Devastation. Heartbreak. Disappointment. Loss. Death. Suffering.
Our Savior is not immune to those, and neither are we/am I.
In just the last few months, I’ve suffered a number of losses and attempted to carry close to my heart the ones I love through their worst moments. I held a screaming daughter who suffered the blow of losing her birth mother. Death is hard but it’s even worse when the one who died left you will terrible memories, or worse, rejection of belonging – and there was no reconciliation though the daughter had tried. It took everything in me to hold myself together as I held her – crying, weeping, and screaming in pain. A pain much worse than something physical. A loss deeper than physical death. She sobbed onto my shoulder, my shirt soaked up her young adult tears and running nose, and she collapsed onto my lap, a heap of defeat, whimpering and wishing life had turned out differently. What do you say in that moment? What could I say? What could I do? But just hold her. And let her tears soak my heart that I may lighten her burden, if only just to make it a little Lighter.
Then I suffered something as a mother I was never prepared to handle in this life. Walking the girls through restoration after years of abuse is hard and painful but it was never a “present” suffering but one of their past. But this day changed all that. A young lady I love as my own was raped on her way home from church. I was called and got to the scene as quickly as possible, just hours after the assault. When I saw her, there was nothing in my body that could hold me together this time. The ripped shirt, blood all over her clothes, muddied shoes and legs. The lifeless look in her eyes. I can’t even write this now without crying. I cannot unsee what I saw that afternoon. She fell into my arms as I hugged her and I wanted to cover her body with mine and beg God to undo what had just happened. But you cannot undo rape. I was fiercely angry at God. So is she. But her faith is extraordinary, and it brings me to tears. I can’t write much more because it is still so ravishingly painful and current. I will never make sense of it. But I still trust in God’s goodness and in His justice. (More at the end)
My shirt, my shoulders, and my heart have soaked in tremendous amounts of pain and heartbreak, both my own and for those I love.
I break every time one of the girls breaks relationship with me, cuts me out, wants to pursue their own life and pretend like I was never a part of theirs to begin with. To be honest, thought I've written about it before, I still struggle a lot with being “substitute” Mom. I have never and will never see them as my “substitute” children, but I know to many of them I am only in their lives for seasons, only Mom until they grow up and move out and go back to other family, even if it was the family that caused abuse and pain to begin with. I have to try hard to daily refuse my pride, anger, and even jealousy and embrace my calling as second Mom. Still, I can’t deny it’s painful. I can’t help but wonder where I have failed as a Mom and as a minister whenever the girls fail or run away or make a mess of life decisions. Girls who’d rather have baby daddies or sugar daddies than pursue education or a future. Girls who’d rather go back to abusive situations or people than humble themselves and ask for help or forgiveness. My first daughter from 14 years ago now (14 years!) … her cyclical rejection still breaks my heart. I thought it'd be easier by now.
All of these combined weighed heavily on me one night as I spewed out in my journal the following:
“Lord, what have I done to receive such rejection and ill-treatment from my own daughters? I just don’t understand. The very ones who used to bind up my wounds are the ones shooting arrows at my heart. When did I become the enemy to them? Do they not see? Do they not care? They watch me bleed and then turn away. Extending grace after grace to them in their darkest moments and yet they turn against me. This battle is not against flesh and blood but the powers of the dark world. She watches demons tear at my flesh, and she doesn’t care. She traded in Truth for a lie, love for slavery, and now she boasts of her sin and doesn’t care who it hurts along the way.
I bound up your wounds but you ignored mine.
I held you as you broke, but you didn’t care breaking me.
I wiped away your tears, but you laughed at mine.
I gave you grace and second chances, but you blamed me for your pain.
I took you in when you were dirty and cast aside, but now you lock me out of your life.
I washed the blood from your hands, but you watch me bleed.
And then I reread.
This is Jesus, not me. A tiny glimpse of His pain when He pours out His love day after day, yet we walk away.
O Jesus, let me bind up Your wounds, wipe away Your tears.
Wash me in Your blood and make me able to endure the lashes and wounds of my own
Which you have endured from me
Jesus, forgive me. Forgive the ones who’ve hurt me and turned against You. They know not what they do.
I weep. I bleed. But I know You see.”
One reason why I love Our Lord so much is the freedom He gives us to be raw and real, to process exactly how we feel in the moment, whether our feelings are true or not. And when I am able to come before my King with raw emotions and express them so freely, He brings such deep healing and Truth. Where pain darkens our view and makes us self-focused, He heals our blindness and shows us all the glory that surrounds us even in the darkest, deepest pain. Though I've been betrayed, hurt, lied to, stolen from, used, rejected, etc. by many, I've been loved, seen, heard, held, prayed for, blessed with gifts (financial, material, letters, words, or hugs), chosen, and supported by SO MANY MORE. I think the biggest "win" I can bless God for is the way this beautiful daughter of His has responded after such a horrific experience after walking home from church. I'm still walking this healing road with her (pray for us), but she wrote a letter to herself from God's perspective to encourage her, and this is what she wrote:
Dear Daughter,
I know you are angry with me and I understand why. You are my strong warrior and strongest solider ever. You will not believe right now what I already told you but later you will...Your plans and future are not ruined. I still have them with me and I will take care of them until you want to use them. Papa loves you always know and I will punish the wicked, but know that I am deeply in love with you. You may not understand now, it may take time. But that 10% left of trust that you have for Me - means more than you know. Love, Papa
