How it all Began

Part 1

3-28-2018, I had spilled my desperation, frustration and loneliness onto my journal pages:

“Lord, I am lonely. Unpursued. I hate feeling unworthy and not good enough. I feel so ill-equipped to run this ministry and its expansion. How am I supposed to run all this as a single woman? There’s not enough of me. I don’t know what happened, but I feel like I am not who you called me to be. Why is the dull ache inside me never gone? Why do I have to care so stinkin much about so many people? It’s impossible to bear all that pain. So, who have you called for me, God? Why do you leave me so alone? Who have you called to bear up my burdens? To hold my hand? To guard my back when I walk into battle? To bind up my wounds? I know you alone do all these things, but I also know you sent your Son in the flesh because you know we have needs of flesh, too. Jesus, minister to my flesh.”

            The very next morning after chapel, while I prayed for my future husband, an image appeared when I closed my eyes. God was joining my husband and me, but instead of seeing people, the image was of two trees. One was bigger, had deep roots… it was older. That was me. The other tree’s roots were smaller, not as deep, and the tree was younger. That was my husband. At first I was a little confused by the images, but then God introduced us to each other and said, “She is one who has long roots and has withstood the tests of time; she has remained unshaken.” Then he introduced my husband to me and said, “Don’t be judgmental and do not be mistaken by the outward appearance. Your roots may be deeper, but his reach is wider. This man is favored, chosen, and has my full trust.”

            And it was over. Within minutes, that was it, and it ended. I tried to squeeze my eyes shut and get it back again…but nothing happened. The moment had passed. As I continued to pray, I felt encouraged that even though I felt empty and lonely and ill-equipped, God called me unshaken! I told my mom about the vision and wrote it in my journal, but then forgot about it for awhile…

            Until Bonolo happened. It felt like one of those moments from a movie where age old best friends suddenly see each other in new light. Except… we weren’t age old best friends and we had only known each other 7 months, but it definitely happened that suddenly we saw each other in new light. You see, he was never an option when we first met and even for the next 6 months. I had an outsider’s opinion and perspective of him as I taught him English and as he served in the ministry with a group of preachers. Even from this perspective it was easy to see this man was different. His wisdom convinced me he was older than even me, and his purity set him apart. He was clearly favored by the Lord and was successful in all he did. I was content cheering him on from the sidelines, though. That is, until he wrote me a poem. My love language. It was nothing romantic, but it did catch my attention in a different way than I had looked before. But I pushed any extra thoughts aside and prayed for my future husband. I thought, even if this guy was interested in me, it can’t work. He’s is younger than me, he’s only here for a few years and will go back to Botswana.

            But as time continued and he continued pouring into the ministry, a shift happened without even realizing it. His wisdom was extraordinary and I began consulting his advice and prayer on a more regular basis. He gave the kind of encouragement I hadn’t received in what felt like ages. Somehow he knew what I was feeling, even when I didn’t tell anyone. When we talked about our own dreams and why we’re involved in missions and why he wanted to be a pastor, I knew I was in for trouble. I was starting to fall for this guy. And when he preached to me about “the fear of the Lord” I went head over heels. I’ve never had this kind of spiritual connection with anyone else in my life, besides probably my Mom.

            But the battle remained…we had so many external factors going against us, including our age gap. That was my biggest issue. But when I tried to use it as a reason not to let him be an option, the vision I had of the two trees came back immediately, the younger tree. So, we prayed and fasted, and I consulted about 10 people who were close to me and close to the Lord to ask their advice. I mean age is only a number, but the issue was more of a stage in life gap. In the end, though, the Scriptures I read, the prayers I made, the advice from my 10, and the image of the trees… my journal entries were full of God’s anointing over this man and relationship. I had been praying for years and years that God would choose the man for me – that I trusted God more than I trusted myself in choosing the right man. I wanted God as my Father, Papa, who’s right it is to give me away on my wedding day, to pick the man to whom He would give me away. This is why I never tried online dating. I wanted it to be a story that people could see “Only God” could bring 2 people like that together. Only God.

With everything I had been receiving in the Spirit and prayer time about God choosing this man for me, I felt affirmed…

            And I believed he was the one.

February 2019

Set Apart

Seen
His eyes always find me, even when I try to hide. He stands with two others, engaged in conversation but watching me across the path. I can see him out of the corner of my eyes. He doesn't know I know he can't take his eyes off me. So I steal a glance his way, and our eyes meet for a moment, and dimples form in his cheeks while heat flushes to mine. His smile unarms me yet empowers me. 
In the midst of all the others who compete for his attention, he chooses to make me his focus. 
His love, self-controlled but no longer suppressed, speaks life to my heart: I see you, Kate.

Wanted
His words are like the rain after a drought. He feeds my dreams with words of encouragement and feeds my soul with Scriptures. But sometimes words aren't enough unless accompanied by courage. Amidst his friends, he boldly declares he has found "the one" he has wanted all his life. He points to me, says my name, and I am in awe of being so adored in front of many. His love defies my fear of rejection and melts me into the truth: I want you. I choose you, Kate.

Worthy 
His heart beats to the sound of my soul's rhythm. He finds my messy life a treasure! He sees my stubborn, short temper as a means to make his patient love stronger. He sees my ministry as a jewel given to me from heaven. Where the world finds me undesirable, he finds me magnetic, so he lays down his dreams for mine. He contacts me daily, unfailingly, and faithfully. His love whispers, You are worth it all, my lily among thorns."

Seen, wanted, and worthy. 
I've waited a long time to see in the flesh what my Father has long since declared about me. 
I've waited a long time to feel in the flesh the fulfilled holy desire that the Holy Spirit has lit in me for a lifetime ministry partner.
I've waited a long time to experience in the flesh what Jesus has done for me by trading his life for mine. 

I have found the one whom my soul loves, and I cannot wait to his bride-lily forever.

He definitely revived the creative me. While dating him, I wrote many poems, probably more in a few months’ time than I have in the past few years combined! But they weren’t all this fuzzy and lovie, because let’s be honest… a real relationship is full of the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Love Does

His love is like an eloquently crafted sentence fragment,

full of rich modifiers and sweet-to-the-soul words,

yet it's missing the verb.

It's catches your attention

but lacks action. 

No matter how brilliant the words,

the sentence without a verb - like his love –

is incomplete.

The nature of poetry is emotion. Unfortunately, my relationship has been filled with much emotion, which has made it quite rocky – high highs and low lows. But through it all, I still believed he was the one. So when marriage was suddenly the object of our attention (he even talked about when he would buy an engagement ring), more concerns arose. Is he really ready to be a husband and a father all at once? Is he really ready to vacate his own country and family and life to live here in Eswatini full time in mine? Is it fair to expect him to pick up my life exactly how it is? With his own insecurities, can he really lead me and my family and a ministry? Is he sure he knows this is what he wants? Or is he just pleasing me? Is he going to keep pursuing me or get tired? Would marriage change him? Suddenly, I was filled so many worries and instead of dealing with them properly, I kept pushing him, “testing” him, you might say, trying to prove to myself that yes he is capable, yes this is what he really wants (because it’s what I want). But the more I pushed and tried to point fingers at his gaps, the greater our gap became. And my fears became my reality.

My Mirror of Secrets

Mirror, mirror on the wall
The best kept secret of them all
You expose me first then help me hide
To cover up from the world outside  

You show me when my pants don’t fit
And oh that blemish, I must cover it 
You tell me when my skin's too pale
So I put on the makeup that won't fail

For if he saw what you see every day
He'd realize there's no reason to stay

But you keep my secrets very well
My weaknesses I'd rather not tell
Your brutal honesty gives me tears
But I know it's only my failure I fear 

For if he saw what you see every day
He'd realize there's no reason to stay

After all it's not the beauty I hide 
But the sin that lives deep inside
My stubborn temper and short fuse
Too hot on competition; I can't lose 

Oh mirror, if he saw what you see
He'd change his mind about me 

He doesn’t know that after a hard day
You tell me I don't have to get my way
Sometimes you're wrong, but mostly you're right 
And then I cry myself to sleep at night 

Because I fear if he saw what we both know 
He won't hold on;

he already let go.

Like fire and wind, frustration on my end burned as insecurities on his end rose, and a sudden gust of wind set the fields we had been plowing together on fire. All that hard work, all that time, all the investment into an intended future... just to see it now burn to ash. Although he let it burn, I wanted to fight it, to beat out the fire as I had to do literally while fighting our dry winter fire scares at the girls homes, but I was tired of fighting alone, tired of pretending to be strong. Evidence once again of my own internal burnout. So all I could do was watch him walk away while our dream for the future burned. I realized I can't hold on if he already let go. 
    
As night descended, so did internal darkness, bitterness, anger, hurt, lots of questions and even more lies. I was angry at God for leading me on, making me think and hope this was everything I've waited my entire life for. Making me feel like the wait has been worth it. Building me up, allowing me to dream and plan for a future, just to crush it. I felt foolish. Did I misread all the answers? Did I ignore the red flags? Did I see only what I wanted to see? And with questions came ugly lies from the enemy: 

You're not worth it, not even to a future pastor. You weren't good enough or he wouldn't have given up. He saw all your faults and measured you accordingly. You're too hard to love. I told you from the beginning but you didn't listen to me. I was only trying to protect you. No one will marry you when this is your mission. It's messy and hard. Even you alone, you're a mess - you said it yourself. Burnout or whatever you want to call it. You're not capable of relationships right now. You're not who you thought you were...You're not worth fighting for. Now you see for yourself. He walked away... 

  What heart shattering thoughts bouncing off the walls in my head. I know none of them are true, because I know the man of God he is, and I know who I am; still, those thoughts are venom and terribly hard to deny when I am faced with my own faults, when I can be honest that I am in no condition to be in a relationship. I have always been my worst critic. But this time I force myself to surrender the thoughts, and I allow God back in to that deep, special space in my heart that allows Him to lead me into the unknown. Where I am tested in my Trust in Him again. It might take an army to fight the critics in my head. Good thing I have just that... 

To be continued… Stay tuned for more in Part 2 ;)