No Regrets

There was no way she could have known. In fact, no one knew. It was my own personal battle. Flesh vs. the spirit, and the flesh was beginning to win. She couldn’t have known. But I know my Father did.

She sent me this text: “Woke up today and just wanted to thank you! One of the things you’ve taught me is to take purity seriously… Listen, you didn’t just teach me, you’ve lived in purity… I’ve seen you choose to honor God over your feelings. You’re human and I know there are days you wanna be with a man but you’ve clung to the truth. Maybe you thought you were doing it for you but you were also doing it for me, too. It’s not easy to be different, but it’s doable. Trust me, you are doing just what God sent you to do. Love you!”

Without knowing, this daughter of mine sent this to me while I was in the midst of an internal battle and seasons of intense temptation. Sometimes God speaks to us so loudly you can’t miss it. This was one of those moments. As if He had a megaphone, He reminded me of my why. And like the Bible says, “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” -1 Cor 10:13

There was a moment when I felt so bombarded by desire, it was in my dreams and day dreams. It felt like there was no other way to make it go away than to just give in. “I’m only feeling this way because it’s all this built up tension and desire, so if I just do this one thing, then the temptation will go away and I’ll be satisfied.” I was so close to believing that lie that it shook me.

One day during the midst of this internal battle, we had decided to do a fast and prayer night as a family. But I was offsite. So I wanted to join them my own way from afar. I opened to Isaiah randomly and found a Scripture on true sacrifice that the Lord desires. I asked the Lord, “What do you want me to give up?” A name came immediately. The name of this guy I’d been fantasizing about. The one I was becoming dangerously close to doing something that I knew I’d regret later. “Lord, not him. Ask me something else.” But He didn’t. I’ve learned the hard way not to argue with God when I’m the one who asked Him the question to begin with. But I argued anyway. I bargained. How about this as long as there’s no that. But the truth was we both knew where this was going to lead to that. Then the message from my daughter popped into my head. God used it to remind me that my battles aren’t just for me but for my girls, too.  I eventually gave in. Not with a great heart, though. Fine! You always expect too much of me! I said as if I were slamming the door in my parents’ face as a teenager. Grumbling like the Israelites in the desert, I pulled out my journal and rewrote my promise to God. I wrote out what I was giving up. Then I wrote a message to the person He was asking me to give up and cut off any chance for more than brotherly admiration.

To my surprise, the moment I pressed “enter” and sent the text, I felt like my spirit elevated. My slumped shoulders stood tall. I felt a relief in my chest. I felt like a haze had immediately disappeared with the snap of a finger. I could see clearly!

What a liar! I chuckled at myself for entertaining the voice that kept whispering in my ear, “It won’t lift until you at least try it. Just do this, not that. Otherwise this struggle is just gonna keep getting worse!”

Liar. I spoke to that whisper. It didn’t get worse. Now that I said, “No,”(instead of compromises of maybe) I feel the best I’ve felt in a whole month!

“Wow, God. What was I about to do? How was I actually contemplating these things and entertaining these voices?” I used to identify the lie so easily, so quickly, but this time I made a few compromises, and the voice of the liar got louder and louder. It was never about my passion or my desires. It was about my faith. Did I trust God? Wasn’t the sin of the Fall of Man about this lack of trust? Eve entertained the liar, lacking trust in God her Father, that He had her BEST intentions at His heart.

For those moments, that month or so, I didn’t trust God had my best intentions. It felt unfair. It felt like I had waited “long enough.” It felt like others are enjoying the passion of flesh, why can’t I? It felt like He was expecting too much from me. And on the other side, I indulged in movies and scenes and thoughts and daydreams that were far from having my best intentions at heart. So getting rid of this increasing desire felt more and more impossible. “It won’t go away until you try it.” The liar said, and I believed – momentarily.  

But then that’s the crazy thing about obedience. I asked God only one question. Lord, what do you want me to give up? The answer came so quickly, it was as if talking to my own father face to face. When I obeyed – even though I didn’t want to – something changed. Isn’t that what happened with Abraham? He obeyed and it changed history! Mary, she obeyed, and it changed history! You and I? YES, our simple obedience changes everything. Obedience unlocked the heaviness around me; it was obedience that set me free, not disobedience (it won’t go away until you try it). Feeding my desire to get rid of the feeling, the liar sunk in knowing very well he could twist my thinking with the “good” outcome of “getting rid of the desire.” Too bad for him, fasting and prayer are a regular part of our Christian walk. And it is this very practice – fasting and prayer – that saved me from myself.

I wrote in my journal later Psalm 37:23-23 “The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in Him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord holds onto his hand.”  And then asked the Lord to purify me and turn my passion into purity because I am weak with want to give in to the flesh. “Jesus, my Savior, help me run from sin and not towards temptation. Deliver me from my very own flesh.”

And He said, “My grace is sufficient for you, my Daughter. Just don’t let go of my Hand.”

 And He gave me incredible moments of celebrating the most BEAUTIFUL hands of my own daughters decorated by purity rings! After going through a 7 week series on relationships from my good friend, a local pastor’s wife, a number of our teenage girls took pledges of purity and made public declarations in which they were prayed over and celebrated! One of the girls who had struggled to believe she was ever worth redeeming and that the word purity itself made her want to spit it out of her mouth confessed after the 7-week-series that she learned the difference between purity and virginity; that virginity can be taken by force and is not always the person’s choice, but that purity is a commitment that will always be a choice.

Our world wants to make purity look impossible or "beneath" our humanity. But it's an elevation of spirit and more than possible. It's a simple, daily choice.