In my Absence is His Presence

A few years ago, I wrote a poem as my mission prayer for Swazi:

Not my Love to Give

I have learned what it is to love deeply from the heart.

But I have learned that it is not my love to give; it’s Yours.

So, let me love so boldly, believe so fiercely,

fight so selflessly, hurt so deeply,

serve so humbly, surrender so wholly,

and forgive so endlessly that I completely disappear 

and ALL they see is you, Jesus.

May they not remember me, but remember Your love.

I didn't realize it then, but this prayer has transformed my life in Swazi, which is why it forever holds my heart. The most beautiful part of the miracle of Tenele's life is that it is not about me or what I did.  In fact, if it were about me and her renewed life depended on me, then she wouldn't be where she is today because I could never be enough or do enough.  That's all part of being human.  That's why Paul praises and celebrates weakness and struggle (2 Corinthians 12:8-10) because where our strength ends is where God's truly begins!  There is no better example of this than Tenele herself.  

It seems all of the best things happen while I'm gone, which on the one hand is a little disappointing not being there but on the other it's incredible because it proves God's strength through my weakness (absence).  That way no one can say, "That's all you, Kate! Good job!" with a pat on the back.  It's not me because I'm not there!  So, as painful as it is to be away, I know it's how God will be glorified.  If you've read my previous blogs, you'll notice the complete transformation of Tenele from when I left her in 2011 and when I returned this June 2012!  In my absence, God continued to pursue Tenele and Tenele came back to the Lord!  Now most recently in my absence, Tenele was placed HOME!  

The day after I returned home to the states, Christina Hostetter (our long term volunteer who has sacrificed a year of her life to serve in Swazi) drove Tenele to her home where she was reunited with her real mother.  In her blog post, Christina commented: 

"On Tuesday, I had the privilege to take her [Tenele] home! It was beautiful thing to see how happy and joyful she was to be home and to see her mother's face light up when she saw her and her granddaughter. It made my day!"

Knowing Tenele is safe at home is an incredible feeling; at the same time, I know how hard it is going to be for her to STAY at home.  My mission while I'm away is to pray, so the more who join me in this the better! Pray for her security at home and her protection from evil and temptation to return to the life of sin and destruction that she just left. 

                                        Tenele with her mother and sister at her homestead

Another incredible event that is currently happening in my absence is HOPE FOR LIFE!

Thanks to Christina and the MYC committee, plans for the girls home are set in action!  Litsemba Lemphilo, Hope for Life, will house a total of 16 abused and at-risk girls with a "respite" room for emergency placements.  With a little chunk of money thanks to donors from England, stage one of renovation on the home has commenced!  Woooo Hooooo!  Christina reports that the deadline for this is one month.  Once the renovations get in full swing, Hosea's Heart will continual fund/support the entire renovation process as well as raise funds to fill and run the home for an entire year.  The entire cost of renovations and running the home (which includes electricity, food, salary for the house mothers, school fees, etc.) is estimated at ONLY $30,000!  This is a financial goal I know we can reach in one year.  So please join us and donate to the necessity of resurrecting Hope for Life home.  

Visit: www.hoseasheart.org to donate online or for more information!

*To follow Christina and her adventures for this next year in Swazi, go to:http://christinahealingheart.blogspot.com/

Where is Home?

It's only been eight days since I've left Swazi, and it already feels like months!  It somehow gets harder and harder to leave each time I go.  For my fourth "transition" back to American culture, you'd think by now I'd be accustomed to the dramatic changes; however, there are some parts of culture that still disgust me, mostly because it's so easy for me to fall right back into it.  For example, the simple ideal in Swazi where people come first.  They are a very "hospitable" people, particularly to visitors; whereas here we are a VERY self-centered people.  Now, you may be thinking, "Oh, not me. I do value people!"  You may think you do...but do you truly value them over yourself?  More importantly...do you value them over your precious time?

I'm talking about showing up two hours late to something because you ran into an old friend who really needed to talk.  Or dropping your plans for an entire DAY to help someone in need.  Or putting away your Ipod so you can talk to the person next to you.  Or...
It's something as simple as needing a place to sleep for one night. I had called up some friends looking for a couch to crash on while passing through town. The initial responses actually aggravated me.  Excuse after excuse of being too busy or that it just "won't work out" really shocked me, and then I remembered I was back in America, where time and convenience are idols in our daily lives that we never take time to acknowledge.  Think about that...

In America TIME and CONVENIENCE are idols that supersede people.  

And after you're out of that attitude for awhile, you realize how repulsive those idols are.
It may seem trivial to some, but it's just one small example of something that happens daily that proves this self-centered attitude we as Americans are so ingrained that we hardly notice it...until you go to a country like Swaziland and realize that there are entire countries of people who not just say but live like people (NOT time nor convenience) are of importance.  That's why Swazi feels like home to every visitor who comes.  Because you are treated as such.  I'm not saying Swazi is perfect; you can clearly see the heartbreak of the country in my blogs, but it is definitely something that sets them apart.  And I'm not hatin' on "Amurrica" either; obviously, I love my country and thank the Lord I've been raised in a blessed country with so many perks.  I am saying that it is FRUSTRATING to come back to a culture like this, knowing that it's just a matter of time until I warp back into that same mindset that I hate.

Aside from the cultural differences and the obvious material world ridiculousness, the hardest part of being back home is that I don't feel "home."  And that's a terrible feeling to be around people who love and support me at home but I don't feel at home, though I wish more than anything that I would.  Sometimes I wish I could forget Swazi and pretend it's all just a dream like it sometimes feels, because it would be SO MUCH EASIER.  But when there's a 16 year old girl with an 8 month baby girl who are still holding pieces of my heart, that's not something I can just pretend doesn't exist; it's not something I can forget...ever.

It's hard to tell people about Swaziland because there's a lot of pain involved that not a single person can truly understand because there hasn't been a single person who has been consistently with me through it all. So, (I don't admit this proudly because it's not at all what I should do, but I'm just being honest) I avoid the topic.  When people ask about Swazi, I answer simply and quickly change the subject.  Most people don't even notice, which I guess proves why I don't talk about it much.  But I think the reason I avoid it is because I know they can't comfort me.  I get frustrated when people don't understand (even when they try) and it's not fair for me to be frustrated at them.  So I was feeling pretty depressed about being home until a conversation I had yesterday...

Prompted by the Spirit to swing by church just to pray quickly before I went to work in my classroom, I stopped by Newman thinking I'd be in and out.  Just as I knelt to pray, Fr. James, the new pastor, walked through the sanctuary.  Feeling like I should introduce myself, I greeted him and he invited me to chat.  My "quick" visit turned into an hour and half conversation that was the best comfort I've received!  After patiently and attentively listening to me spill my heart out about the Swazi mission and my children, he said,

"I can only imagine your pain right now.  This is not your home."  

I had only briefly mentioned my difficult time leaving Swazi and hadn't said a single word about not feeling at "home", but he could already sense there was something much deeper than what I was communicating.  It was the best thing to just HEAR someone understand me!  I didn't have to say anything else because he understood I'm in pain being away from the children who have my heart.  He understood I was trying to pretend I'm happy about being home, and he called me out on it.  "How can I help you through this?" he asked.  Even better, "What can we, as a parish, do to help with Hosea's Heart?"  What a blessing!  He felt the pain with me and wanted to do something about it.

 I just needed someone to notice my pain, let me grieve, understand that I'm going through a loss, and offer to help me through it.

In that moment, I found home.