12 Year Puzzle - Unfinished, but Never Undone

You can learn a lot about yourself, your thoughts, attitudes, demeanor, even character by doing a puzzle. At least, that’s what I came to experience in trying to put together a 1,500 piece puzzle of a lioness licking the cheek of her happy baby cub. The puzzle was entitled “Mother’s Tenderness,” and I thought it would be a great way to relieve some stress or have some quiet time for a week.

Well, three weeks later, I was feeling nothing but the opposite of a mother’s tenderness. I was annoyed, frustrated, crabby, and mad at myself for even starting this in the first place. It was a love-hate, mostly hate relationship. I wanted to quit every other day, but the only reason I continued is because I hate unfinished things more than I hated the puzzle itself. So I had to finish. My frustration with the puzzle started because I thought it was going to be easier than it was. How in the world do I know which of the 1,500 pieces goes into only one spot in the puzzle? I mean, I would spend nearly an hour and only get 10 pieces in place and leave in an angry huff because it felt like such a waste of time. There were times I wanted to throw the puzzle on the floor and pretend someone else accidentally knocked it over. But even then, I couldn’t bring myself to it.

I was so addicted to finishing that when I closed my eyes to lay down, the colors in the puzzle pieces would wash over my eyelids. I mean, literally, every time I closed my eyes I could still see puzzle pieces. It’s like the puzzle was haunting me, not leaving me alone. That’s why I had to finish it. It was supposed to be a calming, stress relieving, ‘me time’ activity, and I hated it. I would end my hour of doing a puzzle being frustrated and annoyed far more often than happy and uplifted.

The time it took to labor over this puzzle forced me to simply sit with myself. It sounds simple and unmoving, but sitting with yourself – when you’re crabby and ornery and you have no one else to blame but yourself – that’s tough work. It was in these moments of sitting with myself, seeing my sin up close, I realized a few important – even life-altering – things.

#1) I am so highly critical of myself, that it actually shocked me. The way I would get so easily frustrated and speak cruelly to myself, “Come on, Kate, you idiot. Seriously, it shouldn’t be this hard!” Sitting with these thoughts over and over for 3 weeks made me highly sensitive to my critical spirit and how it was manifesting towards others. I even asked my friend group to pray for me because I was miserable – always criticizing someone or something during the day and always needing to “fix” a problem – whether with the girls, Ben and Lu, my nanny, the staff, Board things, etc. There was always something that was “wrong” every day – or that would frustrate me for not doing it “right.” That’s when I realized I had to relearn the definition of being kind. People say it often, be kind to others, be kind to yourself. I was like, yeah, yeah, that’s elementary. I’m kind. Full stop. Woowee was I wrong!

“Resist the bait the darkness offers every day to trade kindness for rightness.”

These words by Bob Goff cut me to the core. I was so focused on being “right” (perfect) that I was becoming cruel instead of kind. Sometimes kindness is being silent. Sometimes kindness is letting things go and not calling attention to what’s “wrong.” Sometimes kindness is simply acknowledging that something is hard and giving more than enough grace to fit the difficulty level. Like my puzzle. I had to get to the point where I realized I miscalculated my ability to do the puzzle; it’s harder than I thought; give myself some time, grace, and space to complete the puzzle without getting frustrated. This discipline improved the way I was treating others and giving them more grace as well as being kind instead of right. It was amazing how much happier I was on the days where I chose to be kind instead of right than on the days I was controlling or criticizing.

#2) I was trying to use the puzzle as an “escape” and time away. But what I’ve come to realize is that I’m not here to do things FOR people but WITH people. I was “needing” so much time alone because I felt exhausted and expended every day, every week (partially due to increased duties during our 3 month lockdown!), but I realized it was mostly my own fault. I was doing things with the mindset of for others instead of with them. When I changed my goals to fit people and my schedule/duties into one, life became a lot easier. Do chores WITH Benji and Lucia. Do workouts/exercise WITH the girls. Eat lunches WITH them during their lunch break. Go to their life skills class WITH them. Cross my duties off my list by involving them in helping get it done. I realized life is so much better WITH people than for people.

#3) I give my all to finish well. As much as I learned a lot of negative things about myself through this puzzle process, I saw a lot of beauty, too. I am a finisher, not a quitter. No matter how hard something gets, no matter how many negative voices tell me it’s a waste of time, or this one doesn’t matter, etc., I never give up.

I have never given up on my very first puzzle piece back in 2008, umntfwana wami. Our puzzle isn’t finished yet. I get frustrated, annoyed, angry, and impatient. I think, it’s been 12 years?! Isn’t it done yet, God?! Why can’t I finish this puzzle! Why don’t we have the happy ending yet? Why is my heart still hurting for her and with her? Why does it seem like she is oceans away when she is close but in hiding? Why has she forsaken me and us as a family? And there are times I want to give up, throw the unfinished puzzle on the floor and say, “Well, God, at least I tried.”

But God never asked me to “try.” He also never asked me to fix anyone else or a situation. He never asked me to be “successful.” He only asks me to be faithful. And faithful is something that is so deep in my bones, I couldn’t say no even if I wanted to. God has my Yes from day one and He will until day 1,500 of this spiritual puzzle. I learned that it’s okay to leave things unfinished – like I had to force myself to walk away from the puzzle when I would get too frustrated and cranky. Though I hated leaving something undone, I learned it was okay, as long as I didn’t give up on the whole picture. As long as I kept the vision and patience. As long as I stayed faithful. 

This puzzle taught me so much more than I ever thought possible. It renewed my love for her when I’ve been feeling pretty numb for a long time. It renewed my kindness and grace. It renewed my mission, my Mother’s Tenderness, and my strengths, as well as sharpened my weaknesses. I will continue to abide in Him and care for his sheep, walking WITH them, not for them – allowing things, people, and myself to be ‘unfinished’ [work in progress] but never undone.