has been really challenging me lately by bringing all these “if only”s to light.  I’m learning how selfish I still am and how after all these years growing in my faith I still don’t put my full trust in God for my fulfillment.  God must be thinking, “If only?  How about if only YOU would stop saying if only.”  It may be only two words, but the negative impact is lasting. If onlys are our inability to appreciate the sun when it’s hiding behind a cloud.  If onlys prevent us from being in the moment, and being in the moment is the best place we can be (and somehow the place so few of us actually are) because that’s where God wants to meet us. 

So that brings us back to gratitude. If we are grateful, there is no need for if onlys.  In the book Dynamic Catholic, Mathew Kelly talks about the happiest and most joyful people are not ones who have the huge houses, gorgeous yards, high class lifestyles, solid families, and an abundance of money; rather they are the people who live out gratitude and embrace a lifestyle of generosity; they are thankful for especially the small things which creates even more joy for bigger things.  My longing for people, comfort, or things back home aren’t going to disappear, but rather than try to bring “America” to my home here, I want to appreciate what America isn’t and the experiences I wouldn’t have if I were back in the States.  Maybe America can learn something, too:

I’m thankful for…

Kombis.  I never thought I’d say that I am grateful for a run-down extended van with squeaky, weak seats, jam packed with 15 strangers.  But it’s a unique experience to wave down these “public transport” vans and jump in, pay 5 rand, and get a lift to town.  It’s really quite brilliant.  Imagine if we all had the spirit of cooperation when it came to transport and car pooled in these public transport vans instead of taking our own personal cars.  The next time you are held up at a stoplight, watch all the cars go by you and count how many have only one person in it.  I’ve done this before (of course I was the one person in my car, too) and was so surprised at what a waste of space, gas, etc. to have this many cars or even larger vehicles holding just one person, the driver.  I’m thankful for the kombis and even the big trucks that transport lots of people sitting in the back (because it’s legal here). 

Worship that rocks the house.  I’ve had numerous amazing worship experiences back home, but there’s something captivating about unplanned, acapella voices that ring out in harmony and praise to God.  How many mothers can say they walk in on all 14 of their children gathered in one room singing acapella and dancing before the Lord?  On another occasion, I brought out my guitar and we sang our favorite worship song that has no title but at the end we sing, “I’m in love with God, and God’s in love with me.  This is who I am, and this is who I’ll be.”  I had my eyes closed as I was playing and singing but as we kept repeating those words, the girls’ voices got louder and louder, and my smile got wider and wider; it was like we brought down a magnetic presence as I felt power just wash over us as we sang and nearly shouted these words as if telling the world who exactly we are.  When I opened my eyes, I was laughing and so was everyone in the room—filled to the brim with the spirit of Joy!

Movies.  The first time the girls asked to watch a movie, I thought sarcastically, “Oh, this will be a lot of fun,” because we were going to try to watch a movie with a room full of girls on the little screen of my laptop.  But after weekends worth of doing this, I’ve realized how suitable it actually is and how excited we are when we can watch a movie!  Our latest movies were Mama Mia (we sang it all week) and Stomp the Yard (Nonhlanhla and Sindi’s personal favorites as they tried imitating stomp moves all day).

Rainy days.  Well, I should correct that to “day” because there really has only been one major rainy day so far.  But it was a time to just be and rest.  I finally was able to soak my feet and shave my legs!  Now how often back home do I get excited about shaving my legs?  I also broke out a pack of cards and taught Melissa, Sibussa, Sindi, and Nonhlanhla how to play Speed.  For lunch, I added an orange to each girls’ plate and received excited, “Thank you Mama Kate!”  Again, how often back home do children thank their parents for getting a piece of fruit!
 

Basketball and healthy competition.  I forgot how much I love playing basketball until I joined my “Super Ladies” team again!  Coaching for the past three years has been wonderful, but playing is completely different joy.  At first I hesitated in getting too involved with the women’s team because I didn’t want to take away from ministry here but then I realized how much this magnifies my ministry.  Not only is it a personal stress relief and joy, but it gives my girls here opportunities they haven’t had before.  It exposes them to something bigger than themselves and the world they have come from.  They have come to several games already and have been our greatest fans, cheering like crazy!  They really look up to the women on my team who greet them and embrace them in hugs, making them feel like they belong, too.  It’s so beautiful.  I have quite a few battle wounds (major bruises) since this style of basketball is much more aggressive than back home.  When I showed one of my bruises to my girls, they exclaimed, “Oh my gosh, Mama Kate!  You need to get to hospital!”  They apparently hadn’t seen a bruise on a white girl like that before.  My “Super Ladies” teammates are more than just teammates; they are a different culture of Swazis than I’m used to working with, and it is so refreshing.  After the games is when other fun happens too, such as one night I treated the girls to KFC because it was a late game and we hadn’t had dinner or another game after our team won in OT and we jammed like crazy to “Imma Shine” and “Turn Down for What” (two of five songs we have available in our van). 

Bhuti.  Luciano is 15 months and he is 100% a handful yet 100% the most adorable boy I know.  Because Lucia calls him “bhuti,” meaning brother, that has become his name.  He hardly ever answers to Luciano, just Bhuti or BhuBhu.  His first word he learned to speak should tell you much about him: “No.”  He said “no” for everything, as that was apparently the word we used most in talking to him.  “No, you can’t stick your fingers in the outlet…No, you can’t tangle yourself up in the tv cord…No, you can’t eat the bug Lucia just killed…No, you can’t stick your hands in your dirty diaper… No, you can’t have that…No, you can’t touch that…”  His second word was “Doe-doe,” the word he used trying to say “Gogo,” his main caretaker.  His third word?  One morning I woke up and opened the door to the living room to greet Gogo, who was sitting with Bhuti.  Upon seeing me, he ran to me with his fat little feet and radiant toothy grin.  He lifted his arms to me and said, “Tata, tata,” which literally means, “take me,” or hold me.

Lucia.  I've said so much about her already, what more do I need to write, except this cute story:  We were driving in town this morning jamming to our 5 song CD and "This Girl's on Fire" came on.  All of a a sudden, I hear Lucia's sweet voice behind me sing, "girl fire! girl fire!"  So cute!

Tenele-Belle.  This girl never ceases to amaze me.  No, she’s not perfect but neither am I.  What I love most about her is her writing and how we communicate best through letters (after all, it’s a letter that started our connection six years ago)!  Tenele recently turned 19, so we surprised her for her birthday.  She was so appreciative and sweet.  I had given her a journal to write in while she is away and lonely.  She had filled pages and pages!  Some entries she writes to me, others she copies down verses, and others she writes out to God.  Tenele’s heartache never seems to end.  She had a miscarriage, and one of her entries she wrote a letter to her unborn baby and said she’d never forget “her,” though she didn’t know the sex of the baby yet.  She asked God why he gave and then took away.  A couple pages later, she wrote an entry just for me.  It was about my future husband.  She wrote that I should have a husband that won’t play with my heart, one that I can trust completely and she encouraged me to keep praying for this man.  Oh, how I love my sweet child, and desire so much for her to have a father, my husband, some day.

Gogo, Titi, Rachel, and Kiley.  Gogo Martha is amazing.  Not only has she really started to connect to the girls but she adores Luciano and he adores her.  She also reminds me of my grandma who passed away.  It’s literally like she is still with me, but just in different skin.  The faces Gogo makes and the trickster that she is, especially when it comes to games, lights me up like I’m with my grandma.  Titi has been a friend since 2008, and I love learning alongside of her.  She is my source for learning SiSwati, learning wisdom, and learning patience.  Rachel and Kiley, the year-long volunteers, are so much more than just volunteers; they are my closest friends here, and they are in many respects the reason I am surviving.  There’s too much to say about them, but their impacts are beyond events or outcomes; just their presence has been my greatest blessing!

And so much more.  But those are the main ones from the last two weeks (and really I’m getting way too long-winded, but aren’t you used to that yet?)  Lastly, I am thankful for YOU.  You, who took the time to read through my ramblings.  You, who give me a reason and encouragement to keep going.  You, who made these experiences possible!  You, who keep my heart full back home.

Lord, I thank you for this sweet daily life. 

Top Ten Weekly Highs

“Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” -1 Thessalonians 5:18

Because it's hard to put daily life into words, here are the top ten highlights of the past two weeks:

1) One weekend I was home alone with the girls--no Gogo, Titi, or Rachel/Kiley.  So I decided to make the most of it by baking homemade cookies and writing encouraging notes to each girl.  We also did a music video to "Turn Down for What," which ended up being incredible!  My girls can dance! (If you haven't seen this video, check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEzsGcWdML4) We ended the night watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and a few girls who stayed up late watched videos from my La Crescent students!

2) I caught a stomach bug and was sick for a few days.  While I was sick I stayed with Rachel and Kiley at a missionary family's house, so when I returned to the girls home, they came running up to me with lots of hugs.  Melissa tenderly rubbed my back as a hello, how are you?  Sebe said they prayed for me.  And Lucia, after seeing Melissa rub my back, proceeded to do so herself. So sweet!

3) After settling Tenele into Project Canaan, it was rough figuring out what to do with her kids and how to arrange keeping them at the home.  Gogo and Titi both stepped up immensely in taking care of the kids with me.  Luciano continues to steal my heart, as I rocked him to sleep the first four nights Tenele had been gone.   A few days later I also took Luciano and Lucia to town with me to get them some shoes since they both had grown out of anything we had at the home.  Good thing Ayanda was with me, because we had picked up groceries, too.  So we trekked through town, Ayanda carrying our load of groceries and Mama Kate carrying Luciano on one hip and holding Lucia's hand.  Lucia, thrilled with the opportunity to be out and about in town, sauntered painfully slow, looking at and touching everything she could.  It got to the point where I had to scoop her up for a few minutes because Luciano was waaaay too heavy to keep carrying for that long.  We were a hilarious sight as we had to keep stopping to catch our breath and shift our strength.  Apparently, many people asked Ayanda if we needed help (which I didn't catch because it was in SiSwati).  It was a joyful "mama" day. 

4) Musa treated Titi, Gogo, and I to Nandos, as we talked about our plan for the girls home and how to care for Tenele's kids.  We felt like princesses as he catered to our desires and gave us more than plenty to eat and drink. It was just a really nice time for us to be away from the home together.  Thanks to Rachel and Kiley, they got babysitting duty that night. :)

5) We have been continuing a new Bible study structure so on Mondays/Wednesdays, Rachel, Kiley, and I are leading a study on the lineage of Jesus, starting with Adam and of course ending with the life of Jesus.  We are only at Abraham!  On Tuesdays/Thursdays, the girls take turns leading the study themselves.  They usually just pick a verse or reading that means something to them and they explain it and why it's important.  Well, one night, I heard a lot of noise and commotion, so I went into the living room and found the girls all standing in a circle starting to sing and dance in worship!  It was such a proud mama moment because I hadn't told them it was time for bible study, like I usually have to do, they started it on their own and they started it by uniting in song and dance.  Amazing!

6) I established a structured reading time into our daily schedule.  We have lots of donated books but they were not being used, so I structured a half hour reading time every day into the current schedule.  The girls love it! Nonhlanhla and Ayanda are eating up the Boxcar children series!  (Anyone have the rest of the books in the series?  We have 1-3 and Nonhlanhla’s already asking for the latter ones!)  Learning to read and speak in English is so important here because it will give them greater opportunities for appropriate jobs later.  During reading time, it's also an opportunity for me to work on English pronunciation and frequency with individuals.  I tell them that since there's an "umlungu" living with them, there's no excuse to speak poor English. :) 

7) I finally had my first basketball game with my "SuperLadies" women's team!  They had been family to me a couple years ago when I lived here for the nine months.  I cannot begin to tell you how blessed I feel to call them a family again.  It felt amazing to play a game that I once loved but haven't played competitively for years!  So refreshing to reignite the love for bball again. We won 56-18, and the second half I felt on fire!  Most of my girls came with to watch the game, so they were screaming and cheering.  After the game, thy all gave me running hugs even though I was covered in sweat.  It was a moment I won’t forget! Nomvula’s highlight at dinner was watching the game.  Guess I'll have to build a basketball team out of these girls in our home. :)

8) Communication from home is always a highlight for me: I got letters from Maria Lusk and my cousin Kaci Keleher; I got phone calls from Eilidh Duncan all the way from Scotland, from Fr. Joe from Peru, and from Ally Adamski; finally, I got to skype with my mom, who was babysitting my nephews and niece, so I got to see them, too!  Thank the Lord for keeping my heart full from home.

9) For Rachel’s birthday, we hiked Execution Rock, using our own directions instead of buying a map.  (Who would charge you for a map when you already have to pay to hike?? Eish, charges for everything!)  Because we were using our own directional senses, we made it to the top, but only after we nearly hiked up a different mountain first.  We had a little picnic of PB sandwiches, fruit, and Kiley's yummy granola bars her parents sent from home!  We took some pics and headed back down the mountain for a cold coke and ice cream bar.  On our way out, we saw hippos, alligators, and zebras!  Zebras were the one animal Rachel really wanted to see, so she got her wish on her bday!  Our missionary friends, the Macs, hosted us for a bday dinner at their house.  What an incredible and hospitable family.  

10) Just this past weekend, we had a divine appointment from the Lord.  I was supposed to go to South Africa to play in a basketball tournament.  A day or two before we were supposed to leave, the tournament got cancelled, and Rachel, Kiley, and I were crushed because we were really depending on a retreat and get away from Swazi for a little while.  Besides, Kiley had booked a return ticket home that weekend to be home for her brother's wedding.  So the three of us decided we needed to get to SA anyway and spend some time away.  We didn't know how we would get there or where we would stay.  We were over at Elysa Mac's house (this woman is like our angel here!) and we asked her if she knew of any cheap accomodation.  She decides to facebook message her friends and ask.  It just so happens that Susan Clark is online, sees the message, and offers her home for FREE.  What?  From there we were able to communicate briefly and confirm we'd be coming to stay with her for one night.  (This is less than 24 hour notice.)  So our friend Mancoba drove us to SA where we settled in with Susan Clark and her family.  Susan and her husband Randy have been in SA for three years and just made the decision to remain her permanently.  They have adopted five children, and even though their house was already hosting another family, they still squeezed us into their home and gave us incredible hospitality!  They took us to their Awana ministry, their baby home ministry, and to see an overlook of the beautiful city.  They fed us butternut squash soup, salads, chicken, pancakes, sausage, french toast, and more. Talk about a taste of home, yum!  Susan has been invested in my Tenele story and our mission in Swaziland ever since she came to visit a few weeks ago, so it seemed only necessary for me to ask her to be my spiritual mentor.  From there came questions and advice, lots of prayer and encouragement.  Let's just say, I received answers from the Lord I had been praying for, and received His excellent provision through the Clark family and the company of Rachel and Kiley.  After our too-short-of-a-getaway in Pretoria, Rachel and I (since Kiley's home for a bit) are empowered for the new weeks ahead!

Grace Poured Out

In the previous post, it was difficult to find positives, but in the days that followed, God's blessings and faithfulness poured out over me through many people He put in my path.  My friend Marcia encouraged me to continue to love Tenele and not be so discouraged.  "It's for God's glory and not our own," she reminded me.  How true indeed.  It's about God's glory, so that man cannot boast.  Tenele is not my success story.  Tenele is not my failure story.  Tenele is God's story he continues to write over all of our hearts, and he's certainly refining mine in the process.

My friend Musa further encouraged me to not give up as he asked about the story behind Hosea's Heart.

"Kate, tell me about the prophet Hosea again," he asked me one day after I had unloaded my heartache about Tenele.
"You know," I said, confused as to why he was asking.
"So, God tells Hosea to do what?" he continues.
"He tells him to pursue a prostitute wife who ends up leaving him for her old life."
"And then what?"
"Oh," I understood what he wanted me to verbalize.  "He has to pursue her again..."
"Exactly."  He reminded me of the power of the story and relentless pursuit.  "If you stop pursuing Tenele then the story stops.  You can't stop pursuing her."

Another friend, Susan, gave me some advice to contact missionary families to see if they could help.  Hearing that inspired me to contact a friend Elysa, who called me to pray for me over the phone.  Then she put me in touch with a woman named Janine who ran a project for abandoned babies.  She wasn't sure what she could do but was worth the contact.  Janine, who was busy with her own project and her visiting daughter took time out of her own day to meet and hear my story about Tenele.  For some reason, I don't know how other than by the grace of God, Janine's heart was open to Tenele and my ask for help.  Although she initially reemphasized they are really mainly an abandoned babies home, she did offer some options.  So we took Tenele to meet Janine and Gina to see if Project Canaan would be a good fit for Tenele.  What they offered us is for more than just a good fit.  It's perfect.  It's better than I could have planned myself!  That's the beauty of God's workings!  Tenele was offered a place to stay there during the course of her pregnancy while they employ her as a cleaner in the baby home.  Not only would she be getting the responsibilities of a full time job, but she would witness all day long how all of the aunties properly take care of (feed, comfort, discipline, etc.) babies and toddlers.  Tenele is in desperate need of motherly modeling.  This was one thing she even commented on herself that she was looking forward to.  I had been telling Rachel and Kiley that the two things Tenele needs is consistent discipline along with discipleship; Janine verbalized to me that the two things Tenele would receive would be those exact things: discipline and discipleship.  I could hardly believe it!  The whole situation was a reminder to me that we can have seemingly everything we want/need, but if we don't have Christ at our center, we will always feel without.  Yes, we provided Tenele with shelter, safety, food, clothes, education, but she did not get discipleship in her faith.  She is like the seed in the Parable of the Sower that fell along thorny ground, where her faith has most definitely taken root, but the weeds, the temptations of this world, cut it off.  How important it is that we emphasize Christ as the way, the truth, and the life.

Tenele needed a day to think about her options before saying yes to staying there.  She was hesitant and scared, but she said yes.  She made the right choice, even though it means being separated from literally everyone she knows and loves, including me, including her own children Lucia and Luciano.  She truly wants what's best for them.  So, I moved her in on Tuesday.  It tore at my heart when it was time to say goodbye and she bawled into my sweatshirt.  I cried too, but I was also so joyful for this incredible opportunity and divine path from the Lord.  The road will not be easy ahead of her (especially since we are still trying to figure out how we can keep her kids or where we can place them), and she knows that, but she's ready to embrace the consequences of her choices as well as the gift of grace.  

Grace, what a seemingly small word, but it is truly life-changing.  Looking back on this past week, if I had withheld grace from her as I originally wanted, I can honestly say she would not be alive right now.  In the state that she was in, she would have done drastic things.  It was simple--three words, "I forgive you," that changed the situation.  I didn't change it; God did.  After all, how could I withhold a gift from her that was also freely given to me?  I said to Tenele, "I sin, too.  Just because yours is visible in this sense doesn't make you worse than me.  Just because mine is not doesn't make me better than you.  We all sin; we all deserve darkness; yet we ALL have been offered grace.

This situation taught me so much in such a short amount of time.  How often do we withhold grace from one another?  What would our world be like if we didn't withhold grace?  We would have a changed world!  Rachel had been talking with me about forgiveness several weeks ago and said she had been praying that she can see people how God sees them instead of the sin/brokenness that we see.  How vastly different would our lives be if we saw one another through eyes of Grace?  How many lives could we help save?  If we are looking through the eyes of grace, then there's always a reason to see the positives no matter how grim a situation might seem; after all, isn't that what hope is really about?  To see a tiny beacon of light in dark room where you were told never has a chance of light.  God is the God of the impossible situations. This is God's redemption story.  This is God's grace He demands that we do not withhold.  Christ's blood has already been shed on our behalf, His grace covers us; yet we are the ones who stop it.  Oh, to live in a world unplugged, where we celebrate daily His grace poured out.

When Positives Aren't Always Positives

I always try to see the positives to any situation, or at least to understand it.  I preach to all my students Atticus' Finch quote to "climb into someone's skin and walk around in it."  But there's one positive I never wanted to see, and that's the two-line positive of a pregnancy test.

"It's positive, see?" the lab nurse showed me umtfwana wami's pregnancy test results.  I turned from the test result and just stared at her in shock.

"No, no," she said angrily and pushed past me and out the door.  I was far too upset to care to follow.  Luckily, Kiley was at the clinic with me to help another girl, so when I came out with a stunned face and shook my head yes, she ordered me to sit down to collect myself.

"Where'd she go?" Kiley asked.
"I don't know," I shrugged.  I really didn't care at that point.  "She stormed out and left."
"Should I go get her?" Kiley asked.
"I guess."
Kiley left while I sat with another girl we were helping.  I couldn't hold it together, though; I couldn't hold in the tears so I walked outside and bawled.  I couldn't believe it.  After six years of helping this girl, how could this happen again?  This was one situation I was sure had no positives.

It was like the roof above me had collapsed as I thought about what this would now mean for Tenele, her kids, me, the girls at the house, all of us.  According to house policy, Tenele would need to be removed as soon as possible, but where would she go?  What would happen to her kids?  It seemed we were back at square one.  All of my "success" with Tenele the past few years now meant nothing as all the people who told me not to help her because she wouldn't really change could now laugh at my foolishness and say, "I told you so."  Where had I gone wrong?  Had I really been foolish in helping her?  Why did this happen?  The questions flooded me.  We had given her a new start, a roof over her head, safety, food, clothes, and education...  My thoughts and tears were interrupted by Kiley's phone call.

"Kate, she just keeps walking away.  She's bawling and telling me to just leave her.  I just keep walking with her but she won't listen to me.  We're making quite the scene.  Can you come get us with the car?  Maybe she'll get in then."
"I doubt it," I muttered, "But yes I'll come."  I didn't want to.  I was tired of pursuing Tenele, especially after we had had such an incredible few weeks together, praying every night and living daily life together.

When I saw where they were, I was still so angry, I didn't even care that Tenele was crying.  I parked the car and walked over to her, where Kiley was trying to comfort her and people were staring as they passed by.

"Tenele, let's go," I said coldly.  "Get in the car." I gently put my hand on her back.
"No," she cried. "Just leave me."
After refusing to move towards the car, Kiley and I switched places.  I wrapped my arms around her as she hid her head in her arms and tried pulling away.  I tightened my grip around her so she couldn't get away while Kiley went to pull the car closer.  I told her wasn't going to leave her no matter how many times she told me to.  When she realized I meant what I said, she finally let me pull her and lift her into our van.  She kept her head hidden in her arms or hands as she cried violently.  I comforted her little, enough for her to know I still loved her, but the tears wouldn't stop pouring down my own face, too.

That night, my mom had sent me a text message with a quote from Mother Teresa that said, "What is demanded of me in this moment for the person in front of me?"  I asked God right then and the answer was quick and succinct: "grace."  But I didn't want to hear about grace at that point.  "How many times, God?" I asked.  "That's what I've been giving her this whole time and it's clearly not working!  Whatever love and grace I gave her obviously didn't do what I thought it would."  But the quote came back again the following day.

The next morning, Ayanda spoke to me as Tenele's representative since Tenele still couldn't face me.  She said Tenele wanted to talk, so the three of us went on a walk.  Tenele handed me a letter, our greatest form of communication.  Every word I read I cried harder.  The three of us had stopped walking so I could read the letter.  When Tenele saw me crying and shaking she came over timidly and put her arms around me.  "Mama, please don't cry," she started choking up, "please, please don't cry," she begged.  I wasn't sure who I was crying harder for, Tenele or myself.  Her letter was heart-wrenching and she was weighted down with so much shame and fear.  Mother Teresa's quote came back to me and I asked God, again, what is demanded of me in this moment for Tenele.  The answer was the same he gave last night, a five letter word: grace.  Grace was demanded.  My pride and hurt had to disappear so God's grace could be granted to His child as He demanded.  I didn't want to, I fought it for a while, but finally, I put my hands on Tenele's cheeks and lifted her face so she would look at me.  "I forgive you, Tenele."

She sobbed in my arms, but it was a good sob.  It was clearly what she needed to feel restored hope.  To not result to living in shame and taking her own life as she been planning.  Things didn't change completely in that moment, but I could feel God holding both of us together.  In the days that followed, there were still battles with hopelessness and shame; she felt unworthy of being helped and told me she would leave and never see me again so I could help others instead of her.  Again, my own sweet mother, had sent me a text about Mary Magdalene and reminded me that she was one of the closest women to Jesus, one of the first to find out He had risen, and she had been a prostitute whom seven demons were cast out of her.  Tenele refused to listen to truth for awhile until I told her about Mary Magdalene.  Silent tears poured out and she found hope in knowing she, too, could be close like that to Jesus, and that her past wouldn't prevent her from being united with Christ again.

Because of the support of my dear friends, I was able to keep my own hope in a painful situation.  There was still no peace knowing that I would be separated from my child, when I had waited six years for something that was now being torn from me because of a poor decision of her own.  Because of her choices, we all would suffer part of the consequences.  I couldn't imagine living in the house without Tenele.  She was the reason, the inspiration for the home, and to have her gone would mean part of my heart would be forever missing.  I still couldn't see how anything good could come from this situation, but that's where God always seems to excel.  Where we see hopelessness and pain, He sees opportunity for his glory, and that's exactly what happened in the following days.