I never knew a piece of paper could change everything.
It doesn’t really change anything in the present, but it
changes our future – it creates possibilities that were never there before, and
with great possibility comes greater responsibility.
This piece of paper, which looks nothing but common, is a
court-order for my official guardianship of Lucia and Benji. I’ve been raising
them no different than if they were my own regardless of having an “official”
document, but it definitely changes their future! They can travel with me now,
and I have more responsibility to commit to caring for them for the next ten
years as well. Looking back at the last 8 here at Hosea’s Heart and looking
ahead towards the next 10 has left me utterly anxious and stressed. Benji is
now getting older and the girls coming into Hosea’s Heart are now around his
age; he is no longer the cute baby boy. He is a growing boy and has much
different needs than what is offered here at the girls home. The cases that we
have received lately are horrific things done to toddler girls, that by age 7
they are conditioned to reenact the sexual violence that’s been done to them.
We have to protect and provide healing for these girls just as much as I need
to protect and provide for our only boy. I started thinking, do I need to move
off site? Do I need to rent a house? Buy a house? How? With what funds? Can I
build a different house still on campus but further away from the girls homes
to create better boundaries and separation? Can I leave the girls home campus
when I just moved here three years ago into a house I designed? A house that is
small but perfectly conducive; it’s by no means perfect and there’s a million
things I’d love to redo, but I still love it for all its coziness and the
memories it already holds in just three years – it’s the hiding place, a place
of bright colors and comfort, rest and fun that the girls get to come to when
they need it, too.
As I had been thinking ahead, all of my next step plans
include the dream I’ve had from the beginning: a husband. And if you’ve been
following my journey, you know this because I write about a future hubby all
the time. Maybe I’ll get married soon and the husband will want to live
offsite so that’s how we’ll buy a house and move. Maybe hubby will want to
build our own house. Maybe hubby will be rich :P maybe hubby will be… hubby,
hubby, hubby. In my head, hubby was
going to be the answer to all these problems. There was no “next level” in my
thoughts about still being a single mom slaying life as it comes. Ha. No. Being
a single mom was never, ever the dream.
So I heard the Lord whisper, “All these plans of yours,
Kate, include a future husband. What if there is no husband? Then what? Do you
still want these plans? Do you still want to move offsite? What if you will
still be single? Can you picture a life being single and happy?”
No, I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. “You would NOT do this to me,
would you, God?!”
In my journal I wrote:
28 June 2022
Papa,
Would you really expect me to
be single my whole life? Ever since that thought the other day, I’ve been
shattered. Cried my eyes out – puffy and red – all day yesterday. I’ve lived my
entire life dreaming of this future husband, and I’ve been content waiting
because he is going to come eventually. I’ve been dreaming about guys ever
since I was in kindergarten! (hehe) Had a crush on Troy, then next year Levi,
then next year Dustin, then Eric, then Jake, then Shawn, then Nick, then
another Nick, then Chris…and onwards it went into college. A new crush basically
every year. And post college I kept dreaming next level = always a hubby. And
it was all going to be worth it when he finally comes.
But now? What if hubby never
comes? What if it’s my plan and not yours, Lord? I must begin to picture my
life as a perpetual single mother. That changes everything, Lord. I don’t want to
move offsite, but how do I raise Benji? As a single mother, I still get scared
and still need community; I still need family. Will I never get my twin boys? ;)
I need to dream of my future being happy without hubby –
satisfied in my singleness, not as temporary situation, but as a life ahead. Surrender
hurts.
In my vulnerable state, Satan took no delay in throwing
in his own punches. Thoughts of self-doubt overwhelmed me. Am I a capable
mother? Am I fit for this? If I travel and leave the kids behind now, is that
appropriate? Would I do that to my own kids? If I take them with me to the States,
will the other girls feel betrayed and upset? Will the kids’ mom and my first
daughter reappear and reconnect? Will she blame me and hate me for being a
mother she couldn’t? For giving her kids a chance she ran away from? Can I
truly care for these kids and myself and the ministry on my own? What about
home? Where is home now? Do I stay on campus or move off? When I am Stateside,
is there room for me and two kids to appear in everyone else’s life and
schedule and space that side? What if I fall for someone but he doesn’t want
this life? What if someone falls for me, but it’s too complicated? Where is
home? Where will home be? What is next, really?
In my prayers, I like to imagine what God might say to me if we were talking face to face. So this is what came next:
“You are concerned with colors and walls and home(houses).
But I am the Colors, the Artist, the Creator, and the Builder.
I am the Head, your Husband Redeemer. I will give you everywhere
you place your foot.
I am Home, the Healer, Redeemer, the Hiding Place. I will show you even greater things than this.
Come and follow Me. I am Home.
With Love,
Papa - your Provider”
Going to confession and Mass the other day really changed my perspective, too. After getting off
my chest a list of sins, the priest responded gently, “I sense a spirit of
restlessness in you.” And he began speaking to that and encouraging me to rest
in God’s love and peace for me. At the word “restlessness” a lightbulb went off.
That’s exactly how I feel! But I hadn’t known how to put into words the anxious
movements inside my chest. Then at Mass, the reading was from Luke 9. “Foxes have
dens and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to rest
his head” (Luke 9:58).
Jesus had nowhere to rest his head. Even foxes and birds
have homes, but for missionaries? It’s something we give up. Yet, I had
forgotten that. As the priest shared the passage, he reminded us that while
Jesus had nowhere to rest his head, his disciples did. He gave us the picture
of John, his beloved disciple, who rested his head against the Savior’s chest
at the Last Supper. What a beautiful picture of rest, of Home. And we are all
invited into that rest, into that Home.
Instead of worrying so much about houses and walls and
permanence, I needed to simply rest my head on my Savior’s chest and Trust Him.
After reading a devotion on the story of Mary and Martha,
I put myself in the scene and imagined what Jesus might say to me as the Martha
of the story.
You take my hands in Yours
and whisper, “Kate, Mary-Kate…you are anxious about many things, but only one
thing matters above them all. Me and you. Come to Me, Kate. You are exhausted
and burdened, and I will give you rest. Lean upon My shoulder. Listen to my
heart beat for you. Spend an hour in my Presence, and you’ll spend the day in
my glory. Mary-Kate Frances Martin, you are my delight. I marvel at you. Come,
and let me love you. All my love, Jesus.”
The image stopped me in my tracks. God marvels at me?
28 June 2022
Jesus, sitting in your presence today is glorious. Away from shame
and self-inflicting voices and accusations. Away from distractions. Immersed in
You. I watched a small lizard, skin dazzling in the sun, with a stripe of
yellow and all the tiny bumps and lines in its skin, watching an area of skin
inflate and deflate on the side of its neck, watching it breathe – and being in
awe of the Maker, the Artist, Elohim. Adonai, your attention to detail is enthralling.
I was enthralled by the details of a tiny lizard.
Imagine. That’s how you feel about me, Jesus? Enthralled with me? Wow.
Now that – that changes everything.
