Love
I’m falling in love again. And it’s deep and real and rooted.
It’s bringing back layers of color – a thousand varieties of the green that expanses the landscape from mountain trees to bushy hills to each different blade of grass;
a hundred rays of light escaping out of one holey heavenly cloud;
newly discovered hues of blues that touch from East to West and horizon to heaven;
and uncountable winking stars from the brush-stroked Milky Way at night.
Falling in love like this is like a new breath of life, a pain killer. It gives me the ability to hurt, to let my heart get hurt but with the promise that nothing can break it. The kind of love that enables me to face the countless disappointments on a daily basis and get over it by the next morning. The kind of love that isn’t a bandaid or a replacement, but the kind that digs below the wound, squeezes the pus out (sorry for the visual), and isn’t afraid to hurt. For the purpose of true healing.
If you’re still wondering, this falling in love I’m talking about is with a real person. I’m not talking about basketball, I’m not talking about Jesus. J
I’ve fallen in love with me.
And by me, I don’t mean the worldly kind of “love yourself.” I mean the deep, ugly, squeeze the yuck out of your deepest wounds and in humility learn to like who you are. As I’ve recently learned to love myself again, it has brought color, life, fearlessness, newness, freedom, and a life-is-too-short-to-stay-disappointed attitude, and an eternal perspective. A friend recently shared a resource from Harmony Grillo called The Guide to Emotionally Healthy Leadership, and in it was one statement that truly convicted me: “Remember to take care of the one person you are solely responsible for: you!” Too often, I would complain to God that He’s asking too much of me or I would whimper, When is it my turn, Lord? Who is there to take care of me? I didn’t realize the answer was here all along: me!
“Do you like the person you are becoming?” the resource guide asked. Another question to clarify that self-care is not the worldly type but the kind with personal conviction. If I didn’t like myself, how did I expect to find joy in all the things I was doing let alone being?
Another assistance to this falling in love again was actually my own story Never Been Kissed. (You can purchase your own copy here, as all proceeds go to Hosea's Heart: https://hoseasheart.org/support-type/books/)
I’ve been reading through it with the girls in home school literature classes. Rereading my own story with chapter discussion questions has reminded me of so many truths I have recently ignored. Even as simple as “rather than spending my time finding the one, work on becoming the one!”
I’ve been reading through it with the girls in home school literature classes. Rereading my own story with chapter discussion questions has reminded me of so many truths I have recently ignored. Even as simple as “rather than spending my time finding the one, work on becoming the one!”
So, I’m doing just that – dedicating 2020 to a year of committed singleness, where I take care of the one person I am truly responsible for and let God handle the rest! I trust God entirely with my future, and I know My Father is going to bless this year as He is preparing His Daughter Bride for the one He chooses to give me away to. He is a God who makes all things new.
Basketball
Who knew basketball could be so healing, so unifying? The sport is so much about self-discovery as well as selflessness. I get the first-hand experience to see how this sport has transformed an entire ministry, from the youngest to the oldest and everyone in-between! I mean everyone including myself. [Thank you PlayBold team for the court! A gift that goes beyond the time and finances you dedicated to build for us!] I’ve watched the girls transform, not just in their athletic abilities, but in their communication skills, in their work ethic, in their attitudes, and in their unity. Where there once used to be fights and arguments, tears and storming off the court, slamming doors, or curse words exchanged between girls, there is nothing of the like. Instead there are high fives, encouragements, silent lips when frustrated, and letting the younger ones score or the new ones have enough playing time.
One of my highlights of the entire year is the basketball game we had on our family outdoor court today. It involved every single one of us! From our youngest (6 years old) to our oldest (including the house moms!!), we all played in 4 teams of 5, and it was remarkable. The cheering, the competition along with the laughter was extraordinary. I cannot put into words what this felt like. It is something I have never experienced before. The comradery of 22 people coming from different backgrounds and bloodlines forming ONE FAMILY. Having a family of 22 playing a competitive sport and no one getting angry, too competitive or too lazy? Unheard of! The way some of the girls who normally aren’t as talented (or are just plain lazy) played and scored and ran – wow. If these girls had the same opportunities my students back in America had, they would be on scholarships, free rides or partially sponsored to colleges or beyond. The talent here is incredible. But more than that, it’s their hearts.
I can only melt at the honor that despite all my weaknesses and insecurities, He still chose me to come and cultivate their hearts, to prepare a place for many of His daughters who will in their own unique ways change the world. As Wonder Woman herself says, “I used to want to save the world. But then I glimpsed the darkness that lives in their light. Now I know that only love can truly save the world. So I stay, I fight, and I give. This is my mission… forever.”
I’ve indeed fallen in love again, because He first loved me.
-1 John 4:19
