[There’s this movie I once watched about boxing, and the boxer was advised to take a hit. Let the guy hit him. Why would someone open themselves up to that kind of blow, that kind of pain? Because after taking the blow, the opponent is also left exposed and can then be taken out even quicker. Sometimes, for best results, you gotta let it hurt first.]
One of the positives of being forced to miss church is hosting our own services at home. I’ve morphed into “Pastor Frances” for the past 4 Sundays, and I’ve probably grown more than my “congregation.” The girls love that I’m not “me” on Sundays but take on a different persona (my twin). I talk in an accent (for as long as possible) and make them laugh. They like playing it up, too, and say, “Hey Pastor Frances, if you’re not Mama Kate, how come you’re wearing her clothes?” So I have to tell them that twins obviously always have the same clothes, and that Mama Kate is resting.
Despite how mentally draining it can be to plan, preach and lead service (huge shout out to all the priests and pastors who did this daily and weekly – wow, I never knew how exhausting it can be though so beautiful and powerful!), it has been some of my favorite moments of the year. I come alive. And I’ve already seen dry bones rise! I lock eyes with the girls and see sparks for the first time, or reignited fires as the Word of God comes to life. I see honesty, vulnerability, and most of all hunger in their thirsty hearts. They have been embracing the Word of God in amazing ways, and there’s no way I can remain unchanged by this. Their fire is my fire, just as much as mine is theirs. Of course, I’m not a great preacher, as I’m naturally a better teacher. So my “sermons” are filled with questions to my audience/congregation, of which I embrace the awkward silences until there is proper participation. J I use the whiteboard, I use symbols, figurative and literary meanings of the readings, and I always, always ask for the theme that links all the readings together. Or like, today, I simply present the theme upfront and ask them to connect the dots between the readings (we use the Mass readings where there is an Old Testament reading, a Psalm, a New Testament Scripture, and finally one of the Gospels. It’s amazing how the entire Scripture is linked together as One, and it’s been so fun having the girls find the connections themselves).
Today’s theme was: “Be fruitful and multiply” (but in a figurative sense). We read Gen 1:28-31, Psalm 67, Galatians 6:7-9, Mark 4:1-20, and Matt 28:16-20, talking mostly about the Parable of the Sower. We discussed the four levels of ground: the path, the rocky ground, the thorns, and the rich soil. We discussed what keeps us in those levels or what prevents us from moving on; we talked about the why, about what it means to bear fruit, and what is our mission/vision in life. How can we fully be the women God is calling us to be? One response really stuck out to me. One girl offered her analysis that she is finally on the rich soil, and she said,
“I’ve overcome all those stages recently (path, rocks, thorns). Last year I had so many problems. But I just allowed myself to hurt through it, and my rich soil is now a product of those problems and even pain. Today I’m on higher ground.”
Can you believe a 15-year-old said this? And she is right to say last year was a huge struggle for her behavior-wise. She dropped and declined rapidly, but like she said, instead of running from the pain or hiding her mistakes, she faced them and admitted her failures. And because of that, she is like a new person this year. A quiet yet powerful leader among the girls, one who has recently embraced the name “shepherd,” saying she knows God has sheep for her somewhere just like she is my sheep. I was stunned. So much power, so much hope, so much future is growing right here before my eyes. And the sheep becomes the shepherd and reminds me why I’m here and how I’m constantly a growth in progress myself.
You see, I needed her words today, her reminder about “letting it hurt” and “being the product of the pain” after getting through the problems. All too often, especially last year, I would get so easily angered; it was my defense system because I was weak from burnout. My healthy defenses were down and worn, so I resulted to unhealthy ones like anger and pride. I didn’t want to get hurt anymore, so instead I would get angry, frustrated to keep myself from feeling the pain. But this year, I’ve been asking God to help me do what this 15-year-old has done, and face the pain, letting it hurt. And oh, can it hurt.
I’ve recently been hurt by someone who claimed to want to serve me and the ministry no matter the cost, but things changed quickly and when he was confronted, he resulted in backlash. He said the worst things I’ve heard from anyone in all my life. He didn’t just turn on me, he also turned on the ministry (which he was serving) and the girls themselves, accusing me of failing them and failing the ministry as a whole. Who are you to teach about singleness? He sneered. Look at your own girls who have babies or boyfriends, etc. They’ve failed, and so have you. To be honest, it’s not the first time I’ve been seen as a failure in my own ministry, or among those who were called to support me or the mission. Sometimes, Satan can be so sneaky that he turns the very people who are supposed to be your supports to be the ones who betray, doubt, deny, and walk away. Just ask Jesus about Judas. And Peter. And Thomas. That hurts. That hurts like you can’t believe. Betrayal can hurt so deeply. And it can make us bitter. And bitter is exactly where the enemy wants us. Bitter is where the thorns grow until they choke off our ability to bear fruit. Last year I was bitter. Bitter about betrayal, bitter at God, that why does doing the right thing usually result in more pain? I learned, as Lecrae says, to “switch those letters” from bitter to better. But that can only happen if I just simply let it hurt.
So I’ve recently been praying, “God, help me let it hurt so that I don’t get angry. I’m tired of being my own defender. I have one enemy/one accuser (Satan). I have One Defender (Jesus), and He is Enough. Let His Love be enough.”
This experience has come at a perfect time, because the girls have been going through a stage of wanting revenge, as well as this attitude of “I don’t care.” It’s also their defense. It’s better to not care so that it doesn’t hurt. They say. But if we don’t hurt, we don’t get to experience love and healing and wholeness! And if we don’t care, we will miss the mission God has for us! So, to help them walk towards freedom, I needed to walk through a lot of heartbreak and disappointment over the last couple years and show them, like the 15-year-old, that I am a better woman today because of it; that I allowed myself to hurt through it (instead of retaliate nor revenge) and my rich soil is now a product of those problems and even pain. That I am rich soil. Rich in mercy, tenderness, grace, joy, and hope! And on that ground, it's easy to see that the betrayals now or in the past weren't intended, there was no evil plan to hurt me, the words as weapons were sent in moments of weakness and hurt, and that people are genuinely good. And just like that, I can let it go...because I first let it hurt.
So let us remember to embrace the pain. But don’t hold it. Let it be the compost that makes your soil even richer. We are all still growing. And one day, we can all be testimonies of the trials we’ve overcome and in doing so bring more and more into heaven with us. That we would be successful in the command to “be fruitful and multiply!”
