When I'm Not Enough

"Forgetting what the word has told me

Father of love, you can have me."

-Sidewalk Prophets

I was so excited for college—for a new start, new friends, and new experiences; but let's be real, the height of my excitement revolved around moving from a pool of high school boys to an ocean of new men.  My childhood dream of finding “the one” in high school was shattered when I went boyfriendless all of high school.  The worst part was when my three best friends were all dating “serious” boyfriends at the time...and still I had no one.  After graduating from small town Marshall, I was eager for a fresh chapter at UW-L, where I knew I was going to find my future husband.  After all, there was no way I'd go through college single the way I had gone through high school.  But, of course, that’s exactly what happened; when I walked across the graduation stage, I didn't have a ring on my finger or anything even close.  It seemed that history was going to repeat itself as I left college boyfriendless and my college besties departed in the arms of their men.

One wedding after the next after the next after the next.  Soon, my best friends were consumed with their new lives as married women, and the couple close friends that were still single found men of their own to settle in with.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I adore my friends’ relationships... But, it gets hard.  I wonder when or if I will have that life.  I wonder why it hasn't happened for me yet.  One by one, it's like all the dominoes have fallen down around me, but somehow I’m left standing, the last domino crashing just shy of feet.  Great.  Again.  Alone again. 

But when I take a closer look, it’s not that I’m alone…it’s just that I’m still standing.  Is standing all that bad in a sit-down world?  The world tells me I am not enough.  The world tells me I'm worthless without him by my side.  The world tells me that to be desired I have to flaunt my body, dress the part, shake my booty, numb my heart.  The world tells me I need to be more--skinnier, prettier, sexier, prouder; but it tells me to be less--less clothing, less values, less morals, less faith.  The world tells me I need a man, but it tells me I don't need God.   The world tells me many things and sometimes it gets hard to drown out the lies.

My singleness could be attributed to many things, but ultimately it’s in the hands of the Lord. As much as I fight with him about it and lose confidence in my worth, appearance, character, I know deep down that it’s for a reason.  Too many people want to be a part of the dominoes when it’s not their time.  I want to be a part of the dominoes, but it's not my time.  I have set you apart, He says.  I have built you to stand, He commands.  This is not for your tears but for my glory, He smiles.     

So even though the world tells me that I am not enough, which might be true, I know that He is enough.  God, El Shaddai (the All-Sufficient One), is enough for me.  And even though I complain and hurt because all I want is a man to love who is captivated by my heart, I realize God has blessed me in accountable ways because I have remained single.  I realize I would never be the woman I am had God let a man hinder my growth.  I would never be living my dream had God not set me apart for his heart in Swaziland.  When I get lonely, I tell God it's not fair, but He tells me, Sweetheart, you don't understand, I'm doing this for you.  This is for you.  

Though my deep desire may be for my husband, for a man godly man to cherish my "children" as I do, I will never compromise my devotion to the One who is enough.  The world will never be enough, a husband will never be enough, I will never be enough.  But I rest in the arms of the One who is.

Though I may feel like the last one standing, I know I'm not really alone.  Though sometimes I want to give in to what the world tells me and give up on waiting, I have to fight for purity, for values, for faith.  So, rather than yearning constantly for something that I don't have, I need to stay focused on what I do have: a whole heart--unattached, unbroken, unjaded by relationships--so that I can give my whole heart, not just pieces, to my mission, to those who need it.  He has given me a dream, a mission, a vision.  And if I'm ever tempted to compromise my mission for the temporary treasures of the world, I remember the good words of Fr. Joe: "Mary-Kate,  you will never have to take your eyes off the mission for your man."

So, "forgetting what the world has told me,
Father of Love,
you can have me."

For, when I'm not enough, You Are.  

When Dreams Come True

The dream.

It began in an attic room that I shared with my roommate, Kim.  With every picture of an orphan and video of missions trips, my heart caved.  With every internet search for my own mission trip, my fingers trembled.  When I first read the word, "Swaziland," I laughed out loud.  Is that for real? I thought.  But the joke was on me, because this funny little word became my funny little home. 

The dream.

It grew in my heart in 2008 when I went on my first missions trip with a team of 21--seventeen incredible women and four inspiring men who have made me who I am.  That summer was when I first met the smiley, front-tooth missing, twelve year old who changed my life forever.  Tenele-Belle, my child.   

The dream.

It became my heart in 2009 when I went back for my Tenele-Belle, and found out she was in the streets at thirteen years old as a prostitute. She had run away from the hellish life she lived as her step-mother had been selling her to man after man for money. 

The dream.

It broke my heart in 2010-2011 when I spent the year chasing after a girl who kept on running.  The dream died several times, as I felt exhausted, unsuccessful, and most of all...alone.

The dream.

It gripped me during my transition back to the States.  It was painful because it was unfulfilled, but I couldn't shake it.  I couldn't ignore it.  I couldn't quit.  You didn't let me. 

The dream.

It grew wings in when an old friend from high school, Chris, began the process of helping me start the non-profit, Hosea's Heart.  After that it gained great momentum as people surrounded the dream and the cause with their own hearts, ensuring I never was alone.

The dream.

It soared the summer of 2012 when Hosea's Heart took its first mission trip over to Swaziland.  Christina Hostetter remained for the year as a long term volunteer to build the dream and build the home.

The dream.

It became life the summer of 2013. Hosea's Heart's second mission trip consisted of a team of eleven that lived daily alongside the girls in Hope for Life home.  Although the team left, Sandy remains for the next year as the rock in the home. 

The dream.

Is no longer a dream...it is reality.  It has transformed into five beautiful Swazi girls, who embody the essence of what it means to have Hope for Life.   

I praise the Lord who gave me the dream and made it come true!

Moments Like That

Because there's no way I can simply summarize all that happened the last two weeks in Swazi, here are the snippets of when...

God is Present in Moments like That

*In the midst of a country that I love with a mission that I am called to, I was reminded by a high school girl from an AIM mission trip team that "teachers have an incredible platform."  She reminded me of why I'm not currently living in Swazi--that there is also a mission I am needed to fulfill at home in the sheltered world of my high schoolers that also need to be freed from their chains.

*When I got home one day after ministry, Tenele ran to greet me and pulled me into her room to tell me she had to show me something... then out popped Eilidh, who had come to visit Swazi for two weeks! (For those of you who don't know, she's my Scottish bestie, the one who removed all my "skin maggots" when I lived here, the one who started the dream for the home with me, my encourager, my other half on the other half)

*Our last bible study as a team, we read the story of Jesus washing his disciples' feet.  Then we washed the feet of all the girls and Gogo as well.  The look on Gogo's face as we offered to wash her feet was the pure and holy joy of a girl lost in the beauty of a field of flowers!  Ayanda ended the evening with preaching of her own.

*On the last night that our team was in Swazi, we built a fire and roasted marshmallows, which the girls at first thought was crazy...After all, why would you put sweets in a fire and ruin them?! But after they tasted the warm melty mushy goodness, they couldn't stop eating them! We finished the night singing acapella songs as the flames died down.

*Musa took Sandy and I to cross the border to renew our visitor visa but the border control guy was in a bad mood and threatened to "lock us out."  Luckily Musa was with us and all was well.  We proceeded to watch a cow transaction (a man has to pay cows to the family of his soon-to-be bride) out in the African bush at sunset. Incredible.  Then watched night fall and the Milky Way light up the sky like never before!

*Sandy's wisdom is beyond words, as is her listening ear. She processed through a lot with me, even got me to cry...in a good way.

*Dressing up the girls in robes (which was a Packer quilt of course...can't get much more royal than that!) and crowns as we acted out the story of Esther!

*When I convinced Tenele to call Garret by his nickname, Harry.  Then hearing all the other girls start calling him that, too!

*Reading to Sindi and Sebe before bedtime and Sindi snuggling up in my lap.

*Nonhlanhla coming to kiss me goodnight.

*Tenele and I crying together as we talked about my upcoming departure.

*Watching helplessly as a warthog (Pumba!) mauled our bags of bread during a picnic at Mlilwane... then Tenele, being the fearless one she is, standing up as she is holding her breastfeeding baby in one hand, picking up a giant rock with the other and chucking it at the warthog, nailing it directly on the nose, and saving our meat and cookies!

*Watching the garden grow...more importantly, watching the girls grow the garden!  And one evening at sunset sitting in the garden with Lucia as Tenele and Nonhlanhla read their new SiSwati bibles together.

*With one night left before my own departure, I decided to soak my dirty, soiled feet in the same green wash bucket that we washed the girls' feet.  When Sindi entered the room and saw my feet, she immediately got down on her hands and knees and eagerly and tenderly washed my feet.  What a gem!

*Tenele telling me almost every day that I'm beautiful.

*Playing peek-a-boo with Lucia, and hearing Lucia recite my name for the first time!

*Looking at Tenele and seeing Jesus in her face, in her smile, in her words, in her eyes, in her heart.

*Tenele telling me that she's helping Nonhlanhla and that she told her, "Even though you don't have parents, Nonhlanhla, you have the Father in heaven."

*Marcia seeing the home for the first time and reminding me how blessed I am to see the fruit of my labor. Then speaking a simple yet profound phrase that has finally defined what I have been trying to define all along --who we are as a non-profit: "Like Ezra and Hezekiah, you have rebuilt the ruins."  Both literally (physically rebuilding the house structure) and figuratively (rebuilding hope and restoration in the girls themselves) we, as Hosea's Heart rebuild the ruins.

Yes, God is present in moments like that. 

Called to Chase

We all need pick-me-ups every now and then.  One of the greatest encouragements I received this trip was a short yet powerful message from Rachael:

I was hungry, 

                you fed me.

I was naked, 

                you clothed me.

I was homeless, 

                you housed me.

I was running, 

               you chased me.