Who's Face is on the Dollar?

It's been quite the whirlwind of emotions and events since I've stepped back onto home soil. Now back for a little over two months, you'd think I'd be in routine and settled back into culture. But that's the thing about a missions trip like this, we aren't meant to "settle back" but to push forward. So though I've settled in different ways, there are still things that don't settle, one being my stomach.

Well, aside from digestive issues, my stomach has a difficult time settling back into a culture that takes so many things for granted. And many things make me sick to my stomach sometimes. For instance, my family took a trip out to North Carolina to visit my brother. We went out to eat one night at a grill restaurant on the coast. In other circumstances (meaning before going to Swazi) the place would've been amusing, much like it is supposed to be for tourists, however, I did all I could to choke down the emotions of disgust as we sat down to eat.

The place was decorated with dollar bills. Real dollar bills, hundreds, no...thousands of dollar bills covered the walls and ceilings, all dollars people left behind or signed or wrote phrases on and pinned them up. I could feel my body heat up from the inside out. As my family members looked and talked about different dollar bills and funny sayings, I fumed with bitterness and disgust. When I saw the dollar bills, I didn't see Washington's face, instead I saw Johannes'. One dollar would cover Johannes' bus fare to school and back, a fare he can't otherwise afford to pay and sometimes couldn't get to school if a friend, sibling, or loving neighbor doesn't have a few rand to lend him. I saw Tenele's face, and Khanysile's and Tiny's...I saw the faces of the prostitute girls in Matsapa who sell their bodies over and over for five measly dollar bills. While this restaurant was filled with them, I couldn't help but voice my urge to rip down all the bills and take off running. I wanted to scream, "What a waste! Do you know you could save a life with all this money? Do you know you could send a child to school with these dollars bills? Do you know you could keep a 14 year old girl out of prostitution for one night with a handful of these bills?!" I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, I felt like throwing up. To see dollar bills sitting there as decorations when there are children who would do ANYTHING, even sell their bodies, for a few off the wall.

People often forget and ask which president is on which bill or coin. I used to know this well...but not anymore. I don't see them or remember which bill has who's face; instead I see the faces of my children, and a brick drops to the bottom of my gut. I feel ashamed of our culture, our carelessness of money, and ashamed of myself, seeing how easily it was for me to point out how other people recklessly spend their money, but ignoring the fact that I do, too.

One dollar used to be just that...a dollar. Money for a soda, for something off McD's dollar menu or a 99 cent bottle of water. But now it's much more than that. One dollar is one face. one child. one heart. one hand I can help. One dollar is a face I will never forget.

Miracles -- His Power Made Perfect

Psalm 146:1-7

Praise the Lord my soul. I will praise the Lord all my life; sing praise to my God while I live. Put no trust in princes, in mere mortals POWERLESS to save. When their spirit departs, they return to the earth and their planning comes to nothing. Blessed are those whose help is in the God of Jacob, whose HOPE is in the Lord their God.
He is the maker of heaven and earth, the sea and everything in them--he remains faithful forever. He upholds the cause of the oppressed and gives food to the hungry. The Lord SETS prisoners FREE...

As hard and heartbreaking as it is for me to be away from my children, specifically Tenele, it has been truly amazing! I have been able to hear about God's work in her life while I'm gone and to know that His miracles go on! Like this passage from Psalm 147 (which is one I recited and prayed for Tenele over and over while I was in Swazi) I am a mere mortal POWERLESS to save. Though may prayer and ache for Tenele is for her to be set free, to be saved, loved, and cared for, it is also humbling to know that I CANNOT do these things for her. She cannot put her trust solely in me. Looking back at the year, I realize the biggest progress I made with Tenele was teaching her about love and teaching her to trust again. At one point, when I tried introducing another woman who could help her, Tenele said to me, "No, Mary-Kate, God gave me only you." She could only trust me. She didn't trust anyone else. But that won't help her when I'm gone. So I encouraged her to trust the Lord, not me, and know that He will bring her other help.

I prayed hard that Tenele would continue to seek help, to go to the volunteer house even though I had left, and to go to the clinic with Alex, a volunteer I put in charge of Tenele's clinic documents. June 2nd was her first appointment after I had gone. She didn't show up. When I had called Ayanda's cell phone through skype (another volunteer and I left our cell phones for the kids) I had spoken to Tenele once while she was crying. It shattered my heart, hearing her cry, something that was rare to begin with, but being so far away I could literally do NOTHING to help. She ran away from Mangwaneni. I was worried and I my heart was heavy. I prayed a lot. She didn't show up to her June 2nd appointment. When Alex tried to find her at Mangwaneni she was already gone.

I was helpless, but hopeful, and that's right where God wanted me...so He could show me his power, so He could show us all that He works through our weaknesses to show His strength, to remind me that apart from Him I can do nothing good (Ps 16:2) and that MY plans come to nothing if they are not of His. God used this perfect moment, the moment of helplessness but hopefulness in his grace and power, to work his miracles. And work he did!

Before I knew it, volunteers updated me on the amazing happenings of "umtfwana wami" my child, Tenele! She came back to Mangwaneni. Not only that, but she traveled BY HERSELF to seek help at the volunteer house. She NEVER did this while I was there. Sure, she came to the house and would come to meet me but NEVER alone! NEVER on her own! (She was always too scared to go anywhere alone, and rightly so, because men in town knew her and would mess with her.) So you know what she did? She took her neighbor's baby, and wrapped the baby around her back and walked all the way through town on her own to the volunteer house! She waited outside until one of the volunteers came. Hanna, the volunteer who saw her was shocked beyond belief. "Tenele?!" she squealed. Tenele smiled shyly and then Hanna invited her in.

Alex and Hanna and Eilidh all chatted with her for awhile. Alex told Tenele she missed her clinic appointment so they needed to go in sometime. Tenele nodded and arranged with Alex to meet her the following week for the appointment. Sure enough, Tenele was there and ready to go! After her appointment, Alex took her to the grocery store to buy food because she was still very, very skinny, her belly not showing anything and the doctor said she should've been showing 12 centemeters by then. So Alex bought her eggs and fruits. I was so thrilled! It feels like watching a movie -- watching God work in her life with having no hands in it at all. Watching God work in her hear to trust him, and therefore trust others for help!

Can it get any better?

Ayanda's birthday was in mid-July so the volunteers gave her a mini birthday party and told me when they would be hosting so I could call them and talk to the kids. So I called Alex and sure enough the kids were there! I sang happy birthday to Ayanda and asked who was there with her. Johannes...AND TENELE! I was shocked. It just happened to be perfect timing, too, because I had sent the volunteers a package weeks before and they had just gotten it! I included letters and my Fingerprints fundraiser t-shirts for the volunteers and my kids! So as they passed the phone around that day, I talked to Tenele and she was the first one to say, "Mama, thanks for the letter and t-shirt!" So precious!!!!!!!!

Alex and Hanna took pictures for me. And sure enough, by this point Tenele was showing and I could see her little baby belly! Alex said at first she was horrified and hated the idea of her stomach getting bigger. She hated it when Alex got excited that she started showing but now she is much more excited about it. In fact, I called Ayanda today and got to talk to Johannes and Tenele. One of the first things Tenele said to me was:

"Mama! I feel baby play in my stomach!"

And we laughed and giggled together. AND...I also found out just today that Tenele helped Ayanda at the soup kitchen when the volunteers gave out peanut butter bread! This is AMAZING news because she'd NEVER go up to the kitchen when I was there! Especially when other people were around! Not only did she go to the kitchen, but she also helped serve and Alex said, "You should have seen her! So proud and happy!!! Amazing!!!"

THIS IS TRULY AMAZING! TRULY A MIRACLE! Seeing God move in her heart is absolutely the most amazing experience I've ever been a part of. The best movie I could ever watch!

Though there is much to still work out in her life and much more to keep praying about, like the Psalm says, "PRAISE THE LORD, MY SOUL!"

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my POWER is made PERFECT in weakness."
- 2 Corinthians 12:9

There is no "I" in TEAM

Other GREAT news is that God is giving me a TEAM!!!!!!!!!!

I had been very frustrated with plans for the girls home and dreams of what I wanted to help do in Swazi, but didn't have the help I needed. Throwing my hands up in disappointment, I said, "What do you want me to do, God?" It has been SOOOO difficult and painful being burdened with things that people here do not understand and cannot understand and therefore don't show the support and effort I need. But God has been working this whole time behind the scenes, gathering up a TEAM! I am SO excited for what God will do through us! (And YOU if you're interested... :])

I met a high school friend for coffee one morning a few days ago and was BLOWN away at what we covered in a simple hour. God had put one thing on each of our hearts and we unpacked it with awe and excitement. God had been putting the girls home on Chris' heart for a long time and he had some dreams and ideas of his own in supporting this home. When he told me about it, he said a few times, "Kate, don't feel any pressure to go along with any of this, I just want you to know that the offer is here." I could barely contain myself. "Chris, this is what I have been praying and WAITING for all along...a team!"
"Good! Because that's exactly what we want to be: a team!" He was referring to his four siblings.

Moreover, he donated the first VERY LARGE chunk of money for the fundraising efforts, to kick it off with "no strings attached." I cannot thank him enough, because that was another frustration about being here. I don't have money to start anything and even to fundraise you need a chunk of money to get going. With his donation (and knowledge) our next step is to contact a lawyer and get an official non-profit org set up.

In Swaziland, as volunteers we went to some leadership training sessions and during some sessions we talked about teams and different leadership styles, and how a team works best. A team is most successfull when there are numerous talents, or in Chris' business terms "assets" and each contributes something different. For example, I know my strength in a team is not organization or the business side of things. I am the creator, the planner, the encourager, the people person. I don't do finances, can hardly keep track of my own calendar, and am horrible on any side of the adminstrative gifts. And that's where God brought Chris in. He has the administrative skills I lack and the support I need. HOW GLORIOUS is God! I still am so excited about this because it's actually happening. This is something I could not do alone. Not only has God brought Chris and his family onto the team, but I had another divine appointment this past weekend.

I was at Haley's graduation party when I ran into a few friends. I had been Haley and Emma's camp counselor over four years ago but stayed in touch with them and their families. Emma's mom, Kris, has always been a big supporter and engaged in doing things for World Vision. When I ran into her at the party, she was thrilled to hear about the girls home. She invited me to come to her house in a few weeks and talk more about it. I have no doubt she is another teammate God is bringing into the picture. She is going to be a big part of the fundraising and has already said she is behind this 100%. She is going to speak to her church and get a presentation day set up to help start the fundraising! And she already has some great ideas!

Wow, God! He just never ceases to amaze me. :) I am so thankful for the team he is stirring up. And if you're reading this and your heart is stirred to help, too, PLEASE JOIN THE TEAM in any way you wish!

MORE TO COME...until then...

Salakahle! (Stay well!)

Litsemba Lemphilo

Litsemba Lemphilo -- Hope for Life

Plans for the girls home are up and running! Though adjusting to life back home has been a longer process than I had hoped, working on the girls home has been exciting and healing for me, knowing there are still things we can be doing here to help.

Litsemba Lemphilo home is projected to open this coming January 2012! We have big plans, goals, and hope for this home, and what a fitting name to match our dreams. Litsemba Lemphilo literally means hope for life. We want to focus on brining hope to the girls of Swaziland, that they may dream of a better future.


We already have a house that needs complete renovation, but at least we have a house and yard! The total cost of fundraising to renovate, refurbish, employ, and run (feed, support, accommodate, etc.) for ONE YEAR is $30,000. Not bad at all! But we want to raise more than just one year's worth. We aim to raise enough for a minimum five year plan of running the home.
















The home will accommodate up to 16 girls, with a target age of 8-14 years old. Sr. Judith, who is the committee director living in Swaziland, will be "interviewing" house mothers to help run the home. Once selected, the two Swazi house mothers will run the home as if it were their own, ensuring the youth of Swaziland are brought up in their own culture.

After starting to feel settled here at home, with a teaching job lined up for next year (yebo Jesu!), I was completely thrown off guard by a recent email from Fr. John, the director of MYC. He officially asked if I would come back next year to help run the girls home from a director stand-point. He said though he is MYC director, as a male (and since he has so much to try to run without the girls' home) he is not equipped to run such a project, though he will "oversee" it. I definitely did not see this coming. I of course am hoping to go back to Swazi someday to help with the home or the girls, etc. but I am not sure I am ready to take on such a responsibility. That means moving there for a solid few years, and quite frankly that scares me. There are pluses and minuses to both. For example, if I took the job and moved there next summer, I could be there for Tenele and help her raise her baby. How splendid that would be since my heart has wanted to adopt that baby the day I found out she was pregnant! Of course that means leaving my family and friends and comfort behind once again...which is too hard. So my answer? I told Fr. John I of course would love the opporunity but cannot say for sure if I can or cannot take the job. It's nice because there's no rush, and the only pressure is what I put on myself. So in the meantime, I will be praying about where God leads me in that direction.

Wounded Heart

The hardest thing about being back is not necessarily how much I miss my kids (which is hard enough) but the worst part is not being able to BE there for them. I totally understand how you mothers feel (and now I totally get how hard it was for my own mother to see me off to Swazi). Props to you mothers out there. You amaze me. Because I am struggling...hardcore. I just want to be there, I want to see their smiles, I want to hear them talk about school, I want to hug them when they're hurting.

I thank God for creating the person who created skype! :) I have been able to sms or call Ayanda a couple times now. I sent her a text earlier this morning saying hello to all the kids and telling her to keep the phone on because I was calling later today. Then I called her and the first thing I heard was, "Hello Momma!" :D

She told me that school was going well and they are starting to write some exams in a few weeks. She also told me that she showed Johannes the message and he said, "We don't need a sms, we need HER here."

Then as we were talking she was walking to find Tenele. So I briefly talked to Tenele and greeted her before she quickly handed the phone back to Ayanda. I could sense something was wrong, but didn't think much of it. When I asked to talk to Tenele again, Tenele refused. I told Ayanda to put the phone up to her ear anyway so she could hear me as I talked about clinic visits, etc. When she put the phone up to Tenele all I could hear was her crying. I didn't know what to say so I just told her I loved her and that everything would be okay. Ayanda grabbed the phone back and said, "Mary-Kate, she's crying...she can't even talk."

"I know, Sweetheart," I said rather calmly. "Why is she crying?"
"Cedric kicked her out."
"Why?"
"I don't know..."

Tenele couldn't even answer Ayanda because she was crying. And when Tenele cries everyone can feel the pain. It is not safe for Tenele to stay in Mangwaneni if she's not living with Cedric because he "protects" her. But maybe this is the perfect opportunity to get Tenele OUT of Mangwaneni for good. I gave the girls a number of a Swazi friend they could call. And I told her everything would be okay. But that's all I can do from here. And THAT is the hardest part. I can't BE there to help. I can only offer suggestions. I can only pray. I can only trust God that he is working and that she really WILL be okay.

As I am sitting here wondering what is going on, wishing I could be there, I am realizing what an awesome opportunity this is for me to learn to let go and trust God. This is not about Tenele and me anyway, this is about God and Tenele. And as much as I hate it, I love that I cannot have anything to do with helping her right now...because that puts it 100% into God's hands, which is where it should always be. Because that's when miracles happens. That's when healing happens. That's when growth happens. That's when I get to sit back and soak in the verse: "What is impossible for man, is impossible for God." The task of helping Tenele has indeed been daunting and many have told me impossible to change this girl's life. I disagreed. But now I agree. It is impossible for ME to change her. But NOTHING is impossible for God.

So while I have a wounded heart of my own, I will rest in knowing God is holding my Tenele-Bell just as he is holding me.

Additional Updates...

For those of you who have followed the blog, I will update occasionally about what I hear from the kids and life back in Swazi, adjusting to life here, and plans for the future. For example, a few things already... I'm praying about adopting Tenele's baby...moreso praying for a couple to adopt the baby. I'm looking for teaching jobs while I'll be fundraising for the first MYC girls' home, that we aim to open in January 2012! And about the kids...well...

The volunteers told me later that Ayanda lost it after I left and that her and Tenele kept crying. But they both let the others comfort them (which is quite incredible!) and stayed at the house for awhile until they were fed and laughing again! Sphilile stopped by the house and spent some time with Eilidh. Both Ayanda and Tenele still have the phones we left them, which is great news! I called both from skype but could only get a hold of Ayanda. Still, how amazing is technology? I only got to chat for a minute, but it was nice to hear Ayanda's voice!

I'm already having a heck of a time trying to adjust to life here. It's a little more difficult than I thought. But who wants to dwell on the negative? Not me! :) So I'll leave it at this...no matter where you are, in Africa or a small town, there's always work to do, people to help, hearts to love, and healing to need. Ministry never stops.

"Stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourself fully to the work of the Lord, for you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." -1 Corinthians 15:58

Goodbyes Break My Heart

Unfortunately, all good things come to an end. I had been preparing myself for departing Swazi, but it still was the most difficult thing I've done. It was such a terrible feeling to be the source of so much pain for others. Many of my students asked me to stay. They asked me to postpone my departure. A few even told me they were angry I was leaving. No matter how much I had prepared them and told them why I was leaving, when the day came, they weren't okay with it. (And I was having a hard time with it, too.)

I left on Tuesday morning, but I was able to go to school first to say goodbye. All the students sang for me at assembly, and the head teacher and director presented me with a gift: a beautiful wooden plate for my wall with "Swaziland" engraved into it. After assembly, I spoke to my class, and one of the boys gave a mini speech to thank me and bless me. Then I took each student out individually to pray for them and say good bye. Close to the end, the head teacher called all the girls out and asked me if I could go with them into the office room because they wouldn't stop crying.

So I brought the girls together into a group hug. And instead of consoling them through their sobs, I started crying, too. (Not quite what the head teacher was hoping for.) So we just hugged and cried together for awhile, and then I choked out some words and a prayer. I finished saying good bye and told them, "Just because I am leaving doesn't mean my love is leaving. My love is from the Lord, so it's never gone because He NEVER leaves you." It still didn't make it easier. :(

The only thing that made my goodbye easier was a divine gift, a miracle, I had prayed for... yes, it has to do with Tenele.

After that amazing day spent with Tenele, she was supposed to meet the following day and didn't. My friend was going to take her to church, and then I had a good bye cook-out on Sunday that Tenele said she was coming to. She never came. Then on Monday (I was leaving the following day) Ayanda came to the house after school.

"Where's Tenele?" I asked.
"Oh..." her face fell. "She told me to tell you that she's leaving today and will be gone all week."
"What? Leaving? Where?" I immediately started tearing up. I couldn't bare to think that I would have to leave without saying goodbye to Tenele. And even though Ayanda tried to explain the situation to me, I couldn't really hear it because I was crushed that Tenele wasn't coming to say goodbye, and I had to leave that next morning. I started praying, "Please, God, please...if I have found any favor in your eyes...please give me the gift of seeing Tenele one more time so I can say goodbye."

But for some reason, I couldn't believe her story that Tenele would really leave. So I set out that night to see for myself if Tenele was really there. As we got to her house, there were two other women outside. Ayanda spoke in SiSwati with them, but they all knew who I was looking for without me saying. Tenele wasn't there. But according to the woman, she was still around. We waited, as they all spoke in SiSwati. Finally, Tenele, realizing I wasn't going to leave immediately, came out of hiding. We hugged but she pretended like she wasn't happy to see me. Then she yelled at Ayanda in SiSwati and Ayanda turned to me and said, "Mary-Kate, I told you about Tenele, right? Tell Tenele that I told you she was going to be gone."

I looked at Tenele and said, "Ayanda told me what you said, but I had to see for myself," I paused and continued, "You can't leave without saying goodbye!" and I hugged her. She smiled but shied away a little bit. I was so happy to see her, but my heart also hurt for her, because the reason she told Ayanda to tell me she was gone was because she didn't want to say goodbye. Goodbyes are painful, and she didn't want to do that. Still, there was something special I had for Tenele at the house and I wanted to give it to her. "Tenele, I am leaving tomorrow morning, but I want to see you. Will you please come tomorrow morning with Ayanda to say goodbye? I have something I want to give you. (I had gifts for all the kids.) But...if you don't come, I guess I'll have to give it to Ayanda." :)

Ayanda laughed and Tenele shook her head. "Mary-Kate, I'm coming. I'll come with Ayanda."
Even though she sounded convincing, I wasn't sure if she would really show up or not. But I prayed and prayed she would.

Tuesday morning came. After I said my goodbyes at school, I came back to the house to finish packing. The girls were supposed to come by at 9. They didn't show. At about 9:30 I heard Alex (another volunteer) yell my name. "MK! MK! I have a present for you!"

I ran outside to find Ayanda and Tenele waiting. It felt like a miracle! I was so happy, I embraced them eagerly, but they turned to each other and Tenele said in SiSwati, "Mary-Kate uyajabulani" (something like that) which meant, "Mary-Kate is happy." They thought I was happy to leave. I picked up on the SiSwati and said, "No, no, no. I am not happy to leave. I am just SO happy that you are here right now."

Johannes also joined a few minutes later, so my three kids helped me finish packing. Tenele was the first to cry. (Sigh) Ah, it was so hard. But they stayed with me all the way until I got into the car to leave. I held Tenele for awhile as we sobbed together. Johannes kept it together and didn't shed a tear. Ayanda pouted and angrily refused to hug me...but eventually gave in. The other volunteers and I exchanged lots of tears as we said goodbye. I left the kids in their hands and asked them to comfort them.

As I drove away, I cried harder, but my spirit was filled with the gift of miracles...of seeing Tenele one more time...and of remembering that everyday with my kids is nothing short of miracles in the making.

Everyday a Miracle

For Easter, my mom sent me a package and one of the little gifts was a jewelry box with the figure of a mother and her child. My mom didn't write anything to explain the gift but she didn't need to, I knew it was to represent my mother's heart for Tenele. I immediately loved the little box, but when I opened it I nearly cried. In simple beautiful writing at the bottom of the box were three powerful words:

Everyday a miracle.

Oh, how perfect! And how true! Although I have been through my fair share of tears and struggles trying to help that young life I call Tenele-Bell, instead of focusing on the failures and disappointments and pain, I realized that it truly is a miracle EVERY day that I get to see her. And God multiplied a few days with her during my last week. And it felt like I was indeed living in a miracle--not because anything extravagant happened, but simply because I realized... everyday a miracle.

To write in detail that last week in Swazi would take a separate blog in itself, but I will sum up the important parts:

I met with Cedric...several times. The first time I was a bit scared and nervous, but I think it helped that I came into his world, so to speak, by meeting him where he's at, no matter how uncomfortable it was for me at first. The second time was with Tenele and Tenele became more bold in front of him. In front of both of us and all of Cedric's friends, Tenele said, "Mary-Kate, he beat me yesterday."
"What?" I whipped around to look at Cedric.
He threw up his hands in defense and said, "Ask me why..."
"Why?"
"Look," he lifted up his chin and showed me a scab mark on his neck. "From her nails."
"Ouch," I commented. And then Tenele pulled up her shirt sleeve to show me her marks, "He beat me with a stick."
It was clear they had a fight about something the previous night. I put my arm around Cedric and said, "You know nobody touches my daughter like that, right?"
"I know..." he nodded and hung his head.

The last time I talked with him was a few days before I left...I bailed him out of prison. Now, it's not what you think. He got arrested with a group of 15 others (including women and children) because they were at the dumpsite (which apparently is illegal) and the police wanted some money. It was either a 500 rand bailout out or FIVE MONTHS in prison! How ridiculous! Tenele came to me and asked for my help. At first I was hesitant. But she told me Cedric specifically asked for me to help. There was no way, I could leave him for 5 months for really doing nothing wrong. So I agreed to help...and it turned out to be a blessing.

While we waited at the police station and courtroom, I spent some amazing time with Tenele. She is becoming so much more tender-hearted and open. It was amazing spending an entire day just waiting, talking, being with, and holding my daughter. I noticed something different about her, something in her eyes. Really, it was like I could see a brighter, lighter Tenele. And it's an incredible gift to see the Light of Christ start to chase away the darkness in her life. She's not there yet...but getting closer and closer!

After the long day, we finally bailed him out, and I talked with Cedric about changing his life, improving his own situation, looking for a job, and letting Tenele go. God has completely softened my heart for this young man as well. I realized he is just in need of love as Tenele. And I have been praying for God to redeem him as well. And as hard as it is to admit, Cedric, in some ways, has been good for Tenele...good because he has taken her out of the "prostitution" scene and good because he protects her from other men and her step-mother. Of course, I don't need to list all the ways he ISN'T good for her, but there's always good that can come from bad.

The best part about the whole day...oh, I have to back up for this to make sense. (So, I have an amazing Swazi friend who has been an angel to me. And I had talked to her about helping Tenele, and she was both moved and committed to helping. Her first impression of Tenele wasn't very good, as Tenele was not behaving well. And Tenele said she didn't like my friend, either. [I had already told Tenele that this woman could help her.] So, I had been very discouraged that this beautiful plan of mine to get those two connected had failed.) But during this whole situation with helping Cedric, Tenele turned to me and said, "Mary-Kate, since you did this for me, I will go with you to meet her again."

"Really?" I was shocked. I hadn't brought my friend up again because I thought that bridge was already burned.
"Yebo," she nodded.
"Tonight?" I asked.
She nodded and smiled.
"Okay!" So I called my friend and set up a date to meet that night. She had us over and cooked us dinner. And this night is when Tenele and I had the most amazing conversations I've ever had with her. She opened up about her life and her past. She listened intently to me and at the end of the night she asked if I was happy that we spent the whole day together. She didn't need me to answer, because she could clearly see how much this meant to me... and I could see how much it meant to her, too.

This day...a miracle.

Journals Continued: Cries of my Heart

4-19-11 Tuesday

I am in such agony. My heart hurts because I don't have much time left here. Jesus, I need your hope and grace and strength so desperately. Jehovah-Rapha, heal my breaking heart. Hear my desperate cries--the words that are so heavy with sorrow that they cannot make it to my lips. I need you near me. It is not by me or my strength that Tenele will be saved, but I yearn so desperately to see you touch and change her life.

I feel so stupid sometimes for crying this much. I'm trying too hard, planning too much, when my plans will come to nothing. I feel so alone and so frustrated because even though I know I shouldn't put so much pressure on myself to do things as if it depends only on me, at the same time I am so FRUSTRATED at people because who else will do it if I don't? WHERE IS THE HELP? WHERE IS SOMEONE TO HELP ME? I realized I am frustrated at others for not caring or helping theses girls that need desperate help...for not being moved to come or help...or...anything.

4-20-11
Your words, O my God, are beautiful. May these words no just be true in prophecy of Jerusalem, but of your daughter, Tenele:

For Zion [TENELE'S] sake I will not be silent. For Jerusalem's sake I will not be quiet, until her [Tenele] vindication shine forth like the dawn and her victory like a burning torch.

Nations shall behold your vindication and kings your glory; you [Tenele] shall be called by a new name pronounced by the mouth of the Lord. You shall be a glorious crown in the hand of the Lord, a royal diadem held by your God.

No more shall men call you "Forsaken" or your land "Desolate" but you shall be called "My DELIGHT" and your land "ESPOUSED" for the Lord delights in you, and makes your land his spouse... your God rejoice in YOU."

Oh how deeply beautiful are your words. Let them touch and heal my heart. Let them fall by the Holy Spirit onto Tenele's soul, and Masterful Father, let these words be truth over her life as you set her free.

4-26-11 Tuesday
Lord, my heart is so heavy. I am loosing strength and hope. I know you are faithful and I know you are working, but I'm getting exhausted waiting for you deliverance. why haven't you set Tenele free? Why is my heart bitter and broken? Heal me, Jesus. Let me feel you near.

4-28-11 Thursday
God you are so good! Your faithfulness is incredible. Let you Word continue to fulfill your will and set Tenele free. Thank you, Jesus, for your guidance, love, and grace. Thank you, Holy Spirit, for paving and guiding every moment with Tenele today. I. Love. You. So. Much!
All yours,
always,
Kate

Is it Worth it?

As always, with Tenele, it's one big step forward, two steps back...but those bigs steps are always amazing when it happens.

After not hearing from Tenele for awhile, I went with Johannes to Mangwaneni one morning after church to talk to Cedric. I was nervous, a bit scared, but I knew it was what I was supposed to do. Johannes showed me to Cedric's door and knocked, talking in SiSwati with another man who opened the beaten up, wooden door. After talking for a bit, I introduced myself to Cedric's friend. They called inside to Cedric and after a bit of time, he eventually came out to meet me. Cedric speaks very good English, so I knew having a conversation wouldn't be a problem, but he never looked at me. He hung his head as I talked with him and wouldn't look me in the eyes. But when I see him, I no longer feel angry with him...I feel sad, and I see him as a boy--a young man--who needs help himself. I talked with him about letting Tenele go and what they were going to do with the baby. We didn't make much progress but he said he agreed with me to let Tenele leave Mangwaneni. They said Tenele wasn't there, even though I had heard her whisper inside before. Though our actual conversation didn't have much progress (because of course he will say that to my face) it was actually the start of more interactions with him to come.

My next interaction with Tenele was meant to be a joyful day. I took the kids to Mlilwane game park to swim. Unfortunately, it ended with the four teenage girls being upset with each other. Long story short, Tenele got into one of her stubborn moods and she claimed she was going to walk home...nearly impossible. But she refused to get in the car. After some frustration of my own, I threw my hands up, told Lydia to get in the driver's seat, and slammed the car door as I got out to walk with Tenele. Tenele asked me what I was doing and asked me to not walk with her and keep driving. "Nope," I said sternly. "If you're walking...I'm walking..."

So Lydia took off with the other kids and drove on ahead, leaving Tenele and I to wal the highway. I told Lydia to drive for awhile and pull over to give us plenty of time to talk.

On the walk, Tenele wouldn't really talk with me, so I talked at her. I talked about Cedric and her life. I talked about my frustrations. I told her how much I had done for her and how frustrating it was to see her like this and to not accept help. I told her I didn't know what to do with her anymore. I said some things in frustration but at the end I told her I loved her. "You know I love you, right?" She nodded. "You know how much I love you?" I asked. She shook her head. I told her I loved her as my own child, that I'd give my life for her and do anything to help her. I told her that I wasn't afraid of Cedric. I wasn't afraid to help her. I said I would march into her "house" and take her clothes and things and take her and leave...if that's what she wanted, I would get her out. I told her God had given me a mission to love her and help her and that just because I was leaving soon, didn't mean the love would be gone...because the love is the Lord's and he NEVER leaves. I talked too much, I teared up too much--showed my weakness and frustration with her. But maybe it was good.

That day was very distressful for me, and I was starting to believe the lies that have been thrown at me...that it's impossible to help this child. That she's only one girl and that she's comfortable in her lifestyle, so just let her live it. Here is an excerpt from my journal:

Maybe her life is fine the way it is. She copes. She'sl learned to live that way. She's learned to stuff the pain, to accept the beatings, to hide her fear, to lie like it's her life. This is the only life she knows, who am I to think I can take her from it...to give her hope? I am so sick of the pain and tears. I just cried so hard. I am so homesick, but when I think about leaving them I cry so hard.

What do I do, Lord? I know...nothing.
But I cannot accept the lies that tell me to give up. I cannot accept the lies satan's feeding me that Tenele should stay in her "comfort zone" lifestyle. I cannot believe that it's hopeless. I cannot accept the lie that she is only one girl, and there are so many like her that live that life, sot it's fin for her to live it. Though I want to give up, one life can truly make a difference. And if I can't help all the girls like her, it is still worth it to try to help one.

Journal Entries Continued: April 14th

4-14-11 Thursday

Wow, God! I am speechless! I cannot thank and praise you enough for your goodness and how you are working in Tenele's life. Your surprises take my breath away! Thank you for your power and goodness and victory. Continue to send your Spirit upon Tenele! Set her free.

Today was incredible. After school in the morning, I was just chillin at the house when it started down pouring, and I heard my name. It almost sounded like Tenele's voice but I knew not to get my hopes up. But it came again, and there she was! With Johannes and her friend Zinhle. I was so surprised! They came up and Tenele was herself. They looked through pictures on my laptop and then suddenly Tenele got up, told her friend to keep looking, grabbed my hand and pulled me aside. We went to my room to talk. I had been praying for an opportunity to have a real conversation with her. I hadn't had a real conversation with her all year. She said my name and paused, like she wanted to say something but didn't. Then she talked about her photos. I took the opportunity to talk with her about being pregnant and said we should to to the clinic so she could get checked to see for sure if she was pregnant or not. When I asked to take her there today, she said, "No, tomorrow..." but I said, "No, Tenele, because you won't come tomorrow. We need to go today." Then she nodded in agreement and said, "okay." I was shocked. "Really?!" "Yes," she said, without a fight! Wow! It was amazing.

God, how can I not be captivated by you? Though I'm eager to record every detail of today, I just can't praise you enough. Psalm 145 says it all. Lord, you have captured my heart. You are all I need. Your love is my breath, always there, always present and moving and fulfilling. Thank you!

Touch Cedric in his sleep tonight. Speak to his heart. Wake him and shake him from his sin. Soften his heart as you finally did to Pharaoh, that he will let Tenele go.

You, Oh Lord, are Victory.

All my love,
all of me,
all the time,
Mary-Kate


4-15-11 Friday

Since I didn't have time to recall all the events from yesterday, I am writing this morning. So yesterday...

Tenele willingly came to the clinic with me! Johannes and Zinhle were asked to stay in the outside waiting while I went in with Tenele. It was so good because the doctor asked her questions in English and Tenele was nervous and embarrassed to answer in front of me. He asked her about her boyfriend and other personal questions that were good for Tenele to answer in front of me...

While we waited for the pregnancy test results, poor girl was so nervous and ashamed. I encourage her, hugged her, held her hand, I gently lifted her chin so she'd look at me and I said, "Good job, Tenele. I am so proud of you for coming."

I watched the test as it showed positive. When the docs told her it was positive, her face fell, the doc said, "Congratulations, you're pregnant!" and she laughed awkwardly. I sighed, embraced the news, and smiling said to Tenele, "Okay, you're pregnant. Now that means I'm a gogo." (grandma)

As we waited for some medicine, just the two of us sat together and talked. For the first time in 8 months, we had a real conversation! Because of this, it's a day I will never forget. I told her about Marcia and how Marcia could help her. We talked about "no more drinking and smoking" and I asked about what they are going to do with the baby. (no plans) I asked about Cedric and if how he treats her and beats her, etc. Instead of denying it as she always did, she actually talked about it this time! She said, "Mary-Kate..."
"Yeah?"
"He no more beats me."
"Really? Why?"
"I told him if he beats me again I'll tell Mary-Kate and she'll come with the police. He don't beat me now."

I couldn't help but laugh with joy. She's FINALLY getting it! (I had been trying to tell her over and over that there are things we can do to help her get away from Cedric and that he shouldn't be beating her, etc.) She's finally taking a step on her own to stand up to Cedric and to embrace that she does have a choice, and that she should not be beaten. Hallelujah! Yebo Jesu! :)

She told me about how she ran into her sister from Fairview yesterday and her sister told her she needs to leave Cedric. But it's really good because Tenele seems more interested in leaving Cedric, though you can tell she's still not quite ready by her eyes when I asked, "Tenele, do you WANT to leave Cedric?" She hesitated and said yes, but her eyes said she wasn't ready to leave. But I could just SEE the inner battle she faces--she wants to leave of course, yet she's not ready.

I asked if I could talk to Cedric. Surprisingly, she said yes this time. She has told me no before. "I will tell him today you want to talk to him," she said with a big smile on her face.

Back at the house, I prodded her further. "Should I write him a note?" she shook her head yes and smiled. So I wrote him a one page letter, asking how he is, telling him I pray for him, teling him my mission ot care for Tenele, asking him to encrouage her to make the right choice and leave Mangwaneni while she's prengnat, etc.

After writing the letter, I asked if the kids were hungry. Tenele nodded yes! (Sometimes she refuses to eat.) So I made them fried eggs and peanut butter bread. They ate every last bite.

I walked them a long way back to Mangwaneni but turned around before the traffic circle. I hugged Tenele and prayed for her right there on the street corner. And I prayed for Cedric and the letter.

Oh, Lord, touch their hearts. Yahweh, there is power in your name!

Yahweh sets prisoners free! (Ps 146:7)

A Journal Summary of the Final Month

A series of journal entries that say more than what I could tell you now about how my adventure in Swaziland was coming to an end:

4-3-11
I need to turn up the heat, pump harder, run faster. For those who hope in the Lord will soar on wings like eagles, run and not grow weary, walk and not be faint. OH wash away my sin and let me soar like an eagle. I am yours. You are my God. Hear and answer as I continue my prayers for Tenele. I will not cease because your love, your grace, and your goodness never ends. May your very beauty and power wash over me, O Spirit. Let these last weeks here be the best weeks of ministry yet. May the miracle of Easter come alive in Tenele's heart...that she can make one bold decision to step out in faith to take the jump...and land on the wings of an Eagle! Yebo Jesu!


4-7-11
Oh breath of life come breathe on me. Bread of life come fill me up! Lord, thank you for working through my heart and my life...even when I don't know it. Lord, you said, 'Those who look to the Lord are radiant and their faces shall never be ashamed.' Thank you for making me radiant! Today Eilidh said that two of her students wrote about me in their compositions about love. It's crazy how you can touch people when I "do" nothing. It just goes to show it has nothing to do with me. Lord, I have taken the passenger seat once again, and let you take the driver's seat as it should be. Continue to touch lives, change hearts, and turn Swazi upside down!

4-8-11
God, I am going to cry like a baby in a month when I have to leave. :( I got tears in my eyes already when I saw the picture of Tenele by my fingerprints wall. Oh how my heart hurts so so so much for her and the new life she's carrying. Jesu, give that baby a good home. Put the child in good human hands that reflect your hands. Even if that means...mine.

Lord, please prepare my heart to leave and heal the hurting already.


Thank you for a wonderful Friday at school! At break time, I brought my football and taught the kids 500! And Sebenele has an INCREDIBLE arm! I want to teach him to play real American football. :) Also it was nice having Mr. Matsebula ask me (no, actually tell me) to lead prayer at the assembly today. It was wonderful being able to pray over and with all the students. I'm soaking in these moments. Lord, I love you. You are my life -- and that's why I can go anywhere because no matter where I go, there you are. Thank you.

4-10-11
God, you are so good. Your goodness washes over me. Your Spirit is my hope and strength. Thank you for redeeming and restoring. Thank you for the gift of seeing Tenele today! You amaze me. Thank you for brining Johannes and Ayanda over this morning and having our bible study. Thank you for Alex and our trip to Mangwaneni, and how you clearly had this all orchestrated...

As we walked through Mangwaneni to Johannes' place, Johannes pointed out Tenele on the way. When Tenele saw us, she hesitated as always and almost seemed as if she wasn't going to come, but she finally wandered over. I didn't talk too much to her. She didn't seem drunk or high, yet she wasn't quite herself. She reached for my hand a few times but only briefly. She didn't stay long, but she did walk all the way with us to see Johannes' baby niece.

Tenele then said she was leaving but I told her to wait. She shook her head no and started to walk away but I gently grabbed her wrist and despite her pulling I refused to let go. She finally let me pull her back in and she leaned into my hug. I took her hands and had her face me. I said, "Tenele, if you're pregnant (up to this point she still hadn't admitted to me that she was pregnant), you can't drink or smoke. It will hurt the baby." I wanted to see her response and I expected her to laugh like last time, to turn away and deny her being pregnant. She did none of the above. I was surprised when she looked at me and slightly nodded. I repeated what I said and talked about how she needs to take care of herself and the baby. She said nothing (which speaks volumes) and nodded. I told her, "Tenele, you need to tell me these things so that I can help you." She nodded and her eyes told me she truly understood. Her eyes also told me what her mouth doesn't. As we said goodbye, I caught a glimmer of tears in her eyes. Her eyes told me she was pregnant, that she understood, and that she was carrying the pain.

When I got back, I sat on my bed and cried again for Tenele.

4-13-11
I just left Johannes and he made me cry. He blessed me, prayed for me, showed me Luke 18 and said the verse about leaving your family and being blessed was about me and he commended me for it. He talked about not coming to the volunteer house anymore when I am gone because it'd be too painful for him because I wont' be there. Oh God, I am weeping now--how painful it hurts to know my leaving hurts these kids so much.

When I Thought it Couldn't Get Worse

Tenele didn’t come on Tuesday like she said. On Wednesday, Temu and Londi came by because their house in Mangwaneni had burned down and all their school clothes and uniforms were gone, so I had told them to come by and I’d take them to get school shoes. Temu told me that Tenele told her to tell me that Tenele was coming tomorrow. When “tomorrow” came, she still didn’t come. Saturday rolled around and still no Tenele. Johannes had called me because he was very ill, so I picked him up and took him to the hospital. While we waited (for HOURS) we talked about Tenele. Then Johannes very seriously told me something about Tenele that I never wanted to hear.

“She’s pregnant…”

On Sunday Johannes came to church with me. After church, I took him back to Mangwaneni and told him I was going to find Tenele to ask her about being pregnant. I sent Johannes and Ayanda to fetch her as I waited a littler farther up camp with some of the little kids hanging on me. Ayanda called back to me, “She wants you to come down.”

I shook my head, “No, tell her to come up here. I’m waiting.”

Then Johannes added, “She says she won’t come unless she sees you.”

Ugh, I rolled my eyes in frustration. Then I saw Tenele peek around the corner. She was laughing… a laugh I recognized and never liked… it’s a laugh that covers up her shame, so I knew something wasn’t quite right. She wouldn’t come up, but beckoned me down. So I walked down to her. Then I realized she wanted me to come down so that Cedric could see me. It was a safety precaution on her end, because if she’s with me, she knows Cedric won’t do anything to her. When I hugged her I could smell the smoke and my heart sank, once again. She was doing so well and she had told Johannes that she was going to stop smoking, but here she was partially high again. I grabbed her hand and told her to come with me to talk. She said no but I said, “Five minutes, just give me five minutes.”

She said, “Okay, just wait…” and went back to the house where a bunch of guys were sitting outside smoking daga (weed). I didn’t know what she was doing, but I waited. When she came back out she had gum in her mouth, as if she thought she could cover up the smoke. Oh, Tenele…

I asked her about being pregnant; she laughed and pulled away from me. “I was just joking,” she told me. Despite my efforts to try to have a conversation with her, she obviously wasn’t in the right mind to do so, so I left. I still wasn’t sure if she was really pregnant or not. She told me no, but of course she would tell me no. On the other hand, she could have also told that to Johannes for attention as well…but all I could think about was if she was really pregnant or not...she's a mere 15 years old and cannot even take care of herself. How would she ever be able to take care of a baby?

Return of the Prodigal Daughter

I have read the story of the prodigal son many times before, but I have never really thought about how the father felt the moment he saw his son coming…until now. After waiting and waiting and waiting, the day finally came when his son returned! Well…the next day after Tenele’s visit, I was sitting at the table in the common room when I heard my name. It’s usually a daily occurrence when someone comes to the house calling my name, and sometimes it gets annoying because all I want to do is chill out so I don’t always go to the balcony right away to answer. But this time I leapt out of my chair because the voice that called my name was…TENELE!

She came with Temu, Londi, and Ayanda again. We hung out at the house for a bit and then went to the mall to print some pictures of the girls. After the mall, I expected to say goodbye, and though Ayanda and Temu left, Tenele, surprisingly wanted to go back with me to the house. This never happens…she’s usually the first to leave, so I was quite shocked. Again, she told me she was going to come every day this week. I smiled and said, “okay,” trying to hope for her to follow through again, but at the same time tried not to get my hopes up to be crushed again. At the end of the day, I walked her and Londi partway home, and she held my hand the whole way. It was one of the best days with her, because it was like the real Tenele, the young, innocent, beautiful, full-of-life Tenele-Belle was back. I wanted to bottle up the memories of that day, such pure joy of seeing her, I couldn’t help but think immediately of the father when his son returned.

Here is a bit of my journal entry of the day:
3-21-11 Journal Entry
I have cried out again and again, “How long, oh Lord?” And with your mighty and merciful and majestic arm you have answered, and once again blown me away by your goodness and glory! Thank you for surprising me by Tenele’s presence and appearance on her own today. This is the FIRST DAY she has come to the house by her own will in two months! YEBO JESU! Oh it was so amazing. The prodigal daughter is returning!
OH MY HEART BEATS IN SOLID GRATITUDE.

Take Me Home

“Please, Mary-Kate, can you take me home with you?”

After a delightful day with Tenele about a month ago, her question still rolls around on my heart. I remember the moment almost perfectly. And it broke me, because though I want more than anything to take her home with me, I know I can’t. It won’t solve her problems; it won’t help her character. Yet, I can’t erase the memory of the moment she asked. It was an incredible day because I hadn’t seen Tenele in a long time…

3-20-11 Journal Entry

OH HAPPY DAY! Ngiyabonga Jesu wami kakhulu kakhulu! Oh, thank you Sweet Lord for an incredible gift today! Thank you for bringing Tenele here! Yebo Jesu!

I was in church this morning and aching so badly and almost crying about Tenele. Fr. Martin sang “You are Mine” and it was so beautiful and made me think of Tenele. Then all of a sudden I had this inner urge to go to Mangwaneni today. So I went and I was really scared (because of last time) but Johannes took my hand and led me through to find Tenele. We saw Khanyi on the way and she went ahead to fetch Tenele. Tenele came out and saw me and was surprised and said, “Ay, ay, ay, Johan” then turned to Khanyi to say something I imagine to be, “You tricked me. You didn’t say Mary-Kate was here.” But she was so wonderful! She was the Tenele I know—not drunk or high, not being mean or rebellious. It was beautiful, Lord, so so beautiful! So, I convinced her with the help of Johannes to come back to Salesian with me. So Temu, Ayanda, and Tenele all came. After a quick grocery shopping spree with Mama Mary-Kate we went back to my house. They sang and ate and laughed and talked.

Oh, it was so wonderful! Even Lydia commented when Tenele left that she was different and sincere and can see Tenele really wants a better life. I want to so badly to take her home, but I know that won’t solve her life. I told Tenele that I told Mom I wanted to adopt her and she laughed joyously. I told her if she is serious about wanting to come, she has to be serious while she’s here—no playing around anymore. I talked to her about McCorkindales orphanage and SWAGAA (counseling center for abused women). I pray everything we talked about holds true. I told her about SWAGAA and how I told them about her and how they can protect her from Cedric. I was trying to convince her that if she wants to leave Cedric, she can do so without him beating her…that she can get help. Once I said that she was so happy and said she wanted to go with me to SWAGAA. She really is afraid to leave Cedric, but she really wants to. Oh Lord, set her free! Bring her home to you!

She said she’d come back this week… “Mary-Kate, I’m coming! Every day…Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday…I’m coming.” I smiled with a wink, delighted at her excitement, yet I knew better than to get my hopes up because she never comes through on her word. But, I didn’t want to dwell on the doubt; I was just thrilled to see umtfwana wami (my child) again.

As I reflect on her request to come home with me, I realized she has never really had a “home”— her real mother chased her from her home because the step-father didn’t want her, she lived with a step-mother who beat and abused her, she’s been on the street, and going from place to place, and now she lives with Cedric, the closest thing she has to calling a home…no wonder why it's so difficult for her to leave him.

All she wants is a place to call home.

Marching On

"March on and weather the storm, for a rainbow is just around the corner."

My dad wrote that in a card to me the first time I came to Africa. It's a comment I have never forgotten. The past few months have been extremely difficult, with the intense heat, demanding hours spent trying to figure out how to teach and motivate my students, saying no to people who ask for school fees because I don't have enough money to help, entertaining "my kids" and tutoring them in their school work, and battling loneliness and exhaustion. To sum things up, here's what a wrote to a dear friend in a message:

I am dying to get home. I am soooo worn out. I am exhausted. I am weary. I am in desperate need to be refreshed. I can't wait to be home with my family. I can't wait to see friends again. I can't wait to lie in my bed and not sweat...I can't wait to lie in my bed and not be a little scared or have to pray off satan every night. I can't wait to sleep soundly and wake up without back problems. I can't wait to go ONE day without someone asking me for money. I can't wait to be with Grandma. I can't wait for weddings! I can't wait to actually have real communication with people. I can't wait for someone to put their hand on me and pray for me. I can't wait to worship with christians my age. I can't wait to have time to process through everything here...to just REST. to be refreshed. I am so eager to leave.

YET...
I am already depressed that I only have 4 weeks left here. I am sad to leave my students. These students are by far the most challenging but best class I've ever taught. I want to cry right now thinking about leaving them. And the worst is when they ask me not to leave.

I already had trouble sleeping the past two nights thinking about leaving. I had a dream where I did leave and didn't shed a tear. I was happy to be home until I realized I had gone so quickly that I didn't get to say goodbye to my kids. And I realized that I had left everything in my room except dirty clothes that I brought home. I hadn't even packed. Then I started freaking out because I had to go back and say goodbye, but I didn't have money and I couldnt' go back. It was the WORST feeling. It was like a nightmare to me. And in my dream I started praying and saying, "Lord, PLEASE let this be a dream! Please let this be a dream!!" Then i woke up...

Though I want to go home, it will be the most painful thing I've experienced...to leave my children behind, knowing they have pain of their own. When I leave I get to go HOME...to people who love me and care for me. But when I leave them, they don't get that. They just get hurt. :(

The worst part, what makes it hardest to leave is of course Tenele. If it weren't for her, it wouldn't be AS painful to go. But some things have happened recently that make it all the more difficult for me to leave her...(but you'll have to wait for the next blog to hear about all of that.) But it's a burden I can't carry. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to pray. I am frustrated and alone. I am burdened and hurting. I am so sick of praying for her freedom over and over and over again. I know God is working, I know HE is. But it doesn't take away the pain or the frustration in the moment. I want things to happen in my timing. I don't want to wait anymore. But he says, "Kate, trust me. Don't give up." And I think, "But God it is so hard. I am sick of waiting. I am sick of pouring out myself to Tenele and these girls when nothing's happening. What more do you want from me?"

Anyway, but good things are still happening here. I'm trying not to be so overwhelmed, but it is so hard because it is so lonely. I have never been so lonely in all my life. On the other hand, I am learning to depend on God solely. And that is something incredible.

So those are some of the storms...but here are things that keep me going, smiling, giving, loving, and marching on...towards the rainbow.

-My basketball team is amazing. The girls always make me feel loved, calling me nicknames like "Precious" and "Kobe" or "The Kobress" because they think I have a beautiful shot. They are a divine blessing and I don't know what I would do here without them and without some good hard basketball as an outlet for stress.
-Speaking of basketball, we hosted a tournament last weekend and I was interviewed and on Swazi TV!

-I went horseback riding with some other volunteers through the gorgeous countryside of Swazi.

-I recently went on a safari with Lydia and her parents, who are here visiting her. We got so close to an elephant we could almost touch him! We saw hippos, rhinos, elephants, zebras, giraffes, and lots more. I will be uploading the pictures soon.
-We celebrated Pununu's birthday last night with Johannes and Ayanda and Tenele!
-Easter is coming!
-We are starting to raise funds for the new girls' home, which will be opened in Jan. 2012!
-We are trying to come up with ways for young teenage girls to make some money other than prostitution
-Skype!
-phone calls
-letters
-my friend sent me a list of things to look forward to when I get home and it was amazing. I think she knows me more than I know myself!
-the list of good things goes on

Despite the storm, I know the rainbow is there, because God is good ALL the time.

And in the words of one of my favorite songs,

"Sometimes He calms the storm; other times, He calms His child."

Father’s Love

On Sunday, Fr. Martin sang “How Deep the Father’s Love” and it reminded me of how powerful this Fatherly love really is. We hear it talked about all the time “the Father’s love for us,” but do we really understand it? My experience of this definition of a Father’s love is my relationship with my earthly father. And while I can experience it on the receiving end, I don’t actually know what is on the giving end because well, I’m not a father. However, since coming to Swaziland I feel that God has given just a taste of his so-called “Father’s Love.” I haven’t tasted it as a father, but I have tasted it as a mother, though I of course have no real children of my own.

The love I have for Tenele is unlike any other sense of love I have experienced before. I love her as my own, and as my own child I would do anything for her. I love her to the point of death; I literally would give my life for her as many other parents would give their lives for their own children.

It’s an intense love that is painful because it is not necessarily reciprocated. It is an intense love that has roots beyond ourselves because the roots come from the true Father himself. It is an intense love that cannot give up. No matter how much I want to give up on Tenele, I can’t, because “fatherly love” accepts no limit; it overcomes barriers. For example if you’ve seen the movie Taken, you’ve seen one example of a father accepting absolutely no boundaries to what he would or wouldn’t do to save his teenaged daughter who had been kidnapped into sex trafficking. I absolutely love this movie because, though it is of course exaggerated, the father’s love is a powerful madness—he’s literally crazy going after his daughter, killing men and risking his life more than once to rescue her. Yes, it’s just a movie, but I also think its message about fatherly love points to a truth about Abba, our Heavenly Father.

I have struggled with pain, disappointment, heart-break, frustration, and weariness of emotion in tasting this motherly love. I have realized that no matter how much I love Tenele or how much I try to help her, I cannot control her. Love is powerful, but it is not controlling. Tenele has choices of her own, and though it’s painful I have to sit back and love her despite the pain in watching her make bad choices or her choosing not to see me or accept my help. And this is pain. To offer your resources, your love, your self, your life and not have it accepted or reciprocated is one of the worst feelings in life. But this IS love. With love comes pain; with a Father comes sacrifice. There’s no better example of this than the cross itself. At times I wished I hadn’t met Tenele so that it wouldn’t be this hard for me—I am literally a 20 minute walk away from her hellish life—but the picture the Lord has painted in my life is giving me a taste of the madness he calls LOVE. We neither deserve it nor earn it, and that is the BEAUTY of grace.

So when the going gets tough, I remember that

LOVE NEVER FAILS

.

Lord, I Want to See

After the adventure of going to Matsapha to find the prostitutes, I was full of passion and vision and also absolute disgust for the culture's view of women. I found out that one of the boys in my class had been to this prostitution place in Matsapha before. And that broke me even more, that the kids in my class were some of the boys paying these girls to sell their bodies. Then it made sense why most of the boys at the Enjabulweni boys' home knew Tenele. You see, a few months back, Eilidh and I had gone to Enjaluweni home to show a movie to the boys. We used my laptop and the projector for the movie, and the picture on the background of my laptop was of Tenele and I. When they saw the picture they talked to themselves in SiSwati and it was clear that they all knew her. "How do you know Tenele?" I asked. They didn't respond. But one boy replied, "Uh, just around town." But it was clear now why they all knew her, and it made the situation even more heart-breaking.

The culture's treatment of all of this was depressing. Even the girls who came with me to show me this area of prostitution laughed at the situation. No one takes it seriously, and they just laugh it off. I suppose it's one way they cope with not recognizing the grim reality of the all-too-common situation.

So, I tried to figure out how I could bring this up to my students in class. I wanted them to see how it was a problem but I also didn't want to hurt anyone in the class, because I had heard rumors that one of my girls was possibly a prostitute as well. But I couldn't figure out how to do it or what exactly I would say, so I moved on from the thought. I started preparing the lesson for the next day. I use bible passages almost every morning as a listening comprehension exercise for the kids. So, I was searching for something good when I opened to Mark. I read a story and thought, yeah, that'd be good, then another one, and thought, okay this one might be better...and then I came to the story of Blind Bartimaeus. By the time I finished reading it, I knew this is exactly what the Lord wanted me to use for the "prostiution" talk. Somehow, He took me from Blind Bartimaeus to preaching to the kids about a blinded society.

So, the next day I eagerly awaited listening comprehension. I was a bit nervous, but I prayed that the Spirit would take control and that God would prepare their hearts to receive a possibly tough message. After the listening comprehension questions, I had the students talk about a part that they thought was most powerful. And that's where I shared my own.

"There are five main lessons I see from this passage. The first one: we are all blind. Like blind Bartimaeus we are all blinded by certain things in life. There are things we don't see when it comes to God or life or sin. The second is that Jesus calls all of us. Jesus calls Bartimaeus in the story and Bartimaeus springs to his feet, throwing aside his cloak and goes to Jesus. Jesus calls each of us, so the question remains: how do we respond? And that brings us to the third lesson: throw off your cloak. We all have things in life that hold us down, sins that we hide under or feel trapped by, and we are to throw them aside and run to Jesus. The fourth is Bartimaeus' repsonse to Jesus' question, "What do you want me to do for you?" Bartimaeus repsonds, "Lord, I want to see!" The question then to us is what do we want? Do we REALLY want to see? And the last lesson is Jesus' answer to Bartimaeus' eager and honest response: "Your faith has saved you." Bartimaeus did not demonstrate any extraordinary action of proving his faith in Jesus. Simply, he called Jesus as he was, the "Son of David," the Messiah. What I find interesting is that Bartimaeus had not physically seen Jesus, but he saw more than what most people in that time period (and our time period) saw in Jesus. The Pharisees themselves and the people saw Jesus with their own eyes and witnessed his miracles, yet they refused to believe...because their hearts were blind. And that leads us back to the first lesson: that we are all blind in different ways.

As I started "preaching" about these things, I talked about the blindness in society towards prostitution. I talked about the two areas of blindness: blindness with the girls themselves and blindness of the men.

For the girls, the blindness is deep, it's a cover for the pain and shame. I talked about Bongiwe and Tenele (without actually mentioning their names of course) and how they are blinded by the lives they live and literally cannot see a way out no matter how clear it looks to me. For example, take Bongiwe's situation. Here's a young girl who has no father, her mother is sick with HIV, her older sister cannot afford to help support her or her younger brother. As a result, the two teenagers are basically left on the street to fend for themselves. The brother gets picked up from the streets and gets put into one of the five existing boys' boarding homes. Then what happens to Bongiwe? Not only does she have no father, a sick mother, no money, no school, no place to stay, no food, and NO support, now she doesn't even have her brother left. She's left on her own. What does she have left? Herself. So she sells the one thing she has left: her body.

After the night of going to Matsapha, I was talking to Bravo about the prostitution situation in Swaziland and why it's so rampid. Bravo said it's a cycle that is near impossible to get out of. "They ruin their lives as soon as they go into it [prostitution]," he explained. "These girls do not have any support, and when they sell themselves, they lose any chance of support in the future, too. I mean, who would marry a prostitute?" he continued.

Then it made sense to me why Bongiwe and Tenele decided not to take my help. I seems like only a momentary source of support while they need something concrete; they need something to absolutely depend on as their source of support because they do not believe they can have better futures once they've already chosen prostitution. They, like Bravo, also think they have already ruined themselves. So why risk chasing hope when the one sure thing they have is their bodies: their source of money and therefore their source of support.

While talking to my students about the girls being blinded from seeing a way out, from seeing that no matter how deep in they are, they are never ruined if they come to Jesus. He calls and they can be healed, but they are blinded from this. Then I talked about the men in society and how they are blind to this problem as well. I addressed the young men in my classroom and challenged them to step up. "If the men stop buying the sex, the girls won't have to sell, right? They only sell because the men buy." The girls felt empowered by this comment that I started addressing the men in the room as being the ones who can take control and fight against prostitution instead of feeding it. And some of the men were empowered as well and verbally agreed as I talked. I ended with something like, "so the question is, do you want to see?" and it was so cool to hear them answer with a yes when I had intended it only as a rhetorical question. I could tell that some of them really took the message to heart.

"Lord, we want to see."

How far would you go for Five Dollars?

How far would you go or what would you do in order to get five dollars?

I'm assuming, some of us would take silly bets or do simple silly things to earn a few bucks here or there. Take, for instance, my friend Michael who will eat any spicy/odd concoction of food for a few bucks. But everyone has a limit--what they wouldn't do for five dollars. So what would YOU do?

Well, what you are about to read is a story of what some people here do for five dollars...and (this is not just a warning) I promise you that the contents in this blog are nothing less than shocking.

So, the other night, I willingly decided to do something dangerous. (Mom, don't freak out...read Esther ;) ) And I have never looked fear in the face like that ever before. I have never been so scared in my life...and I never even stepped out of the vehicle.

After Bongiwe's disappearance and the new knowledge I received about her life as a prostitute, I decided I wanted to find her. Since coming to Swaziland this time, my focus was initially looking to build a free school; however, since I've been here my focus changed based on seeing an even greater need. Because of Tenele's situation and hundreds of girls like her, I decided I wanted to help start a girls' home. While this had been an increasingly growing desire of mine, recently, I had lost the fire and energy to help do such a thing. Maybe it was the maggots or the heat, or just general wearing down, but I lost all motivation and desire to help start a home. So, I faced a possibly dangerous situation on purpose. I wanted to see the areas of prostitution, and see if it was really something I wanted to invest more time into in the future. I knew there was a need to help the girls but I had selfishly become numb to it.

So on a Saturday night, three of my students took me the biggest area of prostitution, which is in a place outside of Manzini called Matsapha. The three girls had said that is where Bongiwe always is on weekends. I took one more volunteer Eilidh with me and a Swazi man named Bravo. Bravo works for MYC as one of the boys' house fathers and also works with the social welfare office doing "street nights" to find homeless/orphaned boys. Needless to say, Bravo was the perfect guy for a situation like this.

He readily agreed to take us and help us find Bongiwe. So, the six of us went to Matsapa Saturday night in the only vehicle that we had access to, which is the venture, a vehicle known for breaking down and not being able to actually properly lock the car. But it was the only access we had, besides taking a bakkie (which is a truck, and it clearly is not safe to take that) so we took the venture.

When we first drove through the area, it was sickening. So many drunk people were everywhere. It's a strip of about three or four "clubs" all together and people were packed inside as well as outside. Bravo parked the car a bit away from the comotion and turned to Eilidh and I and said very sternly,"it is far too dangerous, so you and Eilidh will not step foot out of this vehicle, do you understand?"

(I honestly didn't think it was THAT dangerous until the day after when I got quite a yelling at from different people about how lucky I was to be here and that I wasn't hurt, raped, or stabbed. If I would've known it was that dangerous, things might have gone a little differently. But that's the beauty of the night. Yes, those things could have happened, but they didn't! We were under the best Hand of protection.)

Anyway, so Bravo took two of the Swazi girls and went on the search for Bongiwe inside the differen clubs while Eilidh and I and the other girl, Nobuhle, were in the car waiting. After a little while, a car full of men pulled up and parked right next to us. They all got out and stood staring at us, talking amongst themselves. Nobuhle, (who told me earlier that I didn't need to be afraid because it was fine) said, "Those aren't good guys. We need to go." I was trying to be calm, though the whole time my heart was beating out of my chest. Eilidh was shaking and I just kept saying, "it's fine, it's fine. Be calm. They're not going to hurt us." Then Nobuhle said, "He has a knife! We need to go!" Luckily, I had asked Eilidh to get into the driver's seat earlier in case we needed to escape quickly. (I don't yet know how to drive stick, so we are soooo lucky Eilidh was there!)

Anyway, after a mishap of trying to get the car started, we finally got it going and took off. We parked somewhere else and then realized it was not even safe to park, so we drove up and down the road until Bravo was done. They had heard Bongiwe was there but couldn't find her. So we chilled for a bit and they went back for round two. After round two, they figured she had been there earlier but had already gone home with a guy.

By the end of the night...no bongiwe, and NO HARM done...so I wasn't too worried. But what was gained?

I gained vision--the vision and passion I had been lacking came pouring over me like a waterfall. I saw with my own eyes the life, I experienced the fear, I heard from the girls and Bravo what it was like inside. It is SICK. It breaks me. But it has given me passion and vision to help these girls. One of the girls with us said she walked into the club bathroom and saw a friend her age (15) naked having sex on the floor. They said the prostitutes usually are dancing and when they get with a guy, they ask, "Do you want this?" Then the guys says, "How much?" And the girl sells her body right there in the club or sometimes if the guy offers more, he'll take her somewhere else. But do you know the sickest part about this? Do you know HOW MUCH the standard is for girls selling their bodies? 30 emalangeni, and sometimes even 20, which is the equivalent of FOUR or FIVE DOLLARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CAN YOU IMAGINE SELLING YOUR BODY FOR FIVE DOLLARS??????????????

It's a sick and crazy twisted trap they are in. And I WILL fight to help bring freedom. No matter how many people here tell me it's pointless and a waste of time (which, trust me, there are too many voices saying this). Girls have been treated like that here for way toooo long. And it's going to change. It will change because we're going to pray for it. And I am asking your deep, committed and faithful prayers for these girls and whatever mission God has for me in helping them. The trap is thick and the blindness is repulsively destructive. But it's a battle worth fighting for.

Like my good friend Page told me in response to this, "Keep up the good fight. It matters more than your life."

Please Make Me Something

"Please, make me something."
Not just the cry of an 18 year old girl, but the cry of a multitude of young women yearning to be "something" in a society that says they're not.

It didn't long for me to hear that Bongiwe started skipping some days at school. She didn't hide the fact from me, but soon came to me explaining her situation. She said she had been living with a friend in Kakhoza and was kicked out of the house now and had nowhere to stay. Her home is in Siteki, a long way away, and she didn't have money for transport. She has no father; her mother is sick with HIV and also has a partial mental disorder. Her brother lives in one of the MYC boys homes. Her situation at home is actually accurate; I talked to her older sister who lives in Siteki (a sister who is trying to work with me to keep Bongiwe in school). But the situation she told me about in KaKhoza was not. Soon, I found out it was not just a "friend" but a boyfriend. But Bongiwe had come to me to ask if I could get a place for her to live. I said there was no way I would pay for a place for her but we could try to work something out.

In the meantime, she still did not go to school. Also, a few of my students know Bongiwe and I found out a lot more information about her...that she was also a prostitute. When I asked Bongiwe about certain things, she finally told me the truth about her boyfriend but denied prostitution. She said the problem is that her boyfriend beats her and doesn't want her to go to school; she wanted to leave him but couldn't. So, I spoke with the social welfare representative from MYC to see if we could make room for Bongiwe to stay at the McKorkindale's orphanage. THey were willing to negotiate and meet Bongiwe.

So, last week, I met Bongiwe and talked about school. My friend Michael came with because he knows Bongiwe as well and he scolded her for not going to school. We told her that the only way we would keep funding her education is if she came to live at the orphanage. We told her that it would not be easy, but that this is an opportunity to start a new life. She wouldn't be able to go out at night, there would be no more drinking, sex, etc...she said she would do it. She said she wanted to go to school and she wanted a better life. She said she would meet me the following day in town to talk about details. I told her that I wanted her to follow through and meet me the following day to tell me her answer because I wanted her to think about the choice she was about to make. She promised she would come.

She never came. And in doing so gave me her answer...

It is so sad and something I do not understand. In fact, I just saw Bongiwe yesterday (Sunday) and talked to her about this. She had written me a letter and said, "There is nothing more to elaborate but to say I am sorry." I told her that I was not paying for her school anymore. I told her that other girls would kill to have an opportunity like the one I gave her, but she threw it away. "Sorry, Mary-Kate," she said.
"I am sorry for you, Bongiwe. This is YOUR life."

Bongiwe chose a life of drunkenness, sex, and abuse over education, freedom, and a new start. WHY? Though I cannot imagine a good answer to this question, something happened last weekend (the story in the next blog) that made me understand this situation a lot more
And it rests in Bongiwe's comment in the letter she wrote me that said,

"Mary-Kate, please make me something."

Is 50% an F?

"God does not ask us to be successful, he only asks us to be faithful." -Mother Teresa

This was one of my favorite Mother Teresa quotes. But I didn't really experience it's meaning until now. And it's still hard for me to actually believe. I feel like a failure. I am a teacher, and I am used to grading papers/tests/etc. that are 50% or below and well deserving of an F, but when it comes to me, my pride cannot handle receiving an F. I guess that's why this quote has been on my mind like a magnet lately. God is not demanding that I am successful, though my flesh wants to be; he just asks that I remain faithful to him and his call.

We started out with getting six kids in school. Tenele was the first to drop, and you got that story the last blog. Shortly after her, Bongiwe follwed...(her story is in the next blog.)

Then the most recent and most frustrating and depressing is Khanyisile. Khanyisile came to my house several times a week after school to show me her work and to get my help. Khanyisile had been out of school for a handful of years, and was placed in grade four. She is very smart and can speak and understand English very well; in fact, she understood it so well that when we read books together, she knew how to make is seem like she could read. It wasn't until a couple days into doing some one on one tutoring that I realized Khanyisile could not read.

I was reading a Dr. Seuss book and Khanyi was reading along with me until she got on e of the words wrong. I pointed to the word again and asked her to repeat it. She said a completely different word, but one that was still on the page. "No, this one," I pointed to it again. And she said a different word. "Okay, what sound does this letter make?" I tried breaking the word apart. She had no idea. "Okay, what letter is this?" I pointed to a B. She didn't say a word.

Khanyi could not read. She did not even know the alphabet! And I had no idea until now. So the next few sessions we hammered out the first three letters, A, B, C. I taught her to sing the alphabet song. She drew the letters herself, we made flashcards, I had her create the shapes of the letters with pencils...I was working eagerly to get her to learn the alphabet, but I had no idea it would be that difficult!

Still, when she succeeded recognizing a letter, we celebrated together. I gave her my favorite book, "Chicka Chicka Boom Boom," to help with the alphabet. I was actually really looking forward to taking on the challenge with her. But last week Khanyi didn't show up...all week. And if you read the previous blog, you know that I went to Mangwaneni to try to find her and see why she wasn't going to school.

At Mangwaneni I found out she was living with a boyfriend. I actually met the man that day, he was upper 20s and though he was very kind to me, I still couldn't help but be disgusted. Nomphilo then told me that Khanyi had been kicked out of school becuase a mother from Mangwaneni had called in to the head master and told them that Khanyi smokes and shouldn't be allowed in school. So they kicked her out. Khanyi went to Ayanda's mother, who works at the school, and asked if she could negotiate with the head master and get her back into school, but I guess she was refused. Still, through all of this, Khanyi never came to me to talk about it and she still hasn't come to me since. I asked Johannes to encourage her to still come to see me and we could still work on the alphabet even if she was not in school, but so far...no such luck.

It's just so sad and heartbreaking. I tried getting 6 kids in school and now only 3 remain. I am sure the last three will stay throughout the year, but it's still hard to admit that I failed. AT least that's what it feels like. I pulled the money from Bongiwe's deposit and used it to finish Johannes and Ayanda's deposits, which is lucky that they all were enrolled at the same school, or I would have lost that money without getting it returned.

(For those of you who are supporting one of them or still thinking about it, the money I was going to raise for Bongiwe is now being raised for Mbali--Mbali was one of my students last year who was raped and became pregnant. Because she was pregnant (though not her fault!!!!) she was kicked out of the free school I teach at. Because her parents obviously cannot afford to pay for school, she was really depressed and talked about killing herself. I have been helping her along the way and her father and I met to talk about getting her into school. She is now enrolled at a private school in grade 7. I paid her deposit but her yearly costs still remain at $350. So if you have donated to Bongiwe, know that your money is being used now for Mbali. And if you still want to support Mbali, know that it is needed.)

Also, if you could support these young adults by praying for them by name, that would be greatly appreciated. Pray for Johannes, Ayanda, Nomphilo, and Mbali's successes in school, and please pray earnestly for the lives of Khanyisile, Bongiwe, and Tenele--that they can chose to leave their lives of sin, sex, and drunkenness, and pursue a life of freedom.

The Coaster Continues

While Tenele had dropped out of school and didn't even come to tell me, she did send me a letter. My spirit was partly renewed by receiving her letter, but also still crushed because it almost seemed like she was saying goodbye, or giving up.


To translate a little here..."make wami" means "my mother."



On the other side, Tenele wrote about her step-sister Winile who had also dropped out of school after Tenele left. Again, to translate what she said...Tenele's step-mom tried to force Winile to sleep with men like she did to Tenele, so Winile also ran away. Unfortunately, I haven't seen Winile (or Tenele) since.



The first line of Tenele's letter says, "Sorry for that my friend. I have a problem to my mind." I was encouraged that she appologized, and moved that she understand that she has a problem in her mind. But what she doesn't know is that the problem is actually a spiritual blindness, but we will get to that later. I was just glad that she acknowledges that she wants to go to school but for some reason won't let herself commit.

But during the rest of the letter, I couldn't help but feel sad because she wrote as if she were saying goodbye(without acutally saying it). She kept saying "make wami, shem" which means "my mother," and shem is a word they use all the time to show emotion. She asked for me to print off some pictures of us and a few pictures of me that she liked and wanted to keep. She asked me to give them to Khanyisile as if I were not going to see Tenele again. Also, she wrote that she had left Mangwaneni and was living in Ngwane Park. I found out a few days later that she had lied and actually was still at Mangwaneni but didn't want me to come looking for her there. :(

By this point, I had already decided I wasn't going to chase her anymore. I had done all I could possibly think for that girl. I was crushed and slightly angry at the whole situation. I wanted to find her and talk to her, but I knew the chasing was over. She clearly didn't want to be found. So, I sent a letter back to her through Khanyisile that told her how much I still loved her and that I will stop chasing her but will always be here whenever she decides to come. I told her that I realized she wasn't ready for my help, but when she is, I am always offering it.

Then, last Sunday, I went to Mangwaneni with Johannes and Pununu. I went to find Khanyisile because I had heard that she wasn't at school for the past few days. (More on her in the next blog.) When I went through Mangwaneni, people immediatly asked, "Are you looking for Tenele?"
"No," I politely responded. And they were taken off guard when I told them it was Khanyi I was looking for. We ran into Ayanda on the way through the squatter camp and she rushed off to change out of her dazzling white Sunday gear to come hang out with us. On the way, she ran into Tenele and told her I was here. Tenele told Ayanda to lie about where her and Khanyisile were so I wouldn't see them.

And lie to me Ayanda did. I was quite upset later when I found out Ayanda lied but she told me that they said they would beat her if she told me the truth. I was so disheartened. Not only because of Tenele and the lies, but because of Khanyisile. Angry and sick of them "playing games," I returned home in a huff of emotion and frustration. I was fed up. "I'm done," I said to myself and my housemats. "I'm done trying. It's not a game. And I'm sick of it." I had been so worn out lately and I was at the end of my rope. Until...

I got a lovely card in the mail from my friend Hannah. While she wrote wonderful things inside there were two simple words she said that changed my heart. She had encouraged me to continue to pursue Tenele without even knowing all of this that has been going on. And she simply said, "LOVE WINS."

She is so right. Love wins. Christ is the victor. It's my job to keep reinforcing this truth, no matter how long or how many times it takes to stop the rollercoaster ride.