Hello Thirties, Hello Freedom

This stinker/sweetie used my middle name on my
cake to tease me about turning 30

I just turned 30! Eeeeeek! To be honest, I was dreading it. Thirty...not flirty (no time nor bachelors) and sometimes sinking instead of thriving. But my girls put it into perspective for me. “Most people here are thrilled to live to 30!” After being humbled, they also then gave me the best birthday party ever and I can say with joy that this year just might be the best year yet! So, YES, bring on the thirties!

My life in Swazi used to be full of stress, sacrifice, heartache, confusion, and exhaustion. If ever I was sad, upset, angry, lonely, etc., I would feel the need to escape. To get away from the girls, from the girls home, the ministry, the duties, and even Swazi. But not now. Now the girls are my comfort, my healing hugs, my delights, my joy, my go-to’s when I need pick-me-ups. I don’t need to escape anymore; now I run to them.

Recently, I’ve been told by two different visitors that the girls are transformed. “I’ve seen and been to many children’s ministries,” one Swazi woman told me, “But these girls, Mary-Kate, are different. God has formed their character. They stand apart.”

Indeed they do. And I am amazed to tears because of it. How did God choose me to be a part of this? I feel unworthy to be a part of something so miraculous. To visibly SEE and LIVE through transformations. To see miracles DAILY in the hearts of these girls. To see God turn their ashes into crowns of glory. It is impossible to meet one of these girls and NOT see or feel the presence of Jesus. Amazing.

Their performance to "Dancing Queen"

They left signs for me all
around the house!

And they made me feel just that on my birthday. Kalli had been planning my party for a month. She surprised me with a cake she bought (from saving her money from the workshop) and planned party games with balloons, water balloons, trivia, charades, and performances from all the girls. Though they certainly spoiled me, there was one present that surpassed them all.

A new creation!

One of our girls who has troubled me and stressed me and broke my heart when we had to send her to a rehab program, Teen Challenge, shared all the things she had been learning, the counseling appointments, the revelations, the freedom. Then she left me with a packet in which she had written down an extended version of her testimony. “My whole story hurt me for ages, but now I believe it’s a healing story to tell,” she said. Holding the stack of papers was like holding the hand of Jesus himself. Every word I read set my hair on edge and built tears in my eyes. The Holy Spirit has taken over this girl and spilled out into the pages. This is the greatest gift. Indeed, “There is NO greater joy than to know that my children are walking in the truth.” (3 John 1:4)

I believe God will also transform others’ lives through her inspired words. So with no further ado, enjoy the presence of Jesus in the power of these her words:

“I am a testimony, I wanna heal the heart broken. I was once lost but I am found, I had nobody until He came with his arms open wide for me to be crowned a crown of beauty. I lost peace when I was four. I was not aware, I had pain but it got lost. I was rejected, no love found…

To tell you the truth, the wounds made by sexual abuse are not surface wounds. They cut deeply. They destroy your sense of safety, your faith and your trust in love. As for my story I will express in this way: safety was falling asleep at night with the covers over my head and my hands hidden underneath, shouting, “please don’t touch me!”

To everything that has happened from me; the losing of a father, a granny, a rape, and a rejection of a mother was a lot for me to carry and also hard for me to believe that there is a God. I had a lot of questions for Him. But to all my questions there was one answer. ‘I was there, when all the things happened.’ All my bruises were washed away and scars were left to remind me that I am human. It was hard for me to believe him when I would look at myself and see the scars. But I got healed, my father healed my soul and he still is at work. I now call myself a seed of greatness. None of us in this world deserve his grace but he gives us his love and grace. I’ve gone through a lot but I chose to tell myself that whatever was said to me in the past, I’ve rejected it. The truth is I am not my past but I am a product of my past. I asked God to crucify my flesh and He did.

I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain, Jesus will straighten the crooked places in my heart and make me completely whole. When I allow him access to every area of my life I will never be the same broken person again.

I do believe there is power in praise and worship. I take it as a weapon against spiritual strongholds. My mother Mary-Kate used to say to me, ‘You must be careful about the type of music that you allow to enter your soul. If you want your body to heal, get some music that speaks healing into your body.’ By that time, though, I didn’t know. Unanointed music was my thing and I would dance to it. But guess what? Now I dance with Him! I will never stop loving Him.

But my journey to this point was nine years in the making. I deceive the habit of taking responsibility for everything that went wrong. Although this was a painful way to live, it seemed easier for me to believe that I was not lovable than to believe I was not loved. (The following are my words: WOW! I can’t believe how profound that was for her to identify that in herself and past.)

Grace and Mercy stepped into my life when I was 19. I moved to Hosea’s Heart and was surrounded by people who showed me the love of God. I found a place that was true and beautiful and gave me what I needed most: love, security, and a relationship with Jesus. It was the first time I found love.

The decision to forgive my mother and the rapist was the act of the will. I had loading the burden of shame and of being a victim long enough. I decided to choose the freedom and joy that comes from forgiveness of Jesus.

Psalm 68:19 “Blessed be the Lord who daily bears us up; God is our salvation.”

Return, Rise, Fight

I’ve been back in Swazi for a full month now. Already so much has happened! I can’t possibly summarize it in writing (nor in my head), so here are the highlights:

1)    It feels like home to me. <3 enough="" o:p="" said.="">

2)    When I returned, my mom graced me with her presence for 10 days. It was so wonderful not traveling alone for once, and it was an immense blessing to have her by my side for my first 10 days back. I think I only washed one dish the whole time she was here with me, and I didn’t have to wash or hang or fold any laundry of mine, Benji’s or Lucia’s. Oh, that was such a treat! She jumped right in to ministry and was such a champ staying up late and running around on crazy errands or last minute urgencies that ministry demands of me. I’m amazed at her strength and grace. Thank you, Mom!

3)    Two of my friends, Kirsten and Ryan, were in Swaziland while I was in the States. They helped take over my homeschooling of two high school girls. Ryan is a math teacher in the States, and the girls were amazed at everything he taught them. One of the girls told them both that they were the first people to show her that she could understand and even ENJOY math and that they helped her discover “the hero inside.” It was a gift to have friends join me on this side of the world! 

4)    The summer ambassador team was also here during the time that I was in the States, and they were an AMAZING group of young women! Kiley, a previous intern, returned to lead the team and one of the team members was an old student of mine, Liesl! Oh, what a joy! It was amazing to see the way Liesl so easily fit into life here. She even befriended one of the girls who is very apathetic and likes to keep volunteers at a distance; but she couldn’t resist sweet Liesl. Being with Kiley again was bittersweet. It was almost a tease, as it brought back incredible memories of our times together a year ago. It’s hard to explain, but life felt fuller with her here. It was hard to see another friend leave.

5)     I recently played in a basketball tournament in South Africa! My basketball team is phenomenal. They know how to work hard and play hard. They are full of laughs and hugs; they never make me feel like the odd one out. I am forever grateful for God’s gift of basketball and for this amazing team I get to be a part of.

6)    Ali and Tara, our two Project Trust volunteers who were here all year, said their goodbyes this week. There were many, many hard goodbyes, as Ali and Tara were sister-like figures the girls desperately needed this year. We had to homeschool a few of our primary level girls for different reasons with the hope that they could go back to school next year. Ali and Tara took the lead in teaching the primary-level students while I did the high school. Two of the girls were not happy that they had to be homeschooled this year. However, it’s these exact two that verbalized just last week that they prefer to stay in homeschool because they learned so much more in one year than they have in several years at regular school. Also, our 15-year-old who couldn’t read now reads aloud during bible study! We will all greatly miss Ali and Tara.

7)    Our growing team! Lora, our new intern, arrived in Swazi while I was in the States. So I had the divine pleasure of meeting her and getting to know her this past month. Rachel Palmberg, who was our intern last year opted to stay with us for the next year as well! I am so thrilled to have them both onsite. We await another intern, Alyssa, who arrives next week, AND we get to add a fifth member to the team in October when Brittine returns to be our house sister! Wow! Five years ago… FIVE years ago I said a prayer—okay, actually, I was somewhat angrily scribbling out my frustrations to God in my journal—and I asked, “Where is the TEAM? I feel like you are calling me to an impossible task, because I cannot do this alone. I need a team!” Little did I know God was well-prepared for what I needed before I even said it. Over these past years, God has built an incredible base team in the States and is now building an incredible onsite team as well, which also includes an American family, the MacLellan’s who volunteer their time and energy and wisdom and love to pour into our ministry.

8)    Lastly, we celebrated umtfwana wami’s birthday today! While writing her a birthday letter, it occurred to me that at this exact time, on her birthday one year ago, she was still in the streets (by her choice), but God was about to bring her home. Over the course of seven years, she had proven true what many people had originally told me, “Once a prostitute, always a prostitute,” “Don’t exhaust yourself on one person,” “She’s not worth it,” “She’ll keep running away.” She did all those things. But the Voice of Truth still won me over. The voice that says, “The Lord sets prisoners free” (Psalm 146:7), and “Return to the Lord…I will heal their defection, I will love [her] freely…[she] will blossom like the lily,” (Hosea 14:2,5-6) and lastly:   

What man among you having one hundred sheep and losing ONE of them would not leave the ninety-nine in the desert and go after the lost ONE until he finds it? And when he does find it, he sets it on his shoulders with great joy and, upon his arrival home, he calls together his friends and neighbors and says to them, ‘Rejoice with me because I have found my lost sheep.’ In just the same way there will be more joy in heaven over ONE sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous people who have no need of repentance. (Luke 15:2-7)

Indeed she had returned! She had been found and redeemed and restored. She had been set upon His shoulders and then mine with great joy, and it still brings me to tears. One year ago. In September of last year, she returned for good. I’ve never spent this much time with her before, because when faced with the fight or flight in the past, she always chose flight. But not anymore. She’s here to stay, she’s here to fight. Actually, while I was in the States I had a vision of her. She was crumpled down in the middle of a battlefield, her head huddled to her knees, her knees on the ground. An angel came to her and lifted up her chin. “Rise, child, and fight,” he told her. That was the end of the vision. But its meaning is everlasting. It’s her time. She’s no longer the wounded one on the battlefield, the one without hope, the one left for abuse. She’s now the fighter, the one called to heal others, to mend, to give. And she has! With a recent job she got as a cook, she’s been saving money from her job and giving it to people in need. It’s incredible to watch the way that Grace has changed this girl’s life from the inside out in the most magnificent, yet simple ways. Oh, indeed, we have MUCH to celebrate on her birthday! A day that once brought pain and anger, as she was rejected by her birth mother, but now a day we celebrate because even so God CHOSE her. And God somehow chose me to pursue her. I’m not deserving of this life-altering journey He has called me to nor am I equipped on my own, yet still He calls to me, he calls to you: "Rise, child, and fight." It's time.