If I'm Being Honest

If I’m being honest

I’m seeking to be seen

Because You’ve forgotten

about meeting all my needs.

I know You once parted the Red Sea

But where’s the manna for me?

I struck the rock once to take care of Your sheep

So why do I find myself alone in the dark valley

Aren’t you supposed to lead?

If I’m being honest

It feels like You lied to me

 

You said “Harvest”

But all I see is desert

You said “Joy”

But what I got is jaded.

You said “Rest”

But what You gave was chaos

You promised Healing

But all I feel is broken.

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You brought me to the mountain top, and the view was worth the climb. 

Springtime Blossoms in their fullest.

After chest pain and lung issues, I got to rest on top of the world with stars as companions.

I could breathe the freshest air, my lungs filled with untainted satisfaction

My burdens below my feet, my baggage lifted

Peace

I fell asleep that night on top of the mountain, on top of the world, thinking You led me through the miserable climb to show me greater things.

I closed my eyes with my lips curling into a smile, knowing I could finally rest and wake up with joy in the morning.

But I woke up dazed and confused

I couldn’t see properly, everything was hazy, I felt dizzy and heavy, labored and sore

So sore, something was broken

Like I had been hit by a bus

When I looked up, I realized my fate was worse

I had fallen off the mountaintop

No, not fallen

I had been pushed.

No, not pushed.

Shoved, launched, dumped off the mountaintop

And woke up in the valley – dark, blinding, and cold

False springtime

With my Savior nowhere in sight

 

I know my enemy pushed me off, cruel and evil, attacking me at my moment of rest

But what about You, God? I know my enemy is evil, but You? You’re supposed to be good.

How could you allow the thief to come and steal this joy, this rest from me?

 

Yet, I pressed on.

Trudging through the valley of the shadow of death

Knowing You were somewhere close

I reached a clearing and my heart leaped for joy

But it sank quickly to my toes when I realized it was just a break in the trees

We were still in the valley

I trudged on

And reached another clearing, again my heart leapt for joy

To get smashed down to my feet

Upon realizing it was the same disillusioned clearing

I had simply walked in circles

A third time, a clearing appeared and joy danced around me

Quickly muted by the devastation of realizing I had walked in circles – again

I’m never going to get it right.

It’s not going to change.

I fell asleep that night with dark shadows as companions

No miracles left for me

But as sunlight came, so did my resolve

But there was no more anticipation, no more excitement

The joy had been jaded, misled, misused

Only myself to blame, anger burned

Finally, the trees of the valley thinned

And the dark forest ended

The real clearing lies up ahead

Joy surged, but I caught it in my fist, keeping it on a leash this time lest it disappoint me again

Good thing

Because my feet reached the clearing and all I saw from horizon to horizon

Was desert.

Devasting.

But I walked on. Now numb. Why should I care when You don’t?

A well full of water.

I’m unmoved.

A sandstorm.

I’m unmoved.

A basket of bread.

I’m unmoved.

A thief in the night.

I’m unmoved.

Good, bad, pretty, or ugly.

It all looks the same to me now.

 

Sand in my eyes, blurred vision

Parched heart, Torched hope,

What exactly do You expect from me?

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They expect me to hold the weight without breaking

Walk through fire without burning

Take the punches without bruising

Still, I bleed.

Where are Your promises for me?