She asked me to accompany her to the clinic. This was no ordinary request; it was an invitation into her pain, her past, her wounds, and even her hope. Generally, she is one who tends to keep me at arm’s length, so I took this as a huge leap in our relationship. I had been trying to “prove” to her what true love looks like, as she was convinced it’s something she can never receive in life. In fact, prior to her asking Jesus into her heart a year ago, she believed that satan himself could be the only one to deliver her ‘in love’ because he was the only one who promised sweet revenge. But for a year now, she has been walking her own road to Calvary, and though resurrection and healing is on the horizon, she is stumbling under the weight of the pain of her past and being unable to find retribution to the horrors done to her.
The worst part is, it still haunts her now - the physical pain she’s encountering now from the sexual abuse that she suffered starting from when she was only two years old. Therefore “going to the clinic” is much more than it seems; it’s a series of visits to figure out what is “wrong” internally, where she believes wholeheartedly she is damaged goods forever.
On the morning of the appointment, I eagerly hop in the car that our social worker is driving and accompany the two to the clinic for follow-up. However, it turns out to be a nearly 8 hour endeavor, a 9 to 5 work day waiting and waiting in line after line after line. But I’ve done this numerous times before, and I would do it again in a heartbeat if it meant helping one of the girls towards healing. The problem today is I don’t feel like much help at all. In fact, I feel completely ignored, rejected, disrespected, and unwanted. I ask myself multiple times throughout the day, “Why did she ask me to come?” Her attitude towards me was something I wasn’t expecting. She purposely ignores me, refuses to talk if I ask questions or make small talk, avoids me to the extent that when there is only one seat open and it's next to me, instead of sitting there, she chooses to stand away from me, using the social worker as a barrier. She speaks in SiSwati intentionally, not realizing I can hear what she is saying and complaining about (me), and it takes everything in me not to gather my things and declare I am going home since it’s clear I’m unwanted despite the invitation. Unfortunately for my flesh (fortunately for the spirit) I am not the one driving, so I’m stuck waiting.
While waiting outside one of the rooms where I’m not invited to come in (something that happened habitually as we had gone from clinic to clinic and nurse to doctor, etc.) I let out a sigh and wipe a mixture of sweat and tears from under my mask. It is blazing hot out, I have been in lines and waiting around for nearly 6 hours, I am sweating and miserable, rejected and ignored. I am baffled at the child’s directed anger towards me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more purposely scorned in all my life. And it really hurts. I hurt because I was hoping this was a big step in our relationship; I had been working hard to “prove” my love for her and show up. Instead it's a slap in the face.
Despite my urge to yell and storm off, I whisper a slew of memorized prayers. And then I walk away. But I walk in the hot sun to a nearby gas station and buy the child who wants nothing to do with me a cold drink and snacks. When I come back I give them to the social worker and the child since none of us has eaten anything since breakfast and it is well past lunch time. That is the first time she speaks to me like she is seeing me, “Thank you, Mom.” It grates on me for a minute, how she could treat me like that and then call me Mom, but I see a hint of a genuine smile after that and I remind myself she’s been without a mom since she was two years old. Keep showing up, I hear the Spirit say.
Later that day, I was venting to a friend about my day, how I was frustrated not only with the girl’s rejection after an invitation but also at myself for being so hurt and upset by it when I understood the backstory. Then my friend said, “Sounds kinda like what we do to God. We invite Him in and then ignore Him.” That really struck me. She was exactly right.
I replayed the entire day but saw it in a new light, with switched characters. I was the child going to the clinic. The one inviting God to be a part of my life but then deciding I’d rather do things my way. I don’t always want to hear the truth. There’s a seat open next to Him and I choose to put something in-between instead. I don’t invite him into the room. I let Him sit outside on the bench and wait. Wait for me. Prove His love. While I carry on “thinking” I’ve invited Him in, but not fully.
It’s like when we tell God, you can have all of me! And then He wants to take all of us, and suddenly we withhold – oh, but not that part. I will do this but not that. I agree with this verse but not that one. I will live by Word but also the world because it says do what feels right, so since You made me as I am, I will continue as I am in what feels right. I will read the Bible, but I won’t forgive that person. I can pray, but I don’t have time to listen. I will confess my sins, but I will also point out all my spouse’s faults. I will love my neighbor, but not now because it’s inconvenient and disrupting my schedule. I will give, but not to that person because what if they misuse it? I will agree to being single but then I’ll just complain about it. And the list goes on…
Where have you directly or indirectly rejected God? Where have you invited him on the journey, but then refused to let him get too close? What are you afraid of? That He will see the innermost parts, the darkest areas, the secrets we want to hide? But He already sees, and He waits for us anyway.
He labors and waits. He has tears. He feels forgotten and ignored. He wonders when we will invite him into the secret room of our hearts and allow Him to take the journey with us. He will never force Himself into the room, into our lives. He’s simply there. Because He is. The Great I Am. Will you invite Yahweh in today?
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