Prisoner of Fear

“For God did not give us a spirit of cowardice but rather of power and love and self-control.” -2 Timothy 1:7

Although nothing (“neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities…nor powers, etc”. –Romans 8:38) can separate us from the love of Christ, there is one thing that inhibits us from fully embracing his love:  fear.  Fear of the unknown (held back by unanswered questions), fear of what others will think of us, fear of not being counted worthy, fear of giving up control (because “my life is fine just as it is”), and fear of evil, darkness, and scary movies.  Fear—meaning terror, anxiety, distress, panic, and cowardice—is the antagonist of Faith.  Faith—the father of poise, assurance, comfort, declaration, and Hope—gives us authority over any spirit that tempts us into a state of timidity, a state in which Satan labors to keep us captive.

                After last week’s events, I was delivered and protected from this fearful state through all of the prayers I received from you, my blog-readers and faithful warriors.  There were nights that I was afraid to turn off the light before bed, afraid to sleep alone.  There were moments when I looked into Maria’s eyes and my stomach became like my flip flops.  But a dear friend reminded me of Michael and my vision I had while in Mozambique.  “After this victory, Satan will still work to put fear behind your eyes at any chance he gets.  Remember you have a God who sent you St. Michael the Archangel to fight for you.  He will be sitting on your bedpost and a dispatch of angels will be on guard at the gate of the house.  I will pray that you sense nothing but their holy presence tonight.” 

Because I felt overwhelmed by the love and prayers from people all over the world, I overcame this pressing presence of fear.  In doing so, Maria gained strength and hope day by day.  Though she’s been set free from demonic forces, she is still a prisoner of fear; she now believes in Christ’s power over her, but she doesn’t yet understand she has the ability to exercise that same authority.  In 1 John 4:4 it reminds us, “You belong to God, children, and you have conquered them (spirit of antichrists), for the one who is in you (Jesus) is greater than the one who is in the world.” 

She’s learning about this greatness day by day.  In fact, she won’t leave my side.  I really do feel like she’s my disciple, following me everywhere I go (even when it gets a little annoying, but I don’t tell her that).  She won’t go to bed until I tuck her in and read Scripture with her.  We’re actually reading through 1 John together, which has been really uplifting for her and she’s starting to gain strength.  For the first two days, it was by my plan to read and pray before bed.  But for the past couple days, she is the one coming to me, making sure we can pray together.  Just yesterday, I told the girls I would be gone Monday and Tuesday night for a personal retreat, but right before I left Maria came to me crying.  She’s afraid to leave my presence so I had to explain to her that it’s not me who protects her.  I’m just the one exercising the authority of Christ over her, but He is the one protecting and comforting her.  I reminded her that she has that same authority.  I also explained that Kiley would be staying overnight, and I left my iPod with her because she says the demons don’t come when she’s listening to “the gospel singers.” So, although, the victory is great in her life, she still has a long ways to go and still needs to be delivered from her state of fear.

Please don’t stop praying for her and us.

While satan wasn’t able to captivate me with his tactics of fear, I was shaken up by another event that occurred only two days after Maria was released from the demons. 

I watched Spiderman the other night, and the evil (Green Goblin and Doc Oc) reminded me of satan’s tactics as well.  Just as the Green Goblin knew how to get to Peter Parker (attacking his heart), satan knows what would break my heart as well. 

For the past seven years, I’ve spent my heart on the one that everyone else had cast aside—the one that people said wasn’t worth it, the one that people said would only disappoint me, the one that would take one step forward and two steps back, the one that God demanded that I show grace to, the one that finds it hard to love herself.  Tenele. She’s the one who in the past few months has made the most miraculous strides of faith I’ve ever seen.  She’s the one whom God intends to use to set her nation free, for this is a vision not only given to me, but also to the director of Teen Challenge and to a prophetess from their partner church that knows nothing of Tenele’s past.  She’s the one who prayed fervently over me the other week when I was really discouraged and stressed.  She’s the one who cried out to God in journal entry after journal entry, praising Him for how He has delivered her and expressing her excitement to share her testimony with others at the end of the year.  The program Tenele is in lasts an entire year.  Yes, it’s difficult and she gets lonely and sometimes wonders if she can make it the whole year.  But her faith has been her cornerstone; she has been a rock, and even the director has talked about how absolutely impressed she is with Tenele. She told me, “I had this vision that Tenele would run her own project like this someday.” 

On Thursday of last week, I came home after sunset to settle into my room, but Gogo grabbed my attention.  “Tenele,” she looked at me with sad eyes.  “She’s gone.”

Gogo doesn’t know much English, but her message was very clear.  “She call me and say left project.”

I wasn’t completely shocked, as the Saturday before Tenele had mentioned her wanting to leave but I talked her out of it.  I was, though, completely shattered.  Tenele wasn’t just walking away from the project, she was walking away from God, from me, from her children, from her future.  By leaving, she canceled out all the progress she had made the past four months since she began the program.  Worse, she was going all the back to stage one, Mangwaneni, where I had found her seven years ago.

The heartache is too great to explain.  The tears came through sobs I’ve never heard come from myself before.  I was so discouraged and upset. 

“Can I just get a break?!” I yelled at no one.  It gets too hard being strong for 15 individual girls with 15 different problems, let alone worrying about my own.  So I broke. 

It has now been five days since Tenele left, and I still haven’t heard a word from her.  She hasn’t called to explain what happened, she hasn’t written a note, she hasn’t even come to see her kids. 

She, too, is a prisoner of fear.

Though the heartache is great and the confusion is constant, I refuse to remain discouraged.  My friend Jenny said, “Well, that’s Hosea’s heart, isn’t it?  She ran away, back to a dark place from which she was delivered, just like in the book Redeeming Love.  Don’t give up.”  My God of Hope is the only God, the only Savior, the only Faithful one.  I believe in His plan for Tenele’s life, and I know it will come to pass in the visions He’s given us.  It may not be in my timing, but it will be done.  And that is Truth that satan cannot take away from me.  In the moment, I wanted to stop loving Tenele, I wanted to give up on her, I sometimes still do…but I can’t and I won’t.  Because faith is stronger.  Because hope is greater.  Because forgiveness is deeper.  Because “perfect love drives out all fear.” (1 John 4:18)  But I can’t do it alone.  Help me love her when I am too weak.

As the battles continue, I know that “though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.” –Psalm 23:4