The hardest thing about being back is not necessarily how much I miss my kids (which is hard enough) but the worst part is not being able to BE there for them. I totally understand how you mothers feel (and now I totally get how hard it was for my own mother to see me off to Swazi). Props to you mothers out there. You amaze me. Because I am struggling...hardcore. I just want to be there, I want to see their smiles, I want to hear them talk about school, I want to hug them when they're hurting.
I thank God for creating the person who created skype! :) I have been able to sms or call Ayanda a couple times now. I sent her a text earlier this morning saying hello to all the kids and telling her to keep the phone on because I was calling later today. Then I called her and the first thing I heard was, "Hello Momma!" :D
She told me that school was going well and they are starting to write some exams in a few weeks. She also told me that she showed Johannes the message and he said, "We don't need a sms, we need HER here."
Then as we were talking she was walking to find Tenele. So I briefly talked to Tenele and greeted her before she quickly handed the phone back to Ayanda. I could sense something was wrong, but didn't think much of it. When I asked to talk to Tenele again, Tenele refused. I told Ayanda to put the phone up to her ear anyway so she could hear me as I talked about clinic visits, etc. When she put the phone up to Tenele all I could hear was her crying. I didn't know what to say so I just told her I loved her and that everything would be okay. Ayanda grabbed the phone back and said, "Mary-Kate, she's crying...she can't even talk."
"I know, Sweetheart," I said rather calmly. "Why is she crying?"
"Cedric kicked her out."
"Why?"
"I don't know..."
Tenele couldn't even answer Ayanda because she was crying. And when Tenele cries everyone can feel the pain. It is not safe for Tenele to stay in Mangwaneni if she's not living with Cedric because he "protects" her. But maybe this is the perfect opportunity to get Tenele OUT of Mangwaneni for good. I gave the girls a number of a Swazi friend they could call. And I told her everything would be okay. But that's all I can do from here. And THAT is the hardest part. I can't BE there to help. I can only offer suggestions. I can only pray. I can only trust God that he is working and that she really WILL be okay.
As I am sitting here wondering what is going on, wishing I could be there, I am realizing what an awesome opportunity this is for me to learn to let go and trust God. This is not about Tenele and me anyway, this is about God and Tenele. And as much as I hate it, I love that I cannot have anything to do with helping her right now...because that puts it 100% into God's hands, which is where it should always be. Because that's when miracles happens. That's when healing happens. That's when growth happens. That's when I get to sit back and soak in the verse: "What is impossible for man, is impossible for God." The task of helping Tenele has indeed been daunting and many have told me impossible to change this girl's life. I disagreed. But now I agree. It is impossible for ME to change her. But NOTHING is impossible for God.
So while I have a wounded heart of my own, I will rest in knowing God is holding my Tenele-Bell just as he is holding me.
.
.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Additional Updates...
For those of you who have followed the blog, I will update occasionally about what I hear from the kids and life back in Swazi, adjusting to life here, and plans for the future. For example, a few things already... I'm praying about adopting Tenele's baby...moreso praying for a couple to adopt the baby. I'm looking for teaching jobs while I'll be fundraising for the first MYC girls' home, that we aim to open in January 2012! And about the kids...well...
The volunteers told me later that Ayanda lost it after I left and that her and Tenele kept crying. But they both let the others comfort them (which is quite incredible!) and stayed at the house for awhile until they were fed and laughing again! Sphilile stopped by the house and spent some time with Eilidh. Both Ayanda and Tenele still have the phones we left them, which is great news! I called both from skype but could only get a hold of Ayanda. Still, how amazing is technology? I only got to chat for a minute, but it was nice to hear Ayanda's voice!
I'm already having a heck of a time trying to adjust to life here. It's a little more difficult than I thought. But who wants to dwell on the negative? Not me! :) So I'll leave it at this...no matter where you are, in Africa or a small town, there's always work to do, people to help, hearts to love, and healing to need. Ministry never stops.
"Stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourself fully to the work of the Lord, for you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." -1 Corinthians 15:58
The volunteers told me later that Ayanda lost it after I left and that her and Tenele kept crying. But they both let the others comfort them (which is quite incredible!) and stayed at the house for awhile until they were fed and laughing again! Sphilile stopped by the house and spent some time with Eilidh. Both Ayanda and Tenele still have the phones we left them, which is great news! I called both from skype but could only get a hold of Ayanda. Still, how amazing is technology? I only got to chat for a minute, but it was nice to hear Ayanda's voice!
I'm already having a heck of a time trying to adjust to life here. It's a little more difficult than I thought. But who wants to dwell on the negative? Not me! :) So I'll leave it at this...no matter where you are, in Africa or a small town, there's always work to do, people to help, hearts to love, and healing to need. Ministry never stops.
"Stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourself fully to the work of the Lord, for you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." -1 Corinthians 15:58
Goodbyes Break My Heart
Unfortunately, all good things come to an end. I had been preparing myself for departing Swazi, but it still was the most difficult thing I've done. It was such a terrible feeling to be the source of so much pain for others. Many of my students asked me to stay. They asked me to postpone my departure. A few even told me they were angry I was leaving. No matter how much I had prepared them and told them why I was leaving, when the day came, they weren't okay with it. (And I was having a hard time with it, too.)
I left on Tuesday morning, but I was able to go to school first to say goodbye. All the students sang for me at assembly, and the head teacher and director presented me with a gift: a beautiful wooden plate for my wall with "Swaziland" engraved into it. After assembly, I spoke to my class, and one of the boys gave a mini speech to thank me and bless me. Then I took each student out individually to pray for them and say good bye. Close to the end, the head teacher called all the girls out and asked me if I could go with them into the office room because they wouldn't stop crying.
So I brought the girls together into a group hug. And instead of consoling them through their sobs, I started crying, too. (Not quite what the head teacher was hoping for.) So we just hugged and cried together for awhile, and then I choked out some words and a prayer. I finished saying good bye and told them, "Just because I am leaving doesn't mean my love is leaving. My love is from the Lord, so it's never gone because He NEVER leaves you." It still didn't make it easier. :(
The only thing that made my goodbye easier was a divine gift, a miracle, I had prayed for... yes, it has to do with Tenele.
After that amazing day spent with Tenele, she was supposed to meet the following day and didn't. My friend was going to take her to church, and then I had a good bye cook-out on Sunday that Tenele said she was coming to. She never came. Then on Monday (I was leaving the following day) Ayanda came to the house after school.
"Where's Tenele?" I asked.
"Oh..." her face fell. "She told me to tell you that she's leaving today and will be gone all week."
"What? Leaving? Where?" I immediately started tearing up. I couldn't bare to think that I would have to leave without saying goodbye to Tenele. And even though Ayanda tried to explain the situation to me, I couldn't really hear it because I was crushed that Tenele wasn't coming to say goodbye, and I had to leave that next morning. I started praying, "Please, God, please...if I have found any favor in your eyes...please give me the gift of seeing Tenele one more time so I can say goodbye."
But for some reason, I couldn't believe her story that Tenele would really leave. So I set out that night to see for myself if Tenele was really there. As we got to her house, there were two other women outside. Ayanda spoke in SiSwati with them, but they all knew who I was looking for without me saying. Tenele wasn't there. But according to the woman, she was still around. We waited, as they all spoke in SiSwati. Finally, Tenele, realizing I wasn't going to leave immediately, came out of hiding. We hugged but she pretended like she wasn't happy to see me. Then she yelled at Ayanda in SiSwati and Ayanda turned to me and said, "Mary-Kate, I told you about Tenele, right? Tell Tenele that I told you she was going to be gone."
I looked at Tenele and said, "Ayanda told me what you said, but I had to see for myself," I paused and continued, "You can't leave without saying goodbye!" and I hugged her. She smiled but shied away a little bit. I was so happy to see her, but my heart also hurt for her, because the reason she told Ayanda to tell me she was gone was because she didn't want to say goodbye. Goodbyes are painful, and she didn't want to do that. Still, there was something special I had for Tenele at the house and I wanted to give it to her. "Tenele, I am leaving tomorrow morning, but I want to see you. Will you please come tomorrow morning with Ayanda to say goodbye? I have something I want to give you. (I had gifts for all the kids.) But...if you don't come, I guess I'll have to give it to Ayanda." :)
Ayanda laughed and Tenele shook her head. "Mary-Kate, I'm coming. I'll come with Ayanda."
Even though she sounded convincing, I wasn't sure if she would really show up or not. But I prayed and prayed she would.
Tuesday morning came. After I said my goodbyes at school, I came back to the house to finish packing. The girls were supposed to come by at 9. They didn't show. At about 9:30 I heard Alex (another volunteer) yell my name. "MK! MK! I have a present for you!"
I ran outside to find Ayanda and Tenele waiting. It felt like a miracle! I was so happy, I embraced them eagerly, but they turned to each other and Tenele said in SiSwati, "Mary-Kate uyajabulani" (something like that) which meant, "Mary-Kate is happy." They thought I was happy to leave. I picked up on the SiSwati and said, "No, no, no. I am not happy to leave. I am just SO happy that you are here right now."
Johannes also joined a few minutes later, so my three kids helped me finish packing. Tenele was the first to cry. (Sigh) Ah, it was so hard. But they stayed with me all the way until I got into the car to leave. I held Tenele for awhile as we sobbed together. Johannes kept it together and didn't shed a tear. Ayanda pouted and angrily refused to hug me...but eventually gave in. The other volunteers and I exchanged lots of tears as we said goodbye. I left the kids in their hands and asked them to comfort them.
As I drove away, I cried harder, but my spirit was filled with the gift of miracles...of seeing Tenele one more time...and of remembering that everyday with my kids is nothing short of miracles in the making.
I left on Tuesday morning, but I was able to go to school first to say goodbye. All the students sang for me at assembly, and the head teacher and director presented me with a gift: a beautiful wooden plate for my wall with "Swaziland" engraved into it. After assembly, I spoke to my class, and one of the boys gave a mini speech to thank me and bless me. Then I took each student out individually to pray for them and say good bye. Close to the end, the head teacher called all the girls out and asked me if I could go with them into the office room because they wouldn't stop crying.
So I brought the girls together into a group hug. And instead of consoling them through their sobs, I started crying, too. (Not quite what the head teacher was hoping for.) So we just hugged and cried together for awhile, and then I choked out some words and a prayer. I finished saying good bye and told them, "Just because I am leaving doesn't mean my love is leaving. My love is from the Lord, so it's never gone because He NEVER leaves you." It still didn't make it easier. :(
The only thing that made my goodbye easier was a divine gift, a miracle, I had prayed for... yes, it has to do with Tenele.
After that amazing day spent with Tenele, she was supposed to meet the following day and didn't. My friend was going to take her to church, and then I had a good bye cook-out on Sunday that Tenele said she was coming to. She never came. Then on Monday (I was leaving the following day) Ayanda came to the house after school.
"Where's Tenele?" I asked.
"Oh..." her face fell. "She told me to tell you that she's leaving today and will be gone all week."
"What? Leaving? Where?" I immediately started tearing up. I couldn't bare to think that I would have to leave without saying goodbye to Tenele. And even though Ayanda tried to explain the situation to me, I couldn't really hear it because I was crushed that Tenele wasn't coming to say goodbye, and I had to leave that next morning. I started praying, "Please, God, please...if I have found any favor in your eyes...please give me the gift of seeing Tenele one more time so I can say goodbye."
But for some reason, I couldn't believe her story that Tenele would really leave. So I set out that night to see for myself if Tenele was really there. As we got to her house, there were two other women outside. Ayanda spoke in SiSwati with them, but they all knew who I was looking for without me saying. Tenele wasn't there. But according to the woman, she was still around. We waited, as they all spoke in SiSwati. Finally, Tenele, realizing I wasn't going to leave immediately, came out of hiding. We hugged but she pretended like she wasn't happy to see me. Then she yelled at Ayanda in SiSwati and Ayanda turned to me and said, "Mary-Kate, I told you about Tenele, right? Tell Tenele that I told you she was going to be gone."
I looked at Tenele and said, "Ayanda told me what you said, but I had to see for myself," I paused and continued, "You can't leave without saying goodbye!" and I hugged her. She smiled but shied away a little bit. I was so happy to see her, but my heart also hurt for her, because the reason she told Ayanda to tell me she was gone was because she didn't want to say goodbye. Goodbyes are painful, and she didn't want to do that. Still, there was something special I had for Tenele at the house and I wanted to give it to her. "Tenele, I am leaving tomorrow morning, but I want to see you. Will you please come tomorrow morning with Ayanda to say goodbye? I have something I want to give you. (I had gifts for all the kids.) But...if you don't come, I guess I'll have to give it to Ayanda." :)
Ayanda laughed and Tenele shook her head. "Mary-Kate, I'm coming. I'll come with Ayanda."
Even though she sounded convincing, I wasn't sure if she would really show up or not. But I prayed and prayed she would.
Tuesday morning came. After I said my goodbyes at school, I came back to the house to finish packing. The girls were supposed to come by at 9. They didn't show. At about 9:30 I heard Alex (another volunteer) yell my name. "MK! MK! I have a present for you!"
I ran outside to find Ayanda and Tenele waiting. It felt like a miracle! I was so happy, I embraced them eagerly, but they turned to each other and Tenele said in SiSwati, "Mary-Kate uyajabulani" (something like that) which meant, "Mary-Kate is happy." They thought I was happy to leave. I picked up on the SiSwati and said, "No, no, no. I am not happy to leave. I am just SO happy that you are here right now."
Johannes also joined a few minutes later, so my three kids helped me finish packing. Tenele was the first to cry. (Sigh) Ah, it was so hard. But they stayed with me all the way until I got into the car to leave. I held Tenele for awhile as we sobbed together. Johannes kept it together and didn't shed a tear. Ayanda pouted and angrily refused to hug me...but eventually gave in. The other volunteers and I exchanged lots of tears as we said goodbye. I left the kids in their hands and asked them to comfort them.
As I drove away, I cried harder, but my spirit was filled with the gift of miracles...of seeing Tenele one more time...and of remembering that everyday with my kids is nothing short of miracles in the making.
Everyday a Miracle
For Easter, my mom sent me a package and one of the little gifts was a jewelry box with the figure of a mother and her child. My mom didn't write anything to explain the gift but she didn't need to, I knew it was to represent my mother's heart for Tenele. I immediately loved the little box, but when I opened it I nearly cried. In simple beautiful writing at the bottom of the box were three powerful words:
Oh, how perfect! And how true! Although I have been through my fair share of tears and struggles trying to help that young life I call Tenele-Bell, instead of focusing on the failures and disappointments and pain, I realized that it truly is a miracle EVERY day that I get to see her. And God multiplied a few days with her during my last week. And it felt like I was indeed living in a miracle--not because anything extravagant happened, but simply because I realized... everyday a miracle.
To write in detail that last week in Swazi would take a separate blog in itself, but I will sum up the important parts:
I met with Cedric...several times. The first time I was a bit scared and nervous, but I think it helped that I came into his world, so to speak, by meeting him where he's at, no matter how uncomfortable it was for me at first. The second time was with Tenele and Tenele became more bold in front of him. In front of both of us and all of Cedric's friends, Tenele said, "Mary-Kate, he beat me yesterday."
"What?" I whipped around to look at Cedric.
He threw up his hands in defense and said, "Ask me why..."
"Why?"
"Look," he lifted up his chin and showed me a scab mark on his neck. "From her nails."
"Ouch," I commented. And then Tenele pulled up her shirt sleeve to show me her marks, "He beat me with a stick."
It was clear they had a fight about something the previous night. I put my arm around Cedric and said, "You know nobody touches my daughter like that, right?"
"I know..." he nodded and hung his head.
The last time I talked with him was a few days before I left...I bailed him out of prison. Now, it's not what you think. He got arrested with a group of 15 others (including women and children) because they were at the dumpsite (which apparently is illegal) and the police wanted some money. It was either a 500 rand bailout out or FIVE MONTHS in prison! How ridiculous! Tenele came to me and asked for my help. At first I was hesitant. But she told me Cedric specifically asked for me to help. There was no way, I could leave him for 5 months for really doing nothing wrong. So I agreed to help...and it turned out to be a blessing.
While we waited at the police station and courtroom, I spent some amazing time with Tenele. She is becoming so much more tender-hearted and open. It was amazing spending an entire day just waiting, talking, being with, and holding my daughter. I noticed something different about her, something in her eyes. Really, it was like I could see a brighter, lighter Tenele. And it's an incredible gift to see the Light of Christ start to chase away the darkness in her life. She's not there yet...but getting closer and closer!
After the long day, we finally bailed him out, and I talked with Cedric about changing his life, improving his own situation, looking for a job, and letting Tenele go. God has completely softened my heart for this young man as well. I realized he is just in need of love as Tenele. And I have been praying for God to redeem him as well. And as hard as it is to admit, Cedric, in some ways, has been good for Tenele...good because he has taken her out of the "prostitution" scene and good because he protects her from other men and her step-mother. Of course, I don't need to list all the ways he ISN'T good for her, but there's always good that can come from bad.
The best part about the whole day...oh, I have to back up for this to make sense. (So, I have an amazing Swazi friend who has been an angel to me. And I had talked to her about helping Tenele, and she was both moved and committed to helping. Her first impression of Tenele wasn't very good, as Tenele was not behaving well. And Tenele said she didn't like my friend, either. [I had already told Tenele that this woman could help her.] So, I had been very discouraged that this beautiful plan of mine to get those two connected had failed.) But during this whole situation with helping Cedric, Tenele turned to me and said, "Mary-Kate, since you did this for me, I will go with you to meet her again."
"Really?" I was shocked. I hadn't brought my friend up again because I thought that bridge was already burned.
"Yebo," she nodded.
"Tonight?" I asked.
She nodded and smiled.
"Okay!" So I called my friend and set up a date to meet that night. She had us over and cooked us dinner. And this night is when Tenele and I had the most amazing conversations I've ever had with her. She opened up about her life and her past. She listened intently to me and at the end of the night she asked if I was happy that we spent the whole day together. She didn't need me to answer, because she could clearly see how much this meant to me... and I could see how much it meant to her, too.
This day...a miracle.
Everyday a miracle.
Oh, how perfect! And how true! Although I have been through my fair share of tears and struggles trying to help that young life I call Tenele-Bell, instead of focusing on the failures and disappointments and pain, I realized that it truly is a miracle EVERY day that I get to see her. And God multiplied a few days with her during my last week. And it felt like I was indeed living in a miracle--not because anything extravagant happened, but simply because I realized... everyday a miracle.
To write in detail that last week in Swazi would take a separate blog in itself, but I will sum up the important parts:
I met with Cedric...several times. The first time I was a bit scared and nervous, but I think it helped that I came into his world, so to speak, by meeting him where he's at, no matter how uncomfortable it was for me at first. The second time was with Tenele and Tenele became more bold in front of him. In front of both of us and all of Cedric's friends, Tenele said, "Mary-Kate, he beat me yesterday."
"What?" I whipped around to look at Cedric.
He threw up his hands in defense and said, "Ask me why..."
"Why?"
"Look," he lifted up his chin and showed me a scab mark on his neck. "From her nails."
"Ouch," I commented. And then Tenele pulled up her shirt sleeve to show me her marks, "He beat me with a stick."
It was clear they had a fight about something the previous night. I put my arm around Cedric and said, "You know nobody touches my daughter like that, right?"
"I know..." he nodded and hung his head.
The last time I talked with him was a few days before I left...I bailed him out of prison. Now, it's not what you think. He got arrested with a group of 15 others (including women and children) because they were at the dumpsite (which apparently is illegal) and the police wanted some money. It was either a 500 rand bailout out or FIVE MONTHS in prison! How ridiculous! Tenele came to me and asked for my help. At first I was hesitant. But she told me Cedric specifically asked for me to help. There was no way, I could leave him for 5 months for really doing nothing wrong. So I agreed to help...and it turned out to be a blessing.
While we waited at the police station and courtroom, I spent some amazing time with Tenele. She is becoming so much more tender-hearted and open. It was amazing spending an entire day just waiting, talking, being with, and holding my daughter. I noticed something different about her, something in her eyes. Really, it was like I could see a brighter, lighter Tenele. And it's an incredible gift to see the Light of Christ start to chase away the darkness in her life. She's not there yet...but getting closer and closer!
After the long day, we finally bailed him out, and I talked with Cedric about changing his life, improving his own situation, looking for a job, and letting Tenele go. God has completely softened my heart for this young man as well. I realized he is just in need of love as Tenele. And I have been praying for God to redeem him as well. And as hard as it is to admit, Cedric, in some ways, has been good for Tenele...good because he has taken her out of the "prostitution" scene and good because he protects her from other men and her step-mother. Of course, I don't need to list all the ways he ISN'T good for her, but there's always good that can come from bad.
The best part about the whole day...oh, I have to back up for this to make sense. (So, I have an amazing Swazi friend who has been an angel to me. And I had talked to her about helping Tenele, and she was both moved and committed to helping. Her first impression of Tenele wasn't very good, as Tenele was not behaving well. And Tenele said she didn't like my friend, either. [I had already told Tenele that this woman could help her.] So, I had been very discouraged that this beautiful plan of mine to get those two connected had failed.) But during this whole situation with helping Cedric, Tenele turned to me and said, "Mary-Kate, since you did this for me, I will go with you to meet her again."
"Really?" I was shocked. I hadn't brought my friend up again because I thought that bridge was already burned.
"Yebo," she nodded.
"Tonight?" I asked.
She nodded and smiled.
"Okay!" So I called my friend and set up a date to meet that night. She had us over and cooked us dinner. And this night is when Tenele and I had the most amazing conversations I've ever had with her. She opened up about her life and her past. She listened intently to me and at the end of the night she asked if I was happy that we spent the whole day together. She didn't need me to answer, because she could clearly see how much this meant to me... and I could see how much it meant to her, too.
This day...a miracle.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Journals Continued: Cries of my Heart
4-19-11 Tuesday
I am in such agony. My heart hurts because I don't have much time left here. Jesus, I need your hope and grace and strength so desperately. Jehovah-Rapha, heal my breaking heart. Hear my desperate cries--the words that are so heavy with sorrow that they cannot make it to my lips. I need you near me. It is not by me or my strength that Tenele will be saved, but I yearn so desperately to see you touch and change her life.
I feel so stupid sometimes for crying this much. I'm trying too hard, planning too much, when my plans will come to nothing. I feel so alone and so frustrated because even though I know I shouldn't put so much pressure on myself to do things as if it depends only on me, at the same time I am so FRUSTRATED at people because who else will do it if I don't? WHERE IS THE HELP? WHERE IS SOMEONE TO HELP ME? I realized I am frustrated at others for not caring or helping theses girls that need desperate help...for not being moved to come or help...or...anything.
4-20-11
Your words, O my God, are beautiful. May these words no just be true in prophecy of Jerusalem, but of your daughter, Tenele:
Oh how deeply beautiful are your words. Let them touch and heal my heart. Let them fall by the Holy Spirit onto Tenele's soul, and Masterful Father, let these words be truth over her life as you set her free.
4-26-11 Tuesday
Lord, my heart is so heavy. I am loosing strength and hope. I know you are faithful and I know you are working, but I'm getting exhausted waiting for you deliverance. why haven't you set Tenele free? Why is my heart bitter and broken? Heal me, Jesus. Let me feel you near.
4-28-11 Thursday
God you are so good! Your faithfulness is incredible. Let you Word continue to fulfill your will and set Tenele free. Thank you, Jesus, for your guidance, love, and grace. Thank you, Holy Spirit, for paving and guiding every moment with Tenele today. I. Love. You. So. Much!
All yours,
always,
Kate
I am in such agony. My heart hurts because I don't have much time left here. Jesus, I need your hope and grace and strength so desperately. Jehovah-Rapha, heal my breaking heart. Hear my desperate cries--the words that are so heavy with sorrow that they cannot make it to my lips. I need you near me. It is not by me or my strength that Tenele will be saved, but I yearn so desperately to see you touch and change her life.
I feel so stupid sometimes for crying this much. I'm trying too hard, planning too much, when my plans will come to nothing. I feel so alone and so frustrated because even though I know I shouldn't put so much pressure on myself to do things as if it depends only on me, at the same time I am so FRUSTRATED at people because who else will do it if I don't? WHERE IS THE HELP? WHERE IS SOMEONE TO HELP ME? I realized I am frustrated at others for not caring or helping theses girls that need desperate help...for not being moved to come or help...or...anything.
4-20-11
Your words, O my God, are beautiful. May these words no just be true in prophecy of Jerusalem, but of your daughter, Tenele:
For Zion [TENELE'S] sake I will not be silent. For Jerusalem's sake I will not be quiet, until her [Tenele] vindication shine forth like the dawn and her victory like a burning torch.
Nations shall behold your vindication and kings your glory; you [Tenele] shall be called by a new name pronounced by the mouth of the Lord. You shall be a glorious crown in the hand of the Lord, a royal diadem held by your God.
No more shall men call you "Forsaken" or your land "Desolate" but you shall be called "My DELIGHT" and your land "ESPOUSED" for the Lord delights in you, and makes your land his spouse... your God rejoice in YOU."
Oh how deeply beautiful are your words. Let them touch and heal my heart. Let them fall by the Holy Spirit onto Tenele's soul, and Masterful Father, let these words be truth over her life as you set her free.
4-26-11 Tuesday
Lord, my heart is so heavy. I am loosing strength and hope. I know you are faithful and I know you are working, but I'm getting exhausted waiting for you deliverance. why haven't you set Tenele free? Why is my heart bitter and broken? Heal me, Jesus. Let me feel you near.
4-28-11 Thursday
God you are so good! Your faithfulness is incredible. Let you Word continue to fulfill your will and set Tenele free. Thank you, Jesus, for your guidance, love, and grace. Thank you, Holy Spirit, for paving and guiding every moment with Tenele today. I. Love. You. So. Much!
All yours,
always,
Kate
Is it Worth it?
As always, with Tenele, it's one big step forward, two steps back...but those bigs steps are always amazing when it happens.
After not hearing from Tenele for awhile, I went with Johannes to Mangwaneni one morning after church to talk to Cedric. I was nervous, a bit scared, but I knew it was what I was supposed to do. Johannes showed me to Cedric's door and knocked, talking in SiSwati with another man who opened the beaten up, wooden door. After talking for a bit, I introduced myself to Cedric's friend. They called inside to Cedric and after a bit of time, he eventually came out to meet me. Cedric speaks very good English, so I knew having a conversation wouldn't be a problem, but he never looked at me. He hung his head as I talked with him and wouldn't look me in the eyes. But when I see him, I no longer feel angry with him...I feel sad, and I see him as a boy--a young man--who needs help himself. I talked with him about letting Tenele go and what they were going to do with the baby. We didn't make much progress but he said he agreed with me to let Tenele leave Mangwaneni. They said Tenele wasn't there, even though I had heard her whisper inside before. Though our actual conversation didn't have much progress (because of course he will say that to my face) it was actually the start of more interactions with him to come.
My next interaction with Tenele was meant to be a joyful day. I took the kids to Mlilwane game park to swim. Unfortunately, it ended with the four teenage girls being upset with each other. Long story short, Tenele got into one of her stubborn moods and she claimed she was going to walk home...nearly impossible. But she refused to get in the car. After some frustration of my own, I threw my hands up, told Lydia to get in the driver's seat, and slammed the car door as I got out to walk with Tenele. Tenele asked me what I was doing and asked me to not walk with her and keep driving. "Nope," I said sternly. "If you're walking...I'm walking..."
So Lydia took off with the other kids and drove on ahead, leaving Tenele and I to wal the highway. I told Lydia to drive for awhile and pull over to give us plenty of time to talk.
On the walk, Tenele wouldn't really talk with me, so I talked at her. I talked about Cedric and her life. I talked about my frustrations. I told her how much I had done for her and how frustrating it was to see her like this and to not accept help. I told her I didn't know what to do with her anymore. I said some things in frustration but at the end I told her I loved her. "You know I love you, right?" She nodded. "You know how much I love you?" I asked. She shook her head. I told her I loved her as my own child, that I'd give my life for her and do anything to help her. I told her that I wasn't afraid of Cedric. I wasn't afraid to help her. I said I would march into her "house" and take her clothes and things and take her and leave...if that's what she wanted, I would get her out. I told her God had given me a mission to love her and help her and that just because I was leaving soon, didn't mean the love would be gone...because the love is the Lord's and he NEVER leaves. I talked too much, I teared up too much--showed my weakness and frustration with her. But maybe it was good.
That day was very distressful for me, and I was starting to believe the lies that have been thrown at me...that it's impossible to help this child. That she's only one girl and that she's comfortable in her lifestyle, so just let her live it. Here is an excerpt from my journal:
After not hearing from Tenele for awhile, I went with Johannes to Mangwaneni one morning after church to talk to Cedric. I was nervous, a bit scared, but I knew it was what I was supposed to do. Johannes showed me to Cedric's door and knocked, talking in SiSwati with another man who opened the beaten up, wooden door. After talking for a bit, I introduced myself to Cedric's friend. They called inside to Cedric and after a bit of time, he eventually came out to meet me. Cedric speaks very good English, so I knew having a conversation wouldn't be a problem, but he never looked at me. He hung his head as I talked with him and wouldn't look me in the eyes. But when I see him, I no longer feel angry with him...I feel sad, and I see him as a boy--a young man--who needs help himself. I talked with him about letting Tenele go and what they were going to do with the baby. We didn't make much progress but he said he agreed with me to let Tenele leave Mangwaneni. They said Tenele wasn't there, even though I had heard her whisper inside before. Though our actual conversation didn't have much progress (because of course he will say that to my face) it was actually the start of more interactions with him to come.
My next interaction with Tenele was meant to be a joyful day. I took the kids to Mlilwane game park to swim. Unfortunately, it ended with the four teenage girls being upset with each other. Long story short, Tenele got into one of her stubborn moods and she claimed she was going to walk home...nearly impossible. But she refused to get in the car. After some frustration of my own, I threw my hands up, told Lydia to get in the driver's seat, and slammed the car door as I got out to walk with Tenele. Tenele asked me what I was doing and asked me to not walk with her and keep driving. "Nope," I said sternly. "If you're walking...I'm walking..."
So Lydia took off with the other kids and drove on ahead, leaving Tenele and I to wal the highway. I told Lydia to drive for awhile and pull over to give us plenty of time to talk.
On the walk, Tenele wouldn't really talk with me, so I talked at her. I talked about Cedric and her life. I talked about my frustrations. I told her how much I had done for her and how frustrating it was to see her like this and to not accept help. I told her I didn't know what to do with her anymore. I said some things in frustration but at the end I told her I loved her. "You know I love you, right?" She nodded. "You know how much I love you?" I asked. She shook her head. I told her I loved her as my own child, that I'd give my life for her and do anything to help her. I told her that I wasn't afraid of Cedric. I wasn't afraid to help her. I said I would march into her "house" and take her clothes and things and take her and leave...if that's what she wanted, I would get her out. I told her God had given me a mission to love her and help her and that just because I was leaving soon, didn't mean the love would be gone...because the love is the Lord's and he NEVER leaves. I talked too much, I teared up too much--showed my weakness and frustration with her. But maybe it was good.
That day was very distressful for me, and I was starting to believe the lies that have been thrown at me...that it's impossible to help this child. That she's only one girl and that she's comfortable in her lifestyle, so just let her live it. Here is an excerpt from my journal:
Maybe her life is fine the way it is. She copes. She'sl learned to live that way. She's learned to stuff the pain, to accept the beatings, to hide her fear, to lie like it's her life. This is the only life she knows, who am I to think I can take her from it...to give her hope? I am so sick of the pain and tears. I just cried so hard. I am so homesick, but when I think about leaving them I cry so hard.
What do I do, Lord? I know...nothing.
But I cannot accept the lies that tell me to give up. I cannot accept the lies satan's feeding me that Tenele should stay in her "comfort zone" lifestyle. I cannot believe that it's hopeless. I cannot accept the lie that she is only one girl, and there are so many like her that live that life, sot it's fin for her to live it. Though I want to give up, one life can truly make a difference. And if I can't help all the girls like her, it is still worth it to try to help one.
Journal Entries Continued: April 14th
4-14-11 Thursday
Wow, God! I am speechless! I cannot thank and praise you enough for your goodness and how you are working in Tenele's life. Your surprises take my breath away! Thank you for your power and goodness and victory. Continue to send your Spirit upon Tenele! Set her free.
Today was incredible. After school in the morning, I was just chillin at the house when it started down pouring, and I heard my name. It almost sounded like Tenele's voice but I knew not to get my hopes up. But it came again, and there she was! With Johannes and her friend Zinhle. I was so surprised! They came up and Tenele was herself. They looked through pictures on my laptop and then suddenly Tenele got up, told her friend to keep looking, grabbed my hand and pulled me aside. We went to my room to talk. I had been praying for an opportunity to have a real conversation with her. I hadn't had a real conversation with her all year. She said my name and paused, like she wanted to say something but didn't. Then she talked about her photos. I took the opportunity to talk with her about being pregnant and said we should to to the clinic so she could get checked to see for sure if she was pregnant or not. When I asked to take her there today, she said, "No, tomorrow..." but I said, "No, Tenele, because you won't come tomorrow. We need to go today." Then she nodded in agreement and said, "okay." I was shocked. "Really?!" "Yes," she said, without a fight! Wow! It was amazing.
God, how can I not be captivated by you? Though I'm eager to record every detail of today, I just can't praise you enough. Psalm 145 says it all. Lord, you have captured my heart. You are all I need. Your love is my breath, always there, always present and moving and fulfilling. Thank you!
Touch Cedric in his sleep tonight. Speak to his heart. Wake him and shake him from his sin. Soften his heart as you finally did to Pharaoh, that he will let Tenele go.
You, Oh Lord, are Victory.
All my love,
all of me,
all the time,
Mary-Kate
4-15-11 Friday
Since I didn't have time to recall all the events from yesterday, I am writing this morning. So yesterday...
Tenele willingly came to the clinic with me! Johannes and Zinhle were asked to stay in the outside waiting while I went in with Tenele. It was so good because the doctor asked her questions in English and Tenele was nervous and embarrassed to answer in front of me. He asked her about her boyfriend and other personal questions that were good for Tenele to answer in front of me...
While we waited for the pregnancy test results, poor girl was so nervous and ashamed. I encourage her, hugged her, held her hand, I gently lifted her chin so she'd look at me and I said, "Good job, Tenele. I am so proud of you for coming."
I watched the test as it showed positive. When the docs told her it was positive, her face fell, the doc said, "Congratulations, you're pregnant!" and she laughed awkwardly. I sighed, embraced the news, and smiling said to Tenele, "Okay, you're pregnant. Now that means I'm a gogo." (grandma)
As we waited for some medicine, just the two of us sat together and talked. For the first time in 8 months, we had a real conversation! Because of this, it's a day I will never forget. I told her about Marcia and how Marcia could help her. We talked about "no more drinking and smoking" and I asked about what they are going to do with the baby. (no plans) I asked about Cedric and if how he treats her and beats her, etc. Instead of denying it as she always did, she actually talked about it this time! She said, "Mary-Kate..."
"Yeah?"
"He no more beats me."
"Really? Why?"
"I told him if he beats me again I'll tell Mary-Kate and she'll come with the police. He don't beat me now."
I couldn't help but laugh with joy. She's FINALLY getting it! (I had been trying to tell her over and over that there are things we can do to help her get away from Cedric and that he shouldn't be beating her, etc.) She's finally taking a step on her own to stand up to Cedric and to embrace that she does have a choice, and that she should not be beaten. Hallelujah! Yebo Jesu! :)
She told me about how she ran into her sister from Fairview yesterday and her sister told her she needs to leave Cedric. But it's really good because Tenele seems more interested in leaving Cedric, though you can tell she's still not quite ready by her eyes when I asked, "Tenele, do you WANT to leave Cedric?" She hesitated and said yes, but her eyes said she wasn't ready to leave. But I could just SEE the inner battle she faces--she wants to leave of course, yet she's not ready.
I asked if I could talk to Cedric. Surprisingly, she said yes this time. She has told me no before. "I will tell him today you want to talk to him," she said with a big smile on her face.
Back at the house, I prodded her further. "Should I write him a note?" she shook her head yes and smiled. So I wrote him a one page letter, asking how he is, telling him I pray for him, teling him my mission ot care for Tenele, asking him to encrouage her to make the right choice and leave Mangwaneni while she's prengnat, etc.
After writing the letter, I asked if the kids were hungry. Tenele nodded yes! (Sometimes she refuses to eat.) So I made them fried eggs and peanut butter bread. They ate every last bite.
I walked them a long way back to Mangwaneni but turned around before the traffic circle. I hugged Tenele and prayed for her right there on the street corner. And I prayed for Cedric and the letter.
Oh, Lord, touch their hearts. Yahweh, there is power in your name!
Wow, God! I am speechless! I cannot thank and praise you enough for your goodness and how you are working in Tenele's life. Your surprises take my breath away! Thank you for your power and goodness and victory. Continue to send your Spirit upon Tenele! Set her free.
Today was incredible. After school in the morning, I was just chillin at the house when it started down pouring, and I heard my name. It almost sounded like Tenele's voice but I knew not to get my hopes up. But it came again, and there she was! With Johannes and her friend Zinhle. I was so surprised! They came up and Tenele was herself. They looked through pictures on my laptop and then suddenly Tenele got up, told her friend to keep looking, grabbed my hand and pulled me aside. We went to my room to talk. I had been praying for an opportunity to have a real conversation with her. I hadn't had a real conversation with her all year. She said my name and paused, like she wanted to say something but didn't. Then she talked about her photos. I took the opportunity to talk with her about being pregnant and said we should to to the clinic so she could get checked to see for sure if she was pregnant or not. When I asked to take her there today, she said, "No, tomorrow..." but I said, "No, Tenele, because you won't come tomorrow. We need to go today." Then she nodded in agreement and said, "okay." I was shocked. "Really?!" "Yes," she said, without a fight! Wow! It was amazing.
God, how can I not be captivated by you? Though I'm eager to record every detail of today, I just can't praise you enough. Psalm 145 says it all. Lord, you have captured my heart. You are all I need. Your love is my breath, always there, always present and moving and fulfilling. Thank you!
Touch Cedric in his sleep tonight. Speak to his heart. Wake him and shake him from his sin. Soften his heart as you finally did to Pharaoh, that he will let Tenele go.
You, Oh Lord, are Victory.
All my love,
all of me,
all the time,
Mary-Kate
4-15-11 Friday
Since I didn't have time to recall all the events from yesterday, I am writing this morning. So yesterday...
Tenele willingly came to the clinic with me! Johannes and Zinhle were asked to stay in the outside waiting while I went in with Tenele. It was so good because the doctor asked her questions in English and Tenele was nervous and embarrassed to answer in front of me. He asked her about her boyfriend and other personal questions that were good for Tenele to answer in front of me...
While we waited for the pregnancy test results, poor girl was so nervous and ashamed. I encourage her, hugged her, held her hand, I gently lifted her chin so she'd look at me and I said, "Good job, Tenele. I am so proud of you for coming."
I watched the test as it showed positive. When the docs told her it was positive, her face fell, the doc said, "Congratulations, you're pregnant!" and she laughed awkwardly. I sighed, embraced the news, and smiling said to Tenele, "Okay, you're pregnant. Now that means I'm a gogo." (grandma)
As we waited for some medicine, just the two of us sat together and talked. For the first time in 8 months, we had a real conversation! Because of this, it's a day I will never forget. I told her about Marcia and how Marcia could help her. We talked about "no more drinking and smoking" and I asked about what they are going to do with the baby. (no plans) I asked about Cedric and if how he treats her and beats her, etc. Instead of denying it as she always did, she actually talked about it this time! She said, "Mary-Kate..."
"Yeah?"
"He no more beats me."
"Really? Why?"
"I told him if he beats me again I'll tell Mary-Kate and she'll come with the police. He don't beat me now."
I couldn't help but laugh with joy. She's FINALLY getting it! (I had been trying to tell her over and over that there are things we can do to help her get away from Cedric and that he shouldn't be beating her, etc.) She's finally taking a step on her own to stand up to Cedric and to embrace that she does have a choice, and that she should not be beaten. Hallelujah! Yebo Jesu! :)
She told me about how she ran into her sister from Fairview yesterday and her sister told her she needs to leave Cedric. But it's really good because Tenele seems more interested in leaving Cedric, though you can tell she's still not quite ready by her eyes when I asked, "Tenele, do you WANT to leave Cedric?" She hesitated and said yes, but her eyes said she wasn't ready to leave. But I could just SEE the inner battle she faces--she wants to leave of course, yet she's not ready.
I asked if I could talk to Cedric. Surprisingly, she said yes this time. She has told me no before. "I will tell him today you want to talk to him," she said with a big smile on her face.
Back at the house, I prodded her further. "Should I write him a note?" she shook her head yes and smiled. So I wrote him a one page letter, asking how he is, telling him I pray for him, teling him my mission ot care for Tenele, asking him to encrouage her to make the right choice and leave Mangwaneni while she's prengnat, etc.
After writing the letter, I asked if the kids were hungry. Tenele nodded yes! (Sometimes she refuses to eat.) So I made them fried eggs and peanut butter bread. They ate every last bite.
I walked them a long way back to Mangwaneni but turned around before the traffic circle. I hugged Tenele and prayed for her right there on the street corner. And I prayed for Cedric and the letter.
Oh, Lord, touch their hearts. Yahweh, there is power in your name!
Yahweh sets prisoners free! (Ps 146:7)
A Journal Summary of the Final Month
A series of journal entries that say more than what I could tell you now about how my adventure in Swaziland was coming to an end:
4-3-11
I need to turn up the heat, pump harder, run faster. For those who hope in the Lord will soar on wings like eagles, run and not grow weary, walk and not be faint. OH wash away my sin and let me soar like an eagle. I am yours. You are my God. Hear and answer as I continue my prayers for Tenele. I will not cease because your love, your grace, and your goodness never ends. May your very beauty and power wash over me, O Spirit. Let these last weeks here be the best weeks of ministry yet. May the miracle of Easter come alive in Tenele's heart...that she can make one bold decision to step out in faith to take the jump...and land on the wings of an Eagle! Yebo Jesu!
4-7-11
Oh breath of life come breathe on me. Bread of life come fill me up! Lord, thank you for working through my heart and my life...even when I don't know it. Lord, you said, 'Those who look to the Lord are radiant and their faces shall never be ashamed.' Thank you for making me radiant! Today Eilidh said that two of her students wrote about me in their compositions about love. It's crazy how you can touch people when I "do" nothing. It just goes to show it has nothing to do with me. Lord, I have taken the passenger seat once again, and let you take the driver's seat as it should be. Continue to touch lives, change hearts, and turn Swazi upside down!
4-8-11
God, I am going to cry like a baby in a month when I have to leave. :( I got tears in my eyes already when I saw the picture of Tenele by my fingerprints wall. Oh how my heart hurts so so so much for her and the new life she's carrying. Jesu, give that baby a good home. Put the child in good human hands that reflect your hands. Even if that means...mine.
Lord, please prepare my heart to leave and heal the hurting already.
Thank you for a wonderful Friday at school! At break time, I brought my football and taught the kids 500! And Sebenele has an INCREDIBLE arm! I want to teach him to play real American football. :) Also it was nice having Mr. Matsebula ask me (no, actually tell me) to lead prayer at the assembly today. It was wonderful being able to pray over and with all the students. I'm soaking in these moments. Lord, I love you. You are my life -- and that's why I can go anywhere because no matter where I go, there you are. Thank you.
4-10-11
God, you are so good. Your goodness washes over me. Your Spirit is my hope and strength. Thank you for redeeming and restoring. Thank you for the gift of seeing Tenele today! You amaze me. Thank you for brining Johannes and Ayanda over this morning and having our bible study. Thank you for Alex and our trip to Mangwaneni, and how you clearly had this all orchestrated...
As we walked through Mangwaneni to Johannes' place, Johannes pointed out Tenele on the way. When Tenele saw us, she hesitated as always and almost seemed as if she wasn't going to come, but she finally wandered over. I didn't talk too much to her. She didn't seem drunk or high, yet she wasn't quite herself. She reached for my hand a few times but only briefly. She didn't stay long, but she did walk all the way with us to see Johannes' baby niece.
Tenele then said she was leaving but I told her to wait. She shook her head no and started to walk away but I gently grabbed her wrist and despite her pulling I refused to let go. She finally let me pull her back in and she leaned into my hug. I took her hands and had her face me. I said, "Tenele, if you're pregnant (up to this point she still hadn't admitted to me that she was pregnant), you can't drink or smoke. It will hurt the baby." I wanted to see her response and I expected her to laugh like last time, to turn away and deny her being pregnant. She did none of the above. I was surprised when she looked at me and slightly nodded. I repeated what I said and talked about how she needs to take care of herself and the baby. She said nothing (which speaks volumes) and nodded. I told her, "Tenele, you need to tell me these things so that I can help you." She nodded and her eyes told me she truly understood. Her eyes also told me what her mouth doesn't. As we said goodbye, I caught a glimmer of tears in her eyes. Her eyes told me she was pregnant, that she understood, and that she was carrying the pain.
When I got back, I sat on my bed and cried again for Tenele.
4-13-11
I just left Johannes and he made me cry. He blessed me, prayed for me, showed me Luke 18 and said the verse about leaving your family and being blessed was about me and he commended me for it. He talked about not coming to the volunteer house anymore when I am gone because it'd be too painful for him because I wont' be there. Oh God, I am weeping now--how painful it hurts to know my leaving hurts these kids so much.
4-3-11
I need to turn up the heat, pump harder, run faster. For those who hope in the Lord will soar on wings like eagles, run and not grow weary, walk and not be faint. OH wash away my sin and let me soar like an eagle. I am yours. You are my God. Hear and answer as I continue my prayers for Tenele. I will not cease because your love, your grace, and your goodness never ends. May your very beauty and power wash over me, O Spirit. Let these last weeks here be the best weeks of ministry yet. May the miracle of Easter come alive in Tenele's heart...that she can make one bold decision to step out in faith to take the jump...and land on the wings of an Eagle! Yebo Jesu!
4-7-11
Oh breath of life come breathe on me. Bread of life come fill me up! Lord, thank you for working through my heart and my life...even when I don't know it. Lord, you said, 'Those who look to the Lord are radiant and their faces shall never be ashamed.' Thank you for making me radiant! Today Eilidh said that two of her students wrote about me in their compositions about love. It's crazy how you can touch people when I "do" nothing. It just goes to show it has nothing to do with me. Lord, I have taken the passenger seat once again, and let you take the driver's seat as it should be. Continue to touch lives, change hearts, and turn Swazi upside down!
4-8-11
God, I am going to cry like a baby in a month when I have to leave. :( I got tears in my eyes already when I saw the picture of Tenele by my fingerprints wall. Oh how my heart hurts so so so much for her and the new life she's carrying. Jesu, give that baby a good home. Put the child in good human hands that reflect your hands. Even if that means...mine.
Lord, please prepare my heart to leave and heal the hurting already.
Thank you for a wonderful Friday at school! At break time, I brought my football and taught the kids 500! And Sebenele has an INCREDIBLE arm! I want to teach him to play real American football. :) Also it was nice having Mr. Matsebula ask me (no, actually tell me) to lead prayer at the assembly today. It was wonderful being able to pray over and with all the students. I'm soaking in these moments. Lord, I love you. You are my life -- and that's why I can go anywhere because no matter where I go, there you are. Thank you.
4-10-11
God, you are so good. Your goodness washes over me. Your Spirit is my hope and strength. Thank you for redeeming and restoring. Thank you for the gift of seeing Tenele today! You amaze me. Thank you for brining Johannes and Ayanda over this morning and having our bible study. Thank you for Alex and our trip to Mangwaneni, and how you clearly had this all orchestrated...
As we walked through Mangwaneni to Johannes' place, Johannes pointed out Tenele on the way. When Tenele saw us, she hesitated as always and almost seemed as if she wasn't going to come, but she finally wandered over. I didn't talk too much to her. She didn't seem drunk or high, yet she wasn't quite herself. She reached for my hand a few times but only briefly. She didn't stay long, but she did walk all the way with us to see Johannes' baby niece.
Tenele then said she was leaving but I told her to wait. She shook her head no and started to walk away but I gently grabbed her wrist and despite her pulling I refused to let go. She finally let me pull her back in and she leaned into my hug. I took her hands and had her face me. I said, "Tenele, if you're pregnant (up to this point she still hadn't admitted to me that she was pregnant), you can't drink or smoke. It will hurt the baby." I wanted to see her response and I expected her to laugh like last time, to turn away and deny her being pregnant. She did none of the above. I was surprised when she looked at me and slightly nodded. I repeated what I said and talked about how she needs to take care of herself and the baby. She said nothing (which speaks volumes) and nodded. I told her, "Tenele, you need to tell me these things so that I can help you." She nodded and her eyes told me she truly understood. Her eyes also told me what her mouth doesn't. As we said goodbye, I caught a glimmer of tears in her eyes. Her eyes told me she was pregnant, that she understood, and that she was carrying the pain.
When I got back, I sat on my bed and cried again for Tenele.
4-13-11
I just left Johannes and he made me cry. He blessed me, prayed for me, showed me Luke 18 and said the verse about leaving your family and being blessed was about me and he commended me for it. He talked about not coming to the volunteer house anymore when I am gone because it'd be too painful for him because I wont' be there. Oh God, I am weeping now--how painful it hurts to know my leaving hurts these kids so much.
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