Is There Not One?

Is there not one, Lord? Even if there was just one, my heart would be consoled, my anguish comforted. But there was none. 

Death of an employee. Death threats. Demonic uprisings and ‘assignments’.

Physical separation – grieving the loss of a loved one – choosing to remove someone I love for the sake of everyone else’s safety. 

Repeat the above for a second time, second loved one, second shot to the heart. 

Attempted suicide. 

Lies, betrayal, secrets, rejection.

Abusing the ministry, the ministry’s property, and my love. 

Firing, losing, letting go.

Heartache. Confusion. Longing. Guilt. Anger. Sadness.

Loss. Again.

Loneliness. 

If only I would have made the effort to see her sooner. I never got the chance to say goodbye. 

Am I to blame for her suffering? Was there something else I could’ve done? Her biological mom insinuated it was my fault her daughter turned out like this – after all, I’m the mom and the one raising her for the past 6 years. 

“You’re not my real mom anyway.” Not just a comment but an attitude. A response to defend their choices and continue in sin. 

“Come join the satanic cult so that we can crush Mama Kate in disappointment.” 

I know it’s not my fault, but the unborn child cries out to me. I weep. For the life that was taken under a ministry created to give life – a future and hope; how ironic. 

I know it’s not my fault, but how did I not see it? How could I be such a fool to believe the lies face to face, eye to eye, heart to heart?

He turned out to be the very person I was trying to protect my girls from. 

I am angry for the injustice, unrighteousness, secrecy and encouragement of sin. (I’m not angry of the sin but covering it up.) I am sad for all the loss, the lies, the covering up each other’s sins that leads to their own futures destroyed. It makes me so sad to see all they lost. And I hurt, too. Because I love them, deeply. The problem of covering up started small, even years ago, “Just don’t tell Mama Kate.” Little things, like breaking rules about giving sweets, cell phones, sneaking into the kitchen at night, secret boyfriends, etc. and then bigger and bigger things. “Just don’t tell.” 

Those three words wreak havoc on the soul. I can look good on the outside, I can lie to your face so that you don’t see what’s really inside. “Just don’t tell.” 

It’s one thing to sin, make a mistake, or fall. There is no shame in that. “All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). But it is a whole other story to go to such elaborate lengths to lie and cover it up for so long, involving so many others with those three destructive words, “Just don’t tell.” What could have been a private confession turned into web of destruction and manipulation.

After all I’ve lost this year, after all I’ve been through, there has been nothing that hurt me more than to know that there were people who knew the sins, destructions, deceit, etc. happening and chose to be silent, chose not to report, chose to become a part of the sin instead of confront it. And these are my daughters, and other adults in the ministry. Many knew, but no one reported – NOT ONE. And this feels like the heaviest betrayal of all. 

Is there not one, Lord? Not one who is for the Truth? I understand the plea, the anguish of God’s heart in Psalm 14:1-3

The fool says in his heart,    “There is no God.”

They are corrupt, their deeds are vile;

    there is no one who does good.

The Lord looks down from heaven

    on all mankind

to see if there are any who understand,

    any who seek God.

All have turned away, all have become corrupt;

    there is no one who does good,

    not even one.

I’ve been so distraught, overhearing the girls in our home who happens to be some of the leaders, say to her sisters, “I would never report anyway” just to win favor of her fellow sisters. Another girl, one who also knew what had been going on for 9 months admitted, “I know it’s not right, but I kept quiet because I just didn’t want to lose her friendship.” 

Lose a friend? Or risk losing a soul! A life! 

Praise God that we didn’t lose the life that was a suicide attempt. Praise God that truth was revealed after that, and that everything done in the darkness was exposed in excruciating light. But isn’t that the absolute GOODNESS of God? He gives us chance after chance after chance to come clean, to come to Him in honesty, humility, confession, to reveal our darknesses that they may be healed. But if we deny chance after chance after chance, HE will step in to reveal it Himself. He asks us to help each other, not to “win favor” but to love each other in truth. But if we refuse? “If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin” (James 4:17). But does God let us sit in that sin? What’s done in darkness will eventually be brought to light. Not because He aims to punish, but because He wants to save! He knows that if you continue to hide, more destruction will come. So He chooses to reveal for the purpose to heal. 

So what about you? Are you hiding? Or hiding someone else’s sin?

If I’m honest with myself, the way I want my daughters to be honest with me, I hide, too. Not just from my sin but also from pain. Escapism. I’ve realized that my ‘workaholicness’ is no excuse – it’s an addiction; it’s also a sin. It’s an attempt for me to throw myself into work that is “important” so that I can escape my own pain, loneliness, darkness. So that I don’t have to look at my own weakness and become discouraged by them. But the truth is… we MUST stop the “addicts” and “aholics” – alcoholic, workaholic, chocolateaholic, sex addict, porn addict, tech addict, drug addict, food addict, workout addict, image addict, social media addict, the list continues. Escapism. Numb the pain, or avoid it completely. And you’ll be fine, Just Don’t Tell. 

I have a new 3-word-phrase: 

STOP THE LIES> Let’s stop lying to ourselves. You may be fooling someone, but you’re not fooling yourself and certainly not God. Tell Someone. Start with God, yourself, and one loving person. 

Be the one. The one that God says, “I looked down from heaven to see if there are any…and I found one.”