If I Perish, I Perish

 One of the most terrifying fight, flight, or freeze moments happened a couple weeks ago. Face to face with a spitting cobra, I stupidly froze. 

It was a Saturday morning and all the kids were in our multipurpose building (MP) for dance class. I had been going to and from my house to the MP a couple times. This time I asked Ben to come back to the house with me to grab something. I’m not actually sure why I even asked Benji to come; it was a weird ask, but I’m thankful I did. I unlocked the front door, not seeing something curled up at my feet. I opened the door and stepped in, leaving the door open for Ben and was about to kick my shoes off when he screamed behind me, “Mom, snake!” I spun around to meet the face of a cobra who raised up, flaring it’s upper body, and began to spit. 

 For whatever crazy reason, I froze: Benji’s still outside, I don’t want to move to scare the snake into attack mode, I’ve never actually seen one before, my door is wide open, and this deadly thing is less than two feet away from me. 

 For those who don’t know much about cobras, they can spit (the velocity of a water pistol) reaching from 6 - 8 feet, and they aim for the eyes of their enemies. This cobra and I were both frozen in position – oh, and cobras are far too fast for a human to evade it – then it started spitting… 

 But not blasting like a water pistol. In fact, the venom never even reached me – not even a drop on my toe (though it could have sprayed directly my eyes, blinding me, and also my body and legs). It was like there was a shield about my body and the venom couldn’t touch it. It was like the snake almost wasn’t sure if it should spray me; like it was thinking, “I’m supposed to spray you… but I don’t really want to…” So the spray came out in like a half-hearted dribble, then a longer dribble, dropping just before my toe. Like, what a miracle! WOW! Less than two feet a way, looking into this deadly thing’s eyes that could poison me and blind me – but not a drop of harm done. 

 When I finally had my senses, I calmly told Ben to run for help and slammed the door as quickly as I could in the snake’s face: You’re not welcome in my house! Ben yelled to everyone that there’s a snake, and all the girls and house moms came running to help kill it. 

When they came around the corner to see it’s a cobra, some screamed and ran back. Others stayed and plotted how they were gonna kill it (while I was staring through the windows, locked inside), and the house moms told me in my ignorance, “Um MK, close the windows!” One of the girls who came to help immediately saw it was a spitting cobra sitting in the crook of my door, and she screamed in terror, dropped to the ground, and began sobbing hysterically. Another girl escorted her away from my house but she cried and cried for a solid half hour as the girls and house moms successfully killed the snake (by first dousing it from afar with some petrol, as it makes it dizzy enough to hit it with a rock or stick – they threw rocks at it and then killed it with a huge stick). 

 When we cleaned up the snake guts from my doorway, the house mom pulled me aside and said the girl who was crying hysterically said she was visited by demons the night before and was told basically if she didn’t want to cooperate and be a satan worshipper, she would see his power a different way. They (demons) told her, “We will show you and send something to attack Mama Kate.” So when she saw the snake, it was real – she saw it as the weapon sent to kill me, the mission of Satan ever since I started this mission. 

 These attacks are real and demons are real. This girl comes from a family of witchcraft and Satanic assignments, a past she had turned away from when she chose Jesus. Some times she gets revisited by these evil spirits at night to terrify her back into Satanic cult worship. Thankfully, this girl wants nothing to do with Satan. But Satan does not play nice; he is like the bully that only picks on kids half his size, or even more accurately, he’s the one that will hit you when you’re already down, or will incite someone to rape a 70 year old woman or a 2 year old child, etc. That’s how disgustingly evil satan is. So in order to try to get this girl back to servitude to him, what does he attack? What the child loves. This girl truly has taken me in her heart as Mom. She has bonded and connected to me in a way she hasn’t to another adult and it’s natural then that satan would try to attack or harm the one she loves so as to keep her trapped to him. Too bad for him that I have WAY too many prayer warriors – thank you and thank you, Jesus! 

 I went to the sobbing girl after the snake mess was cleaned up and hugged her in excitement saying, “You just got to SEE the hand of God, my child! You got to SEE it with your own eyes!!!” 

 She stopped sniffling and looked up, “Really? You weren’t scared?” 

 I laughed. “I was terrified. But look what God did for me and for you! There is no other way to explain this; it was a miracle! Not a way for satan to show you his power, but a way for God to show us WHO HE IS! AHHH WHAT A WONDERFUL GOD WE SERVE!” I couldn’t stop singing and dancing, so the fun atmosphere returned and the girl joined the rest of everyone at dance class again. 

 A few days later, though, it hit me – and it hit me hard. Revisioning the snake, attack mode, and hearing that Satan continues to “send” things to attack me. My first year in Swazi, when I had one of my first encounters with demonic manifestations and deliverances, the girl revealed that it is Satan’s mission to kill me and that the child had been told to do so herself. It has recurred in other girls in the past years, girls who also have similar experiences with being dedicated as children to Satan or involved in witchcraft, etc. for them to also be assigned to kill me. In a manifestation earlier this year, I was physically attacked and bitten – a bite that was going for my bone, a mark that is still on my leg, a battle scar. And others previously, when the girls got out and confessed everything that had been done in the dark underground, revealed that since nothing has been successful in killing me, then he wants to hurt me and I was told exactly this, “We are supposed to crush Mama Kate with disappointment so she will leave and never come back.” 

 All of this can be really discouraging, and if I’m honest, there are some days when I think I can’t go on. There are some nights I can’t fall asleep because I’m alone in the dark in my room and I’m scared – so I turn a light on, even at 35. I start wearing away little by little as Satan tries to make me tired because there’s no other thing he can do. I had another girl who was also in the cult tell me directly, “That’s not the first snake that was sent to you. I was supposed to put some in your room!” She is in her deliverance journey and has chosen Jesus but she still doesn’t understand love. “Why are you still here?” she asked after the snake incident. “Aren’t you sick of all this?” And I responded, “I’m here because of Love. And Love wins. Every time.” 

 The kind of love that you spend your life on – or give your life up. The kind of love that led martyrs to their horrific deaths, yet they embraced it with grace and peace in such a way that it converted even the murderers! If they can willingly walk to their deaths, refusing to deny their belief in Jesus, then I can walk in obedience, refusing to give up. 

 And really, if I perish? I perish. My physical death means nothing compared to the glory yet to come! And I am not afraid of death – I’m afraid of many other things – but not death. Because the greatest miracle of all is Love conquered even death. Our Savior Wins – every time. 

 And the “happy ending” for the girl who was told I’d be attacked? Later that week, I went into the houses and into the bedrooms and I prayed over every soul and touched every bed. The next day she came running up to me, “Mom, did you put something on my bed?!” When I told her no she pressed, “Then what did you do in our rooms yesterday evening?” 

 “I put my hand on your bed and I prayed for you,” I smiled. 

 “Wow! That was the best night of sleep I’ve ever had in all my life!” 

 Yes, that is the power of the Love of Jesus Christ. Everything else, even life at stake with a snake, pales in comparison. <3

P.S. Benji is very proud of saving my life and being not just my current man of the house, but man of the ministry. ;) Look how much he's grown!

You're Not My Real Mom

 “God combats evil with the power of maternal love.” -Edith Stein 

 “You’re not my real mom.” 

 The color drained from my cheeks at the shock of her remark. Seeing how sharply the comment hit its mark, she started laughing. “You’re not angry, are you?” she giggled. 

 “Angry?” I was rather stunned at her sudden remark in the middle of our dinner conversation. I had taken this struggling child out for a one-on-one and to get prayer from a priest because she had been asking for help with a confession she wanted to make. A confession of a horror no child should have to confess nor endure; nevertheless, she had blood on her hands and conscience and desperately wanted to be free. The meeting with the priest was remarkable. She left the session in tears of joy telling me, “This is the first time in my life I truly feel free, like the weight has lifted!” But an hour later, her demeanor and topic of conversation had changed dramatically. (I found out later she had run into an old ‘friend’ in the bathroom who was in a Satanic cult, and after this encounter with her ‘friend’ she was like a totally different person the rest of the night.) 

 “I’m not angry, but I’m sad. That really hurt,” I confessed tenderly. 

 “Why does that make you sad?” she laughed louder, as if mocking my love and pain altogether. “It’s not like you are a real mom. You didn’t give birth to anyone. And you spend all your time with the staff anyway,” she shrugged her shoulders matter-of-factly, as if I shouldn’t be hurt at her stabbing comment. In fact, she proceeded to then list all the things I was failing to do. I couldn’t believe my ears. Here I was, taking this child out on a 1-on-1 date, treating her to a delicious dinner, and she proceeds to insult me and my attempts to love her and the girls with a mother’s love. 

 I knew she didn’t really mean so much harm with her comment, but the enemy of my soul did, and he knew exactly where to hit. It reminds me of the Green Goblin in Spider-Man when he is convincing Norman Osborn to attack Peter Parker and says, “The heart, Osborn! First, we attack his heart.” 

 I’ve struggled a lot with believing I’m a good mom, often wondering when I will ever be enough. But this year in particular, I have grown so much and felt more balanced and secure in my calling as a mom than ever before. I’ve labored and labored to build this ministry and keep it growing, and we’ve hired more staff than I imagined. Having to manage the staff, train, equip, grow, convict, form, etc. has been absolutely demanding and the stress of it has taken its toll on my physical health this year. But my motherhood has remained intact, impeccable and producing fruit. So to hear from a child I was intentionally investing in that I am not her real mom and pretty much never will be good enough as one, it crushed me. I had to sort through my emotions and thoughts later, battling with the war of pain that I am still rejected by the girls for whom I gave up my entire life, while also acknowledging the child was projecting her pain onto me from her own birth mother. In fact, she had asked me earlier, “How could a mom abandon her child? I just can’t understand that.” 

 Naturally, the pain the girls harbor at their birth mothers are often spewed out at me. I just have to keep reminding myself who the real enemy is (like Finnick tells Katniss in The Hunger Games), and to not take offense at insult to injury. But my biggest battle was yet to come. 

 Have you ever heard a demon laugh? It’s a repulsive sound. It was a mocking, cackling giggle that still grates on my heart. Another child, who had been dedicated to Satan as a baby (and who willingly still serves him today), was sharing with me the details of her past, her mother who dedicated her/sacrificed her to the prince of darkness, and the horrors she grew up to endure. She began crying and sobbing in my arms. As I comforted her, I whispered prayers of healing and blessing over her. But the evil spirits inside of her did not want to hear any such blessing, as they are tortured by such, so they began manifesting. (Yes, demons are real and yes I’ve encountered this multiple times now, and someday maybe I’ll share more detail of what all these demonic encounters entail, but for now, most people don’t believe – don’t want to believe – that this is real and so I often keep the details to those who do understand instead. But here's a summary...) 

The child’s eyes rolled back and she went unconscious as a different voice and spirit took over; she began growling and then screaming and then quieted down and began laughing. Laughing at me and mocking my love for this child. “Heh heh heh,” the evil voice cackled, eyes closed but sticking her tongue out, giving me the middle finger, and violently rejecting the prayers, songs, and blessings we said. The manifestation turned violent and I had to call for back up, I was hurt in the process, but hours of prayer and worship disarmed the powers of darkness. At one point, I sat on the floor and as I prayed I wept, spiritually caught up in the moment of battling for all my children. As I cried out to God to intervene, I saw a vision of Mother Mary coming to minister to me; she took my hands in hers and prayed with me. Then the child who was still manifesting on the floor began army-crawling over to me. She crawled into my lap and as I held her, I saw not me holding her, but Mother Mary herself, cradling her daughter and healing her of the demonic influences in and around her. A birth mother who dedicated her to Satan, but a spiritual Mother who brings her to Jesus. The child then began crying silently and opened her eyes, became conscious and aware of what had happened, and she clung to me as I held her like my own child. 

 Afterwards, the battle wounds were aching and later that night as I tried to sleep, I kept hearing the cackling and mocking voices trying to haunt me still. I wondered why God would allow such, but the scene of Jesus’ crucifixion quickly took form and I remembered how Jesus himself was mocked, ridiculed, spit on, abused, and then murdered. Yet, He did not withhold His love. He did not shrink back. God, who did not even spare His own Son, knew that love is enough – love can conquer any evil, love can cover any insult, love can heal any injury. 

 The Love of a mother is something extraordinary. (Which is why the lack of one can be so deadly.) I often struggle with a Moses-complex and ask God why He chose me because many times I feel far too inadequate for the life he continues to call me deeper into. But I wonder if He chose me because of my own mother and her extraordinary love. I love fiercely and deeply because my mother fiercely and deeply loves. But these girls have to grow up without having experienced that love as a baby, a child, a teenager. I think He chose me because the love of my mother and grandmother and generations past has set me up to give the kind of motherly love these girls desperately need. To start new generations of love and blessings! It’s not my own strength, but because I have the Queen of Motherhood as my advocate in heaven and my amazing mother in the flesh on earth. 

 And then…because of God’s great love for me, He never leaves me with an insult or discouragement but always finds a way to speak to my heart. I opened up my morning devotion to find a love letter Lucia snuck in for me. “I love you so much, Mom. I just want you to know that I love you and that you are loved by the most high God created you to be the right mom to me.” 

 “God combats evil with the power of maternal love.” -E. Stein 

 P.S. I’ve included a poem I wrote about my mom for Mother’s Day in 2008 just to show how special she is, and how her love has set me up to be the mother I am today. Thank you, Mom!

Skin Like Sin

I’ve had a load of health issues this year so far. I won’t bore you with details, but one of the issues has been my skin. I got over 6 spots removed as pre-cancerous and was told by my dermatologist to “stay out of the sun from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m.!” But my health issues continued still, and so did skin issues. 

One day I started having itchy feet, but I didn’t think too much of it. But then I started having itchy palms, too. Then I started thinking a lot. Who remembers my blogs from like 10 years ago when I had skin maggots?! Yes, little maggot worms under my skin eating their way out! Anyway, I had a spot like that on my side under my armpit, and I thought it was one of the skin maggots so I tried popping it but it wasn’t what I thought. Basically, I popped it too early (dermatologist thought maybe it was from a spider bite – you guys have seen the spiders I’ve found in my room, right?!!!) and it got infected and caused a whole lot of other problems. 

Anyway, while that was going on, my feet and palms were starting to itch real bad. I tried not to itch, but it kept getting worse. My skin started itching in a few other areas but the hands were the worst. I had to put gloves on my hands at night because otherwise I would wake myself up to painfully scratching my hands. It became miserable and painful, and I couldn’t sleep. I got cream and ointment from the pharmacy, and I tried other lotions/Vaseline, and essential oils. But nothing seemed to work! I was becoming more miserable by the day. I mean, imagine non-stop itchy skin and the only relief being actually itching it! 

So I gave in. I couldn’t help it. I knew it would make it worse in the long run, but I just had to itch – just a little! A tickle here, a scratch there, and then rubbing the itch away. Ah, it felt so good. Honestly, so good. Relief, a deep breath, and a moment of normalcy. I could type, I could hold my fork, I could watch a movie without the miserable job of avoiding itching my skin. But, as you all know… it got worse. The momentary relief was nothing to the skin on fire itching that came next. And then I realized – in the middle of rubbing and itching my palms like I was never gonna stop – that this was kinda a lot like sin. We avoid it for so long but not long enough. We have self-control some days and others we just can’t stop ourselves. I would try so hard to retain self-control and refuse to itch. But sometimes, I just gave in to the moment, losing sight of the long term healing. 

Isn’t that a lot like our sin? We give in to the moment just for a quick fix, a quick high, a quick way to numb the pain but it actually makes us worse in the long run! Sin that we keep itching will only spread and worsen. So that’s when I tried wearing gloves during the day, too. People thought I was crazy wearing gloves in 90 degree heat, but it definitely helped! Sometimes we need to know ourselves well enough to know we can’t do it on our own. We need people, accountability, boundaries, or heck – gloves – so we can manage to grow our self-control. 

 What got my itching to stop? Well, a treatment of steroids, steroid cream, and allergy pills. It eventually went away. Like I said before, sometimes we can’t face sin on our own. That’s why God tells us, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness.” (2 Cor 12:9). 

Not that I’m trying to compare God to steroids, but wow talk about POWER! Those pills definitely made me feel stronger and healthier; I had more energy that week than I probably had all year! (No wonder why people get hooked. :/ ) But God is kinda like steroids – except these kind of steroids you can have whenever you ask – NO LIMIT! The times we feel weak and unable to do it ourselves are the very moments God can show us exactly who He is … and who we are without Him. Let’s stop with the incessant itching and giving in to our sin – let’s get the power we need from our Father who gives freely to His children WITHOUT LIMIT!

The Secret Place: Am I Invited?

She asked me to accompany her to the clinic. This was no ordinary request; it was an invitation into her pain, her past, her wounds, and even her hope. Generally, she is one who tends to keep me at arm’s length, so I took this as a huge leap in our relationship. I had been trying to “prove” to her what true love looks like, as she was convinced it’s something she can never receive in life. In fact, prior to her asking Jesus into her heart a year ago, she believed that satan himself could be the only one to deliver her ‘in love’ because he was the only one who promised sweet revenge. But for a year now, she has been walking her own road to Calvary, and though resurrection and healing is on the horizon, she is stumbling under the weight of the pain of her past and being unable to find retribution to the horrors done to her. 

The worst part is, it still haunts her now - the physical pain she’s encountering now from the sexual abuse that she suffered starting from when she was only two years old. Therefore “going to the clinic” is much more than it seems; it’s a series of visits to figure out what is “wrong” internally, where she believes wholeheartedly she is damaged goods forever. 

 On the morning of the appointment, I eagerly hop in the car that our social worker is driving and accompany the two to the clinic for follow-up. However, it turns out to be a nearly 8 hour endeavor, a 9 to 5 work day waiting and waiting in line after line after line. But I’ve done this numerous times before, and I would do it again in a heartbeat if it meant helping one of the girls towards healing. The problem today is I don’t feel like much help at all. In fact, I feel completely ignored, rejected, disrespected, and unwanted. I ask myself multiple times throughout the day, “Why did she ask me to come?” Her attitude towards me was something I wasn’t expecting. She purposely ignores me, refuses to talk if I ask questions or make small talk, avoids me to the extent that when there is only one seat open and it's next to me, instead of sitting there, she chooses to stand away from me, using the social worker as a barrier. She speaks in SiSwati intentionally, not realizing I can hear what she is saying and complaining about (me), and it takes everything in me not to gather my things and declare I am going home since it’s clear I’m unwanted despite the invitation. Unfortunately for my flesh (fortunately for the spirit) I am not the one driving, so I’m stuck waiting. 

 While waiting outside one of the rooms where I’m not invited to come in (something that happened habitually as we had gone from clinic to clinic and nurse to doctor, etc.) I let out a sigh and wipe a mixture of sweat and tears from under my mask. It is blazing hot out, I have been in lines and waiting around for nearly 6 hours, I am sweating and miserable, rejected and ignored. I am baffled at the child’s directed anger towards me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more purposely scorned in all my life. And it really hurts. I hurt because I was hoping this was a big step in our relationship; I had been working hard to “prove” my love for her and show up. Instead it's a slap in the face. 

 Despite my urge to yell and storm off, I whisper a slew of memorized prayers. And then I walk away. But I walk in the hot sun to a nearby gas station and buy the child who wants nothing to do with me a cold drink and snacks. When I come back I give them to the social worker and the child since none of us has eaten anything since breakfast and it is well past lunch time. That is the first time she speaks to me like she is seeing me, “Thank you, Mom.” It grates on me for a minute, how she could treat me like that and then call me Mom, but I see a hint of a genuine smile after that and I remind myself she’s been without a mom since she was two years old. Keep showing up, I hear the Spirit say. 

 Later that day, I was venting to a friend about my day, how I was frustrated not only with the girl’s rejection after an invitation but also at myself for being so hurt and upset by it when I understood the backstory. Then my friend said, “Sounds kinda like what we do to God. We invite Him in and then ignore Him.” That really struck me. She was exactly right. 

 I replayed the entire day but saw it in a new light, with switched characters. I was the child going to the clinic. The one inviting God to be a part of my life but then deciding I’d rather do things my way. I don’t always want to hear the truth. There’s a seat open next to Him and I choose to put something in-between instead. I don’t invite him into the room. I let Him sit outside on the bench and wait. Wait for me. Prove His love. While I carry on “thinking” I’ve invited Him in, but not fully. 

 It’s like when we tell God, you can have all of me! And then He wants to take all of us, and suddenly we withhold – oh, but not that part. I will do this but not that. I agree with this verse but not that one. I will live by Word but also the world because it says do what feels right, so since You made me as I am, I will continue as I am in what feels right. I will read the Bible, but I won’t forgive that person. I can pray, but I don’t have time to listen. I will confess my sins, but I will also point out all my spouse’s faults. I will love my neighbor, but not now because it’s inconvenient and disrupting my schedule. I will give, but not to that person because what if they misuse it? I will agree to being single but then I’ll just complain about it. And the list goes on… 

 Where have you directly or indirectly rejected God? Where have you invited him on the journey, but then refused to let him get too close? What are you afraid of? That He will see the innermost parts, the darkest areas, the secrets we want to hide? But He already sees, and He waits for us anyway. 

 He labors and waits. He has tears. He feels forgotten and ignored. He wonders when we will invite him into the secret room of our hearts and allow Him to take the journey with us. He will never force Himself into the room, into our lives. He’s simply there. Because He is. The Great I Am. Will you invite Yahweh in today?

Joy That's Unbreakable, Un-takable, Unstoppable

January 1st, 2021 was just hours away and I was already disheartened. More so irritated, frustrated. The sun had already gone to sleep while the stars hung above us, yet the heat was a miserable itchy blanket. We had just had a big family dinner, and I had set up the projector in our multipurpose building – the lone space on campus where we can all be together comfortably in one place – for a fun movie and then concert worship to woo us into the new year. But the electricity had already gone out. It was 9 p.m. and I was soaked in sweat and seething with annoyance that my big fun plans for the night would fail yet again. 

Oh how common it is for my plans to fail. Plans here constantly change – SO much – that it drains me. Why keep a schedule and even make a plan if it never comes through? The negativity clouded. But I kept on my plastered smile and attempted to cover up my disappointment with the girls but their disappointment just magnified mine. Finally, I addressed them all and admitted I was hot, frustrated, and upset, but mostly because I couldn’t give them the New Year’s Eve party that I had hoped for. Their disappointment cleared like parting clouds at hearing how much I wanted to make this fun for them. Last year I learned to clearly state my feelings with the girls so there would be no assumptions, doubts, lingering spaces for Satan to sit in the gaps. It’s amazing how much clear communication can lead to unity and joy. 

So with that, we packed into my living room (the hottest room on campus because my house has terrible air flow issues), pretended we were sun-bathing and had a party full of worship and prayer and sweets anyway! The first day of 2021 I successfully accomplished my main goal for the year – to keep JOY in ALL circumstances. 

 In order to keep joy, I’ve had to be very intentional about being thankful. Whether whispering gratitude to the Holy Spirit throughout the day or reflecting in my journal about the things I was thankful for, it has helped me keep joy in circumstances where previously, I would’ve gotten frustrated, exhausted, angry, or bitter, etc. Recently, we had a midnight prayer session with the girls and we all prayed aloud together at the same time, listing as many things as we could think of to be thankful for. It was one of the longest stream of consciousness prayers we’ve ever had! The list was never ending! It was SO cool to have the challenge to list as many things as possible without stopping. You should try it. It’s TRANSFORMATIONAL! 

It’s now January 31st, and I laugh at the month that just passed. A LOT of hard things in just one month, but SO MUCH GOONDESS! I’ve felt a brand new connection to the girls, and I’m still dumbfounded at their service and attentive care for me. A couple girls volunteered to come clean my house one afternoon during their free time – their free time! What teenagers do that? During the after effects of a cyclone, we were dumped on with rainstorms and I had to be outside in the downpour, digging a trench so an area and corner of my house wouldn’t get flooded – in the middle of the downpour, one girl comes dressed in her raincoat, “Mom, do you want help?” Just the other night I had asked a girl to come help Benji and Lu with their homework because I was still working late; she noticed I hadn’t even eaten dinner yet and asked if she could make me something. And yesterday, Benji and Lucia planned a “Sunday service” for me where they performed their own dances and then washed my feet. 

I mean…HOLY FIRE, continue to surprise me! I just have no words to describe how I feel in January 2021 except three letters: JOY. Abundant joy, not defined by circumstance or plans, but given as a fruit of sowing in the Holy Spirit. 

My connection to the Holy Spirit has been heightened ever since I did a Marian retreat in December when I snuck home for 2 weeks to spend time with my fam and grandma. Mother Mary, the spouse of the Holy Spirit, the one human on earth whom God entrusted HIMSELF to – like what? Can we just marvel over that for a minute? God entrusted HIMSELF – as GOD – to a human being, a woman. And in her young womb, He knit together HIMSELF, a Son, our Savior. As people can get carried away with “devotion to Mary” as many accuse Catholics of being (I have struggled with this a lot and also feel sometimes people’s attention to Mary is too much), YET on the other hand, other Christians don’t pay ANY attention at all to this amazing human being who should be our human-hero and role model and mother figure of the faith (rather than looking to celebrities, our own human moms, sports heroes, politicians, queens, singers/artists, government leaders, talk show hosts, etc.). Let us not forget Jesus’ command to his own disciple just before he died, “Behold, your mother,” and “from that hour John took her into his own home” (John 19:27). 

After this Marian retreat and studying scriptures of Mary and commentaries on her, I was astounded at her grace, her devotion, her resilience, humble obedience, her willingness to walk the path of pain, a sword piercing her own soul, and she never wavered. Her authority is astounding. Reread Jesus’ first miracle, the wedding at Cana. The most amazing part is not that Jesus turned water into wine, but it’s of Mary’s faith! Mary had the first authority over the servants when she told them, “Do whatever he tells you” (John 2:5). They listen to her and then obey Jesus. She knew, she believed before she saw. What about us? Do we need proof – proof of God’s voice, proof that He is calling, proof that He is good, proof of miracles? Or can we be like Mary and believe before we see? That is true faith. Jesus is both fully God and fully man and was entrusted to Mary, fully human. It’s no wonder the devil and his stronghold crumbles where there is mention of the humble virgin, the first disciple. Indeed, as I’ve written before and some know more fully than others of the demonic realm that is real and particularly visible in this culture, and I tell you honestly, where there is the *rosary it means torture for the demon and victory for us. Because in his great pride, Satan cannot stand the fact that God chose a lowly human being to entrust HIMSELF to, to bring the Savior into the world, to crush darkness under the weight of the cross, and roll the stone of death away – forever. Eternally His. When Satan reminds you of your present troubles, don’t forget to remind him of his future! 

Isn’t that exactly what this journey to unstoppable, untakable, unbreakable joy is anyway? Realizing that my present troubles cannot outweigh the greater glory yet to come. Yes, I believe even before I see. So bring on February! (and every month of this year for that matter!)

 *Contrary to some Christian assumptions, The Rosary is NOT a serious of prayers to Mary. 

It is the Gospel meditation, a series of purposefully repetitive prayers as one meditates on the Word of God – the life and ministry, death and resurrection of Jesus, all Scripture passages at every recitation. The prayers in the rosary are declaration of faith; Glory Be to the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; the Our Father, and the Hail Mary. 

The Hail Mary prayer is taken directly from Scripture: The angel Gabriel says, “Hail Mary, full of favor(grace)! The Lord is with you.” (Luke 1:26-30). Then Elizabeth, “filled with the Holy Spirit, cried out in a loud voice saying, ‘Most blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb!” Notice her next statement of honoring God’s authority in choosing and honoring Mary: “How does this happen to me that the Mother of my Lord should come to me?” (Luke 1:41-43). The rest of the Hail Mary prayer is to ask for her prayers for us. Holy Mary, Mother of God (Luke 1:43), pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.” Which leaves us with the only controversial part being whether or not you believe we can ask for others to pray for us, on earth or in heaven. And from there we can agree to disagree, cuz I want prayers from heaven! ;)

A few of my January joys...

2020 - The Best One Yet!

While this year has been loaded with challenges and setbacks, I have no intention of giving attention to an enemy. The [it that shall not be named] caused a lot of illness and fear globally, but there is a much greater enemy at war – and an even greater Savior! 

 28 Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Instead, fear the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. 29Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father… (Matthew 10:28-29) 

 “Apart from the will of your Father…” But do I trust the will of the Father? Or do I put my trust in humans, in media, in myself? 

This year for me has been all about trust. People who broke my trust, broke their promises, broke my heart. But it’s more so about the One who - even if the mountains fall (I mean, imagine this) and the people we trusted most betray us – He REMAINS. He remains. Unmoved. Unchanged. And we can therefore be unscathed. I put my Trust in Him, and that’s why I can stand, shout, dance, and bless the year 2020…because truly I have been so spoiled in My Father’s Blessings! 

My highlight of the year was my birthday, September 10th 2020, the day I turned 34 years old. A day I will truly never forget. The girls planned (with the help of Amelia and Hannah, our interns) a surprise for me, and they transformed our multipurpose room into a banquet hall. They blindfolded me and led me to the room and when I opened my eyes, I nearly cried. It looked like a wedding feast. They led me to the “head table” where there were signs and balloons. Their tables were to my right and my left, as if they were in my wedding party. The tables made a wide horseshoe shape to encompass a “performance area” where they then proceeded to take turns performing songs, dances, and speeches – all for me. I was so embarrassed to be the center of such concentrated attention. The smile never left my face or heart, and I think I have a permanent wrinkle line from my smile now. (No, it’s not because I’m getting old. ;P ) 

 I felt the Lord’s presence and joy over me like never before. I really felt like HE had planned this to look like a wedding, to remind me I am worthy and desirable and deeply cherished. That He is my Husband, and He will celebrate me as much (and more) as a real husband should/would. I bless God for my year of singleness, the decision I made early this year with a grumbling heart and a bit of Irish flare as I frowned at God and crossed my arms telling him, No, I don’t want to give that up again. But how can you say No to the King of Kings, and the Father who chooses me over and over again when I don’t deserve it? Of course I said, Yes, fine, take it. I’ll be single, not because I want to, but because I want to be obedient. 

 And WOW, obedience unlocks the greatest blessings! You know, people all over the world bless me, a lot of times because I am single and I have needs that aren’t being provided for. They see me, and God moves in ways in so many different people to remind me the He IS enough. And I can be single and still be taken care of, as a lady should be. 

 In addition to the blessing of feeling like it was my wedding, tears streamed down my cheeks to see not just the room transformed, but the girls themselves transformed!!!! 

 One of the girls, “Vanessa” has never sang a solo before. She chose my birthday to be the one day and place she debuted her beautiful voice. She is normally shy and giggles when she is in front of people. The attention makes her so uncomfortable. But this girl – it was like the spirit of God swept over her – she closed her eyes and forgot where she was. “I will make room for You…” she sang her heart out to God. And I cried. To see the fruit of my previous tears and labor for this girl was the greatest present I could have ever gotten. 

Oh, and they got me presents, too! They had saved money and pooled their change together to buy me my favorite chips (I had NO idea they knew what flavor I loved!), a 2 liter of Coke (they know I am addicted :P), and DARK chocolate! One girl wrote: “You know how to bring light to the dark, to see light where there is none. I think that’s why you love dark chocolate so much. You’re made for the dark, to bring light!” They spoiled me rotten for a whole week of my birthday! They read Proverbs 31 over me and blessed me in my love language (words of affirmation) and washed my feet and gave me a massage (my second love language, physical touch), and I didn’t even know they knew all that! 

But one moment really made me want to weep (in a good way). Lucia took the stage, her turn to perform for my birthday, and her sweet, innocent, charming 8 year old voice sang, “The Spirit of the Lord is here. The evidence is all around…” 

I stared in awe, as she took me back to a place and time ten years earlier. Before she was formed in the womb of her mother – my daughter whom I love like my own flesh and blood - God knew this day would come. The moment she was born 8 years ago, HE knew this day she would be singing her heart out to Him, “Overflow in this place, fill our hearts with your love, your Love surrounds us!” 

She sang with such conviction and meaning. I loved the Lord more fully in that moment. I felt his Love more fully in that moment. His Presence filled the room like an ever increasing balloon, and took us all to a place of heaven – where nothing but smiles and joy and awe surround us. And I trusted again. My walls of self-protection and anti-betrayal, self-will and my-way-or-the-highway crumbled into his Hands, like clay falling apart to be molded again. I can trust Him. He knows. The evidence is all around. 

2020 tested my trust and made me a better version of myself than I’ve been in seemingly a long time. I embrace 2021 with open arms, with much anticipation and excitement, with plans but surrender attached to them, and with a deep, abiding trust in the One who never fails. To God be the glory, forever and ever, amen!