Child, Look Again

 After exposing my inner anguish and admitting my struggles with joy and self, I was encouraged by several people to commit more time to prayer.  My friend Jess told me that Mother Teresa’s Sisters of Charity commit two hours of prayer every day so their ministry might be successful.  So I went to mass and stayed after to pray.  Thanks to Fr. Al, who taught me about vision-prayer (to picture myself with Jesus and imagine what He might say to me, etc.) this has become a transformative part of my spiritual life. 

Because my journal holds my heart and my heart says it best, this update is fresh from my journal— a sneak peek-- no, an in-depth splash--into an incredible experience that new words cannot recreate.

I recorded the visions that unfolded that morning in my journal:

Mother Mary stood over me, with one hand on my left shoulder and the other palm lifted up toward God as she prayed for me.  She asked me what was wrong.  I said, “I don’t know,” and I cried aloud in the chapel (luckily I was the only one in there).
            She said, “You’re hurt and angry.  Why are you angry?”
            I kept crying and said, “I don’t know.”
            She continued, “You’re angry at yourself.”
           I said, “Yes” and choked down a sob.
           She said, “Tell your Mother everything.  Why are you angry at yourself?”
          “Because I can’t do this.  I’m miserable here.  I’m bitter and I only see girls as burdens now.  I hate my sin and myself.  Yes, I’m angry at myself and that God is not giving me what I need.”
                “What do you need?” she asked.
                “I don’t know,” my common answer.  “A husband, a Simeon, or someone to help carry my cross.”
                I don’t remember the rest of that part, but what I remember next is her saying, “Jesus, come and minister to this child.”
                Jesus came and held my folded hands and said, “I love you.”  I cried again.
                Then I remember being invited to the throne room by God himself and I physically shook my head no and wept, telling God I am not worthy, I cannot enter his throne room.  He said it’s a feast He has prepared for me—for me, the honored guest, and I couldn’t believe it!  He wouldn’t take no for an answer and I appeared at a feast, a table of food and wine in the middle and a long table on both sides where people sat.  Someone invited me to join them at an empty seat.
                Then God showed me a mirror.  He said, “What do you see?”
                I cried again because I saw in myself nothing good.  I saw pain, lack of joy, loneliness.
                He said, “Child, look again.”
                When I looked again I saw people forming a V behind me, like the shape of birds flying south, but I was the point, the head.  St. Michael was at my right and angels were behind me.
                “See, you are NEVER alone,” He said.
                Mother Mary appeared again with the motherly command, “She needs to be ministered to and she needs healing.”
                God confirmed, “Come to Me and you will find rest.  You need DO nothing.  You need to find what joy looks like.  You cannot do that if you don’t come to my feast.”  Then I pictured the feast, the laughing, the music, the dancing, and I pictured Jesus doing my ‘shake baby shake’ dance.  Now THAT made me laugh!  God commanded that I come to his feast every day for the next week.
                When Mother Mary appeared again, she was washing my feet.  And I thought of my own mom.  Mother Mary reminded me that my mom is like her at Calvary.  That my mom weeps for me as Mary did for Jesus.  That my mom is walking this road with me even though I can’t always see her, just as Jesus didn’t always see his mother, but she saw him.  Mary told me to give my burdens to my mom, to tell her of my suffering, so she can take it from me, she can help give me courage.  “Your mom is a powerful prayer.  Let her fight for you.”  As she finished washing my feet, she led me to a room of beds, all white, and told me to lay down and rest.  Then she left me and continued ministering to others at their beds, fallen warriors, those getting recovery to be sent back out into battle.

I ended my journal with a commitment of returning to mass (His Feast) every day for the next week.  This was over a week ago, and indeed I’ve felt healed, built-up, restored and not once have I felt alone.  “Bless the Lord, who has crowned you with glory.  May he grant you wisdom of heart to govern his people in justice.” –Sirach 45:26