Six Secrets to Being Single

The Secrets to Being Single (and Happy)

“I would much rather be single and lonely than married and lonely.”

 “Never take your eye of the mission for the man.”

“Don’t be so consumed with finding the one; rather, become the one.”

It’s no secret that I’m 29 and single.  But maybe not everyone knows that my singleness has spanned all 29 years.  That’s right.  Boyfriendless for. 29. years.  I mean, we are not counting a two week fifth grade relationship that ended because he gave me a ring and my mom told me to give it back and that I couldn’t have a boyfriend at that age, right?  Although I’ve never been in a long term relationship, I have been proposed to countless times while in Swazi.  But those aren’t moments of flattery.  Those are mostly times of disgust at the men who have the audacity to say things like, “Hey baby, you could be on a movie.  Let’s go to my place and make a movie together.”  (This is an exact quote from a man at that car parts shop on Friday.) Where have all the good guys gone?

It’s also no secret that singleness can suck sometimes.  Especially when you watch all five of your college besties get married, and now you’re the only one left and you can’t participate in couples bible studies or marriage-life talks or getting preggers.  (Well…)  I mean, no matter how spiritually sound you are, it’s extremely hard to be left out, feel alone, and worst of all feel unworthy because your best friends were chosen and you weren’t.  While that’s sometimes true, maybe not everyone knows that singleness is actually one of the greatest blessings in life!  Oh, yes, indeed, you can be happy, fulfilled, confident, and loved even when you’re single.

At the college where I teach, the theme for one week of chapel was singleness.  A married staff member approached me and asked, “How do you do it?  How do you stay so strong?  Do you have any advice to share with others about singleness?” 

As I shared some thoughts with him, I felt God telling me that He’s not done with my singleness yet, and that there are so many others who need to know these truths about the importance of singleness.  I’m not an expert, I didn’t do any research, I’m not perfect, and I still struggle, but from my personal experience, here is my advice:

Six Secrets of Being Single:

1)    Be lonely.  Singleness is sometimes despairingly lonely.  But then again, so is marriage.  One day, after sharing my struggles of loneliness to my married friend, she responded gently to me, “Kate, I’d much rather be single and lonely than married and lonely.  Loneliness is not a result of being single.  Loneliness is a result of being empty, and that happens in marriages, too.”  She was right.  Marriage or a relationship is NOT a cure for loneliness.  If you have the mentality that marriage will solve your problems, that a spouse will validate your worth, or that marrying your best friend will eliminate that aching loneliness, then your marriage will be dangerously at risk for failure.  Know this: it’s okay to be lonely!  Indeed, I would much rather be alone and lonely than living with a man whom I love and still feel that disabling loneliness.  The secret is not eliminating loneliness, it’s learning how to be lonely…and still be okay.

 

2)    Be filled.  How can you work through your loneliness?  Loneliness is a result of being empty.  So, be filled.  (Easier said than done, right?) Society will tell you many, many Eden-apple-attractive lies to cure this emptiness.  Sex is one of these lies. Sex cannot fill you.  In fact, the act is the complete opposite.  It is meant to give yourself away, to have two become one.  It’s mixing Sprite and Fruit Punch, poured from two different glasses into one.  How can you mix if you’re empty?  Furthermore, if you keep giving yourself away, keep mixing with other liquids, what will you have left?  What will you have to offer your husband or wife other than an empty, used cup?  Sex in its fullness cannot be an act of self-fulfillment.  Sure, it satisfies, as it’s meant to be pleasurable and enjoyed in the context of marriage, but satisfaction lasts only as long as one night’s change of sheets. Know this: being filled does not mean engaging in sexual pleasures.  It means something so much deeper, long-lasting.  The secret to singleness is about finding yourself, not giving it away.

3)    Find yourself.  How can you find yourself if you’re always in a relationship?  Instead of becoming who you’re meant to be, you become who he wants you to be.  If you’re going from relationship to relationship, addicted to the feeling of being needed and wanted, how will you ever know what you’re worth?  Worth is not defined by the number of flowers he gives or the dates you go on or the flattering things he says about you.  Worth is defined in moments of solitude—with no one around, no compliments hanging over you, no arm to cling to.  Do you know you’re still valued even then?  But how can you know your value if you don’t know who created it?  If you don’t know you’re Creator, how will you know who you’re meant to be?  If you don’t know who you’re meant to be, you should not be in a relationship at all.  Singleness is a unique experience in life that builds strength, wisdom, and worth.  It is the time of undivided attention from the Lord and undivided loyalties to the Lord.  In Scripture, Paul wishes more people would remain single like him: “An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord.  But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided...I’m saying this not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.” (1 Cor 7:32-35).  Furthermore, if we are constantly in relationships, there is only one form of love we are really experiencing.  But in my singleness, I have experienced love in so many different capacities that I have no need for romantic love.  Don’t get me wrong, I am a “hopeless romantic” and my movie collection is full of chick flicks because yes, I want it, I desire it, I sometimes crave it, but never have I needed it.  Because God’s love is SO LARGE that it goes beyond the love of a man.  If you want to find yourself, find God’s love without attachment to romances.  

4)    Find a new perspective.  As a teenager, I begged God numerous times for a boyfriend.  I grew depressed when He didn’t answer.  “If you’re a God of love, why don’t I feel loved?  I just want to be loved, is that too much to ask?”  As a new adult transitioning into college life, I still continued to complain to God about my singleness and I cried that He, again, wasn’t answering my plea for prince charming.  I was crippled by the moment, unable to acknowledge that God sees far more than me.  My perspective is so limited.  Just the other week, as I was praying in chapel about singleness and a future husband, two words stamped themselves clearly in my mind: Vantage Point.  It reminded me of a Ferris wheel.  I imagined a scene at a carnival and Jesus took me on a Ferris wheel ride. I sat with him as we made our way to the top of the Ferris wheel where the ride stopped.  At the very top, at the incredible vantage point, I gained a whole new perspective.  I could see the entire carnival grounds.  As the scenes continued to play out in my mind, God revealed to me that from the ground below, I can’t see very well.  I can only see the moment before me, and life from that view is crippling.  For instance, if there was a missing girl and I was asked to find her, I’d have to cover the entire carnival grounds over and over and over again trying to find her.  But from the top of the Ferris wheel, finding her would be much easier.  Likewise, if I were trying to find a husband, my search might take forever; whereas, if I refocused my attention instead on Jesus, I’d see from a whole new perspective.  I recently listened to the old country song from Garth Brooks that says, “Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers.  Just remember when you’re talking to the Man upstairs.  Just because He may not answer, doesn’t mean he don’t care.  One of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.”  The secret to being single is to stop being crippled by the moment—whether the tempting pleasures or the impending hopelessness of ever being in love—and start viewing life from a vantage point.  After all, a better perspective undoubtedly gives us better purpose.      

5)    Find purpose.  When I was 26, Fr. Joe, my spiritual mentor from college said, “Mary-Kate, don’t take your eyes off the mission for the man.” I have never forgotten that.  I’ve been tempted many times, and even recently, thinking that there is no way a man in his right mind would come join my life the way it is now.  But I cannot forsake my purpose.  It fits into the Ferris wheel story as well.  Imagine trying to find your single soulmate at a carnival with hundreds of thousands of people.  If you searched for this one person, you’d spend no time on rides, no time playing games, no time eating the funnel cake, and certainly no time helping others.  All your time would be spent with your eye on the man and you’d miss out on so much.  But now imagine your focus is not on the man, it’s on the mission.  A four-year-old girl goes missing and you decide to help find her. Pursuing the mission takes you to many places and you come across many different people.  And eventually you find the girl!  But guess what?  So did someone else—a stunning man who was also joined the task of finding this four-year-old.  Only because you both pursued the mission, did you end up finding each other.  But what if he had taken his eyes off the mission for another woman who caught his eye?  What if you had taken your eye off the mission for a man that beckoned your attention?  Whenever I get frustrated with singleness, I remember where it has taken me and I remember God’s perspective.  I smile and thank God for unanswered prayers.  I would not trade my mission for anything.  Furthering his lesson on purpose, my spiritual mentor also gave me advice about motherhood.  He said, “There’s motherhood like this,” and he cupped his hands together as if holding something precious in his hands, “where you build a family and have an impact on your children for generation after generation.  Or there’s motherhood like this,” and he stretched out his hands above his head, palms facing me, as if anointing a whole multitude before him.  “This motherhood you may not have children of your own, but you are mothering and leading multitudes of people at once.”  I asked, “Which one is better?”  He smiled, “Neither one is better than the other.  Both have impacts that are far reaching.  It’s simply about the will of God.  If you are in the will of God, you will have purpose that is immeasurable.”

6)    Become the one.  I was told once by the only man I’ve ever truly loved, “I’m not ready to be in a relationship because I have too many bad things I need to work on.  I can’t bring you into this mess yet.”  It was hard to hear but it was true.  I came to find out later that his “mess” revolved around his inability to be with just one woman.  Praise God he loved me enough to not allow me to enter fully into a relationship with him, even when I didn’t understand it in the moment.  Praise God that when the time came and I was about to give this man my heart, God revealed the truth to me.  My prayer for a husband has always been constant, but I always end it with this, “But Lord you have my heart.  I am yours.  I want You to give my heart away to the right man, not me.”  Marriage is not a time to fix each other.  Relationships can’t heal our faults.  Only God can.  The best advice I’ve received about being single is this, “It’s not about finding the one, it’s about becoming the one.”  I’ve learned so much about how much I need God to fix me.  I’ve learned so much about myself—who I’m not and who I want to be.  The secret to singleness is to stop focusing on “finding the one,” and make yourself ready when the time is right: become the one.