This week, for the first time in the past six years, I’m doubting my ability to live here long term. There’s no way. This will never work. I’ve been saying.
In the last six years, I’ve walked through nightmares with the girls, battled in court, battled face to face with demons, and have felt like I’ve seen it all. But nothing is killing me like this heat!
I know it sounds silly, and I’m half being humorous, but seriously… I’ve never faced an enemy like heat before! Now I understand the horror of “burning in hell.” I can hardly last in this ‘heavenly heat’ on earth.
Moving from the city to our land has been a huge adjustment – a transition I didn’t know would be this difficult. Not just the heat, but the inconsistent electricity, the refusal to cook anything because I can’t bear to light the oven let alone one burner. I’ve even fallen out of rhythm of my spiritual disciplines, like journaling every night. I used to journal every night before bed – Jesus gets my last words, letting Him know He’s still my One and Only. But doing that here means bugs come in like crazy (to the light), and by bugs I mean the worst kinds. Even at dinner, when we are trying to eat, moths, bugs, beetles are flying in through the windows sometimes pelting my own food! YUCK! There is no happy alternative. Shutting the windows is impossible because doing so would mean living in a sauna. My house is already the hottest one on the land, so I cannot bear shutting the window. Imagine humid heat when the sun has already gone down, just soaking up the living room like a giant elephant. Even the fans aren’t enough.
Getting time alone as well is just as difficult. The girls do a great job respecting my house/space/boundaries, but I still have Ben and Lu of course and a full time nanny with a 4 month old baby. Sometimes I just want to nap without noise or sit in front of the fan without being interrupted. Sometimes I just desperately need my alone time. And at the land – this is practically impossible. (Which is why I’m currently at a lodge writing this now.)
When I was Stateside, I had these great plans for defending my time, balancing my life and work, charting my hours and making sure I have a day off during the week. But it is so hard to maintain here, and I get so frustrated when I can’t simply keep a schedule. I would love to be able to spend more time with the girls - sitting and doing puzzles, playing games, shooting hoops, going on walks, but there are just so many people to love including myself.
The physical stress and struggle wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have the emotional magnitudes to deal with in a ministry like this. Cases where current girls are in danger and we wonder if we are, too. Cases that we know will still take years to get to court. The emotional burdens of damaged trust that the girls continue to carry. The dark and evil situations/people that haunt the girls even well after they’ve been put in safety. The emotional stress is enough on its own, so mixed with the physical, you can see why I’m wilting.
I still teach at the college, but I am done in just two weeks, so I’m looking forward to this extra time to hopefully give me balance again in my schedule. Morning quiet times. Studying siSwati. Playing guitar. Writing. Drawing. Painting. Lunches with the girls and afternoon activities; leading devotions and worship. Then evenings at home with Ben and Lu. Watching “I Love Lucy” episodes (that my brother Garret so thoughtfully bought me for Christmas)! A good 30 minute giggle to end the evening. And a routine of reflection and journaling in my War Room. Oh a glorious life is still coming! <3 o:p="">
So I’m finding a new normal. Realizing bugs are just gonna be a part of my normal visitors for dinners. That I can let my tears come simply because I’m just too hot, and that’s normal. That I will have to find other creative ways to fight the heat. (I’m planting some trees along the side of my house where the sun rises, because I get piercing rays of heat into my windows in the morning, and even the wall stays hot to the touch until evening.) And that I just may have to keep going away on weekends to get alone time until I can manage a better schedule for myself onsite. Better to sacrifice time away and keep myself whole then to keep wilting to needs that will always be there daily.
As I look ahead, I have to laugh at my initial There’s no way I live here long term! complaints. There’s too much to live for! I’ve also recently connected with a South African events manager who loves our mission and is dedicated to helping us in any way he can. He’s bringing some professional musicians to us to help train the girls, and we are forming an official Hosea’s Heart choir! The larger dream is to include drama, poetry, dancing, and inspirational speaking as a whole production that we can end up traveling to different countries, spreading the Gospel of Hope through even the darkest of stories and situations.
It’s looking ahead that will always help us manage our current and past struggles. It’s in looking ahead where I realize I will never have “normal” here on earth – only new normals at every different season. And that is exciting!
So where are you looking?
“Where there is no vision, people perish.” –Proverbs 29:18
Please consider blessing me by praying for:
- Our new choir and for professional training for the girls in voice, dance, drama, etc.
- Provisions for air conditioners and a car :P
- Provisions for Hosea’s Heart to build a school
- For my physical health and seeing an allergist about my incessant sneezing and runny nose
- For my future husband and that I worry more about preparing myself for him rather than him fixing himself for me
- For all those who are volunteering for/with Hosea’s Heart and donating their time and talent, specifically: Hannah, Amelia, Garret, Tony, Kiley, McKenzie, Harold, Bonolo, and Kuruka.
- For my new normal to be exciting and endurable as I find a balance between Ben and Lu, the girls, our new expansive staff, the grads who still need Mom, my nanny, outreach for others, umntfwana wami, my friends back home, my friends here, and ME time, too <3 o:p="">
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| You'll hear plenty more about Harold! |
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| With the blessing of a bus, comes the price of paying a bus driver! However, Bonolo is doing it for Hosea's Heart for free and also participating in some of the activities, like this prayer walk in town. |
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| 2015.... and then... (Below) |
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| 2020!!!!! Garret and Tony's legacy continues! |
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| My bathroom visitor (crying faces) |
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| Kiley's visit is always cray cray ;) <3 td=""> |
