I Shall Not Be In Want

Jehovah-Raah, the Lord my Shepherd

This is one of my favorite names of God!  While the Ambassador team, led by my sweet sister, was in Swazi last month, I was able to occasionally join them for team devotions at night.  One particular night that I was feeling this separation from Joy and confusing degradation of my passion for ministry, Laura had asked the question, “How have you seen Jehovah-raah personally provide for you?”  The immediate, childish answer inside me said, “He hasn’t.” 

I’ve seen the Lord my Shepherd provide in incredible, miraculous ways for this ministry here.  I mean, even looking back two years ago when the girls home first opened in April 2013 and seeing how much our ministry has multiplied in just two years!  And how God has been providing resources, connections, relationships all along the way.  But when Laura asked the question, I was a little surprised by my immediate inner response that God has not provided for me.  I then realized that his provision for me personally has been one of my points of struggle.  God has never left me without and He has prospered this ministry, but when I stopped to think about my personal needs, I can’t even articulate them.  I don’t know what they are because they have mended completely with the ministry.  So when God provides for the ministry, He provides for me, too.  But what about if I take the ministry out of the picture?  The ministry has become my life and has become me.  When people ask what I need, my first response is always something our non-profit needs or our girls need.  But me?  Good question.  What do I need?  So I asked God, "What do I need?"  Who am I anymore?  Who am I apart from this ministry? 

So I told God, “I need encouragement.  I need words of love and joy and comfort.” 

Jehovah-raah, the Lord my Shepherd, he heard my plea and provided:

After not hearing from a Swazi friend for a while, I randomly got this message on my phone one morning: “Good morning to my darling daughter of our Daddy in heaven!  Stay the path baby stay the path.  The best is yet to come!” 

Then a few days later when I was dropping Johannes off, he starting showering me with encouragement and compliments, thanking me for everything I’ve done for them.  I was quite surprised.  He said, “I want to be the old Johannes who helped you out.”  He then asked, “Do you know why you still don't have a husband?”  

I was a little put off by the comment but responded, “I guess it’s not the Lord’s plan yet.”  

He said, “Well, it’s because God’s still working on him, making him right for you.  Be patient.”   Keep in mind, I hadn’t mentioned anything about wanting a husband to Johannes, but once in a while it definitely can been a bit of a sore point in relationship with God. 

On Wednesday, my basketball team decided to have a get-together where we had a braai and a meeting about the future of our team and what we want to do this year, etc.  It ended up being the exact answer to prayer about needing to know who I am apart from ministry.  Well, this basketball team is about the only community I feel like loves me simply for me and not what I do.  It’s so freeing and uplifting to be with them.  We spent 6 hours together and it was one of the best days I’ve had since being back!  

On Thursday, I started teaching again.  Oh, how glorious!  The students submitted semester one reflections and as I read, one student wrote about a conversation he had had with another student.  “She is the reason why I woke up today,” the other student had told him.  He offered me words of appreciation and commitment to pray for me.  This is my other community in Swaziland that is a reciprocal relationship, where it is not just an outpouring, but they return the blessing sevenfold!  I always feel so filled when I am with them. 

Jehovah-raah, thank you for loving me, caring for me, leading me to still waters, making me lie down in green pastures and restoring my soul.  Your love is enough.  I shall not be in want.

My wonderful, beautiful, crazy basketball family