When I Thought it Couldn't Get Worse

Tenele didn’t come on Tuesday like she said. On Wednesday, Temu and Londi came by because their house in Mangwaneni had burned down and all their school clothes and uniforms were gone, so I had told them to come by and I’d take them to get school shoes. Temu told me that Tenele told her to tell me that Tenele was coming tomorrow. When “tomorrow” came, she still didn’t come. Saturday rolled around and still no Tenele. Johannes had called me because he was very ill, so I picked him up and took him to the hospital. While we waited (for HOURS) we talked about Tenele. Then Johannes very seriously told me something about Tenele that I never wanted to hear.

“She’s pregnant…”

On Sunday Johannes came to church with me. After church, I took him back to Mangwaneni and told him I was going to find Tenele to ask her about being pregnant. I sent Johannes and Ayanda to fetch her as I waited a littler farther up camp with some of the little kids hanging on me. Ayanda called back to me, “She wants you to come down.”

I shook my head, “No, tell her to come up here. I’m waiting.”

Then Johannes added, “She says she won’t come unless she sees you.”

Ugh, I rolled my eyes in frustration. Then I saw Tenele peek around the corner. She was laughing… a laugh I recognized and never liked… it’s a laugh that covers up her shame, so I knew something wasn’t quite right. She wouldn’t come up, but beckoned me down. So I walked down to her. Then I realized she wanted me to come down so that Cedric could see me. It was a safety precaution on her end, because if she’s with me, she knows Cedric won’t do anything to her. When I hugged her I could smell the smoke and my heart sank, once again. She was doing so well and she had told Johannes that she was going to stop smoking, but here she was partially high again. I grabbed her hand and told her to come with me to talk. She said no but I said, “Five minutes, just give me five minutes.”

She said, “Okay, just wait…” and went back to the house where a bunch of guys were sitting outside smoking daga (weed). I didn’t know what she was doing, but I waited. When she came back out she had gum in her mouth, as if she thought she could cover up the smoke. Oh, Tenele…

I asked her about being pregnant; she laughed and pulled away from me. “I was just joking,” she told me. Despite my efforts to try to have a conversation with her, she obviously wasn’t in the right mind to do so, so I left. I still wasn’t sure if she was really pregnant or not. She told me no, but of course she would tell me no. On the other hand, she could have also told that to Johannes for attention as well…but all I could think about was if she was really pregnant or not...she's a mere 15 years old and cannot even take care of herself. How would she ever be able to take care of a baby?

Return of the Prodigal Daughter

I have read the story of the prodigal son many times before, but I have never really thought about how the father felt the moment he saw his son coming…until now. After waiting and waiting and waiting, the day finally came when his son returned! Well…the next day after Tenele’s visit, I was sitting at the table in the common room when I heard my name. It’s usually a daily occurrence when someone comes to the house calling my name, and sometimes it gets annoying because all I want to do is chill out so I don’t always go to the balcony right away to answer. But this time I leapt out of my chair because the voice that called my name was…TENELE!

She came with Temu, Londi, and Ayanda again. We hung out at the house for a bit and then went to the mall to print some pictures of the girls. After the mall, I expected to say goodbye, and though Ayanda and Temu left, Tenele, surprisingly wanted to go back with me to the house. This never happens…she’s usually the first to leave, so I was quite shocked. Again, she told me she was going to come every day this week. I smiled and said, “okay,” trying to hope for her to follow through again, but at the same time tried not to get my hopes up to be crushed again. At the end of the day, I walked her and Londi partway home, and she held my hand the whole way. It was one of the best days with her, because it was like the real Tenele, the young, innocent, beautiful, full-of-life Tenele-Belle was back. I wanted to bottle up the memories of that day, such pure joy of seeing her, I couldn’t help but think immediately of the father when his son returned.

Here is a bit of my journal entry of the day:
3-21-11 Journal Entry
I have cried out again and again, “How long, oh Lord?” And with your mighty and merciful and majestic arm you have answered, and once again blown me away by your goodness and glory! Thank you for surprising me by Tenele’s presence and appearance on her own today. This is the FIRST DAY she has come to the house by her own will in two months! YEBO JESU! Oh it was so amazing. The prodigal daughter is returning!
OH MY HEART BEATS IN SOLID GRATITUDE.

Take Me Home

“Please, Mary-Kate, can you take me home with you?”

After a delightful day with Tenele about a month ago, her question still rolls around on my heart. I remember the moment almost perfectly. And it broke me, because though I want more than anything to take her home with me, I know I can’t. It won’t solve her problems; it won’t help her character. Yet, I can’t erase the memory of the moment she asked. It was an incredible day because I hadn’t seen Tenele in a long time…

3-20-11 Journal Entry

OH HAPPY DAY! Ngiyabonga Jesu wami kakhulu kakhulu! Oh, thank you Sweet Lord for an incredible gift today! Thank you for bringing Tenele here! Yebo Jesu!

I was in church this morning and aching so badly and almost crying about Tenele. Fr. Martin sang “You are Mine” and it was so beautiful and made me think of Tenele. Then all of a sudden I had this inner urge to go to Mangwaneni today. So I went and I was really scared (because of last time) but Johannes took my hand and led me through to find Tenele. We saw Khanyi on the way and she went ahead to fetch Tenele. Tenele came out and saw me and was surprised and said, “Ay, ay, ay, Johan” then turned to Khanyi to say something I imagine to be, “You tricked me. You didn’t say Mary-Kate was here.” But she was so wonderful! She was the Tenele I know—not drunk or high, not being mean or rebellious. It was beautiful, Lord, so so beautiful! So, I convinced her with the help of Johannes to come back to Salesian with me. So Temu, Ayanda, and Tenele all came. After a quick grocery shopping spree with Mama Mary-Kate we went back to my house. They sang and ate and laughed and talked.

Oh, it was so wonderful! Even Lydia commented when Tenele left that she was different and sincere and can see Tenele really wants a better life. I want to so badly to take her home, but I know that won’t solve her life. I told Tenele that I told Mom I wanted to adopt her and she laughed joyously. I told her if she is serious about wanting to come, she has to be serious while she’s here—no playing around anymore. I talked to her about McCorkindales orphanage and SWAGAA (counseling center for abused women). I pray everything we talked about holds true. I told her about SWAGAA and how I told them about her and how they can protect her from Cedric. I was trying to convince her that if she wants to leave Cedric, she can do so without him beating her…that she can get help. Once I said that she was so happy and said she wanted to go with me to SWAGAA. She really is afraid to leave Cedric, but she really wants to. Oh Lord, set her free! Bring her home to you!

She said she’d come back this week… “Mary-Kate, I’m coming! Every day…Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday…I’m coming.” I smiled with a wink, delighted at her excitement, yet I knew better than to get my hopes up because she never comes through on her word. But, I didn’t want to dwell on the doubt; I was just thrilled to see umtfwana wami (my child) again.

As I reflect on her request to come home with me, I realized she has never really had a “home”— her real mother chased her from her home because the step-father didn’t want her, she lived with a step-mother who beat and abused her, she’s been on the street, and going from place to place, and now she lives with Cedric, the closest thing she has to calling a home…no wonder why it's so difficult for her to leave him.

All she wants is a place to call home.

Marching On

"March on and weather the storm, for a rainbow is just around the corner."

My dad wrote that in a card to me the first time I came to Africa. It's a comment I have never forgotten. The past few months have been extremely difficult, with the intense heat, demanding hours spent trying to figure out how to teach and motivate my students, saying no to people who ask for school fees because I don't have enough money to help, entertaining "my kids" and tutoring them in their school work, and battling loneliness and exhaustion. To sum things up, here's what a wrote to a dear friend in a message:

I am dying to get home. I am soooo worn out. I am exhausted. I am weary. I am in desperate need to be refreshed. I can't wait to be home with my family. I can't wait to see friends again. I can't wait to lie in my bed and not sweat...I can't wait to lie in my bed and not be a little scared or have to pray off satan every night. I can't wait to sleep soundly and wake up without back problems. I can't wait to go ONE day without someone asking me for money. I can't wait to be with Grandma. I can't wait for weddings! I can't wait to actually have real communication with people. I can't wait for someone to put their hand on me and pray for me. I can't wait to worship with christians my age. I can't wait to have time to process through everything here...to just REST. to be refreshed. I am so eager to leave.

YET...
I am already depressed that I only have 4 weeks left here. I am sad to leave my students. These students are by far the most challenging but best class I've ever taught. I want to cry right now thinking about leaving them. And the worst is when they ask me not to leave.

I already had trouble sleeping the past two nights thinking about leaving. I had a dream where I did leave and didn't shed a tear. I was happy to be home until I realized I had gone so quickly that I didn't get to say goodbye to my kids. And I realized that I had left everything in my room except dirty clothes that I brought home. I hadn't even packed. Then I started freaking out because I had to go back and say goodbye, but I didn't have money and I couldnt' go back. It was the WORST feeling. It was like a nightmare to me. And in my dream I started praying and saying, "Lord, PLEASE let this be a dream! Please let this be a dream!!" Then i woke up...

Though I want to go home, it will be the most painful thing I've experienced...to leave my children behind, knowing they have pain of their own. When I leave I get to go HOME...to people who love me and care for me. But when I leave them, they don't get that. They just get hurt. :(

The worst part, what makes it hardest to leave is of course Tenele. If it weren't for her, it wouldn't be AS painful to go. But some things have happened recently that make it all the more difficult for me to leave her...(but you'll have to wait for the next blog to hear about all of that.) But it's a burden I can't carry. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to pray. I am frustrated and alone. I am burdened and hurting. I am so sick of praying for her freedom over and over and over again. I know God is working, I know HE is. But it doesn't take away the pain or the frustration in the moment. I want things to happen in my timing. I don't want to wait anymore. But he says, "Kate, trust me. Don't give up." And I think, "But God it is so hard. I am sick of waiting. I am sick of pouring out myself to Tenele and these girls when nothing's happening. What more do you want from me?"

Anyway, but good things are still happening here. I'm trying not to be so overwhelmed, but it is so hard because it is so lonely. I have never been so lonely in all my life. On the other hand, I am learning to depend on God solely. And that is something incredible.

So those are some of the storms...but here are things that keep me going, smiling, giving, loving, and marching on...towards the rainbow.

-My basketball team is amazing. The girls always make me feel loved, calling me nicknames like "Precious" and "Kobe" or "The Kobress" because they think I have a beautiful shot. They are a divine blessing and I don't know what I would do here without them and without some good hard basketball as an outlet for stress.
-Speaking of basketball, we hosted a tournament last weekend and I was interviewed and on Swazi TV!

-I went horseback riding with some other volunteers through the gorgeous countryside of Swazi.

-I recently went on a safari with Lydia and her parents, who are here visiting her. We got so close to an elephant we could almost touch him! We saw hippos, rhinos, elephants, zebras, giraffes, and lots more. I will be uploading the pictures soon.
-We celebrated Pununu's birthday last night with Johannes and Ayanda and Tenele!
-Easter is coming!
-We are starting to raise funds for the new girls' home, which will be opened in Jan. 2012!
-We are trying to come up with ways for young teenage girls to make some money other than prostitution
-Skype!
-phone calls
-letters
-my friend sent me a list of things to look forward to when I get home and it was amazing. I think she knows me more than I know myself!
-the list of good things goes on

Despite the storm, I know the rainbow is there, because God is good ALL the time.

And in the words of one of my favorite songs,

"Sometimes He calms the storm; other times, He calms His child."