Let it Hurt

[There’s this movie I once watched about boxing, and the boxer was advised to take a hit. Let the guy hit him. Why would someone open themselves up to that kind of blow, that kind of pain? Because after taking the blow, the opponent is also left exposed and can then be taken out even quicker. Sometimes, for best results, you gotta let it hurt first.]

One of the positives of being forced to miss church is hosting our own services at home. I’ve morphed into “Pastor Frances” for the past 4 Sundays, and I’ve probably grown more than my “congregation.” The girls love that I’m not “me” on Sundays but take on a different persona (my twin). I talk in an accent (for as long as possible) and make them laugh. They like playing it up, too, and say, “Hey Pastor Frances, if you’re not Mama Kate, how come you’re wearing her clothes?” So I have to tell them that twins obviously always have the same clothes, and that Mama Kate is resting.  

Despite how mentally draining it can be to plan, preach and lead service (huge shout out to all the priests and pastors who did this daily and weekly – wow, I never knew how exhausting it can be though so beautiful and powerful!), it has been some of my favorite moments of the year. I come alive. And I’ve already seen dry bones rise! I lock eyes with the girls and see sparks for the first time, or reignited fires as the Word of God comes to life. I see honesty, vulnerability, and most of all hunger in their thirsty hearts. They have been embracing the Word of God in amazing ways, and there’s no way I can remain unchanged by this. Their fire is my fire, just as much as mine is theirs. Of course, I’m not a great preacher, as I’m naturally a better teacher. So my “sermons” are filled with questions to my audience/congregation, of which I embrace the awkward silences until there is proper participation. J I use the whiteboard, I use symbols, figurative and literary meanings of the readings, and I always, always ask for the theme that links all the readings together. Or like, today, I simply present the theme upfront and ask them to connect the dots between the readings (we use the Mass readings where there is an Old Testament reading, a Psalm, a New Testament Scripture, and finally one of the Gospels. It’s amazing how the entire Scripture is linked together as One, and it’s been so fun having the girls find the connections themselves).

Today’s theme was: “Be fruitful and multiply” (but in a figurative sense). We read Gen 1:28-31, Psalm 67, Galatians 6:7-9, Mark 4:1-20, and Matt 28:16-20, talking mostly about the Parable of the Sower. We discussed the four levels of ground: the path, the rocky ground, the thorns, and the rich soil. We discussed what keeps us in those levels or what prevents us from moving on; we talked about the why, about what it means to bear fruit, and what is our mission/vision in life. How can we fully be the women God is calling us to be? One response really stuck out to me. One girl offered her analysis that she is finally on the rich soil, and she said,

“I’ve overcome all those stages recently (path, rocks, thorns). Last year I had so many problems. But I just allowed myself to hurt through it, and my rich soil is now a product of those problems and even pain. Today I’m on higher ground.”

Can you believe a 15-year-old said this? And she is right to say last year was a huge struggle for her behavior-wise. She dropped and declined rapidly, but like she said, instead of running from the pain or hiding her mistakes, she faced them and admitted her failures. And because of that, she is like a new person this year. A quiet yet powerful leader among the girls, one who has recently embraced the name “shepherd,” saying she knows God has sheep for her somewhere just like she is my sheep. I was stunned. So much power, so much hope, so much future is growing right here before my eyes. And the sheep becomes the shepherd and reminds me why I’m here and how I’m constantly a growth in progress myself.

You see, I needed her words today, her reminder about “letting it hurt” and “being the product of the pain” after getting through the problems. All too often, especially last year, I would get so easily angered; it was my defense system because I was weak from burnout. My healthy defenses were down and worn, so I resulted to unhealthy ones like anger and pride. I didn’t want to get hurt anymore, so instead I would get angry, frustrated to keep myself from feeling the pain. But this year, I’ve been asking God to help me do what this 15-year-old has done, and face the pain, letting it hurt. And oh, can it hurt.

I’ve recently been hurt by someone who claimed to want to serve me and the ministry no matter the cost, but things changed quickly and when he was confronted, he resulted in backlash. He said the worst things I’ve heard from anyone in all my life. He didn’t just turn on me, he also turned on the ministry (which he was serving) and the girls themselves, accusing me of failing them and failing the ministry as a whole. Who are you to teach about singleness? He sneered. Look at your own girls who have babies or boyfriends, etc. They’ve failed, and so have you. To be honest, it’s not the first time I’ve been seen as a failure in my own ministry, or among those who were called to support me or the mission. Sometimes, Satan can be so sneaky that he turns the very people who are supposed to be your supports to be the ones who betray, doubt, deny, and walk away. Just ask Jesus about Judas. And Peter. And Thomas. That hurts. That hurts like you can’t believe. Betrayal can hurt so deeply. And it can make us bitter. And bitter is exactly where the enemy wants us. Bitter is where the thorns grow until they choke off our ability to bear fruit. Last year I was bitter. Bitter about betrayal, bitter at God, that why does doing the right thing usually result in more pain? I learned, as Lecrae says, to “switch those letters” from bitter to better. But that can only happen if I just simply let it hurt.

So I’ve recently been praying, “God, help me let it hurt so that I don’t get angry. I’m tired of being my own defender. I have one enemy/one accuser (Satan). I have One Defender (Jesus), and He is Enough. Let His Love be enough.”

This experience has come at a perfect time, because the girls have been going through a stage of wanting revenge, as well as this attitude of “I don’t care.” It’s also their defense. It’s better to not care so that it doesn’t hurt. They say. But if we don’t hurt, we don’t get to experience love and healing and wholeness! And if we don’t care, we will miss the mission God has for us! So, to help them walk towards freedom, I needed to walk through a lot of heartbreak and disappointment over the last couple years and show them, like the 15-year-old, that I am a better woman today because of it; that I allowed myself to hurt through it (instead of retaliate nor revenge) and my rich soil is now a product of those problems and even pain.  That I am rich soil. Rich in mercy, tenderness, grace, joy, and hope! And on that ground, it's easy to see that the betrayals now or in the past weren't intended, there was no evil plan to hurt me, the words as weapons were sent in moments of weakness and hurt, and that people are genuinely good. And just like that, I can let it go...because I first let it hurt. 

So let us remember to embrace the pain. But don’t hold it. Let it be the compost that makes your soil even richer. We are all still growing. And one day, we can all be testimonies of the trials we’ve overcome and in doing so bring more and more into heaven with us. That we would be successful in the command to “be fruitful and multiply!”  

  

Love and Basketball

Love  

I’m falling in love again. And it’s deep and real and rooted.

It’s bringing back layers of color – a thousand varieties of the green that expanses the landscape from mountain trees to bushy hills to each different blade of grass;

a hundred rays of light escaping out of one holey heavenly cloud;

newly discovered hues of blues that touch from East to West and horizon to heaven;

and uncountable winking stars from the brush-stroked Milky Way at night.

Falling in love like this is like a new breath of life, a pain killer. It gives me the ability to hurt, to let my heart get hurt but with the promise that nothing can break it. The kind of love that enables me to face the countless disappointments on a daily basis and get over it by the next morning. The kind of love that isn’t a bandaid or a replacement, but the kind that digs below the wound, squeezes the pus out (sorry for the visual), and isn’t afraid to hurt. For the purpose of true healing.

If you’re still wondering, this falling in love I’m talking about is with a real person. I’m not talking about basketball, I’m not talking about Jesus. J

I’ve fallen in love with me.

And by me, I don’t mean the worldly kind of “love yourself.” I mean the deep, ugly, squeeze the yuck out of your deepest wounds and in humility learn to like who you are. As I’ve recently learned to love myself again, it has brought color, life, fearlessness, newness, freedom, and a life-is-too-short-to-stay-disappointed attitude, and an eternal perspective. A friend recently shared a resource from Harmony Grillo called The Guide to Emotionally Healthy Leadership, and in it was one statement that truly convicted me: “Remember to take care of the one person you are solely responsible for: you!” Too often, I would complain to God that He’s asking too much of me or I would whimper, When is it my turn, Lord? Who is there to take care of me?  I didn’t realize the answer was here all along: me!

“Do you like the person you are becoming?” the resource guide asked. Another question to clarify that self-care is not the worldly type but the kind with personal conviction. If I didn’t like myself, how did I expect to find joy in all the things I was doing let alone being?

Another assistance to this falling in love again was actually my own story Never Been Kissed. (You can purchase your own copy here, as all proceeds go to Hosea's Heart: https://hoseasheart.org/support-type/books/)
I’ve been reading through it with the girls in home school literature classes. Rereading my own story with chapter discussion questions has reminded me of so many truths I have recently ignored. Even as simple as “rather than spending my time finding the one, work on becoming the one!”

So, I’m doing just that – dedicating 2020 to a year of committed singleness, where I take care of the one person I am truly responsible for and let God handle the rest! I trust God entirely with my future, and I know My Father is going to bless this year as He is preparing His Daughter Bride for the one He chooses to give me away to. He is a God who makes all things new.

Basketball 

Who knew basketball could be so healing, so unifying? The sport is so much about self-discovery as well as selflessness. I get the first-hand experience to see how this sport has transformed an entire ministry, from the youngest to the oldest and everyone in-between! I mean everyone including myself. [Thank you PlayBold team for the court! A gift that goes beyond the time and finances you dedicated to build for us!] I’ve watched the girls transform, not just in their athletic abilities, but in their communication skills, in their work ethic, in their attitudes, and in their unity. Where there once used to be fights and arguments, tears and storming off the court, slamming doors, or curse words exchanged between girls, there is nothing of the like. Instead there are high fives, encouragements, silent lips when frustrated, and letting the younger ones score or the new ones have enough playing time.

One of my highlights of the entire year is the basketball game we had on our family outdoor court today. It involved every single one of us! From our youngest (6 years old) to our oldest (including the house moms!!), we all played in 4 teams of 5, and it was remarkable. The cheering, the competition along with the laughter was extraordinary. I cannot put into words what this felt like. It is something I have never experienced before. The comradery of 22 people coming from different backgrounds and bloodlines forming ONE FAMILY. Having a family of 22 playing a competitive sport and no one getting angry, too competitive or too lazy? Unheard of! The way some of the girls who normally aren’t as talented (or are just plain lazy) played and scored and ran – wow. If these girls had the same opportunities my students back in America had, they would be on scholarships, free rides or partially sponsored to colleges or beyond. The talent here is incredible. But more than that, it’s their hearts.

I can only melt at the honor that despite all my weaknesses and insecurities, He still chose me to come and cultivate their hearts, to prepare a place for many of His daughters who will in their own unique ways change the world. As Wonder Woman herself says, “I used to want to save the world. But then I glimpsed the darkness that lives in their light. Now I know that only love can truly save the world. So I stay, I fight, and I give. This is my mission… forever.”

I’ve indeed fallen in love again, because He first loved me.

-1 John 4:19

Finding A New Normal

This week, for the first time in the past six years, I’m doubting my ability to live here long term. There’s no way. This will never work. I’ve been saying. 

In the last six years, I’ve walked through nightmares with the girls, battled in court, battled face to face with demons, and have felt like I’ve seen it all. But nothing is killing me like this heat!

I know it sounds silly, and I’m half being humorous, but seriously… I’ve never faced an enemy like heat before! Now I understand the horror of “burning in hell.” I can hardly last in this ‘heavenly heat’ on earth.

Moving from the city to our land has been a huge adjustment – a transition I didn’t know would be this difficult. Not just the heat, but the inconsistent electricity, the refusal to cook anything because I can’t bear to light the oven let alone one burner. I’ve even fallen out of rhythm of my spiritual disciplines, like journaling every night. I used to journal every night before bed – Jesus gets my last words, letting Him know He’s still my One and Only. But doing that here means bugs come in like crazy (to the light), and by bugs I mean the worst kinds. Even at dinner, when we are trying to eat, moths, bugs, beetles are flying in through the windows sometimes pelting my own food! YUCK! There is no happy alternative. Shutting the windows is impossible because doing so would mean living in a sauna. My house is already the hottest one on the land, so I cannot bear shutting the window. Imagine humid heat when the sun has already gone down, just soaking up the living room like a giant elephant. Even the fans aren’t enough.

Getting time alone as well is just as difficult. The girls do a great job respecting my house/space/boundaries, but I still have Ben and Lu of course and a full time nanny with a 4 month old baby. Sometimes I just want to nap without noise or sit in front of the fan without being interrupted. Sometimes I just desperately need my alone time. And at the land – this is practically impossible. (Which is why I’m currently at a lodge writing this now.)

When I was Stateside, I had these great plans for defending my time, balancing my life and work, charting my hours and making sure I have a day off during the week. But it is so hard to maintain here, and I get so frustrated when I can’t simply keep a schedule. I would love to be able to spend more time with the girls  - sitting and doing puzzles, playing games, shooting hoops, going on walks, but there are just so many people to love including myself.

The physical stress and struggle wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have the emotional magnitudes to deal with in a ministry like this. Cases where current girls are in danger and we wonder if we are, too. Cases that we know will still take years to get to court. The emotional burdens of damaged trust that the girls continue to carry. The dark and evil situations/people that haunt the girls even well after they’ve been put in safety. The emotional stress is enough on its own, so mixed with the physical, you can see why I’m wilting.  

I still teach at the college, but I am done in just two weeks, so I’m looking forward to this extra time to hopefully give me balance again in my schedule. Morning quiet times. Studying siSwati. Playing guitar. Writing. Drawing. Painting. Lunches with the girls and afternoon activities; leading devotions and worship. Then evenings at home with Ben and Lu. Watching “I Love Lucy” episodes (that my brother Garret so thoughtfully bought me for Christmas)! A good 30 minute giggle to end the evening. And a routine of reflection and journaling in my War Room. Oh a glorious life is still coming! <3 o:p="">

So I’m finding a new normal. Realizing bugs are just gonna be a part of my normal visitors for dinners. That I can let my tears come simply because I’m just too hot, and that’s normal. That I will have to find other creative ways to fight the heat. (I’m planting some trees along the side of my house where the sun rises, because I get piercing rays of heat into my windows in the morning, and even the wall stays hot to the touch until evening.) And that I just may have to keep going away on weekends to get alone time until I can manage a better schedule for myself onsite. Better to sacrifice time away and keep myself whole then to keep wilting to needs that will always be there daily.

As I look ahead, I have to laugh at my initial There’s no way I live here long term! complaints. There’s too much to live for! I’ve also recently connected with a South African events manager who loves our mission and is dedicated to helping us in any way he can. He’s bringing some professional musicians to us to help train the girls, and we are forming an official Hosea’s Heart choir! The larger dream is to include drama, poetry, dancing, and inspirational speaking as a whole production that we can end up traveling to different countries, spreading the Gospel of Hope through even the darkest of stories and situations.

It’s looking ahead that will always help us manage our current and past struggles. It’s in looking ahead where I realize I will never have “normal” here on earth – only new normals at every different season. And that is exciting!

So where are you looking?

“Where there is no vision, people perish.” –Proverbs 29:18

Please consider blessing me by praying for:

-       Our new choir and for professional training for the girls in voice, dance, drama, etc.

-       Provisions for air conditioners and a car :P

-       Provisions for Hosea’s Heart to build a school

-       For my physical health and seeing an allergist about my incessant sneezing and runny nose

-       For my future husband and that I worry more about preparing myself for him rather than him fixing himself for me

-       For all those who are volunteering for/with Hosea’s Heart and donating their time and talent, specifically: Hannah, Amelia, Garret, Tony, Kiley, McKenzie, Harold, Bonolo, and Kuruka.

-       For my new normal to be exciting and endurable as I find a balance between Ben and Lu, the girls, our new expansive staff, the grads who still need Mom, my nanny, outreach for others, umntfwana wami, my friends back home, my friends here, and ME time, too <3 o:p="">

 

You'll hear plenty more about Harold!

With the blessing of a bus, comes the price of paying a bus driver!
However, Bonolo is doing it for Hosea's Heart for free and also participating
in some of the activities, like this prayer walk in town. 

2015.... and then... (Below)

2020!!!!! Garret and Tony's legacy continues!

My bathroom visitor (crying faces)

Kiley's visit is always cray cray ;) <3 td="">

When Papa Smiles - Finding Heaven in my Journal

4 August 2019

Dear Beloved:

What you are doing now – though you do not yet understand – is adding riches to your storehouse I have prepared for you. The storms you are in – the burnout, the heartbreak, the self-hatred, the battle of loss of relationship, grieving your dream of marriage, rejection of those you hold most dear, etc. – are simply opportunities to access the gifts deep within your innermost being. They are not failures nor weaknesses, but muscles that need exercising. What you are doing now for Me is not to gain something for you. Don’t obey just for the hope of getting what you want; rather, submit for the promise of heavenly treasures yet to come!

            I’m not asking you to submit to someone else or let yourself feel unworthy, hopeless, or used. I know you are angry. You told me at church this morning. Thank you for your honesty. But I didn’t lie to you. I have never led you astray. Nothing has changed – only improved! See what I am doing for you – a new thing!

            Your submission, your silence, your fasting, your prayers, your obedience, and your tears – they are not nor will they ever be wasted. Instead…

            Armies are gathered,

            Battles are won,

            Lies are destroyed,

            Demons defeated,

            Angels rejoice,

            Victory abounds,

            and Your Papa smiles upon you, Kate

                                                                        every time you surrender.

So, take it one day at a time.

You are enough. You have enough. I Am enough.

Love,

Papa

---------------------------------------------------

8 August 2019

Wonderful Counselor, do you see what mess this is? Why am I so confused?

Sweet Seeker,

            It’s not as messy as you think. Seek to understand before you seek to be understood. Forgive before you are forgiven. Surrender is what pleases God, but not your anger. Let go of your anger. Abandon your wrath, and then you will see.

            God has already established his will. And He even reminded you He hasn’t changed. He did His part; now it’s yours. You do have choices. You always have a choice. What will you choose to believe? Because your actions flow from your beliefs.

            I know you’re angry; I know he has given up – but it is moreso on himself than on you. I know you feel rejected and unworthy. But you can choose to believe you are or you can choose to let those feelings and thoughts go. You can choose to believe the negative or focus on the positive. You can choose to be wild or you can choose to be wise. I know your wild side is rising as your anger is aroused. Revenge or wishing another to suffer makes you an accuser. No one needs another accuser, and neither do you. Let Wisdom lead. Choose wisely. Choose soon.

Love,

Wonderful Counselor

 ---------------------------------------------------

29 Sept 2019

            You are righteous,

            so I don’t need to be “right.”

            You are peace,

            so I can breathe deeply.

            You are Hope,

            so I can smile even when it hurts.

            You are Abba – My Father

                        Eloah – My Living Water

                        Jehovah-Raah – My Shepherd

                        Hosea – My Redeemer

            You are Who and What I need in every season.

            Jesus, in my dry season be my rain, Eloah.

            Even in your silence, be my Hope.

            Make me your Delight, your Darling, your Lamb

            For, I will not let go until you bless me.

Love,

All of me

Sweat the Small Stuff

-->

            “Mama, are you okay? Have you been crying?”

            Indeed, my eyes held a pool of tears. A drop of sweat simultaneously fell down the side of my face along my jawbone.

            “No, no,” I rubbed my swelled up, puffy eye and the pooled tears streamed down my cheek. “Well, maybe this is my body’s way of crying about this heat though!” I wiped my eyebrow which had started glistening with sweat as well.

            “Aw, shem. Sorry Mom. Yeah, I can see your eyes are swollen again. And wow you really do sweat a lot!”

            “And it’s only 7:30 in the morning!”

I remember in high school when I played basketball, my face would get red and I’d sweat a lot. In fact, it was so much that my friends started calling it the “drip drips.” I would be lined up for a free throw and drops of sweat would drip from the hair tucked behind my ears to the floor. I used to think that was the most I could ever sweat. I was wrong.

My first week back to Swazi I experienced a shock I’ve never had before: heat without electricity. I had moved from the city to my new house on the girls home property just 3 days before I was Stateside for my 3 month furlough. So, I hardly “lived” in it until I came back.

But it is now in the heart of summer. And, coming from the Wisconsin winter, I was far from prepared to endure heat without air conditioning, let alone a FAN! Not having electricity also means no cold water. I mean, can you imagine sweating in the heat and not even being able to drink a glass of cold water? The water coming out of our faucets are either hot, warm, or at best gently cool in the evening, but certainly far from cold. No electricity means no way to keep food cold either. It means no fans – not in the day and not at night when I’m trying to sleep but can’t because it’s still 90 degrees at midnight. I woke up one morning at 3 a.m. with a pool of liquid on my pillow – not drool, but sweat. Yuck!

Luckily, though, I didn’t have to go without electricity for too long as I’ve been able to run a generator for half days and nights. But even with a fan, this heat has been unbearable. My eyes are still swelling and I have skin rashes. The bugs are something else, too. Not mosquitos in this particular area (maybe it’s even too hot for them!), but many other biting bugs I wish I could go without. I have to wait to shower until evening time when the water coming out of the pipes is cool (no hot water for showers or baths, but that’s okay for now because it’s way too hot for that!) so that when I get out of the shower, I can stop sweating. That’s 9 p.m. Basically I sweat from 7 a.m. when I rise to 9 p.m. before I go to sleep in front of a fan.

Yet, even with my skin rashes, my swollen eyes, the bug bites, and the constant sweat, I am so happy. So so happy. After the first week of intense 100 degree heat, I nearly cried like a toddler throwing a fit because I just couldn’t handle it. But then I said a prayer, asked others to pray for me, and decided to change my attitude. There’s no way I can change the heat, so might as well change my attitude! So instead, I decided to play basketball with the girls in the 94 degree heat at 5 p.m. If I’m gonna sweat, might as well do it for a reason! I spend time in my air conditioned car – the best few minutes of relief! And I have the generator so I can have cold water and even ice! But my joy is not really about that. There is something deeper, better, stronger that is anchoring me. I am full. My cup is full and overflowing! I am ME!

My 3 month furlough started out rough, but the second half was a dream come true. I remember waking up one morning, opening my eyes and being filled with a sense of satisfaction I haven’t felt in a long, long time. I smiled, put my toes on my carpeted bedroom floor and said, “Kate’s back!”

It’s a feeling I cannot describe, but one I never want to lose again. Genuine joy. Gratefulness for the small things. A sense of loving myself again. I remember last year thinking and even telling others that I already feel bad for my future husband – poor guy, he’d have his hands full marrying a girl like me in a ministry like this! But now? Whoever he is, he is a lucky fella if he happens to win my heart and to be counted in among the strong hearts of this Hosea family.

When I left the States, I was full and fully me again. I had spent time and time and time again with family and friends who filled me. I got to live with my parents for 3 months, which at first was a bit of a challenge and adjustment, but was undoubtedly my greatest blessing. My mom and dad are my pillars, and they spoiled me with love, encouragement, and blessing. Telling me over and over how great it was to have me home and how hard it is to watch me leave again. I also have the most remarkable friends. You know it’s true what they say about choosing your friends wisely. I somehow happened to have the best women in the world to circle and support me. When I came home from some visits with friends in different cities, my mom could even see a visible difference. “You are so blessed to have friends like that,” she’d tell me. “I can see how much they fill you.”

And now that I’m back in Eswatini, back in my very first home, I am still full. 2020 is going to be the best year yet. I know this because of how it started (and how 2019 ended). I arrived in Eswatini on New Year’s Eve, and I surprised the girls with a sleepover at our local church. The screams and the way the ran to greet me was enough love to last a lifetime. Enough affirmation to know this is exactly where I’m supposed to be. Their hugs were home. And we continued the night with worship that was unlike any other. We ended 2019 with unity, praise, and love, and we proclaimed goodness yet to come.

And in the first two weeks of 2020, amazing things already happened. Two more girls graduated, four girls are now currently in college, and we will get two more new girls next week! I’ve been able to reconnect with umntfwana wami and already hosted my friends for our monthly game nights in my new house (and luckily, it was the coldest day we’ve had thus far)! Lastly, I have the most amazing nanny who did an incredible job in my absence and continues to help around the house and with the kids while I adjust to the heat and bugs.

2020 – My Cup Overflows